For the New Year
I feel like being positive at the beginning of years these days. Last year I start out super optimistic. The year before I started out wanting positivity.
This year I want positivity and to be optimistic, but also want fruitful fulfillment.
I'm really tired of negativity. I almost want to divorce the internet just to have more peace of mind. There are so many great things that happened in 2014. Things that genuinely make me happy. However, the swirl of negativity that surrounds us on a daily basis took my attention away. Enough so that I didn't enjoy the good things as much as I should have. I didn't progress as much as I should have given the great things that happened because I lost my concentration to the negativity. It's a bummer.
And now I find myself feeling behind in every category of my life. I always feel like I'm trying to catch up to some standard I have set for myself physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, romantically, and career-wise. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like bad things are going on in those areas. I'm saying that I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. That I could be and should be better off than I am in those areas.
I'm perplexed as to why. Where did the time go? Why didn't I take better advantage of my time or the momentum garnered by all the great accomplishments and things that happened?
And now all I think is, "Well you did this wrong, that wrong, this isn't good, this is bad." There's no inner support system. There's a bunch of self-loathing and negative self-talk. I'm being the negative one now. Not just the internet.
I know somewhat how I got here. To some degree I had too much going on. I also should have powered through in some areas. Sought strength in the Lord to power through.
But I also have mismanaged self-evaluating. What was supposed to be helpful has become just another tool to beat myself up. Soul-searching and self-evaluating is supposed to be used to address where you are. Yes, we should notice the weaknesses, but not to rake ourselves over the coals. It's there to pump yourself up and find out what beneficial things you could do to live a higher quality of life. It's not about pinpointing what I'm doing wrong. It's about encouraging oneself to focus on what's best to do.
I've put myself in a fast-moving, business mindset. Like I'm McDonald's or something. It's all about how well the machine moves and not about the benefits I'm seeking. And like I'd be if I ate at McDonald's all the time, I'm spiritually, emotionally, and mentally malnourished. I need wisdom. I need fruits of the spirit.
Wisdom is, "first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit." (James 3:17-18) Fruit of the spirit is, "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23)
I used to feel that way. A little over a year ago. I was so inspired. It was great. Then I let the world take my attention away. This time I want to start focusing on what God is doing in my life through the good stuff in it like my relationship with my girlfriend, friends and family, my performances. That seems like a great start to a new year.
D'Angelo, "Back to the Future (Part I)"