#2100s

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

When they inevitably make a marvel dc crossover movie, will it be a sharing situation like disney has with sony over spiderman, or will it be because disney and warner bros merge into one giga-conglomerate? I say merge because I think of them as roughly equal in scope, but let's be honest, it would be disney buying wb, not the other way around.

Hey, remember back in 2008 when WALL-E showed us a ludicrous world where a single company took over the entire planet and made it hostile to all life as we know it and held humanity hostage for centuries with brain numbing distractions to keep them docile? Crazy, right? That could never happen, certainly not by the 2100s!

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2149

i wish my brain would work again. i have literally so much work to do tomorrow because my brain has been a shitstain for three weeks now. i'm behind. badly. in a self-paced course! how does one do that, pray tell? smh.

anyway, i got to see nathon and kimberly today! we went to you're fired and i painted a cat because i forgot what colors i'd used on my dishes set. i painted him like a cat version of chat noir because i'm a giant nerd and he's my favorite character rn. observe:

the black around his eyes was still wet at that point, which is why it's darker than the rest. and yes, he is different colors - he's a gradient from black to a dark gray, and i'm really hoping it comes out well. as for the eyes, well. you can see that i actually got them pretty good! the iris and sclera are two different colors and i'm so excited to see how he turns out. also? the collar? ladybug? yes. i love him.

anyway. i ran a few errands and i also went to the grocery store to get things to make dinner for kellie and her family like i said i would. i made chicken alfredo and i wish i had made more because the sauce was so good i wanted to eat all of it. good news is that i'm getting chicken alfredo tomorrow because it's father's day and i ordered olive garden for us. nice.

anyway, i wasn't able to function today. again. my brain is on a depressed vacation and i'm Not About It. it keeps focusing on how my failures are a reflection of me and my inability to make a decision, and that sunken feeling of resigned dread has taken up residence in my head and my heart. it's blocking me from being productive and even doing something for more than an hour at a time. so my homework, that's gonna take a few hours? can't do it. notes on a new chapter? nope. doing multiple chapters worth of work? yeah right, dumbass. so i'm stuck. again. still. and i don't know how to handle it. again. still. this always happens to me. i just shouldn't take summer classes. anything more than two semesters in a row is bad for my brain, i guess.

and today is the party joel is at - he's enjoying himself. he actually texted me around 1 or so, and we talked a bit about a few important things, but i'm not so ready to disclose information at this time. regardless of how comfortable i am with it, it's still a little weird. but don't worry, joel is still my goofball and i adore him. and we're both idiots, but at least we can talk to each other without stuttering or falling over ourselves. i love him so much. i'm so grateful i have him.

[candycloth]

Guo Pei HC RS17 2932

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2192

so i woke up around 7:30 or something this morning to discover i had been booked for appointments. it was another late night because even after i posted, i couldn't fall asleep. so when i needed to wake up, i had probably gotten about four hours of sleep.

but i got up, had a good appointment with my favorite student, met with my professor, and then proceeded to do nothing until dinner. at which point i hammered out not one, but TWO chapters worth of physics material. i am now on schedule. i have two chapters left of homework to do, one week's worth of stats assignments, and a final paper on stellar aberration, and that's it. i'm hoping to be done by thursday night. if i can get my stats and a chapter of physics done tomorrow, i can spend wendesdau doing the last chapter and then thursday on the paper. so this should turn out pretty well. i'm happy about it.

and i gotta say, it was really nice being able to close my laptop this evening knowing i was on schedule. that was really nice. and i got to play animal crossing without feeling bad about not having assignments done, because i did everything i could and am good to go for tomorrow.

while i was playing though, simon came over to me for attention. he plastered himself all over my technology and just stretched out, sticking his tiny head up and rolling so his belly was up so i could give him scritches.

he just wanted my attention.

(he did this four separate times. i wasn't playing for very long.)

and now, joel is up and he's telling me about the card game he's building, which is something he's been working on for a while. i'm glad he's got something to occupy his time besides games, something that requires real brainwork to figure out mechanics instead of not using his brain, which, as i can attest, is rough.

but anyway, joel is the coolest person i know, and he's so smart and creative and clever and i love everything about him. he makes me happy, and i am happy to be his. 💛

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2155

((tw unexpected death))

today i intended to head home and spend time with tanya maybe but definitely head home and sleep in my own bed. that didn't happen, because at 7:40 or so this morning, lisa came in and told me and joel some terrible news: our friend daniel's boyfriend was killed this morning in a hit-and-run accident.

i spent the day with him, casey, alex, and lisa, keeping each other company and doing things to help get him ready to head down south tomorrow. i was able to keep my head about me for most of the day.

but when i left to go get dinner for joel and myself and something small for daniel to try to eat, i couldn't hold it in anymore. i burst into tears, and i sobbed all the way there and half the way back, and then for a good half hour when i got back. between my friends breaking up yesterday and matt being killed today, my heart couldn't take it. it's too much. yeah, i never got to meet matt, but i wished i could have. daniel was going to bring him up in september/october for dean's wedding, and i wanted to meet him so badly. but for daniel to love him with all of his heart, he must have been a good man.

anyway, i might need to take a few days to not go places or do things to keep my own head together. if my head isn't together, if i keep having to deal with emotional aftermath day after day, i will burn out. i'll burn out faster than you can say "skittles."

so please, send good vibes/prayers for daniel. even if it's that he gets some sleep or is able to eat something. daniel needs good things. when i went to get food, i got him a bottle of water because (1) hydration is important and (2) you can spill cups but a bottle has a cap on it. and i gave him a hug, and just held onto him for a while. he needs a break. we all do.

we're exhausted. we're heartbroken.

just let it stop.

one thing that daniel told me though, choked up from tears, is this:

"don't let joel go. don't let him go."

i told him,

"i don't plan to."

and that hurts so much. i don't know what i'd do without him. i have no idea the magnitude of what daniel is dealing with, but i know if it were me, i would rather die than live another moment without him. dramatic, yes. but so much of who i am is how much and how deeply i feel. so it's a thing. i never want to lose him.

and i'm crying again.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2197

today was a pretty decent day!

i went out first thing and bought krispy kreme donuts from a fundraiser through the high school music boosters. i bought four boxes, despite having no idea what i was going to do with them. smh.

then i went to silver lake with lisa and company! there were six of us, and we were in a nice shady and secluded spot. despite wearing my swimsuit i didn't go into the water because the signs that were posted - which may not have been updated since june - said there was an unsafe amount of cyanobacteria in the water, so i said "nope" and didn't go in. which was just fine by me. we had snacks and just hung out, and eventually lisa made sausages and hot dogs for us.

a little before 6 we left, and i went home first to pick up the rest of the donuts (i'd brought a box with me to the lake), and headed to lisa's to bring donuts and the cucumbers mom had picked from the garden this morning. after that, i went with demi to her and joth's house and spent a while cleaning the pool and eventually swimming in it. after i cleaned about 98% of the stuff out of the pool, i just floated around, still going in the circle i was going in. the current just carried me and that was really nice. anyway, at one point joth came out and talked to me and asked me questions about space! which was so fun! because i got to explain things and talk about the stuff i love which i rarely get a chance to talk about because nobody seems to want to know the details about things, or at least they don't really care about it. which makes me sad, but just like buying $150 worth of christmas ornaments in may, people have their own prerogatives. some people though don't have the disposable income to do the ornament thing. lmao.

anyway, after taking a shower and getting dressed again, i decided to head back home. i stopped for food, but the ice cream i ate made my tummy Unhappy, which comes as absolutely no surprise.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i only missed joel for the whole day, so that was okay! sort of. not really. i miss joel when i don't get to see him. but i guess that's the whole point of missing someone, when you don't get to be around them or spend time with them. and it's not like i won't, because tuesday is still date night, whether or not i'm in school. so yeah. i really could use a joel hug.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2152

i sent an email to my professor last night asking if we could go over the homework that i wasn't understanding, so that's what we did today for class. i now understand them more, but maybe not 100%. more like 75%, but it's better than nothing. i was also able to finish up the lab for that chapter too, so given some time tomorrow, i should be able to start on chapter 35 finally.

joel watched the kid again today, after like three hours of sleep. we were awake until easily 5am, tired and not tired at the same time, and i was so exhausted i just couldn't sleep. when i get to that point, i'm either dead to the world or a chatty charles, and this time it was the latter. i just couldn't shut up. eventually joel saw reason and said, "okay that's it, you're getting a thunderstorm," and he put on thunderstorm sounds and i immediately started shutting down. at that point it was probably closer to 6am, and i was so happy and so grateful that he'd put something on so i could sleep that i started crying. i quickly became sleepy to the point of slurred speech and eyes closed and lethargic movements, and i must've been out shortly thereafter. when he got up he let me sleep some more, and when i finally got up, i was awake and relatively well rested for being up until 6am. i slept until about 1pm, so that was at least a good 6+ hours of sleep. i know i woke up a few times, but the fact was that i was able to go to sleep this morning so late was a miracle. and it was thanks to joel. i just adore him. he deserves all the love.

when i was finished with class and my lab, i took a shower, and joel came downstairs and flopped on the bed. he grabbed the switch and put it in its dock, and he turned on youtube and we watched a few videos together before he needed to get up and go play d&d with his friends, leaving me the switch and animal crossing, much to my delight. his island is now developing swiftly, with a new museum, the shop, and two upgrades on his house in as many days because i am a fiend when it comes to playing animal crossing. it's so much fun for me to set things up anew and get tasks completed to ensure the growth of the community. i'm just a little munchkin who loves her animal crossing.

something i noticed and that became more apparent to me today was that joel's and my islands are almost identical in footprint. the airport is in the same place, the town square is in the same place, river outlets, dock, you name it - it's basically the same footprint that mine has. the rest of the terrain, though, is something i can change, so i'm actually getting some decent terraforming ideas from playing on joel's island. so hopefully soon i'll be able to rebuild my island to look like it's landscapes instead of entirely flat like it is now. rip.

we all got longhorn for dinner and by that point my body was so angry at me because cramps and bleeding that it didn't like what i ate except for the green things. even the juice put it off, and it's raspberry lemonade. i don't ever not want raspberry lemonade. it didn't like the salmon. it didn't like the mashed potatoes! i was not happy with it, because it also demanded ice cream and i was in too much pain to actually be able to do something about it. so i came downstairs, and joel was fast asleep. poor baby was so exhausted after the day he had. my sunshine just really needs rest. i love him so many, and i'm so glad i have him in my life.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2157

i went and got eclairs today because i wanted them and i couldn't handle not having them. we also wound up getting chinese food for dinner, but our regular place was closed so we got stuff from a place across town and it just wasn't good. and like, rip, because their hibachi was good when they had the tables, and yes my food was still very good, but the chicken was overdone and i did not have the yum yum sauce so i did the sad sad eat. i also had some beef teriyaki, which was delicious, so jot that down.

i didn't work on things again today. at this poin.t i think it's my own laziness that's preventing me from being productive. staying up late and then not waking up until 3 in the afternoon is a bad way to try to be productive. and it sucks. i want to function. i don't know if i remember how, though. i'm definitely at my wit's end with this virus, and i'm also at my wit's end with schoolwork. but the thing is, it's my responsibility anyway, and i need to just do the things and suck it up. my poor head needs to get over itself. but it also needs to catch a break

tomorrow is tuesday again and that's weird to me that i spent literally a week with joel and it felt like two days. but that means i'll get hugs and cuddles from him, and i'm about that. that helps me sleep.

in the meantime i need to get my sleep schedule back on track, because i'm an absolute mess.

on a different note, it was thankfully raining this evening. just before i went up to bed, i decided to step outside. it was about 2am, and the street was quiet, the only sound the gentle pitter-patter of raindrops. i stood by the steps and reached my hands out to catch the rain, to feel the cool water on my skin, and even those few moments were rejuvenating and helped heal my soul. it reminded me that despite the chaos and destruction and heartbreak of the world, beauty is still there to be found, if we can take a moment to appreciate the rain.

for me, it made me want to write again. and that was nice.