La Vie de DA

Life is too short to pass by complaining

[denyary]

Healing in Doubt

2014 to 2021

Your shadow is still there

Inside my head

Are you permanent residence there?

Since you’re still there

And I guess, I made this blog unawarely about me

That still has something to do with you

The last time I posted here

It was 2017

Well, There were a lot things going on since then

I can’t remember all but I’ll try

Let’s start with our first hang out

I was not sure if it was hang out in my POV

For the first time you asked me out

I was not sure about it

i guess I turned it down when you texted

But you still tried again 

And finally we met at one of fast food restaurants in town

It was on November 2017 (I guess)

We had small talk which was about our lives

I played it cool eventhough I couldn’t make eye contact

And my heart beat so fast

But I guess you didn’t realize it

After we met, was I happy? Maybe

I couldn’t remember

After that I found out your facebook account

Good for me because it is not locked

So I stalked it few times

Maybe many times

Because you were quite active there

But I don’t push “Add a as friend” button

Your account showed up suddenly in my notification

After that my phone was broken, and I guess I forgot your number

I think I forget many things

So let’s jump into what happened in 2020

You tried to reach me on Instagram

3 days after your birthday

But because I seldom use the app

I didn’t know that

But before your call

Something made me mad

You posted “Makasih siapapun kamu” on your sg

With background 2 paper bags

Which means there is a bitch who knows your birthday beside me

It pissed me off

(By the way, your IG account also showed up suddenly in my notification

I was trying to look for them before

And I never found them but they showed up suddenly)

Allright, back to the story

1 month after I saw that post 

I decided to go online on the app

When I opened DM button, your account was there (need approval)

I was happy that quick and couldn’t believe it

And again, I thought much how to reply it

And I typed “Yo?”

We chat and ended up with asking phone number

And I gave it reckless it

Then we chat

It was like you confronted me to admit that I was one of people who sent you gift

Eventhought it’s true

Like my name, I kept on denying it by asking you to give me a prove

In the end of the chat that day

You asked me out again

Turned it down first

Re-schedule

Later that day, I showed up first

I texted you with “P”

Then I deleted immediately

And you responded and I just reply by sharing my location

But you were on the way home from work

Almost 1 hour of waiting

Then you showed up a bit worried

It seemed like you were scared if there was one of your friend that resto

I wore blank shirt and you wore blank pullover

But funny thing is we wore the color which is white

I didn’t think, you noticed that

Then we talk like we used to do

Small one

But this time, you confronted me in person to admit 

That I sent you the gift

And you kinda asked me (a bit force) about my birthday

I forgot what I said

What I remembered, I didn’t say anything about the date

I guess I skipped that topic

Long story short, the place was about to close

And I paid the bill

We went out

Suddenly you offered me a ride

I said NO

And you insisted and finally you gave up

Byeeee!!!

I feel kinda relieved after we met

It is like my shoulder felt a bit lighter

And I could talk with less nervous

But I do remember when you said that I didn’t make any eye contact with you

I was speechless for while

After you said that, I talked to you and looked directly to your eyes

I felt like you were a bit nervous when I did that.

Well, Months later

I thought about you sometimes

And impulsively I texted couple of time (I guess)

But I texted something basic

So nothing special

I guess I was stupid because I typed “Suddenly I miss you”

And you replied “How come?”

It ended up in October 2020

When I texted you by calling your name 

No response

But you were online that night

I waited for a week but no reply

So I came up with conclusion

I was disturbing you and deleted your number

So you could not see my update

But your chat was still on my Whatsapp

It was because I still needed your phone number 

For sending you something on your birthday

4 Months later

I sent the cake

(So what I gave you seemed like birthday cake

But it also could be a goodbye cake

The cake was not on the first thing in my head

I was thinking to give you a watch

But I thought you don’t deserve it because you made me mad last year)

And few hours later you chatted me

I didn’t open it 

1 week after, I deleted that chat and I never read that last chat

So 1 : 1

Equal right? 

But it made me think a lot until today

I’m not type of person who likes make promises

But I made a commitment to myself

That I try my best not to disturb you anymore

I thought it was genuine and you meant it when you asked my birthday

But I guess it was just formality to keep going the conversation

I feel that we’re same on the level of privacy

We hide many things each other

I’m done with this game so I decided to leave

I wish we would never ever meet again

Like ever

I do remember the last time we met

You said you want to get married before 30 years old

If it happens one day

Of course, it will break my heart

But I’m also happy that you will have your own happiness

I can’t wait for any update you’ll share on your social media

I’ll be feeling sad and happy at the same time

I hope you’ll be better human in the future

I just wanna say if we met again coincidentally

I will look away like I don’t know you

I know you’ll be mad

But I just wanna make a peace with myself

I’m done with trying

So I end us my way

Being friend won’t make us better

I wish I could say in person

I will never forget you

Maybe this painful lesson will follow me to grave

You don’t need to think of me

I’m getting used with these “take advantage” stuff

I feel happy to realize about what I felt for you was real and pure

I feel sad to realize that I gave this pure feeling to you

Wherever you are, Please be happy!

I will try my best to act I’m completely fine.

Sometime I think about having a beautiful goodbye 

Like telling the truth about everything and holding your body so tight for several minutes and leaving

i WISH IT COULD HAPPEN :D

[denyary]

Message from...

It has been 3 years But it is not anniversary 3 years ago I met you for the first time I still remember every single thing of that day. Even though time flies fast But your memory is still in my head It's colorful I mean, it's about happiness, tears, doubt, disappointment, lust and so on. Bon... Ça va etre innoblieable! You should have know that I can keep my eyes off your socmed. Bitch, I hate myself (Hahaa) By the way, I wanna talk about what I felt on 15 April 2017. In the morning, I was holding my phone, The notification shows up "Message from 08XX 4197 6926" And I just swiped to left A few minutes after I was curious so... I open that message The message is " Hey, piye kabare?" And I shocked when I saw the pic of you I was damn speechless. What? Oh my? Really? Shup up! Damn! Those are what I said. And my mood went up like a jet Hahaa Small thing can be big But I shocked positively I might seemed happy at that time But not really that happy Even though I smiled easily that day Well, I was happy and not sure Do I have to reply or not I opened the app and closed it for several time. And it took about more 6 hours for me reply it. And I was trying to keep it cool Not many things we talked about Because your questions are basic. I think, I know what is your intention. But I kept trying to play it cool. It was a bit like what happened in april 2014. You texted me for the first time. Deja vu? I don't know Well, maybe for you I seem to avoid you. If you dig any further. it is possible for me to fall again in that play. But I know you'll never understand that. It's ok. Live your life. I enjoy watching from this far I can not end the story I let the time do it. Honestly, I don't want to have any contact with you. That's why I erased your phone number. But when you texted me again, now I remember it again. Shit! Can you just go? 😃 But then I realize, I was too hard to myself. And that makes me slowly forget you. Can we be just a friend? Maybe we can, but in another life. Hahaa #22April17

[denyary]

Your Birthday

Since 3 months ago I made a plan A plan for you For your special day I set the strategy so carefully I was quite a bit unsure That you are not gonna be welcome But I have made up my mind And there is no turning back Day by day Wait, wait and wait I was thinking About every possibility It shook me a bit But I decided to go hard I prepared anything To make sure the plan will go well Few days before the day I tried to reached you by phone number But it was unresponsive I used the Line messenger No response I guessed I was blocked It freaked me out I almost lost the hope I thought you were still mad at me But I got another plan I came to your place To check you still live there But it was clueless I was sad I thought it was over I got one less way Twitter It was last way I could use I beg you to meet me I was afraid for few hours And thanks god!!! You replied You let me do it Actually I had to lie I said I had something to tell you You were quite a bit curious Because I said I don't want to talk about it through chat app * Here the appointment: > Place: Your place > Time: Midnight > Date: 12 Feb 2016 After the agreement It was such a relief 2 days before the day It felt calm A day before I ordered the cake Cause it is the important thing When the day came I woke up in morning I wish the time has ran faster Because I was so excited Few hours before midnight It was a bit frightening 00:00 I went out from home Otw to your place I felt like I was not ready to meet you But I almost got the finish line So I kept going I arrived I was nervous I could feel my heartbeat It was beating fast The nearer I went to your place The faster it beaten 00:18 I knocked the door It felt like My heart was about to fall out from my body You opened the door I was clumsy It was hard to say my prepared lines And I gave the cake You seemed clumsy too I could see it by your body language I said I would go home immediately And you said "serius?" Fool I was to say yes Honestly if you insisted me I would like to stay But you didn't And then I left I couldn't believe That I did that So so so happy I smile much You sent messages through twitter You said you were confused How I remember your birth date And you had nothing to say Beside "thanks a lot ya kuenya" And "Malu aku nah serius" I was so happy to see it Honestly the first purpose is I just want to make "A Happy Ending" for our story But I couldn't lie That I still want you And the reality is I can't win you again So I decided to stick with the first purpose For hours I waited for you to tweet something A tweet to thank me But you don't do that I was thinking I could beat your bitches with that surprise But I am wrong That bitch's breakfast is more romantic than the birthday cake I gave you Poor Deny the day dream believer Hahahaa!!! But that's OK To see you smile on your birthday is enough I'm so grateful Because God lets me be part of your special moment And thanks to you for letting me to do it I just could pray and wish You will be better person You will be successful in your life and in your death (Amin) I am waving white flag Once again Happy Birthday!!! And our story ends

[denyary]

Dream of Mine

Deny Arysandi That is my name I have dreams But most of them Is already gone The rest, they are dying And there is a possibility That they will be just a story As a child, My dreams are changeable But I guess, it's normal As time passes, The world teaches me That pursuing dreams is not easy It opens my eyes wider The world undirectly trains me It trains me to be stronger And more realistic It is because I have a limit I mean limits One of them is money I was born in family That has general finance condition I believe in God I do believe that God has estimated everything perfectly And book of my destiny has been set All people know that education is important Important in determining the future I realize that I like education I mean, I like learning Especially learning something That intrigues me But unfortunately I have to postpone it Or maybe I have to stop hoping Stop hoping to learn in university Being a person who graduated From high-school is enough There is no specific ability That can attract business man And end up in servicing in bottom place I postponed my education Because I couldn't afford it But I tried to make a plan I calculated everything I have set all the steps Working, saving money, and two years waiting I almost made it But massive unemployment periode came Desperate knocked my door It was like glass in pieces Lying is what I am doing now To hide the tears, desperation, jealousy, anger etc Sometimes I feel like Maybe university is place that I would never go Or maybe I am destined as high school graduate, no university graduate Meeting friends might help me But honestly it makes it worse Their stories in their universities become part of our conversation I tried to understand it Even though I end up being clueless When they share all those things It seems like they slap me I feel like they make a fun of me But they will never find out Because I have 1000 masks Since I know I could not go to university right after high-school graduation I am never smiling behind my smile Now it gets worse I can not remember when and where I LOL for the last time Maybe I will forget how to LOL Human only can plan And God will decide No matter how perfect the plan If God thinks that It's not a right time Human just can re-plan until it succeeds

[denyary]

Dua puluh satu | Twenty one | Vingt et un

[denyary]

Needed Beauty

You don't have to be physically beautiful to be valuable. You don't have to be physically beautiful to be happy. You don't have to be physically beautiful to be loved. All you need is just to have a beautiful heart and beautiful mind.

[denyary]

December

Hi tumblr Ca fait long temps, hein? You know December comes And it holds me tight Like two best friends That separate for long time I still can remember The things that have happened In last December I realize That it was the last time I touched R I kissed R I held R I will never ever can erase it It’s too strong, It’s too deep Because It’s too beautiful and also painful It’s has been one year For me, it’s still not enough I don’t do much healing But I keep on trying Maybe I’m going to the end The end of my lust story And you’re the good ending (Thank you) A month Ago I have read some articles It becomes a doctrine to me The ground of sin we did It’s lust not love I got lust while I’m feeling love There’s nothing wrong About what I felt The problem is My dumb ass interpretation It was innocent Because I was amateur And the consequence hit my heart I can’t see my heart but I can feel it It’s getting better everyday But it’s still not 100% healed Inconsiderately You change me I’m not who I was I’m getting more numb Cause I running out of love Change to be better is right Because it’s so human My lust will always control me But I won’t let it work like it did It’s getting more handled For me, The great feeling is When you can see The bright side and the dark ones In the same time What happened to me was not “Puppy Love” But it’s “Puppy Lust” You’re not with me now But some things Those things still can make me Think about you.

[denyary]

Scenery Hunter

[denyary]

🌇

[denyary]

An apology

Syawal month comes Forgiving is all about it And before its presence I've decided to apologize For what I've done to you I couldn't deny that there is a hope A hope to get back with you But the main reason of the apology I just want to make everything right I mean "No Revenge" And when the first day came I sent you an apology You replied it It means that we forgive each other And it feels such a relief Maybe you did that Just for formality But thanks for replying I know it will not change your mind Because "When it is over, it is over" I'm just a little part of your past A little part that you never want to remember I admit that this feeling is blind And it makes me fall sometimes "No strings attached" I want it so baddd You'll be my beautiful ghost That will always haunt me Because of you I don't want to play with that kind of feeling Maybe it sounds naif But I think that way "Desperate, Vulnerable and Fragile" Three words that can describe me now I can hide The pain The weak side The tears From all the people around me Except God The dumbest idea that just slipped in my head "Text you and say (I miss you)" Holly shittt!!! MISS YOU? Yes it's True But in the name of consistency I won't do it Cause I know your prince is Fresher, more delightful and more appealing than me Hahaa Poor me! I'm blown away by your plan I mean your education plan I pray that God will always be with you Amin

[denyary]

Being hurted is one of ways to learn how to not hurt other people

[denyary]

Was it you?

Back to few days ago

I felt that I saw you

But I recognized it by your appearance

Not by your face

And it was at traffic light

I was just wondering

“Was it you with your boo?”

At that time

I thought It was you

And in the same time

The process of “Briser le cœur“ went on

Hahaa

How miserable it was

But when I was at home

I was unsure 

Cause there was something

Something wrong with the hair of your feet

I saw it clear

I don’t know if you get it shaved

But it makes me goes unsure

Who was that person?

You or other people?

A month ago

I tried to text you

And I hoped that you would reply

So I’d know your condition

But It didnt happen

I just blame myself

Cause I keep trying to reach you

Where I shouldn’t be supposed to do it

Deep down in my heart

I am still hopping

But deep inside my head

I have to let you go

And a year is not enough to forget

Cause our everything is unfaded scar

But I will keep on trying

The more I struggle, The stronger I will be (Amen)

Maybe you avoid me

Maybe you forget me

Maybe you hate me

Yeah go a head

Oh destiny oh destiny

You’re unpredictable

I wish that god would always be by your side

To guide you far from sin

(AMEN)

You know what?

I don’t stalk you anymore on one of your social media

It has been a month

Yeay!!!

Although my curiosity is getting higher that before

I’m getting usual with that.

You are moving on

I am still distracted a bit

“Quitter toi n'est pas la fin mais ça peut-être le nouveau commencement“

[denyary]

Process

The process keep going on

Despite the long space is between us

Do you feel it?

Do you see it?

Do you realize it?

I am just ordinary human

I can not read your answer

It has been about 3 months

And I am still struggling

And you?

I have said

That I will try to help you

By keeping the distance from you

But it is 50:50

Hahaa, That’s me!

A little conversation

I want you to start it

But I know it is difficult for you

I do not know

How many people stand next to you

People that will erase me

You stated that you are struggling

To get back to way you should be in

It is not an instant things

Cause many things lick your faith

And I just can say

“Please, don’t give up”

I am sorry

If I still have a curiosity

But I just do it on “ Réseau Social”   

For couple of month

You seemed OK

And yesterday you got problem

Because of that

You need someone to share with

Is it too difficult for you?

Indirectly I always say to you

“If you need me, GO GRAB YOU PHONE AND CALL ME”

I am available for you

Deny Arysandi

[denyary]

Unkiss me By Maroon 5

I still stalk you

I hate it but I like it

You seem struggling

But you keep trying to hide it

Hanging out is the way you do

To forget all of your problem

And you are still unstable

You go up and down

And cause of that

I get it too

I want to help you

But I can't

Because I am trying

To hold myself

So I will not get down anymore

Sometimes I make

All these things so dramatic

And act over

Maybe what you posted

Is not about me at all

But I keep denying

Maybe it's about someone else

Someone that is so markable

Until you can not erase

Honestly, I am wondering

Who is that person?

You posted

That you want to find someone special

And you got my both thumbs

Go! Find that someone!

Maybe someone special can change you

Change you to be better

But It seems hard for you

To walk out quickly from "Gray World"

Because it keeps teasing you

And it makes you think

Think that person again

Again again and again

It makes you feel blue

And I know

You are getting sick of it

Just so you know

It happens to me until now

Well, it sucks

But it is also good for you

I hope

You could be more open

Be more sensitive

You started with glad heart

To forget that person

To not feel blue

And move on

But I hate one in your playlist today

That song is like slapping my face

Do you totally understand that song?

It seems like the blame is on me

It is like I am the only one that make mistakes

But you don't

Am I mean?

I can not blame you

Cause you are still innocent

Deny Arysandi

[denyary]

Bersama

REFF:

Oh sayangku (u u)

Cobalah dengarkan hatiku (u u)

Ku hanya ingin bersamamu (u u)

Bersama hingga akhir waktu....

Oh cintaku (u u)

Tak perlu engkau meragu (u u)

Karna cinta ini hanya milikmu (u u)

Dan aku pun tahu (u u)

Bahwa kau cinta padaku.

[denyary]

Gone

REFF:

I gave you, your last chance

But you just throw it all the way

I gave you dreams

And I know you burn it down

I gave you my trust

But you just let it fade away

I gave you all my love

And you just break it that way

BRIDGE:

We promised that

We'll be together

And let the time

Do the saparation

"Fool" is what you want me to be

How dare you lie to me

REFF:

I gave you, your last chance

But you just throw it all the way

I gave you dreams

And I know you burn it down

I gave you my trust

But you just let it fade away

I gave you all my love

And you just break it that way

I gave you, your last chance

But you just throw it all the way

I gave you dreams

And I know you burn it down

I gave you my trust

But you just let it fade away

I gave you all my love

And you just break it that way

I will leave you alone

Cause the love is gone

[denyary]

Survive

2 weeks ago

We met again

We did sin again

With same reason

And I thought that

"I am your bitch"

"Will always be your bitch"

And I agreed with it

But these recent days

I stalked you again (sorry)

Just to know

What you do

What you feel

What you think

And you surprised me a bit

There was something made me thinking

All night long

But now I am in a process

Process of understanding

That you seem struggling

With "Gray World"

Maybe you have done it for months

I conclude that

It could be your main reason

Why you disappeared for months

But why don't you tell me???

2015 has come

I got a new book to write

And I will not put your name

In that book

Cause our journey has been over

In my 2014 book

And you had better do it too

I want you to fulfill it

With happiness

Not with pain, sin or other bad things

And I always wish all the best for you

Anyway I am happy

Cause you keep on trying

To survive

To walk again on straight road

And be what you are supposed to be

As God's beautiful creature

Thank to God

Cause God was listening my pray

And I hope that

You will get your ass out from that world Immediately

And never ever get back there again

Because of stalking

I know what I am supposed to do

And let me help you

Deny Arysandi