Mar 30, 2023
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oh I’m fucking sick bro. I’m trying to stop lying when about when I’m in pain and trying to stop my pattern of being vulnerable and then shutting down before I can let anyone take care of me or respond. I think I’m pretending things are better? they are at some points like I’m working really hard on my sleep and and and. my dad isn’t here to help me through it? my dad isn’t here to see anything or do anything or help me breathe because I can’t breathe and I can breathe and it’s good I’m alive but it’s crazy because he stopped being able to breathe without a ventilator and I can’t breathe without my mom or Matt calming me down and I’m trying to be honest about my pain and not pretend it’s not here but I wish my dad was here instead of my pain and I can’t believe I am taking off work to see his stone with his best friend who I really need to call more so I can have a sense that my dad is still alive through stories but he’s not alive. And I’m so fucking tired of my teacher saying everything is victomhood because now I can’t ask for help without thinking I’m playing the victim. shut the fuck up. how could you make a joke that my dad ghosted me? where’s your sovereignty in that? God fuck. This fucking email. I feel insane. I’m trying to see the good in everything still but having this rage underneath makes me feel like a liar when I know rationally I can have conflicting emotions. Fuck dude. This email bro.
global health emergency is all done! went bye bye! and my dad didn’t survive? three years later and everything is getting all “normal” post covid but my dad’s in the fucking ground and the sky? if I am okay during the day, it all crashes down on me at night. I’m sick bro I’m fucking sick I fucking hate this I will never stop being enraged fuck this. He should be here what the fuck
I wish I was in Colorado with everyone who took care of me then and not in New York because these feelings… I feel like I did three years ago. I’m in a moldy basement apartment with a mealtrain and buttered noodles and peas and donations and so many dying orchids. everything in a box. my hair to my belly, long and brown. ptsd bro. everyone visiting in masks and panic attacks. fuck
Strongly considering my options. Feeling torn. Alone. Life is hard. My husband doesn't understand me and has unreasonable expectations. I'm at work today, teaching, pretending to be fine, but I am so far from fine.
3/29/23
3! = 29 - 23
Also:
3^2 = 9 * |2 - 3|
Also:
3 = 2 * 9 ÷ 2 ÷ 3