I tried calling a hotline, I promise I’m safe I just needed to talk to someone. A lot of people say they’re here for me but I can’t trust that they will catch me. Oh my god though, I called the Trevor project and this bitch was blowing my mind. It was so bad and so dumb. the only reason I could stop crying was because of how awkward the silences were. could barely hear and couldn’t keep hearing “take it day by day”. I know I need to catch myself, but holy fuck it is so hard wanting to hear what I need to be told or want to hear and hearing it so rarely. I’m really grateful for my support team. I’m just a bit scared to fall asleep and wake up to worse news. I know this is the worst of it and I’ll get through it and this too shall pass and this isn’t the end.
I’m safe but I called a hotline so I could talk to someone. I really don’t know if I can trust my friends to catch me when they tell me they’re here for me. this hotline person didn’t help at all. I only stopped crying because the silences were so awkward lmao. I know my dad will be ok. I know you don’t know what’s going on with that right now and that’s ok, it’s a lot to carry and you don’t need to know it at 3:30. I think I’m just scared to go to sleep and wake up to worse news. I hope this is the worst of it and that it can only change for the better from here but I don’t know how I can know that. I know I have to be in present time, I just hate it. I really am scared about all responses I receive from everyone but my teacher. She told me all my tools are valid and I’m not helpless, the energy in my space may have me believe so though. and I know that I have support and am never alone. And I can go to the ascended masters or whoever I need for deeper help. Another asshole lady was an ascension haggardly skunk and shamed me for asking for help. Her own shame, of course, but strong enough to hit me where it hurts. I can’t meditate every second but I don’t want to let the fear consume me. I’m scared of being scared and I just want this to end and I want to talk to my dad and I can’t. And my family says we have to rely on each other but I don’t rely on them for regular life stuff as it is. and I think the weight of their grief is just as heavy as the weight of the world. I can’t find my oxygen mask to put it on first and I feel like I’m walking in a dark forest waiting to be saved but I was the only one told which way to go and I have to trust that over the fear. but it’s really deep within there. I said this year’s word was Aliya because it means to rise up [to the challenges of life]. I seriously get it now. I just want a break. I am so heartbroken and so tired of it all. I think sometimes it’s quite weird and impossible to be so sensitive but here I am doing the impossible but making it just as weird. I know this is long. I don’t know how to share this so I suppose this is a risk. I really don’t like getting this deep with people so fast so I’m uncomfortable but I guess thats where the growth is so here goes it
^10 mins 3:25-3:37am 3.22.20
I think I wish it were instead of him but maybe not. I feel I would have more control of it was
