Monday, 28th of May 2018 (5:51)
I've come back, I thought I didn't need you anymore because I thought I got better. Seems I was wrong. I'm feeling like shit again. I hate it that when you start to think you got better, everything comes crumbling down again. Like. I was building this wall of happiness for two months, it was stable until this storm of negativity crushed it with a single blow.
I've been feeling emotionaly drained out. Or maybe more like drowning in emotions and not being able to breathe, chocking slowly. I'm back to listening to depressing music, not doing any sorts of self care, being harsh to myself mentally, not defending myself, scratching my skin til it bleeds, distancing myself from people or any interaction (cuz when I feel vulnerable I do not want to dissapoint or make people worry about me). There's one more negative thing I've started doing. Well. For school and my grades it may be good. But for my mental health it's pure torture. I started making myself think that if I don't study for something and just lay around and do nothing or "chill" I will fail in that subject, then having to repeat a year, which ai obviously will not allow so I drop out of school, which follows with being a highschool dropout and leading a miserable life and not being able to do the things I love, which I also don't want to happen so it follows with suicide.
I just find it amazing how the education system is making some students go insane because of school. It's abnormal to think that if you fail a grade you will die. But I do. And it's the only thing that motivates me to study. I'm afraid it's the only motivation that can make me productive. Trust me. I've tried any kind of technique. None of them worked. None of them made me motivated and productive. And then. I remembered an upperclassman (which graduates this year) saying that fear is the best motivation. And he was right.
This technique brings me a lot of mental pain. But I've got no other choice. I want to lead a successful life as an adult. I do not want to end up living off of the money of my parents, and I also want to pay back my parents. Because I was a complicated little shit to raise. And still am. I mostly want to pay them back because I feel ashamed of all the failures I have done. Just thinking about those dissapointed faces of my parents makes me feel like drowning.
And the comments from my father like "I knew you were going to fail" or the one comment that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life is this one: In the year 2016 I had an entrance exam for my current school. It was hard and nerve wrecking and the chances that I'm going to pass were grim. But I made it and felt so proud of myself. But then my father said. "Tbh I thought you would fail."
And just hearing that you'll never be enough for a parent is just so. Frustrating. My father is an A+ parent, isn't he? When your child succeeds in something and is proud of it, you should be proud with them, and not the complete opposite by saying that you had no hope for them.
My father never had any hope in me. I'm always going to be a dissapointment in his eyes.
"No matter what you touch, it'll break!" "Can't you do anything right?" "I shouldn't have let you do that." And so on.
One more thing why I want to graduate, study in a university and have a stable and good paying job is to escape from this home.
I love my parents. But sometimes they really do leave big emotional scars on me. And I don't want to stand that abusive behavior my whole life.
Moving on. Now about my school situation.
My grades are honestly better than ever. But. My emotional state is worse than ever. And not gonna lie, I deserve it. I almost did nothing for school the whole semester until the recent month. But I'm also proud of my ability to study something in a short time (which you would normally study for a whole semester) and have a great mark on it at the end. But. It drains a lot of mental energy. But thankfully. All this is only temporary. After school ends. I'll be fine again.
There's this one huge concern of mine. Math. I've never been good at that fucker.
Now. If you didn't know, I've already repeated the 9th grade (so I was in 9th grade last year (but never repeated a class before) and am in a ninth grade again). And there was a big list of subjects I've failed in. And one of them was math.
So. According to Samurai, you cannot fail the same subject two years in a row. Because you'd have to repeat a year AGAIN. And I honestly had another big mental breakdown once I've read that information.
I have 3 attempts on succeeding in math and not getting a bad mark. Which gives me a little bit of hope. 1. One is the exam (which is in 10 days so I doubt I'll succeed this one cuz I also gotta concentrate on other subjects) 2. One is the oral exam. And the 3. One is the huge exam at the beginning of the year. And I really hope I don't have to do that one cuz tbh it's a pain in the ass.
Today I'm feeling really fucking bad (cuz of all the mental shit) and also physically cuz my stomach had been being weird since Saturday. I'll probably have to check myself up at the doctor. Like. I feel like puking all the time but I'm still able to eat and not make that puke feeling worse. And I can't sleep properly cuz of that feeling.
So. I won't be at school today. But I'll try to force myself to study. Cuz I really gotta succeed this year.
