#27aug2021

[denyary]

Healing in Doubt

2014 to 2021

Your shadow is still there

Inside my head

Are you permanent residence there?

Since you’re still there

And I guess, I made this blog unawarely about me

That still has something to do with you

The last time I posted here

It was 2017

Well, There were a lot things going on since then

I can’t remember all but I’ll try

Let’s start with our first hang out

I was not sure if it was hang out in my POV

For the first time you asked me out

I was not sure about it

i guess I turned it down when you texted

But you still tried again 

And finally we met at one of fast food restaurants in town

It was on November 2017 (I guess)

We had small talk which was about our lives

I played it cool eventhough I couldn’t make eye contact

And my heart beat so fast

But I guess you didn’t realize it

After we met, was I happy? Maybe

I couldn’t remember

After that I found out your facebook account

Good for me because it is not locked

So I stalked it few times

Maybe many times

Because you were quite active there

But I don’t push “Add a as friend” button

Your account showed up suddenly in my notification

After that my phone was broken, and I guess I forgot your number

I think I forget many things

So let’s jump into what happened in 2020

You tried to reach me on Instagram

3 days after your birthday

But because I seldom use the app

I didn’t know that

But before your call

Something made me mad

You posted “Makasih siapapun kamu” on your sg

With background 2 paper bags

Which means there is a bitch who knows your birthday beside me

It pissed me off

(By the way, your IG account also showed up suddenly in my notification

I was trying to look for them before

And I never found them but they showed up suddenly)

Allright, back to the story

1 month after I saw that post 

I decided to go online on the app

When I opened DM button, your account was there (need approval)

I was happy that quick and couldn’t believe it

And again, I thought much how to reply it

And I typed “Yo?”

We chat and ended up with asking phone number

And I gave it reckless it

Then we chat

It was like you confronted me to admit that I was one of people who sent you gift

Eventhought it’s true

Like my name, I kept on denying it by asking you to give me a prove

In the end of the chat that day

You asked me out again

Turned it down first

Re-schedule

Later that day, I showed up first

I texted you with “P”

Then I deleted immediately

And you responded and I just reply by sharing my location

But you were on the way home from work

Almost 1 hour of waiting

Then you showed up a bit worried

It seemed like you were scared if there was one of your friend that resto

I wore blank shirt and you wore blank pullover

But funny thing is we wore the color which is white

I didn’t think, you noticed that

Then we talk like we used to do

Small one

But this time, you confronted me in person to admit 

That I sent you the gift

And you kinda asked me (a bit force) about my birthday

I forgot what I said

What I remembered, I didn’t say anything about the date

I guess I skipped that topic

Long story short, the place was about to close

And I paid the bill

We went out

Suddenly you offered me a ride

I said NO

And you insisted and finally you gave up

Byeeee!!!

I feel kinda relieved after we met

It is like my shoulder felt a bit lighter

And I could talk with less nervous

But I do remember when you said that I didn’t make any eye contact with you

I was speechless for while

After you said that, I talked to you and looked directly to your eyes

I felt like you were a bit nervous when I did that.

Well, Months later

I thought about you sometimes

And impulsively I texted couple of time (I guess)

But I texted something basic

So nothing special

I guess I was stupid because I typed “Suddenly I miss you”

And you replied “How come?”

It ended up in October 2020

When I texted you by calling your name 

No response

But you were online that night

I waited for a week but no reply

So I came up with conclusion

I was disturbing you and deleted your number

So you could not see my update

But your chat was still on my Whatsapp

It was because I still needed your phone number 

For sending you something on your birthday

4 Months later

I sent the cake

(So what I gave you seemed like birthday cake

But it also could be a goodbye cake

The cake was not on the first thing in my head

I was thinking to give you a watch

But I thought you don’t deserve it because you made me mad last year)

And few hours later you chatted me

I didn’t open it 

1 week after, I deleted that chat and I never read that last chat

So 1 : 1

Equal right? 

But it made me think a lot until today

I’m not type of person who likes make promises

But I made a commitment to myself

That I try my best not to disturb you anymore

I thought it was genuine and you meant it when you asked my birthday

But I guess it was just formality to keep going the conversation

I feel that we’re same on the level of privacy

We hide many things each other

I’m done with this game so I decided to leave

I wish we would never ever meet again

Like ever

I do remember the last time we met

You said you want to get married before 30 years old

If it happens one day

Of course, it will break my heart

But I’m also happy that you will have your own happiness

I can’t wait for any update you’ll share on your social media

I’ll be feeling sad and happy at the same time

I hope you’ll be better human in the future

I just wanna say if we met again coincidentally

I will look away like I don’t know you

I know you’ll be mad

But I just wanna make a peace with myself

I’m done with trying

So I end us my way

Being friend won’t make us better

I wish I could say in person

I will never forget you

Maybe this painful lesson will follow me to grave

You don’t need to think of me

I’m getting used with these “take advantage” stuff

I feel happy to realize about what I felt for you was real and pure

I feel sad to realize that I gave this pure feeling to you

Wherever you are, Please be happy!

I will try my best to act I’m completely fine.

Sometime I think about having a beautiful goodbye 

Like telling the truth about everything and holding your body so tight for several minutes and leaving

i WISH IT COULD HAPPEN :D