Just a few days ago, I awoke from a bittersweet dream that immediately slipped out of my mind the moment that I opened my eyes. Naturally, I remembered some significant moments in the dream. To explain why it was "bittersweet," I must point out that the dream revolved around Peter. It encompassed my true feelings, the feelings that I still have for him. Yes, I still love him, and I just can't let go of that relationship yet. I haven't let go, and honestly, I don't want to let go.
In the dream, I was with him and a group of friends, and we were walking the streets of a sunny city. We came across a corner pizzeria and later, a minimalist furniture store. Walking up the stairs of the store, I suddenly felt the familiar embrace, the firm, muscular arms that I have longed for so long. He holds me close and kisses me on the top of the head, like he used to. It felt so real. At that point, I was half-conscious, and I especially remember that feeling. I will never forget that feeling. It's the one thing I wish for at this point. One more kiss. One more hug....
Waking up, I felt my blood rushing and my head spinning. I now realize that the dream was meaningful. I need to encounter this problem. So today, I talked to Jennie about it, and she gave me advice on how to cope with the pain. I'm glad she understands how I feel right now. It's really nice to have someone that truly understands the pain and empathizes with you. Honestly, I wanted to cry in class. With the stress of the midterms and this whole issue with Peter, I was just so overwhelmed. In times of stress, I just need someone's arms to cry in. The thing is, this "someone" is no longer Peter, and that just continues to strike me.
"He's not yours anymore." "Don't think about him." "He doesn't care about you anymore." This is how I feel. I feel like to him, our relationship meant nothing. To me, it was a splendid chapter of my life. I learned so many things. I experienced so many firsts. Today, he is still associated with all of the things that make me happy: New York City, indie music, and happiness, itself. Peter just meant so much to me that he became a big part of my happiness. I just don't know if I'll truly fill in that hole in my heart, that missing puzzle piece, the stab wound.
I go to school everyday, wondering how he is doing without me. How happy he is, how frustrated he may be, what he was doing. I used to know all of this. And now? Well, I could say we're just about strangers again. The most we ever do now is nod hello or smile as we pass each other in the hallways. How did something so precious become.... this? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
For the past month or so, I have been trying to distract myself from thinking about him. Sometimes it works, and other times it gets worse. I try to look to other options: "Oh, he's smart, funny, athletic, and attractive!" But you know what's not there among the amazing attributes of this near-perfect guy? Feelings. I don't have feelings for him. All I see in him is his achievements, his prowess in sports and academics. There are no feelings there.
I've even tried to make new friends. Friends of friends, really. When I talk to them, I fall in love with their personalities, but alas, I refuse to associate a face to the voice. I will not let myself fall into yet a deeper ditch. I don't want to fall in love anymore. I'm done hurting myself like this.
So I've decided to listen to the advice of wise Jennie. I want to take up a new hobby or activity right before bed, when I usually think of all of these unhappy and heartbreaking thoughts. I can start reading again, or exercising, or listening to the sound of artificial rain. Really, I need anything that will take my mind off of the one thing that it always goes back to. I really need to stop this. I'll start draining all of my energy out before bed. I'll stop eating so much. I'll let myself starve down a little. This remedy will take a thousand years for all I know, but I hope it'll help me out of these hard times eventually. Obviously, there is no fast way to cure this. I need to be treated with love, friendship, care from others, and understanding.That's all I ask for. I hope I can find some people that will truly stay by me during this time. I'm just scared I'll go back into the state that I was a few months ago. I don't want to start hurting myself again because I know I deserve better. I will heal myself.
I could so easily write all of these things, all of the goals that I plan on achieving. However, knowing my unstable heart, I'll end up allowing myself to further hurt myself and to let my mind drift back to what could have been of Peter and I, of us. For now, all I can do is fight this disease of the heartstrings with my thousand-year drug.
