📝 summary : Jaebum comes home to a silent house and the water running from the bathroom.
📝 pairing : youngjae, jaebum
📝 genre : angst / TW : depression, suicide, character death
📝 word count : 1k
📝 notes : yesterday was one of those days.. :) i hope you guys like this! sorry for errors its unedited.
Jaebum didn’t know what lay ahead. He had come to work early, kissing the top of Youngjae’s forehead before heading towards his car. It was infuriating, he wanted to stay beside Youngjae instead, watch the younger's steady breaths, and kiss every part of him.
Regret.
With a heavy heart he rushed to return home as soon as he got a text message from his lover, reading it an hour late, immediately calling 911.
”I’m sorry, Jaebum.” It read.
He slammed open the door, taking long strides towards the source of the sound of running water. The bathroom.
Raising his fists, sturdy knuckles colliding with the rough surface of the door. “Youngjae! Open up the door!” He cried, he knocks a little harder, causing his knuckles to form a bruise. He fumbled with the doorknob, finding out it was locked. Damn it.
Jaebum backed away from the only thing that is keeping his distance from Youngjae. He counted, and barged through the door, successfully breaking the door down. He was bleeding, he could feel the pain. His shoulders. Oh. But that doesn't matter, only Youngjae matters.
The sight left him numbed. The pain from his shoulder? Gone.
Youngjae? Gone.
He fell to his knees, scurrying towards the unmoving body underneath the tub full of water, ignoring the scattered sleeping pills that he crushes every step he took. He shakily grab a hold of the freezing body. How long did he stay in there? He must've felt cold.
Jaebum brushed his lover's hair away from his face, letting out a small smile, eyes welling up of tears that slowly slips down onto Youngjae's pale face each time he looks at him, he holds his hand, grasping the fingers, staring at the ring on his finger.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He repetitively mumbled against the other's hair as he cradled the body closer to his.
He couldn't feel anything, see anything, his eyes blurry from the tears that constantly cover his vision. His whole body was shuddering, continuing to hold Youngjae close. Unable to hear the paramedics as they rush to transfer Youngjae's body to the stretcher. Jaebum stayed still, Youngjae is dead. Youngjae is dead.
Youngjae is...
He lets out a scream. Grabbing and tugging at his brown locks. He stopped and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, his hair disheveled, eyes red, his left shoulder still bleeding non stop. A hand on his shoulder pulled him away from his thoughts, he thrashes from their hold, until he felt a sharp pain from his neck. A sedative.
"We need to treat your wound or it'll get worse." He heard someone say, before falling into deep slumber.
What's the point? Without Youngjae, what's the point? I'm better off dead.
Voices. indistinct voices awoken him. Eyes adjusting to the white room, he moved his head towards his left side, the injured shoulder bandaged up securely, he wanted nothing but to rip it apart, to let the blood flow out until he runs out, but he was too tired, too hazy to lift a finger. His eyes drifted to the people seated on the couch. A woman rushes up to him. His mother, and another one, Youngjae's mother.
Youngjae.
He teared up, sobbing silently, sitting up from his bed and grabbing hold Mrs. Choi's hand, he repeatedly apologized, voice cracking at each word he spoke. “I-I c-couldn’t protect h-him.” He croaked out. He felt a soft hand caressing his hair, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. “It wasn’t your fault.” It was. “Don’t replace grief with guilt.” I will.
It was my fault.
My. Fault.
His blurry eyes watched his mother hand him an envelope. To Jaebum. It read. “T-the police found this inside your bedroom, seems like Y-Youngjae really planned this out.” He shakily takes it, clutching it tight yet gently to avoid creasing it.
“We’ll leave you alone for a while. Don’t do anything, please. We’re very sorry for your loss.” His father says, his voice surprisingly unsteady, calling on everyone to get out of the room. The soft click of the door rang inside his head.
He opened the letter, staring at the messy handwriting of his husband. He laughed softly, before his lips tremble as he reads the letter :
Dear my Jaebum,
If you are reading this right now. Then I am truly sorry. I have passed away. It slowly ate me, Jaebum. Everyday. I didn’t tell you.. but it hurt. I was suffocating inside, it was hard to breathe. I felt like I was just forcing myself to breathe, because I love being with you. I didn’t want to do this, trust me. But I got sick of those anti-depressant pills! I stopped taking them a few months ago. I wanted to know how it would feel without taking it everyday. I wanted to be truly happy without them. Taking them everyday left me nauseous. It was like I faked being happy, I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy whenever we’re together, I was! I love you, so so much that I fought it this long. The pain I felt got worse everyday that I spent most nights crying silently. I felt lonely, isolated, like I didn’t belong. The voices in my head didn’t help either. I lost the fight Jaebum, but that doesn’t mean you can follow me, I encourage you to live like how I wanted to live.
Jaebum wiped his tears, “H-how can I live without you, i-idiot.” He snorted. He took notice of the smudges of ink on some words. Youngjae must’ve been crying while writing this.
I know things will be difficult, I don’t expect you to get over it soon. But please live. For me. I really wanted to stay, but it got too much and I was sick of it. Maybe I didn’t fight back enough, maybe I should’ve seek help… but I didn’t. My death is not your fault, it’s mine. Take care Jaebum, I love you to the moon and back, and I’m sorry again. Stop crying, you’ll look ugly.. gosh, i love you so much
also, Happy Anniversary My Precious Bummie <3
- Your hubby, Youngjae
Youngjae’s letter was wet due to Jaebum’s tears, he curled up on the hospital bed, sticking the letter towards his chest. “I’m sorry. don’t worry my love, I’ll see you soon. You won’t ever feel lonely again.”
Hewwo! I am Jane! First of all, I like reading + writing angst.
I like making edits when i am free.
I am a 2jae and yugjae enthusiast! (honestly hmu with any ship)
I ship myself with watermelon (ik im weird) #watermelonjane
and I love youngjae :D
I love a lot of kpop groups :)
EXO & GOT7 are my ult groups :3
i love coffee and hot choco~
i love the people whom i talk to everyday!
uhhhh idk what to say anymore... i’m weird and i cry a lot and laugh a lot.
Thank you haha okay bye.
cr. pictures on header do not belong to me (& forgot where i found them)
This is late, isn’t it? Ah, I’m sorry, I just wanted to finish this fic.
Anyway, hi! My name is Thiya (you can also call me Thi) and I’m from India. I’m a huge 2jae enthusiast and I write a lot of fanfiction about them. I’m pretty shy and intimidated easily by people so if you’re up for talking do approach me because I will not no matter how badly I want to talk to you. I got into K-pop early 2016 and into GOT7 during December 2016. I was sold to 2jae that easily. I love them so much. I’m also not very good at talking about myself, can you tell? I’m going to quit the intro now - I think my writing says a lot more about me than anything else I can say.
Title: Symphony
Word Count: 4,598
Genre: Fluff, mostly. It’s very cliche stuff, jeez.
Other notes: I wanted to make it six posts but I don’t have that much patience. Also the parts are named after songs, but I accidentally referenced so many other songs and I was laughing about that. This hasn’t been proofread. Super cliche stuff.
1. Rewind
Sharing an apartment with someone who has a tendency of hopping onto your train of thought often means that that person will never leave your thoughts, and Choi Youngjae knows that better than anyone.
Work is his haven of solace, where he can focus on computing the numbers on his screen and his heart can keep itself together without melting into a gooey mess all over his rib cage. Back at his apartment, he has to face the sight of his housemate—a ridiculously beautiful sight, that much is true—, and he gladly would if it wasn't for the effect it had on his heart and his mind.
Im Jaebum is unfair to Youngjae, and he doesn't even have a clue that he is.
It's in his lazy gait, his relaxed exterior. It's in his smile that makes his eyes crinkle into crescents. It's in his bad jokes and blatancy. It's in his quiet caring manner that one can't detect very well under the tough appearance, with the ripped jeans and the multiple piercings. It's in the way that he can't pass a cat without petting it.
It's even in his faults, from his fiery temper to his firmness about right and wrong. It's in the way he's a stickler for respect. It's in the way he leaves his books all over the apartment and the sheepish way that he asks Youngjae if he's seen his fourth Harry Potter book.
It's in the small moments that they share, that they can't keep from sharing, since they're confined to the same small space for quite a significant portion of their time. The small moments that Youngjae's mind has the habit of replaying too many times over, just pulling it back and rewinding every time.
It's in the way he wakes Youngjae up, with shaking progressing from gentle to merciless, a small murmur of “Jae, wake up,” to “Choi, if you don't wake the fuck up right now, I'm eating your breakfast too.”
And this morning is no different.
“You know, I spend so much energy just waking you up every morning, it's surprising that I don't have a six pack yet,” sighs Jaebum with a shove to Youngjae's shoulder.
Youngjae, who's almost awake by now, tries to not think about that. He sleepily attempts to lash an arm out at Jaebum, but it comes off as more of a defeated flap.
“Okay, that's it, I'm done.” Youngjae doesn't realize fast enough when Jaebum slides his arms below Youngjae's knees and neck to pull him clean off the mattress.
With a yelp, Youngjae wraps his arms around Jaebum's neck, eyes snapping open at the shock of being separated from his mattress. Jaebum laughs, and Youngjae can feel the vibrations of his chest, which causes such a wave of emotions in him that he presses his face into the side of Jaebum's neck, only to take an almighty inhale of the scent of Jaebum's soap and realising that he just made his situation worse.
Jaebum's chuckling softly all the way until the living room, where he dumps Youngjae in a not-so-gentle manner on the couch, prompting an annoyed whine from the younger. “You're mean, Im Jaebum.”
Jaebum smirks, and Youngjae's heart combusts a bit inside his chest. “And you're cute, Choi Youngjae.”
Youngjae groans and covers his face with his hands, but his brain is at it again.
Pause. Rewind. Play.
2. A
As Jaebum catches Youngjae's eye for the seventh time in ten minutes, he wonders if the younger knows that he's being that obvious.
It's frankly quite amusing to Jaebum, who is—fortunately or unfortunately—highly observant, and has thereby picked up the indications that point to a very obvious conclusion: His housemate has fallen for him.
Does Jaebum have a problem with that? Absolutely not.
For one, he is the gayest gay to ever gay, so that part of the problem is non-existent. For two, Youngjae is probably his best option, on an absolute scale, not a relative one. Jaebum thinks that he could wait ages, but would still not come across someone as crazily sweet and adorable (the adjectives ought to be in italicized, bold, triple-underlined letters, because that's the amount of emphasis that Jaebum would like to place on that), or someone who was good at advice despite being younger, or someone who was just good company. Youngjae wasn't ideal—then again, no one was—, but his positives definitely outweighed his flaws.
So yeah, Jaebum definitely doesn't mind. In fact, he might just be falling himself, a progression that's causing him to do things that emotionally infuriate Youngjae, like being unnecessarily close or touchy. There are obvious ulterior motives here, because all that is what Jaebum wants too. He likes being close to Youngjae, falling asleep on Youngjae's shoulder when whatever they're watching gets too boring, catching Youngjae's gaze and receiving a guilty smile.
Jaebum would say something himself, but he wants to give Youngjae the moment, and that's annoying him as well, because Youngjae just won't take the prompt, no matter how obvious it is.
Which is ridiculous, because even without the words, Jaebum has figured it all out. When will Youngjae stop acting like this? Unbelievable.
They're up late on a Friday night, celebrating the end of another work week, and like usual, Jaebum falls asleep after the third episode of the TV show that they're making their way through, which currently is Riverdale.
When Jaebum blinks his eyes open, he suffers through the usual sleep-induced confusion stage, registering the identifying factors of his surroundings, like the fact that Youngjae is curled up and tucked into his side, and the fact that Jaebum fell asleep with his cheek resting on Youngjae's head. The laptop has been shut down and the only noises he's hearing are the tinny noises from the game that Youngjae's playing on his phone.
“Oh shit,” swears Jaebum in a mumble that makes it seem like his mouth has been stuffed with cotton. “I fell asleep again, didn't I?”
“Yup,” deadpans Youngjae, with an undertone that suggests that Jaebum might be more than a little stupid if he can't figure that out by himself. “You didn't even stay up long enough to find out who murdered Jason Blossom.”
“Fuck.” Jaebum rubs his eye with his fist and lets the world sink back into focus. “Don't tell me, then.”
“Mhmm,” hums Youngjae absently, focused on his game. “We can watch it over tomorrow afternoon, if you're not planning to fall asleep then.” Youngjae never minded watching something over as long as it was up to his standards, so Jaebum doesn't blink before agreeing.
“Now go sleep, idiot,” chides Youngjae, tearing his eyes away from his phone as the victorious game music plays. “You've barely slept the whole week, and you're causing me to worry.”
“Wouldn't want to do that,” smiles Jaebum playfully as his heart flutters in his chest like a restless bird in reaction to the concern shown. He leans over to press his lips to Youngjae's forehead. “G’night, Jae.”
There's a slight stutter to Youngjae's voice as he returns the words, which is the reason for Jaebum's self-satisfied smile that he wears as he walks to his room.
Now it's just a matter of time.
3. Confession Song
Trust me, Youngjae, Mark had said. It may seem cliché, but it will work, Youngjae, Mark had said. Easy for Mark to say. So easy. If Youngjae had been in the music industry instead of giving up that dream for him accounting degree, he would’ve had it as easy as Mark when the older had asked his fellow producer out (Jinyoung, Youngjae recalls the name to be).
Youngjae stares at the iPod in his hand, the name of the recording (which is 'Um, you should maybe listen to this’), and he wants to die. Did he just write a song to confess to Jaebum? Well, he didn't just do it. He stayed up for three whole nights to finish the whole thing, having to recall all the things he had to do to put together a song (the last time he'd done that was in high school), and recording over and over until his voice resembled ragged ribbons ruffled by the wind.
His hands shake as he places it on the kitchen counter with a pair of earphones. The iPod has been emptied of all tracks except this one, and Youngjae's heart is beating so loud that he can hear the drumming in his ears. He's two seconds away from shoving it into his pocket and disposing of it when he gets the chance, but no. He's put this off for too long.
He stares at the device again, then picks up his backpack and leaves. Jaebum's still in the shower, and Youngjae hadn't been lying completely when he had explained last night that he'd be leaving early for work this morning. He did have an early meeting—maybe not one that warranted leaving that early, but early regardless.
Youngjae spends the entire day feeling like he's walking on glass. He thanks every star of his that he forgot to take his phone with him this morning, because he'd run it down the previous night nervously playing games whenever he needed a break. Now he'd have to wait the whole day until he saw Jaebum and witnessed his reaction.
God, his neural endings feel like they’ve been set on fire, because every sound is making him jump. If Jaebum’s eventual reaction doesn’t kill him, the nerves just might.
=
Jaebum hums a small tune to himself as he takes the steps up to the apartment, a take-out bag hooked in his hand. He got to leave the office early enough today and decided to pick up dinner from Youngjae’s favorite restaurant on the way back, just because.
He’s just unlocked the door and placed the food on the dinner table when Youngjae walks in, tie hanging off his neck with the top button undone, his jet-black bangs a mess over his forehead. He looks like he’s been to hell and back. Jaebum wants to give him a huge hug and a couple forehead kisses and make him smile again.
And now Jaebum wants to punch himself in the face because when did he become so cheesy when it came to Youngjae? Jeez.
Youngjae gives him a odd look when he meets his eyes. It’s one that’s calculating, cautious. Jaebum doesn’t really understand it. “Hey, you,” he smiles. “I take it that work was as usual?”
“Mhmm, yeah,” answers Youngjae, his eyes narrowing by the tiniest fraction, as though trying to analyse Jaebum, pick some damning hint from his expression. Jaebum doesn’t get it. “Did you listen to…?”
A crease forms between Jaebum’s eyebrows. “Listen to what?” He’s confused now. What did he miss?
“I left, uh, you know what, never mind.” Youngjae pinches the bridge of his nose as though regretting all of his life decisions, and suddenly his phone starts ringing from the corner table where it's been connected to the charger.
Youngjae strides across the room to pick it up. “Hello?” Pause. “My folder? Yeah, I left it at work but I'll pick it up tomo—Oh, you have it?” Pause. “You're downstairs? You didn't have to do that!” Pause. “Okay, I'll be down in a minute.”
Jaebum raises his eyebrows, asking for a explanation as Youngjae puts his phone down. “Yugyeom has the files I left at work, and he's downstairs, so I’m going to pick them up.” Jaebum shrugs, and Youngjae walks out the door.
Jaebum wanders to the kitchen to fetch two sets of cutlery when he sees Youngjae's iPod sitting on the edge of the counter, tucked behind the sugar container and almost completely hidden from sight. Jaebum frowns. He's generally the one leaving stuff in all weird places.
He yanks the iPod out of its hiding place and a pair of earphones trails behind it. The screen lights up when Jaebum clicks the power button to see if the device is still functioning, displaying a rather oddly named song.
He stares at the screen for a couple seconds and then bursts out laughing. Youngjae did not. Youngjae did not. Jaebum can't believe him. This must've been what Youngjae had been referring to earlier.
That cheesy, cliché male. Jaebum’s smile turns a little softer as he puts the earphones in and clicks play. Youngjae's blissful singing voice filters through the earphones, and Jaebum can tell right off the bat that this is exactly what he expected. A soft, melodious backing track and lyrics that warmed him from head to toe pronounced in Youngjae's honest and emotional voice.
Jaebum buries his face in his hands because it has turned scarlet and is burning so much that he's pretty sure that he's radiating enough heat to raise the temperature of the entire apartment. The very thought of someone writing a song for him has been unfathomable his entire life and then this? God, Jaebum doesn't even have words to describe his feelings at the moment.
Once the song has ended, there's a pause, like a microphone is being adjusted, then a tentative voice speaks. “Uh, hyung? I'm pretty sure you understand the context of all of that. I am rather obvious, am I not?” A small guilty laugh, and Jaebum grins like an idiot. “But anyway, all of this is a hundred percent really, and I guess that scares me in a way.” A pause. “Maybe I shouldn't have said that. It's just—jeez, I like you so much, okay? I had to say it. If you don't feel the same way, just wrap the earphones around the iPod and leave it where you found it. I'll understand, and you can just forget about all of this. I don't think I'd be able to handle the conversation. Alright.” A beep, and the recording ends.
Jaebum places the iPod back on the counter, contemplating on what reaction to exhibit once Youngjae came back upstairs. Yugyeom tends to talk a lot, so Jaebum knows he still has a couple minutes. He picks up two sets of cutlery and sets them next to the containers of food, sifting through scenarios in his head.
The front door slams just as Jaebum has come up with an elaborate plan to feign ignorance at first, and then drop a reference a little later to fluster Youngjae and successfully let the cat out of the bag.
However, that plan goes to shit as soon as he meets Youngjae's eyes, and a smile ripples across his face—an unbridled force of nature, emotion-heavy and resistant to any attempt to suppress it.
Youngjae narrows his eyes. “What are you smiling for?”
Jaebum presses his lips together, wanting the huge bubble of feelings in his chest to stop trying to come up his throat. “Nothing,” he attempts to shrug nonchalantly.
“You're turning red,” points out Youngjae slowly. He digs his fingernails into his palm. “Are you sick? That's one of two explanations I can think of. Did you listen to—?”
“No,” lies Jaebum, before a waterfall of giggles begins spilling out of his mouth.
“You're a really bad liar,” comments Youngjae with an embarrassed laugh, as Jaebum walks over to him.
“I am, am I not?” grins Jaebum, stopping a couple inches in front of Youngjae.
“Totally,” says Youngjae, placing his hands on either side of Jaebum's smiling face. “Holy fuck, your entire face has gone crimson.” His hands slide down Jaebum's face and neck to finally rest on his chest, Youngjae staring at the fabric of the shirt instead of Jaebum's face.
“Your doing, I believe,” teases Jaebum, wrapping his arms around Youngjae's waist and pulling him closer. “That song was insane. In the best way. Didn't expect you to do that.”
A small embarrassed laugh escapes Youngjae's mouth. “Didn't expect myself to do that either.” His breath catches just the slightest, but then he lets out a relieved sigh, which Jaebum can feel because they are in proximity that close.
And Jaebum can't resist the urge to tease Youngjae a bit. “Honestly, I thought you'd never say anything. I was on the verge of giving up hope and confessing myself.”
“Shut up. I'm an obvious procrastinator, I know,” grumbles Youngjae, a small smile on his lips.
“Oh, you don't say. So obvious that—” Jaebum's words are cut off when Youngjae presses his lips to his in a sharp, sudden kiss, a short one that Jaebum doesn't even properly register until it's over.
“Kindly cease your harping on that,” grins Youngjae, evidently proud of himself.
“I thought I'd have to take first turn,” says Jaebum, looking a little shell-shocked, but very, very pleased.
“You can be the second. And third. And so on and so forth,” says Youngjae, a smidge of shyness creeping into his words.
Jaebum laughs and leans his forehead against Youngjae's. He doesn't say it, but he wants to be Youngjae's last.
4. It Hurts
Nothing is perfect. No task, no option, no situation, no relationship. There is a relative scale of imperfection, from a slight misalignment to survivable to seriously, we can't fix this. The ranking of anything on this scale depended on how the subjects concerned treated it. No more, no less.
Disagreements also have a scale. There's bickering. Then there's plain disagreeing. Then there's arguing. Then there's fighting. Then there are the full-blown fights that rattle the infrastructure of the very relationship, the fight version of an earthquake, negating the surity of the future of the relationship.
One progresses to the other, when neither party manages to call a ceasefire, or makes any attempt at all to stop the snowballing.
Jaebum is a stubborn person. Youngjae, not so much, but the characteristic is simply exhibited to a lesser degree in him, not really non-existent. Fights are inevitable—they always have been—and mostly they find their way around them. But there happens to be one sore topic that they simply cannot see eye to eye on, and that causes all their problems—the future.
Jaebum is always one to plan way ahead, jumping decades ahead to decide outcomes for then. Everything is a long term problem with him. That's just the way he is.
Youngjae, on the other hand, is not that kind of person. Living in the moment is more his thing. Simply living, making decisions in the moment, without worrying about the consequences.
Which is why Jaebum reacts that much when Youngjae can't give him a straight answer on how serious it is, what they have. Is Youngjae a part of his future plans? Because that's what Jaebum wants, though he won't say that out loud because he's not sure of what Youngjae thinks. Whenever he voices the question, Youngjae will tell him to stop overthinking, give him a soft kiss, and tell him to just enjoy what they have in this very moment.
But that's difficult, isn't it? Because what if Jaebum makes all his plans around this boy, only to figure out that what they had was nothing but a fling? Fleeting. Ephemeral. No forever. So he persists, calculating his timing and phrasing, but it all goes to shit every time.
It'll start off with a comment from Jaebum, accidental or otherwise. Youngjae will make his comeback, because when it comes to this he simply cannot resist. Thus begins the downward spiral into a fight, until one of them says that they're tired of it, and they simply stop talking about it, no attempt of resolution made.
Shoving a problem under the carpet is the worst possible way to handle it, so it's no surprise when one day the metaphorical carpet is ripped away and the problem makes its presence known in the ugliest of forms, resulting in one extremely large fight where every negative mental receipt kept comes up, when they stray so far that they forgot where they started.
Jaebum shuts himself in his room—the one he hasn't slept in for ages—and Youngjae goes to his, throwing a set of clothes into his backpack along with his laptop and files from his latest client, and texts Mark once he slams the apartment door behind him, informing the older that he's staying the night with him, because he really needs a break right now.
Then out of spite, with fury burning through his veins, he switches texts to send another few texts.
Jaebum <3
[ last seen one hour ago ]
you believe you asked for an answer<<
here it is<<
we're over<<
He stares at his screen for a few seconds more, until the words blur into ambiguity. He's about to put his phone back into his pocket when it buzzes once.
Jaebum <3
[ online ]
>>best news i've ever heard.
>>have a great life, youngjae.
Jaebum stares at his phone as the ticks next to his message change color to confirm that they have been read, tear after tear trailing down his cheeks.
He got his answer. Now he thinks he could've gone the rest of his life not knowing.
5. Sign
They say the words uttered in anger are the ones you most regret.
They're right, because if there's one thing that Youngjae has been feeling nonstop for the last one week, it's pure, unadulterated regret.
He's been staying with Mark since the fight, and Mark had been nothing but accomodating, and Youngjae tries to repay him the best he can. Mark's boyfriend is sweet as well, babying Youngjae by making him eat second helpings and making sure he doesn't stay up working too late and tire himself of—Youngjae feels like he's found a second mom in Jinyoung. The ache of familiarity that fills his chest when Mark looks at Jinyoung with absolute fondness makes Youngjae realize that it'll take him more than a while to get over Jaebum.
The night of the fight, Youngjae had sat up talking to Mark until three in the morning, verbally contemplating at length about how big a mistake he made and the fact that this is all his fault. Mark is one of the best listeners, and he doesn't have much advice to give, the only thing he had to say being “Well, it all comes down to what will make you happy. It's just that simple.”
What makes him happy? The answer is simple, and he can feel it in his bones, his nerves, his muscles,every time that he goes back to the apartment to fetch something or the other of his, when he knows Jaebum is at work. His subconscious murmurs that he keeps making excuses just to go back there, and he has nothing to say to contradict that.
He misses his home, with its walls painted in pastels, with its sense of disorderly order, like order was attempted to be maintained, emphasis on attempted. He misses his home with Jaebum in it. He misses Jaebum.
If home is where the heart is, then Jaebum is Youngjae's home. Youngjae already knows that he's not going to be moving on anytime soon, that the possibility of him doing that is next to zero, because he doesn't even want to do that. He wishes he could tell Jaebum that, ask for another chance, but he's afraid that Jaebum's pride will prevent him from taking Youngjae back.
Until ten days after the fight, when Youngjae goes back to get a USB drive of his, and he finds a piece of paper taped to his bedroom door.
Jae, I know you've been dropping by. When my books are suddenly straightened and my jacket is not draped over the couch, I know that's your doing. Either that or some other neat freak has been sneaking into my house and I need better security. I'm hoping it isn't the latter.
Anyway, we were stupid to fight, and I can't go on like this. I was so focused on the future to realize what I did have. I'm leaving work early today. Come back home in time for dinner, okay? I miss you.
Youngjae stares at the note and lets the words sink in, smiling as he reads them over a second time. That's all the cue he needs.
6. Never Ever
Youngjae swears at the traffic in front of him. Then he swears at the thought of his boss, who thought it was okay to keep Youngjae late on the one day that be wanted to get out early.
He pauses in front of the apartment door, key frozen next to the lock. He takes a second to smooth down his hair, knowing that he looks like a mess. He just wanted to get that fast enough, and the sensible side of him reminds him that Jaebum anyway does not care how he looks.
He inserts the key into the lock and twists, letting himself in. Jaebum, looking freshly showered in a large hoodie, is by the island countertop of the joint kitchen, emptying a bag of chips into a bowl, an act he pauses once he notices Youngjae.
The air between them hums with a nameless energy, neither good nor bad. It's laced with the slightest bit of acceptance, because they both figured they'd end up back here.
“So I know I fucked up,” starts Jaebum, words slow and disjoint. Huh, just like him to blame things on himself. “And we have issues to discuss.”
“But please, none of that now,” interrupts Youngjae with a soft sigh. Just seeing Jaebum again has triggered in him so many emotions that he can't even begin to separate and analyse each one. “I'm just so tired.”
Tired from working so many nights, just to prevent myself from thinking about you. Tired of running. Tired of being angry. Tired of being away from you.
Jaebum understands that, so he simply holds his arms open so that Youngjae can walk into them. Burying his head into the hollow of Jaebum's neck, Youngjae lets out a breath that he didn't even know he was holding. Jaebum smells like cherry soap and minty cologne. He smells familiar and welcoming.
A feeling of relief washes over Youngjae. It feels like he's come home.
“I missed you, Jae,” whispers Jaebum, leaving a kiss on Youngjae crown. “So much.”
“I love you,” blurts out Youngjae suddenly. It's a thought that he'd been meaning to mention for a while—ten days to be exact. Only living without Jaebum made him realize how much he actually cared for Jaebum.
A pause. “You mean that?” The words are laced with suppressed emotion, uncertainty, a plea, a hope.
“Of course I do,” smiles Youngjae, giving Jaebum a little squeeze for emphasis. “And I am going to love you the same in the future.”
“Oh.” Youngjae can hear the smile in Jaebum's voice, in that one syllable. And all their arguments, they’re all solved right there. It’s an admission of defeat, but not a sad one. One that feels more like a treaty, a peace offering. Something that makes both sides happy. “Okay then.”
“That's it?” asks Youngjae, feigning offence. “I tell you all that, and that's how you reply?!”
“A bit… overwhelmed,” admits Jaebum, a little relieved laugh escaping his lips. “But I’m glad I don’t have to let you go. Ever.”
“Never ever?” asks Youngjae.
“Never ever ever,” adds Jaebum, beginning to giggle. It’s contagious, so Youngjae also starts laughing.
“Never ever ever ever?” asks Youngjae between wheezy chuckles. God, he’s so drunk on the feeling of contentment. “This chain is never going to end, is it?”
“It doesn’t have to,” obliges Jaebum, ruffling Youngjae’s hair. “We’ve got all eternity.”
Summary: Youngjae and Jaebum love the night, always have, but had never realized it. Until tonight. Tonight is going to a night they won’t forget.
Pairing: 2jae - Jaebum, Youngjae (GOT7)
Word count: 500
Can also be found on AO3.
Youngjae and Jaebum love the night, always have, but had never realized it.
Until tonight. Tonight is going to a night they won’t forget.
The night brings, naturally, silence with it. The night’s silence makes the sounds that are usually muffled by every day’s noises come to life. When the night comes, all the little sounds grow louder. The night brings, naturally, darkness with it. The night’s darkness shuts down their brains, allowing their hearts to come to life. The walls that they put up around them every day come down and they’re not afraid to feel, to love, to trust blindly.
Slowly pulling a hand from under the covers, Youngjae lightly traces Jaebum’s cheek with the tip of his fingers. He hears his breathing getting a little faster, he feels a trail of goosebumps blooming under his fingertips. What they love the most about the night is that they’re together – they don’t even have to hear or see each other to know that.
“Are you still awake?” Youngjae whispers.
Jaebum breathes out softly, “Yeah. Can’t get this thought out of my head.”
“What is it?”
Jaebum pulls their bodies even closer. There’s no space between them. One of Youngjae’s hands crawls under Jaebum’s T-shirt, resting on his lower back, Jaebum slots one of his legs between Youngjae’s. Their foreheads are resting against each other’s, they are breathing in each other’s breaths.
“Marry me.”
“I’d love to. More than anything,” Youngjae heaves a sigh, “but you know that we can’t.”
“Marriage is a bond established between two people. Everything else is just rituals imposed by the society. I want to marry you because I love you. I don’t need people to be present to acknowledge it. I don’t need to write my name on a paper to express my desire in wanting to live my life alongside you. We don’t need rings on our fingers to let the world know that we belong together. We just need each other… I just need you. So, do you take me as your husband?”
Youngjae pecks Jaebum’s lips one, two, three times, before he deepens the touch of their lips and they share a slow kiss.
He pulls back just enough to whisper, “I do,” he kisses him again, “I do. And you? Do you take me as your husband?”
“I do. Of course I do.”
Tonight, they don’t want silence. They loudly fill the bedroom with the sound of their moans and gasps mingling together, with the sound of their hearts beating together as one. Tonight, they don’t need light. In absolute darkness, their hands and lips are more than familiar with each other’s bodies, satisfying even the faintest of the pleas.
Tonight is a night that they will never forget. The moonlight dances across their naked skins, the stars shine brighter just for them. The world stops just for the two of them. Tonight it’s just Jaebum and Youngjae, no one else.
Tonight, Jaebum and Youngjae pronounce themselves husband and husband.
About the member:
Hi. My name is Ana, but I go by AC because there’s another Ana in this network. Born in ‘94.. I have a degree in Tourism and I’m currently unemployed.
I’m Portuguese, meaning I live in Europe, meaning that I’ll probably never see a K-Pop concert in my life as long as I live here.
Not really much to say about other than I’m an INTP so if you want to know who I am, just look for a short description of this type of personality and baam, that’s 10000% me! I’m also a huge geek (you can find me, on premiere day, at the theater whenever a Marvel movie comes out).
I’m multifandom (I know it says in my profile but I’m an ARMY, iGOT7 and EXO-L) and a reasonable human being, so I hate fanwars (cash me outside how ‘bout that?).
Oh, right, and I love 2jae with all my heart. Screw you both, you cutie pies, I want my life back!
part 2/2 of @2jaenetwork‘s intro event.
part 1/2 can be found [ here ]
☆・{ kai . 16 . she/her }・☆
hiya! my name’s kai, my friends call me kaikai and kia. i’m from australia and i’m abt to go into my last year of high school! it’s terrifying rly help sfhjk. i draw more than i should and i’m constantly listening to kpop jashdflsa.
i listen to got7 (ofc!!), astro, blackpink, day6 and twice!! those are the main artists i listen to, as well as a few others uvu. my favourite title track of got7′s is a tie between you are and never ever. my favourite non title track of theirs has to be either mayday, paradise or face.
my biases are yugyeom and jackson!! 2jae were my main biases for quite a while but then jackgyeom slowly took over,,,whoops. 2jae still hold a rly special place in my heart bc of how high they stayed on my bias list when i started stanning got7!! i admire 2jae’s relationship, it’s cute to watch and it just never fails to make me smile~
now for some random trivia~!
coffee or tea?
・ iced coffee where possible qvq
marvel or dc?
・ maRVELMARVELMARVELMARVELMARVEL-
early bird or night owl?
・ tbh i can be both, it tends to be both at the same time sometimes whoops-
sunset or sunrise?
・ sunsets can be rly pretty but i’ve only ever seen the sunrise qvq
spice or no spice?
・ i can’t deal with spicy foods ew. i can deal w a v v minor burn, but full blown spice kills me. i hate spicy w a passion unless there’s some way to kill it instantly iskfjhsd
do u kno da wae?
・ yaes i kno da wae
aaaand that’s all i’ve got for now. i don’t use caps unless i’m v excited or smth along those lines and keyboard smashes make up 99% of my vocabulary lmao
i look forward to making new friends in 2jaenet~!!
{ jaebum x depressed!youngjae }
genre ; angst
warning/s ; self harm / depression / blood
word count ; 1,167 words
If Youngjae hadn't of sent the text, he'd be fine, he'd have no clue about how he felt. Jaebum wouldn't have dropped everything and be making his way to his apartment at this very moment.
part 1/2 of @2jaenetwork‘s intro event.
part 2/2 can be found at the end of the writing.
He paced, left and right, his eyes flicking between his wrists and his desk. His phone was vibrating across the wooden surface and his wrists were anything but clean. Tears had flooded his eyes yet again; his name flashed across the screen and he felt the urge to collapse. His knees were weak and he didn't want to answer the calls. He was going to keep calling until he arrived at her door, whether he liked it or not.
If Youngjae hadn't of sent the text, he'd be fine, he'd have no clue about how he felt. Jaebum wouldn't have dropped everything and be making his way to his apartment at this very moment.
"Hey, I can't come to the phone right now, leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you soon!" The cheery voice of Youngjae’s voicemail made Jaebum curse in a mix of anger and worry. He needed an answer to know he was ok, that he was still breathing.
"Dammit, pick up, pick up!" He muttered to himself, the longer the phone went unanswered, the more afraid he got. Jaebum dialled again, eyes frantic as he navigated the streets by foot, there wasn't enough time to start up the car. He needed to find him and as soon as possible. He knew what he was capable of, he doesn't want that to happen.
His eyes couldn't help but drift over to his phone screen, lit up with 12 missed call notifications, 3 voicemails and the odd Instagram notification. He smiled sadly and snapped his gaze back to his wrists, stained red and stinging. He'd held a damp cloth to them before to attempt to clean the mess a little, however, it didn’t do much to help his case. With a shaky breath, he stood up from the bed, thanking himself for having a black bed spread, and tentatively stepping closer to the desk. The phone calls had stopped coming through, which surprised him a little. This was Im Jaebum, Youngjae was expecting him to be calling until he was literally right next to him. A soft smile drifted across his lips, however it was only brief. He appreciated the thought that Jaebum cared, however that wasn't the case when said male walked out a week ago.
He had left due to an out of hand argument the two of them had, regarding their career. Youngjae stiffened as he heard something collide with the front door. It was silent once again, but the sudden sound of key-in-lock made it clear that the man in question had arrived.
Jaebum opened the door as soon as he could turn the key. He didn't even bother to take the keys back out, instead he ran straight into the house. "Hey, I know you're here! Youngjae, where are you?" He calls out, gently but firm at the same time. Youngjae flinched upon hearing his full name instead of the nickname Jaebum had given him. He had managed to wedge himself in between his wardrobe and the wall before Jaebum walked into what was once their room. The sound of staggered, hard breathing had entered the room and Youngjae dared to peek out the corner of his little hiding place. Unfortunately for him, Jaebum saw him.
The two of them made eye contact, Youngjae cowered away further into the small corner, but failed as Jaebum walked over and grabbed his wrist, causing him yelp in pain. Jaebum, alarmed, pulled away and grabbed a hold of his shoulder instead, gently shoving the smaller boy out of the crevice and into the soft light of the bedside lamp.
Beom's gaze immediately drifted to Youngjae’s wrists, the fresh cuts in his skin were painfully obvious, and Jaebum lost it. His eyes had gone wide when he first saw it, but were now flooded with tears. He had known about Youngjae’s past habits. He was so proud of him when he learnt that he'd improved so much compared to before they started dating a year ago. His foolish argument had pushed the boy he loved into a relapse. "Y-you...you stopped...hurting y-yourself...you promised?" His voice was quiet and shaky, he had fallen to his knees when the realisation sank in, he looked up at Youngjae, eyes glazed over and tears falling freely down his cheeks.
The guilt he was feeling right now was unbearable.
He broke Youngjae.
The younger boy hadn't harmed in so long, only to have to start back at square one. Jaebum let out a sob and brought himself to his feet, he looked utterly broken, his left hand stained with small spots of Youngjae’s blood. Jaebum reluctantly let out another sob before approaching Youngjae’s already shaking body and embracing him tightly. "Y-you promised you'd stopped, you promised me-" he kept mumbling into his ear, voice cracking and tears continuing to fall.
"And you promised you wouldn't leave, Jaebum. I guess that makes us both liars, hmm?" His voice was chilled, they were both surprised at how steady he managed to keep his voice. He let out a long, shaky sigh before letting sobs wrack his body, Jaebum held him tight enough to feel each and every tremor. He pulled back and kissed his forehead before looking into his eyes.
"D-Did I really cause you t-to do this, Jae?" he murmured his words but they sounded as loud as if he had shouted them instead. Youngjae flinched. He felt his knees give out, Jaebum caught him before he fell. He tried to keep his face hidden behind his hair. He stayed silent, apart from the sobs of pain escaping his mouth. Realising he had to reply sooner rather than later, he nodded. Barely noticeable, but the stillness in the room made it easy for Jaebum to catch the gesture. He felt his heart slip deeper down in his chest, another piece shattering off. He had a broken boy in front of him, and his selfishness had broken him even more, right when he was on the shaky path to repair.
It was his fault.
Another sob wracked his body, hiding his face in his hands before removing them yet again. He sat down next to him on the bed, slowly dragging Youngjae closer into him before he complied and sat in his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and arms loose around his torso. The two sobbed along with each other, he couldn't help but feel the guilt and regret of what he did, Youngjae was glad to have Jaebum there, despite denying it less than five minutes ago. The two stayed like that for a while before both of them calmed down, and instead of sobs there were only sniffles and small coughs.
"Please stay with me tonight Jaebum...Please..." Youngjae murmured against his shoulder, the black fabric of his shirt was soaked with his tears. All Jaebum did was clear his throat softly and nod.
"Of course, my prince. I'll do anything for you, and you know that."
Welcome to the 1st 2JAE Network Introduction Event!
This event is for the lovely members of this net to have the opportunity to get to know each other and for our followers to get to know the members through their content (& their self introduction)!
special thanks to @saltee-alice (our lovely Chas) for coming up with the idea of this event and also thankful to the members that pitched in ideas to make this event happen! 💕
Reminder that this is also the first event of 2JAE Network! (cheers!)
This event is ONLY for the members of this net! Apply now!
(to know if you got accepted, i either added you in the group chat or messaged you about this event. Go to the faq page to see why you didn’t get accepted)
+ Fill out this form (for me to know if you're participating)
+ The rules? Respect the members. Respect Youngjae & Jaebum and Just. Have. Fun. It's your own content, your own introduction. So own it! (get it?)
+ Although, here are some guidelines for the content you are creating.
How will this event work?
↳ Members will post their content with the tag : #2JAENetIntroEvent and fellow members AND our followers will get to know the member through their creation! (the members will also add a short /can be long/ description of themselves at the end of their content) [again, all content must be 2JAE]
Not a content maker, can I still join?
↳ No worries, yes you can! message me or also ask the other members of the net and we will try our best to help you on what you can do for the event!
When will the event start?
↳ It will officially start on Jan 11th (the application is for me to know who is participating or not!)
How long will the event last?
↳ It will last for 2 weeks, although, most of the members are busy and we do not want them to rush their creations so it can last up to the end of January!
Please be mindful that the members are human. Don’t be disrespectful and appreciate their works :D I am hoping for most members to participate but it is optional so don’t feel bad for not being able to join!
Any questions please leave an ask, or message the admin.
Thank you! Have a nice life! <3
