Journal #1 - 3 June 2020
I have lost a part of myself by not writing. I come back humbly and hope to find my soul again in my words, thoughts, pain, and strength as I transcribe my rawest self to the vast emptiness of humanity and internet access.
Things at home are so overwhelming I find myself wanting to bash my head into a wall to alleviate the pressure. I have become so lost that I woke up isolate, in an abusive relationship, rapidly losing everything I had worked so hard to reclaim after a string of abusive relationships.
How do I lead myself into these pits?
I need to know.
I am writing, creating (bad) art, researching, reading, educating myself on this cycle, where it stems, and how it works while I sleep to undo the stitches of my life. I will stop this cycle or die fighting.
The world around me is plagued with injustice. My country, my community is rotten with injustice, brutality, abuse of power, and violence. Does the world worsen, or do our eyes simply see more/better as we age? My eyeglass prescription strengthens every year and so does my rage.
I am seeking avenues to outlet this in a productive manner. I will not let my oppressors turn me into them.
I poured my pain out to the only friend I know, who encouraged my doing so, with promises of support and friendship through the darkness. I never heard back from her. She posted on snapchat though.
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I started my new job last week after 3+ months of unemployment. I took my first call today. She was curt, rude, and hung up when I tried my best to complete my taks. It was awful. I worked to get my head above the river of frustration I shove myself into when I hear a whisper of failure, and tried again. He was so kind he took time to applaud me on how well I did my job. I confessed it was my first real call and his words of kindness had assuaged my nerves and that I took what he said to heart. He took the time to tell my trainer what he had told me. We were on a conference call with a training manager in another site. She had a call with our Director of Operations minutes after. She shared with the director what happened, and that’s how my whole day turned around.
I was able to get my car washed. I have bud after a torturous two days of headaches, minutes of sleep between sunrise and clockin, nausea, depression, and pain. I got to see my brother. I let my emotions get the best of me, a little less than yesterday. I worked hard to stop my anxious streams of thought and refocus on the moment, on my hard work, on my value.
I started today in tears, with E perpetuating abuse and manipulation, threatening to leave me homeless if I didn’t give him what he wanted. I stood my ground. I said no. I said no more. I said not me. I said that’s not love. I said I won’t accept this. I said today I choose me. I promised tomorrow I will choose me. I will carve it into the bones that carry me that I choose me.
Today was exhausting, difficult, overwhelming. Today was good.