Thoughts:
-On my way home tonight, I played the song that reminds me of you throughout the entire ride. I do this on the nights where I miss you, even though it usually makes me sad and miss you even more. But tonight, I was listening to it and found myself thinking of you, but not in an I miss you kind of way anymore. I was thinking of you and surprisingly, I smiled and kind of laughing to myself. Smiling at the fact that even though I went through hell with you, I’m so thankful you were a big part of my life at one point. You’ve taught me a grand lesson on being able to love someone but also knowing when to let go. To let go because it’s best for the both of us. And I was so bitter when you left for the final time, but I now realize you did it because you knew you couldn’t be here with me when you’re out there in the world. And you know i’m someone who needs their lover with them. I thought of you tonight, but only the thought of hoping you’re doing okay out there across the world and that you’re happy doing what you love. I’m proud of the person you became and you’re going to do great things in life, you already are. I’ll always care about you, but you’re not a big part of my life anymore. You don’t affect my everyday thoughts anymore. I’ve moved on and actually mean it. Even if we never talk again, I’m so thankful to have crossed paths with you in this lifetime.
-I’m thankful to have spent my last rotation on Oncology. Something about the floor, patients and staff, make me feel like I belong in the hospital. It does take a lot of balls to shift on onco because you do see a lot of death and dying and crying family members on the floor, but it’s somewhere I can see myself working. I’m incredibly sad to be leaving the floor because i’ve bonded so well with one of the male nurses on the floor. Not in an attraction kind of way, but more like a father daughter friendship. He teaches me, encourages me, talks and listens to me. I think he’s probably the only older male individual that i’m able to actually talk to about my day or what’s bothering me etc. And he attempts to give me life advice in return because he’s a dad himself and it’s awesome. I don’t have that kind of friendship with any older adult really. This floor makes me feel like I belong somewhere. I’m sad to be leaving to Emergency next rotation.
-I was feeling really stressed out earlier and had a moment of weakness where I literally almost lit a cigarette… BUT I DIDN’t!!! It might not be that big of an accomplishment but that’s about the third time or so it took everything in my will power to refrain from smoking a cig during a moment of sadness or weakness so its something big to me:-) Slowly but surely quitting smoking for good.
-I thought I knew what I wanted, but i’m not so sure again. I thought I wanted you. I thought I could picture me with you. I thought it was what I wanted. But after tonight and re-evaluating where I am in my life and where you are in life currently and taking into consideration that wise advice from that anonymous message, that want came to a standstill. And usually with all of these things holding me back, it’s not the main reason why I’m doubting. The main reason is because I can tell you’re not sure yourself. And I no longer want to pursue people who are not sure of choosing me. Choice is mutual, anything less or one-sided will result in one or the other person getting hurt by giving too much. I’ve learned that the hard way, and I know a lot better than to put myself back in that position. You’re a bit messed up and I know that. But I didn’t agree to be by your side and stay with you and continue to talk to you so you could feel less lonely or because you can’t be alone and need comfort or as a rebound to your ex or because you’re just bored horny or lonely. If that’s the case, if that’s really all I’m being used for, then find yourself another girl and we can pretend this all never happened and i’ll go back to only talking to you at fam parties when I see you and i’ll forgive you but trust me when I say i’ll lose a tremendous amount of respect towards you. Everything I do towards you, I don’t do because i’m lonely or need comfort or anything like that because I know a lot better than to use other people as medicine. I still talk to you whenever I can and get excited about it and hangout with you whenever I can and I do my best to be there for you and make you smile and laugh because I care about you and love you and choose you. I chose you from all the other thirsty guys trying to get at me lately because everytime I’d even try to interact with the them, i’d think to myself damn this is not what I want. These guys aren’t you. They aren’t nearly as interesting or fun or weird like you. They don’t click with me like you do. And it’s one of those moments where I did not expect or even see myself at all falling for you. Years ago when we first met and throughout the years, I thought you were so impulsive and full of yourself and kind of a complete asshole. I always knew you wanted me, but thought to myself I could never fall for someone like you. But I realized how wrong I was about you after spending those days together and realized how much more there is to you than you let on. And then to my dismay, I found myself falling for you, the good and the bad parts. I love you because you really do not see yourself through my eyes, no matter how much you try to convince me you’re bad. You don’t see how good you are. When I look at you or talk to you or think about you, I start feeling calmer and safer even. I catch myself smiling and I don’t even know why. You make me feel sane and crazy at the same time because I love you but hate you for making me love you so much. When we actually hangout, you have no idea how happy I get because I get to spend time with you and annoy you because I love annoying you. And it’s the way you make me laugh, not a lot of people or things in this world general do. It’s the way you care and hold me and are there for me when I need someone to talk to and you listen surprisingly. It’s little things I notice like the way you call sometimes just to hear my voice at night, although most of the time I think you’re drunk when you call me lol. You’re honest too. You’re not afraid to be real with me, you don’t understand how much I appreciate that because i’ve been fed a lot of bullshit by people in my life. And laying in bed watching movies n greys with you and napping with you surprisingly and quickly became my favorite past time. And I like fighting with you, well not fighting fighting but having cute little arguments with you and you making fun of my noises and yet I don’t get tired of you. And it’s the way you look at me and ultimately make me feel, like I’m not a sad story worth abandoning but more like someone that’s worth staying around for. Like something more than I see myself. As I said, you really don’t see yourself through my eyes, you don’t see the times you look at me like this. The only thing holding me back is I don’t know what you feel back, if you feel the same, if you feel different. I need you to try to gain my trust if this will ever happen. I need to be reassured that you’re not intentionally going to hurt me in the end. The thought of you going back to your ex or np crosses my mind a lot and makes me want to push you away. The thought of you only inviting me over during certain times of the day and never actually wanting to go on dates make me suspicious. The thought of you always reminding me you’re “bad” and that you’ll hurt me, makes me want to run away. I’m always wondering what you mean whenever you say that, to explain how and what makes you believe yourself to be so “bad” and why and how you’ll eventually hurt me. But you never tell me, you keep me wondering and worrying and can’t be honest with me about that when I need you to be. Because I want to know if i’m wasting my time with you. I want to know if I need to simply leave and invest my time towards myself or someone else. Yet I’m still here even with all of these doubts because I believe you’re worth trying for. But I need you to try as well or at least make an effort to show that I’m possibly important and more than someone on the side, if you want me to stay. I’m not telling you to be with me or date me or anything like that. But I am saying is that you know how I feel and if your intentions with me are not good ones, then stop pretending in doing so and keep your distance and allow me save my love to someone who will value it. Everything about this is forbidden and wrong I know, but I don’t know why and I didn’t plan this at all to happen but it feels right with you. And if you disagree, then simply tell me. Tell me to stop and i’ll shut it all off for you. I just need to hear it from you.
