20.11.2019, 5 days post-breakup
Hey siri, how to get back with ex gf?
It hurts.
It still fucking hurts.
I just want a remedy for this pain. Do they make meds for heartbreak these days?
People in love need to be equipped with a switch button that makes them instantly get unattracted to whoever breaks their heart. And yet my brain still dares to think you’re cute and drool over your photos. Why do you have to upload a video looking so pretty and adorable now of all times? I was doing fine today until I saw that. I tried to ignore it, I really did, but now it´s all that´s on my mind.
I’m obsessing and I know it’s unhealthy and my words are starting to sound as ugly as the thoughts I’m having about you.
I wish I could hate you. At least then I wouldn’t have to suffer.
This breakup could’ve been much harder if we spent more time together in person. Now I only miss the texts cause there’s nth else to miss. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. But that’s so far from the truth. I miss the love I’ll probably never get back. I miss your beautiful soft hair and tiny lips and kissing you. And kissing you. And kissing you...
And our talks. I have no one to make interesting conversation with these days. Everyone bores me to death. I miss spending hours glued to my phone chatting with you about everything and anything. I wonder if you feel the same. Do you miss talking to me? Or have you already found replacements? Maybe now that I’m no longer an extra burden to look after, you’re happy with the extra time you get to spend on your work.
Are you happy with your decision? I can’t ask you that. It’d feel like an attack. Or maybe I should. I’ll try. Isn’t it ironic when the person you used to always run to for comfort and emotional support, is now the one who’s inflicting pain on you? When the shoulder you used to cry on is now the reason for your tears? Do you know the feeling of needing a hug from the person you least are allowed to hug? I don’t think I’ve ever known a feeling as desperate as this one.
I wonder if you know how much I miss you. I imagine myself coming up to you and asking if you miss me as much. Telling you about how much it sucks here without you and the million thoughts that keep me up at night. Then I start to imagine an answer but stop midway because I realize I’m trying to get you to calm down my insecurities about you and it’s really not your place to do so. I can’t expect that much from you anymore. Not when I know that is why you left me in the first place.
Yesterday was the first time we talked without me feeling sad about it. Needless to say, it was a very short interaction. You don’t ask much about me. It’s always me who’s concerned. But then once you start talking about your issues, I feel overwhelmed. I do care about you and still want to be there for you, but I simply can’t. It’s not my place to comfort you, either. Not when I’m aching because of you. I feel like I’m giving too much of myself. Focusing too much on you when I should be focusing on myself. Maybe I should stop asking about how you’re doing.
