#2jae angst

[envy1996]

Wonderful World of Kpop - 2JAE – Missed Call (A/S)

AU:  Jackson has been working on his solo album in China. Youngjae misses Jackson. Jaebum gets really jealous and ends up angry at his boyfriend while the younger waits for a call.

[wangsbirdie]

Where we should be

Pairing: 2jae (Jaebum x Youngjae)

Word count: 5129

Tags: one-shot, angst, fluff, smut, rated M

Jaebum realizes how painful sleeping next to Youngjae is, Youngjae doesn’t.

“Hyung?”

“…yes Youngjae?”

Youngjae’s fingertips are tingling, he wants to tug on Jaebum’s shirt, but it’s not there, the older boy is only wearing his underwear, and it feels like he shouldn’t hold onto his bare skin. Youngjae really doesn’t know where all his boldness comes from.

“Can you hug me please?”

Jaebum is breathing slowly, alcohol clogging his tired brain.

“I know it’s been a while since we debuted but sometimes I still feel like I’m behind, like I’m the last, useless wheel”, Youngjae says, sniffing. His head is resting on Jaebum’s pillow and the leader doesn’t know when the boy turned around, but he can feel his breath gently fanning on his own neck.

A drunk Youngjae is extremely dangerous, that’s what Jaebum thinks. But he’s not sober enough to have a proper, clear thought or he would have to question himself: ‘Why Jaebum, why dangerous? He’s your sweet little talented brother…’.

Yet when Youngjae shifts around a bit he feels it with his whole body, and he wonders why for a fraction of a second.

“Feels like I’m not good enough because I came here later”.

Youngjae is spurting nonsense, that’s what he’s doing, because he’s way more than useful and he should know that by now. So Jaebum tells him. Or he tells him something similar.

“You’re perfect and we would be nothing without your voice and your face and your talent” he slurs, not completely sure of what he’s saying. “I would be nothing without you”.

Youngjae stiffens but Jaebum doesn’t notice. He’s in that place half here, half already asleep, and in the middle there’s the alcohol speaking.

“You’re valuable Jae, I just wish you’d see it”.

That’s when Jaebum feels two hands on his t-shirt, pulling at it, and Youngjae is silently crying but even in the dark Jaebum can see he’s smiling too.

“Thanks hyung”.

Youngjae gently kisses the side of Jaebum’s mouth, warm humid lips on his chapped ones, and he smells of soju and spicy food and for an incredibly long second the world stops. There are only lips and those two hands tugging at his shirt and a huge epiphany.

Before Jaebum can even comprehend what happened, Youngjae has let his head fall on the pillow again and has let the alcohol take him over. He’ll sleep in no time, quite drunk and completely unaware of the huge change he just brought to his older friend’s life.

Jaebum didn’t move an inch but he’s sweating profusely, and his eyes are wide open. Youngjae is still too close, it’s too much, he can’t take this. The kid kissed him.

Maybe he’s not even aware of what he did, maybe he acted like a drunk little brother, a bit too affectionate for his own good.

But Youngjae kissed him, on his lips.

Jaebum wants to scream. Instead, he settles for waiting till Youngjae is sound asleep, and turns around so he at least doesn’t have to keep his gorgeous face close. He won’t sleep anyway.

The morning after Youngjae leaves for his hometown very early, Jaebum has a hard time waking him up. The kid doesn’t look like he remembers what happened, what he did, and that doesn’t surprise Jaebum: he looked pretty out of it the night before. That doesn’t mean everything is ok, though.

It’s the first day of vacation, their planned pause from any schedule for ten days, but Jaebum won’t leave yet, so he’s alone with their manager in the dorm. He decides he will spend the next few days on his knees, begging for that one thing that could save him right now, that one thing that could let him keep his mental sanity and avoid a situation that could be a threat for the group as a whole.

When Youngjae comes back to the dorm he is happy and relaxed, and everything crumbles down as soon as he enters the room he’s sharing with his leader. On the side where their shared mattress used to be now there’s a bunk bed, it’s new and it already has new sheets on and their pillows and their stuff. But the point is, it’s not a mattress, it’s not on the floor, it doesn’t have only one blanket and Youngjae doesn’t understand why his heart feels heavy and why his tummy feels upset. Jaebum enters right behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Youngjae doesn’t feel how much the hand is shaking or that it’s slightly sweaty.

“Are you happy Jae??” Jaebum asks. “We’ll be comfortable from now on” he adds with a smile.

Youngjae doesn’t answer because how is he supposed to tell Jaebum that the most comfortable he’s ever felt is in his arms? He can’t even make sense of what he’s thinking, he feels like he shouldn’t be so upset that they now have real beds.

Jaebum on the other hand is almost nauseous, he feels like he’s tricking his little brother, he feels like he’s finding an easy way out…but out of what? Maybe Youngjae doesn’t even remember the kiss…hell, even Jaebum should just consider it something born from alcohol and forget it.

Jaebum stays nervous the whole day, Youngjae plays around on his new bed trying to hide from anyone, and the other boys are just worried and confused.

It’s not like Youngjae doesn’t try to go sleep with his leader anymore. There are nights when he feels too lonely in his single bed, so lonely that not even double blankets can keep him warm. While Jaebum’s body works just fine.

But while Youngjae is oblivious about the reason why he needs physical affection from his friend, to Jaebum sleeping with the younger boy is a torture made of a soft body, sleepy groans and warm breath on his neck every time Youngjae turns around in his sleep. Jaebum cannot hold him as he used to do anymore, it feels weird, it feels as if he’s doing something he should not. So he fights with himself every time Youngjae feels alone or cold, and keeps his hands for himself. Which is something that only works for him, because a sleeping Youngjae can be clingy. And boy, do Jaebum likes clingy…

The weather starts getting hotter as the weeks pass by, and Youngjae starts suffering in that small place without air conditioning. He often sleeps in their manager’s room and on the couch in the living room, inside the maknaes’ room, but keeps coming back for his hyung when he’s lonely and too tired to fight with himself or to ask himself why does he feel the need to keep him close, of being held even when it’s so hot that both of them are sweating.

“Hyung?”

“…yes Youngjae?”

The window in the room is closed or bugs would come in, yet they can still hear the voices of people partying on a balcony, in an apartment a few floors down. In a weird way, the music and the laughs make the two boys feel even lonelier. They’re lying together in Jaebum’s bed despite the hot weather and it’s all due to how weak the older is for Youngjae needy pleads.

Youngjae’s fingertips are tingling, he wants to tug on Jaebum’s shirt, but it’s not there, the older boy is only wearing his underwear, and it feels like he shouldn’t hold onto his bare skin. Youngjae really doesn’t know where all his boldness comes from.

“Can you hug me please?” he asks, breath fanning on Jaebum’s collarbones, hands clutched on his t-shirt so there’s no risk of touching his hyung’s naked chest.

Jaebum holds his breath and opens his eyes in the dark of the room. The faint light coming from outside lets him see Youngjae, hands on his own chest, eyes closed, biting his lower lip nervously. Jaebum sighs and hugs the boy, enveloping him in his strong arms, forcing him to get so close that his face hits his naked chest. That’s what makes Jaebum go crazy: even though they’re the same height, when they lay beside each other Youngjae always goes a little lower and his head ends up in the hollow of Jaebum’s neck.

Youngjae gasps but doesn’t move, and lets Jaebum close his arms around his back; he slowly put his nose on Jaebum’s skin and the tingle is there again. And they both don’t care about the sweat and the air that is becoming too hot between them. Youngjae only cares about the skin he can feel on himself and under the hands he’s now shyly laying on his hyung’s chest. Jaebum only cares about his racing heartbeat and how sure he is Youngjae can feel it, even hear it probably. What if he notices? What if he gets scared? What if he brings it up and everything changes? Jaebum almost wishes for that, until the younger boy between his arms sighs in his sleep and shifts a bit, a knee touching his thigh, the tip of a nail on his chest…

No, he can’t. He’s not strong enough to resist this.

Jaebum breaks the hug and stands up, waking up the boy lying on his bed, grabbing the first pair of shorts he can recognize in the dark, and leaves the room mumbling about how it’s too hot to sleep.

Youngjae spends the next month asking himself if he did something wrong.

The other boys notice something, in Youngjae’s sulky face and in his silences. But it’s Mark who knows more. Mark who’s there when Youngjae lets slip that he thinks his hyung doesn’t love him anymore. Mark who wants to adopt a dog with him, Mark who suggests moving in the same room now that his and Jackson’s one is basically abandoned because of a bug invasion.

Jaebum sees everything, because even if he can force himself to keep his hands away from the boy, he cannot keep his eyes away from him. He sees, and he hopes that being Mark the oldest he will help Youngjae grow a bit further from the love for his leader. Of course his insides scream jealousy, pain, fear, rage but he shuts them up for the sake of his mental sanity.

They haven’t been sleeping together for a while now. Fans are already used to the new rooms arrangement and often joke about it. Jackson is a difficult roommate but Jaebum doesn’t mind being swarmed with questions and endless chats, at least he can keep his mind occupied on something that is not that feeling of longing that doesn’t seem to ever go away.

Youngjae likes the new arrangement, but Mark is no substitute to Jaebum. Mark is trying, though, you could say that. He’s trying to take Youngjae under his wing, he decided to help him getting better at English and he is good at listening when the younger boy needs to talk. He sees the jealousy in his leader’s eyes every time they joke around a bit more, and one night he also witnesses Youngjae coming back from Jaebum’s room after trying to go sleep there. Youngjae knows Mark is awake, but he doesn’t ask him if they can sleep together and cuddle. Mark almost wants to go slap some sanity in Jaebum but he has a feeling that boy is scared by intimacy with Youngjae and, he might know why, he thinks while the younger boy sniffs in his bed, trying to muffle the sounds his few tears are making.

On the outside, they look like nothing is going on and nothing ever changed between them. Which is something that makes Youngjae go crazy, because he knows there’s something wrong. Jaebum always tries to get close to him when they’re in public, even during broadcasts, takes his hand when they win with their new song, doesn’t shy away when it’s Youngjae initiating the physical contact. But at night, even though Jackson often sleeps outside because of personal schedules, Jaebum never lets the boy sleep with him. There are always new stupid excuses.

“It’s too hot Jae-ah!”

(Right, it wasn’t too hot the year before, taking off clothes was enough)

“I’m too tired, you would keep me up”

(Didn’t he tell him he slept better hugging him?)

“If you sleep here Coco will wake us up tomorrow morning because she misses you”

Youngjae stops trying the night he realizes Jaebum is pretending to be asleep. He’s clearly still awake, he can hear his breath and him turning around quickly when Youngjae gets into the room.

“Ok then”, he whispers leaving the room. And both of them have no idea of how broken the other’s heart is in that moment.

From then on Youngjae cannot keep acting like nothing is wrong, not even in public. He doesn’t try to get close to his leader as much as he used to, he ignores him, politely, but still. And when they’re home, he doesn’t even talk to him, smiles to everyone but Jaebum, and he’s aware that he’s being obvious and everyone else will catch on sooner or later, but he doesn’t care. Maybe he wants them to catch on. Maybe he needs the whole world to see what’s happening, that his hyung doesn’t love him anymore, that he used to look at him as if he was the whole world and now…..oh.

When Youngjae fully realizes where his thoughts are going and why he misses his hyung’s attention and hugs so much, he needs to sit down because his legs could give up. He stares at the mirror in the bathroom, droplets falling down everywhere, he breathes in really deep and keep it in until it burns and then everything is clear as the day and he stands up and runs into the living room completely naked and Yugyeom sputters his juice on Bambam’s plate.

Now it’s not a matter of ignoring Jaebum as a cry for attention, he has to do it because the mere presence of him in the same room makes his heart flutters in his stomach (or was it butterflies) and the huge risk is to blush and stutter if he has to talk to him. The result is a mess, because now he’s even more aware of everything Jaebum says or does, of every laugh and every smile, of the questioning and pained looks the older boy sends him very often, and everybody would recognize the pure fear in his eyes when he stumbles upon his leader getting out of the bathroom once, only a towel around his hips.

Youngjae coughs and runs for his life.

Jaebum thinks he has completely lost the boy.

He’s not about to go down without a fight though, which is why he’s now waiting for the perfect moment to corner the kid and ask him why the hell he’s ignoring him. Because he is, there’s no doubt about it and Jaebum cannot stand this anymore. He ignored his feelings for the sake of the group (and because he’s a coward, alright), but now it looks like the peace inside their little family is being shattered down by their situation, and a good leader cannot let that happen.

Everything is easier in theory, of course, and Jaebum realizes for the first time that being able to be alone with one of the members on purpose is not an easy task, even less when said member is avoiding you at all costs. There’s either Mark around, checking him with a wary look, or there’s Jinyoung with an arm around Youngjae’s shoulders, or Jackson is pulling him inside their shared room because he needs to sleep hugging someone that night (Jaebum fights him off until the younger boy goes to Jinyoung whining).

Their packed schedule and his inability of speaking privately with Youngjae almost make him go crazy one morning behind the scenes of a show, when they’re getting ready to go on stage and record their live performance. Jaebum lashes out on the members without a valid reason, then sighs loudly and apologizes to them, especially Yugyeom, who just offers him a weak smile, patient and understanding as always. The others don’t say anything, but Youngjae feels guilty as he looks away and hums his lines under his breath.

They come back to their dorm earlier, that day, and Jaebum calls dibs on the shower first, ignoring a very sweaty and very annoyed Jackson. He needs to wash away his stress and frustration with steaming hot water, and hopefully he will be able to ditch dinner and go sleep on his problems.

Jackson doesn’t insist a lot when he finds out Jaebum is not going out with them all. He just sighs softly.

“Eat something from the fridge then, we won’t be home for a while”.

Jaebum hums and goes back to his phone. He has towel dried his hair and he decided lying on his bed would be the best option for the night, to sort his thoughts out and not be forced into talking to any of the other members.

After around half an hour since Jackson left the room, he starts feeling hungry enough to stand up and leave the comfort and isolation of his bed to reach the kitchen to look for leftovers. He leaves his room barefoot, and enters the small kitchen scratching his stomach next to his bellybutton under the old grey tank top, sweater pants hanging low on his hipbones. Not exactly the best attire you want to be in when destiny decides you have to stumble upon your crush in the only moment you were not trying to corner them.

Not that his crush is in much better conditions. Youngjae is standing with his back facing the kitchen counter, his hair still slightly damp and a few locks sticking to his forehead, the look of a deer caught in daylights, and an oversized white t-shirt hanging weirdly on his shoulders. Nothing else. Oh, yeah, he was also holding a box of cereals that he dropped on the floor as soon as Jaebum stepped inside. Jaebum widens his eyes in shock and stops on his tracks.

“You’re here? I thought you all went out to eat”, he asks, desperately trying to keep his eyes away from those gorgeous thighs the boy is showing.

Youngjae gulps and cannot stop the deep blush that is covering his face. He didn’t know Jaebum was still there or he would have locked himself in his room, and most of all he would have put on something instead of coming out wearing almost nothing after the shower. The boy looks away and crouches to grab the box that fell, puts it on the counter and without saying a word he tries to walk past Jaebum to hide inside his room. He doesn’t like this, he doesn’t want to be alone at home with him, anything but-

“Wait Jae”.

Jaebum stopped him holding his arms, he couldn’t have avoided him. He’s so close now that Youngjae swears he’ll go completely crazy in no time if the older boy doesn’t let him go.

“Why are you ignoring me?”. The question doesn’t come as a big surprise for him, he knew he would have noticed and he knew he would have asked. It doesn’t mean he won’t try to dodge it anyway.

“I’m not ignoring you, hyung”, he answers, trying to pull his arms away from Jaebum’s hold. Their leader might have relatively small hands but they’re strong, Youngjae curses mentally as he fails another attempt at freeing himself. This is becoming ridiculous.

“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s happening”, Jaebum insists, slowly pushing Youngjae against the fridge’s door, blocking him so he won’t be able to run away this time. Jaebum is being optimistic this time, there is no one around to save the younger boy, no one to hide him, no one to distract him, no one that needs attention. He wants to get this right once and for all.

Youngjae gulps and shakes his head. “It’s nothing, I’m ok, I’m not ignoring you”. But the blush and the nervousness in his voice betray him.

Jaebum pushes more. He doesn’t want to scare him but if this is the only way to make him talk, he’ll do it, he’ll ignore how gorgeous Youngjae looks, how much he missed having him this close and make him talk for the sake of their group.

“Jae, answer me, I’m tired of this atmosphere, ok? I’m so tired! Tell me what did I do to you, tell me what is wrong!”, he almost screams. For a second he sees a light in Youngjae’s eyes and he fears he might have scared the kid, but then…

“You don’t love me anymore!”

There, Youngjae shouted, he cannot go back now. He hopes his eyes tell Jaebum how pissed he is and not just how hurt and sad and scared. Jaebum looks shocked; he loosens the hold on his arms and bit and Youngjae could run to his room, but now that he said it he wants answers.

“Why won’t you sleep with me anymore?”, he asks, voice small and eyes avoiding Jaebum.

Jaebum looks even more surprised if possible, eyes wide, a pink colour to his cheeks and nose and ears, and he lets his forehead rest on Youngjae’s shoulders, his hands now just gently caressing his younger friend’s ones instead of holding him in place. Youngjae holds his breath, the closeness with the boy he has feelings for too much for him. He can see his nape and his beautiful shoulders right under his eyes, he can hear perfectly the small sigh his leader makes before moving his face closer.

Jaebum inhales deeply and closes his eyes, his face in the curve of Youngjae’s neck but without touching his skin. “I cannot sleep with you because of this”, he whispers, his voice low and rough because of nervousness, his thumbs now resting on Youngjae’s soft skin, caressing it absentmindedly.

Youngjae stiffens. Jaebum’s body is really close, they have never been this close outside the privacy of their shared bed and even then, well, it was a different context. They’re standing inside their kitchen right now, where everybody could see them. Jaebum breathes deeply again and softly nudges Youngjae’s neck with his nose, pressing it there. His lips move so close to him than the boy has to suppress a whine.

“And because of this”, Jaebum continues, gently getting close with his body, his own heart speeding so much he fears it might explode. He feels how nervous Youngjae is under his hands but the boy is not pushing him away. “And this”, he adds as he boldly kisses Youngjae right where his shoulder becomes neck.

Youngjae wants to scream, to ask him a thousand questions, but he’s scared, he fears it might ruin the moment, he fears his leader’s lips will never be on him again. So he just does his best to breathe and doesn’t move an inch.

“Sleeping with you gives me thoughts I shouldn’t have”, continues Jaebum whispering, his breath on the other boy’s skin. They both don’t move for a while, nothing seems to be moving, not the clock on the wall, not the cars down in the street, not the kitchen appliances. Youngjae breaks the silence because he feels he might explode if no one talks or moves.

It’s just a murmured “Hyung…”, a tiny, tiny plea, but it has Jaebum breathing deeply and pressing his lips on the younger’s neck again, this time with more resolve, less inhibition.

He nibbles and gently bites at the skin, his fingers creating small crescent moons on Youngjae’s arms where he’s holding him, and when he licks the side of his neck with a wet, warm and curious tongue Youngjae cannot stop the very sexual moan that escapes his lips.

Jaebum freezes and immediately pushes himself away from the younger boy, as if only then realizing what he was actually doing. The sight in front of him is better than any fantasy he has indulged in till then: Youngjae is leaning back on the fridge, cheeks and ears flushed, his lower lip swollen where he has been biting it, and a slight pink tint on his skin where Jaebum’s lips have worked. The only thing he’s wearing is that large t-shirt that now is hanging even more weirdly, showing off his beautiful collarbones. Jaebum can vaguely see the black hem of Youngjae’s underwear, and after that it’s all soft thighs, knees, round calves and he wants to bite and kiss every inch of it.

“I thought you hated me”.

Youngjae’s soft, surprised voice brings him backs to reality. He chuckles and smiles sadly.

“How could I hate you”, he answers, and he looks like he cannot believe what Youngjae has just implied. “I love you so much”.

Youngjae is on him in the blink of an eye, hands pulling at his tank top and lips hungrily crashing onto his own, his kiss trying to convey all his desperation and frustration and love and Jaebum is overwhelmed and for a few seconds he just lets the other eat him, his hands resting on the small back of the younger. Their kissing is heated and rushed and probably sloppy, but they couldn’t care less. Youngjae keeps Jaebum in place to brush his lips gently over the other boy’s cheek.

“Do you really love me Jaebum-hyung?”, he asks, hope so visible in his eyes that Jaebum wants to cry, very aware of what kind of suffering he put the younger into. He reaches out and grabs Youngjae’s hand, squeezing it.

“I’ll show you how much”, he answers, and pulls him in the room that was once theirs.

The door gets locked behind them and both are so focused on the other that it doesn’t matter anymore who closed it, who took off Youngjae’s t-shirt, who is now sucking on whose neck, who just pulled the other on the bottom bed. They just fall on it, fingers interlocked, lips on lips, lips on skin, heavy breaths and muffled moans. Jaebum explores every inch of Youngjae’s almost naked body with both his hands and his mouth, almost surprised at how Youngjae seems way less shy that he thought he would be. He’s needy though, that is so obvious, and it makes Jaebum’s pride swell as he promises himself he’ll do anything to satisfy the boy.

“Ah, hyung- fuck!”

A particularly loud moan becomes a curse when Jaebum’s teeth lock around Youngjae’s nipple and gently pull, sucking on it immediately after to soothe the pain. Jaebum chuckles and kiss his way down the boy’s chest, Youngjae’s hand holding onto his hair for dear life: the boy’s breath quickens even more when Jaebum pulls down his boxers, gently licking on his tummy while smiling up at him.

Youngjae giggles, only to stop and curse again as he feels Jaebum’s lips on his already hard cock. Youngjae is as loud as Jaebum had imagined, and of course he loves it, but he has to suppress a laugh and the need to shut him up when the boy almost screams because Jaebum has swallowed on his member.

It’s an adrenaline rush, though, both being with Youngjae and being able to make him lose it so quickly. Youngjae is already a mess, and Jaebum stops sucking him when he fears the boy will come too soon. He climbs up again and reaches for his drawer while kissing him, and Youngjae almost jumps when he feels the cold of the lube coating his sensitive cock. Youngjae’s never done this.

Their bodies move so perfectly one on the other, every inch of skin touching is pure pleasure, their hands roam around, Youngjae’s hands pulling on Jaebum’s hair and hips, Jaebum’s ones cupping the other boy’s face and holding both their dicks together. This close, sight is not important anymore. There are sounds, of slick lube, of skin on skin, of clean sheets and the mattress moving under their weight, of moans and whines and soft curses, and there’s the sound of Jaebum repeating ‘I love you’ everywhere on Youngjae’s body. It’s messy and rushed and there are probably a thousand ways to do it better, but it’s them and nothing else matters. Not the fact that the others could come back any moment and find a locked room and two members missing, not the fact that what they’re doing will complicate the group dynamics for sure.

It’s not just that Youngjae is so hard to resist, thinks Jaebum while sucking a particularly big hickey on the boy’s collarbone, or that living together made their feelings grow much more than they would have in another context. It’s also that now he found a way to place his feelings for the younger, and he wants to show him how he feels every day from now on.

Youngjae comes with a loud moan that Jaebum shushes by kissing him, his hand gently jerking him off until the younger boy stops panting because of his orgasm and starts whining because he’s becoming too sensitive. He grabs his hyung’s dick with both his hands and stares at Jaebum with a sluggish, pleasured look that has the older one grind down feverishly until he comes too, making a mess on Youngjae’s stomach and chest. He slumps down on him breathing hard, still riding his high, and when he opens his eyes again Youngjae is licking off cum from his own hand with a smug and satisfied look: Jaebum snorts on his neck and both take a few minutes to breathe and realize what just happened.

Jaebum groans but manages to stand up even though he would just want to fall asleep while hugging Youngjae, the cum sticking their chests together almost drying up, earning a loud “EW!” and a lot of giggles from Youngjae. He cleans both of them with his tank top and a few wet wipes, unlocks the door and slides back inside his bed.

“Hyung…clothes”, whines Youngjae, almost falling asleep.

Jaebum groans and holds the boy tighter, and Youngjae finds his childish behavior so endearing that he lets him do it and just smiles as he feels him putting his chin on his shoulder. If they were just a little less tired and a little less satisfied maybe they would worry about the big chance of Jackson finding them hugging naked the next morning, but right now they are just quickly sliding into deep sleep.

“Jaebum-hyung…?”

Jaebum kisses Youngjae’s neck gently and shifts a bit, resting his knees behind the boy’s plump and soft legs. “Yeah baby?”

Youngjae blushes in the dark and smiles, a step away from falling asleep.

“I love you too”, he whispers. And Jaebum hums on his neck and holds him even tighter and he feels as if it’s just after they debuted again, and everything is exactly where it should be.

[thatchoiboy]

for the introduction event of 2JAE Network 

📝 summary : Jaebum comes home to a silent house and the water running from the bathroom. 📝 pairing : youngjae, jaebum  📝 genre : angst / TW : depression, suicide, character death 📝 word count : 1k 📝 notes : yesterday was one of those days.. :) i hope you guys like this! sorry for errors its unedited.

Jaebum didn’t know what lay ahead. He had come to work early, kissing the top of Youngjae’s forehead before heading towards his car. It was infuriating, he wanted to stay beside Youngjae instead, watch the younger's steady breaths, and kiss every part of him.

Regret.

With a heavy heart he rushed to return home as soon as he got a text message from his lover, reading it an hour late, immediately calling 911.

”I’m sorry, Jaebum.” It read.

He slammed open the door, taking long strides towards the source of the sound of running water. The bathroom.

Raising his fists, sturdy knuckles colliding with the rough surface of the door. “Youngjae! Open up the door!” He cried, he knocks a little harder, causing his knuckles to form a bruise. He fumbled with the doorknob, finding out it was locked. Damn it.

Jaebum backed away from the only thing that is keeping his distance from Youngjae. He counted, and barged through the door, successfully breaking the door down. He was bleeding, he could feel the pain. His shoulders. Oh. But that doesn't matter, only Youngjae matters.

The sight left him numbed. The pain from his shoulder? Gone.

Youngjae? Gone.

He fell to his knees, scurrying towards the unmoving body underneath the tub full of water, ignoring the scattered sleeping pills that he crushes every step he took. He shakily grab a hold of the freezing body. How long did he stay in there? He must've felt cold.

Jaebum brushed his lover's hair away from his face, letting out a small smile, eyes welling up of tears that slowly slips down onto Youngjae's pale face each time he looks at him, he holds his hand, grasping the fingers, staring at the ring on his finger.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  He repetitively mumbled against the other's hair as he cradled the body closer to his.

He couldn't feel anything, see anything, his eyes blurry from the tears that constantly cover his vision. His whole body was shuddering, continuing to hold Youngjae close. Unable to hear the paramedics as they rush to transfer Youngjae's body to the stretcher. Jaebum stayed still, Youngjae is dead. Youngjae is dead.

Youngjae is...

He lets out a scream. Grabbing and tugging at his brown locks. He stopped and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, his hair disheveled, eyes red, his left shoulder still bleeding non stop. A hand on his shoulder pulled him away from his thoughts, he thrashes from their hold, until he felt a sharp pain from his neck. A sedative.

"We need to treat your wound or it'll get worse." He heard someone say, before falling into deep slumber.

What's the point? Without Youngjae, what's the point? I'm better off dead.

Voices. indistinct voices awoken him. Eyes adjusting to the white room, he moved his head towards his left side, the injured shoulder bandaged up securely, he wanted nothing but to rip it apart, to let the blood flow out until he runs out, but he was too tired, too hazy to lift a finger. His eyes drifted to the people seated on the couch. A woman rushes up to him. His mother, and another one, Youngjae's mother.

Youngjae.

He teared up, sobbing silently, sitting up from his bed and grabbing hold Mrs. Choi's hand, he repeatedly apologized, voice cracking at each word he spoke. “I-I c-couldn’t protect h-him.” He croaked out. He felt a soft hand caressing his hair, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. “It wasn’t your fault.” It was. “Don’t replace grief with guilt.” I will.

It was my fault. My. Fault.

His blurry eyes watched his mother hand him an envelope. To Jaebum. It read. “T-the police found this inside your bedroom, seems like Y-Youngjae really planned this out.” He shakily takes it, clutching it tight yet gently to avoid creasing it.

“We’ll leave you alone for a while. Don’t do anything, please. We’re very sorry for your loss.” His father says, his voice surprisingly unsteady, calling on everyone to get out of the room. The soft click of the door rang inside his head.

He opened the letter, staring at the messy handwriting of his husband. He laughed softly, before his lips tremble as he reads the letter : Dear my Jaebum,             If you are reading this right now. Then I am truly sorry. I have passed away. It slowly ate me, Jaebum. Everyday. I didn’t tell you.. but it hurt. I was suffocating inside, it was hard to breathe. I felt like I was just forcing myself to breathe, because I love being with you. I didn’t want to do this, trust me. But I got sick of those anti-depressant pills! I stopped taking them a few months ago. I wanted to know how it would feel without taking it everyday. I wanted to be truly happy without them. Taking them everyday left me nauseous. It was like I  faked being happy, I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy whenever we’re together, I was!  I love you, so so much that I fought it this long. The pain I felt got worse everyday that I spent most nights crying silently. I felt lonely, isolated, like I didn’t belong. The voices in my head didn’t help either. I lost the fight Jaebum, but that doesn’t mean you can follow me, I encourage you to live like how I wanted to live. Jaebum wiped his tears, “H-how can I live without you, i-idiot.” He snorted. He took notice of the smudges of ink on some words. Youngjae must’ve been crying while writing this. I know things will be difficult, I don’t expect you to get over it soon. But please live. For me. I really wanted to stay, but it got too much and I was sick of it. Maybe I didn’t fight back enough, maybe I should’ve seek help… but I didn’t. My death is not your fault, it’s mine. Take care Jaebum, I love you to the moon and back, and I’m sorry again. Stop crying, you’ll look ugly.. gosh, i love you so much also, Happy Anniversary My Precious Bummie <3 - Your hubby, Youngjae Youngjae’s letter was wet due to Jaebum’s tears, he curled up on the hospital bed, sticking the letter towards his chest. “I’m sorry. don’t worry my love, I’ll see you soon. You won’t ever feel lonely again.”  

Hewwo! I am Jane! First of all, I like reading + writing angst.  I like making edits when i am free. I am a 2jae and yugjae enthusiast! (honestly hmu with any ship)  I ship myself with watermelon (ik im weird) #watermelonjane and I love youngjae :D I love a lot of kpop groups :) EXO & GOT7 are my ult groups :3 i love coffee and hot choco~ i love the people whom i talk to everyday! uhhhh idk what to say anymore... i’m weird and i cry a lot and laugh a lot. Thank you haha okay bye. cr. pictures on header do not belong to me (& forgot where i found them)

[visualgyeomie-blog]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Youngjae's not as naive and oblivious as Jaebum thinks. He knows. He's not stupid.

2jae angst.

[peachyugy]

{ promises. }

{ jaebum x depressed!youngjae } genre ; angst warning/s ; self harm / depression / blood word count ; 1,167 words 

If Youngjae hadn't of sent the text, he'd be fine, he'd have no clue about how he felt. Jaebum wouldn't have dropped everything and be making his way to his apartment at this very moment. 

part 1/2 of @2jaenetwork​‘s intro event. part 2/2 can be found at the end of the writing.

He paced, left and right, his eyes flicking between his wrists and his desk. His phone was vibrating across the wooden surface and his wrists were anything but clean. Tears had flooded his eyes yet again; his name flashed across the screen and he felt the urge to collapse. His knees were weak and he didn't want to answer the calls. He was going to keep calling until he arrived at her door, whether he liked it or not.

If Youngjae hadn't of sent the text, he'd be fine, he'd have no clue about how he felt. Jaebum wouldn't have dropped everything and be making his way to his apartment at this very moment.

"Hey, I can't come to the phone right now, leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you soon!" The cheery voice of Youngjae’s voicemail made Jaebum curse in a mix of anger and worry. He needed an answer to know he was ok, that he was still breathing. "Dammit, pick up, pick up!" He muttered to himself, the longer the phone went unanswered, the more afraid he got. Jaebum dialled again, eyes frantic as he navigated the streets by foot, there wasn't enough time to start up the car. He needed to find him and as soon as possible. He knew what he was capable of, he doesn't want that to happen.

His eyes couldn't help but drift over to his phone screen, lit up with 12 missed call notifications, 3 voicemails and the odd Instagram notification. He smiled sadly and snapped his gaze back to his wrists, stained red and stinging. He'd held a damp cloth to them before to attempt to clean the mess a little, however, it didn’t do much to help his case. With a shaky breath, he stood up from the bed, thanking himself for having a black bed spread, and tentatively stepping closer to the desk. The phone calls had stopped coming through, which surprised him a little. This was Im Jaebum, Youngjae was expecting him to be calling until he was literally right next to him. A soft smile drifted across his lips, however it was only brief. He appreciated the thought that Jaebum cared, however that wasn't the case when said male walked out a week ago.

He had left due to an out of hand argument the two of them had, regarding their career. Youngjae stiffened as he heard something collide with the front door. It was silent once again, but the sudden sound of key-in-lock made it clear that the man in question had arrived.

Jaebum opened the door as soon as he could turn the key. He didn't even bother to take the keys back out, instead he ran straight into the house. "Hey, I know you're here! Youngjae, where are you?" He calls out, gently but firm at the same time. Youngjae flinched upon hearing his full name instead of the nickname Jaebum had given him. He had managed to wedge himself in between his wardrobe and the wall before Jaebum walked into what was once their room. The sound of staggered, hard breathing had entered the room and Youngjae dared to peek out the corner of his little hiding place. Unfortunately for him, Jaebum saw him.

The two of them made eye contact, Youngjae cowered away further into the small corner, but failed as Jaebum walked over and grabbed his wrist, causing him yelp in pain. Jaebum, alarmed, pulled away and grabbed a hold of his shoulder instead, gently shoving the smaller boy out of the crevice and into the soft light of the bedside lamp.

Beom's gaze immediately drifted to Youngjae’s wrists, the fresh cuts in his skin were painfully obvious, and Jaebum lost it. His eyes had gone wide when he first saw it, but were now flooded with tears. He had known about Youngjae’s past habits. He was so proud of him when he learnt that he'd improved so much compared to before they started dating a year ago. His foolish argument had pushed the boy he loved into a relapse. "Y-you...you stopped...hurting y-yourself...you promised?" His voice was quiet and shaky, he had fallen to his knees when the realisation sank in, he looked up at Youngjae, eyes glazed over and tears falling freely down his cheeks.

The guilt he was feeling right now was unbearable.

He broke Youngjae.

The younger boy hadn't harmed in so long, only to have to start back at square one. Jaebum let out a sob and brought himself to his feet, he looked utterly broken, his left hand stained with small spots of Youngjae’s blood. Jaebum reluctantly let out another sob before approaching Youngjae’s already shaking body and embracing him tightly. "Y-you promised you'd stopped, you promised me-" he kept mumbling into his ear, voice cracking and tears continuing to fall.

"And you promised you wouldn't leave, Jaebum. I guess that makes us both liars, hmm?" His voice was chilled, they were both surprised at how steady he managed to keep his voice. He let out a long, shaky sigh before letting sobs wrack his body, Jaebum held him tight enough to feel each and every tremor. He pulled back and kissed his forehead before looking into his eyes.

"D-Did I really cause you t-to do this, Jae?" he murmured his words but they sounded as loud as if he had shouted them instead. Youngjae flinched. He felt his knees give out, Jaebum caught him before he fell. He tried to keep his face hidden behind his hair. He stayed silent, apart from the sobs of pain escaping his mouth. Realising he had to reply sooner rather than later, he nodded. Barely noticeable, but the stillness in the room made it easy for Jaebum to catch the gesture. He felt his heart slip deeper down in his chest, another piece shattering off. He had a broken boy in front of him, and his selfishness had broken him even more, right when he was on the shaky path to repair.

It was his fault.

Another sob wracked his body, hiding his face in his hands before removing them yet again. He sat down next to him on the bed, slowly dragging Youngjae closer into him before he complied and sat in his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and arms loose around his torso. The two sobbed along with each other, he couldn't help but feel the guilt and regret of what he did, Youngjae was glad to have Jaebum there, despite denying it less than five minutes ago. The two stayed like that for a while before both of them calmed down, and instead of sobs there were only sniffles and small coughs.

"Please stay with me tonight Jaebum...Please..." Youngjae murmured against his shoulder, the black fabric of his shirt was soaked with his tears. All Jaebum did was clear his throat softly and nod.

"Of course, my prince. I'll do anything for you, and you know that."

"Thank you, Jaebum."

part 2/2 can be found [ here ]

[thatchoiboy]

okay so im just going to post a fanfic i made..