#2.17.20

[edo-vivendum]

When I was 13 years old, I had an active plan to kill myself.

Now, I am 23, and I am feeling sad today. I feel really aware of expectations I'm years behind in meeting.

But you know what? I'm alive, and I don't want to die.

So, even if I haven't graduated yet and I am not attending a prestigious school and I'm not full time...

I am alive.

So today, I'm gunna take a deep breathe and focus on the expectations I *did* surpass.

And everything else will fall into place.

[thefakejeffreyazoff]

Jeffrey posted on his Insta story. 2.17.20

[missinvisibleandco]

"Little Moments"

"Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one." -Martin Heidegger

Just heard this quote again today.....and had to think on it a bit.😊(2.17.20)

[raicheu]

In my dreams, I've asked you to stay and you'll sit and stare at me with loving eyes, ever so tender and ever so warm, like the sun rays at 10am. All dreams come to an end, and you're gone by the next morning. I dont know where you are, how you're doing. Someday, I won't know when you will die. But I do know, in my dreams, you're alive.

[everythinghurtshurtshurts]

you called me pretty today. i miss you so fucking much.

[bra1nf0g]

digging my razors out of the closet and soaking another napkin in blood

[coveysux]

okay im putting this on here so i stop being crazy in my journal. basically i got drunk with him (he didnt get as drunk as me aka he was still good to walk home) and i definitely was pretty touchy-feely but i also asked if I could kiss him. and he said Not Yet (because i was drunk but Also because he wasn’t ready) and that I should just wait for him to initiate it. Which was okay until he added that he thinks i have stronger feelings for him than he has for me, and he’s still trying to figure it all out. Which is totally okay and cool! And I basically already knew that except like hearing him say it was a little nerve-wracking. But i barely remember and it was so embarrassing that I just told him I didn’t remember any of it and he hasn’t talked about it since. Like our communication has gone back to complete normal and if I really didn’t remember it I would think nothing is up. But now I’m like a /little/ bit nervous that I might have made things weird or like made him seriously re-evaluate how he feels about me. And i’m mostly just worried that he wouldn’t, like, tell me. If his feelings never got more developed or anything. So obviously I will be stable and I won’t try to kiss him or go crazy (I wasn’t planning on doing any of that anyways I just forgot how things get when I’m drunk and in love) and hopefully he thought it was all endearing and perhaps even feels more comfortable with me sober now that he knows that drunk me is so crazy and in love with him. Like I don’t want to date and I think it would be cool if he used the word boyfriend but I literally also feel repelled by all of that so I’m just fucking bonkers. I’m glad he hasn’t said anything about it and I want to hang out with him in person 1:1 again just to see if anything has changed. I think I’m going to wait for him to initiate like ALL physical contact because I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants which is very cool and sane of me. Ummmmm what else. Yeah, I think that’s it like I feel pretty good with how much he’s talked to me since then and I think it’s good that we got it out of the way early so he knows not to get me drunk again. Other than that idk im just in love we are out here.