2013 - Now

Transferring my journals onto here. If anyone ever reads any of this, heads up, I’m not a likeable person. these journals pretty much document all my my life through the years, in all its honesty me & about

[zoesjournals]

04 November 2013

Nope still not idea what’s going on. Sorry I haven’t written in here much, it’s just with all the shit going on, this diary has been the last thing on my mind. I know a diary is supposed to be for when shit does happen but it drains me to re-live things to write them down so I’ll just give quick entry on what’s been going down.

I’m attracted to Mel and think maybe I’m crushing a bit on her???? and Marcie wants to get back together. These are the main things on my mind right now.

[zoesjournals]

29 October 2013

gosh, everyday is such an emotional rollercoaster. One minute, I’m suicidal, the next I’ve never felt better. Things with Marcie go sweet, then sour. I’m too confused to write anything solid anything down. Will get back to you diary, when I’ve got a fucking clue what’s going on

[zoesjournals]

28 October 2013

Ah what to write?

So much has happened in so little time. Good to say, I’m feeling much better than my last journal entry. Marcie and I apologised and agreed to just be friends for now. I still love her but I’d rather be her friend than us hating each other. At she’ll still be in my life this way...

In fact, Mel and I got onto Omegle, flirting with strangers and just having fun and I guess to help my self esteem a bit (future note: oh god I had forgotten about Omegle). I’m starting to think I’m attracted to Mel....?

Anyway, my mum knows everything. Depression, self harm, and everything. She’s been understanding. Even bought me some long sleeved shirts to help cover up my cuts.

[zoesjournals]

26 October 2013

7:31am

It’s early but I’m feeling alright. Compared to what I have been at least. I got myself a bit chocolate and finished taking my antidepressant.

Mel texted me. She talked with her brother. It seems like it went well. I’m glad. I hope they can learn to forgive each other. I still have that gnawing anxiety though like something isn’t right...

I asked Marcie how she is feeling - about me. She said she does love me, she just needs time to herself.

I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve lost Marcie, she’s dead to me, calling me sick & she never loved me FUCK HER

Mum saw my cuts all up my arm. Called me disgusting. Attention seeking. Always all about me. Fuck HER

All I need is Mel, everyone else can go fuck themselves! I’m so sick of everyone. Keep telling me to open, open up Zoe! Well look what happens when I do open up. Sick of pain. Sick of numbness. Sick of this. Need to die. Deserve to die.

[zoesjournals]

25 October 2013

8:00am

Anxiety is brewing in my stomach, along with all the painful growls. I gave my word to Marcie I would make it on Monday but now I remember my appointment with Rosy is at 12 on Monday. I need to ask Mum to cancel it or something without seeming suspicious. Even if I have to resort to sneaking on the bus. Thinking about it is making me shake.

5:50pm

Today has been rather slow, but it wasn’t a bad day I guess. I downloaded some awesome Mudvayne, Silverstein and Korn songs to keep me satisfied. Now I feel a little shaky and uncomfortable but I’m hoping it’ll fade. Maybe I’m low on iron again or need some fresh hair.

There is one thing I must jot down that’s been eating t me. Yesterday (well, Wednesday) Marcie self harmed. I’m the reason she has that disgusting shit on her arm. I’ve made her feel this way, made her follow me. She starts this, and she won’t be able to stop, it ruins your life. It’s so horrible. The fact she is suffering right now hurts me so bad. I want to make her happy. But in a sick twisted way, I’m glad that she isn’t. She has done the same thing to me, made me suffer and the reason I’ve self harmed so many times. It’s satisfying she has a small taste of what’s she’s put me through for so long. I know these thoughts are dangerous. I know I should feel ashamed. But I don’t really. I honestly belong in the rubbish

I’m scared to talk to her Monday. I don’t want to hear the answer of whether we are remaining friends or getting back together. In theory, it sounds good to rebuild our friendship first before thinking about any sort of relationship but urgh. It’s like she either loves me or she doesn’t. My weak heart can’t handle it. God, please please please, if you exist, make this work. I need her. And I need her to need me too.

CANT TEXT HER MUST RESIST! ARGH I HATE EMOTIONS

I just want to be happy. I want everyone to JUST BE HAPPY

9:09pm

Mel called me crying. She needed comforting and I just made things worse. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Some friend. All I do is talk about myself. Greedy, selfish, useless pig! Wtf is wrong with me? Mel is so perfect and she’s stuck with me. I’m never going to be a counsellor :( I can never be there for anyone

Just hurt the ones I love

[zoesjournals]

24 October 2013

Marcie & I have planned to ditch school tomorrow and go to Stocklands. We need to talk and we can’t do that at school. I have so much emotion to express but nothing really to say.

I’m nervous.

Tomorrow could.... well, just say, I thought I was feeling bad today? Marcie says she has a lot to say. She fucking cut herself yesterday. Because of me. Look at what we’ve become. I miss when our relationship was so innocent and sweet...

5:57pm

Hurt myself today. Thighs, legs, ass, hips, stomach, breasts, shoulders, and for the first time, all up my left arm. I don’t care who sees anymore. I don’t care what people think anymore. All that I can think about is Marcie, Marcie, Marcie.

I knew I had it bad, but this is ridiculous.

We had a big talk and were completely honest. The things we said were honest daggers, stabbing so deep. I think...she maybe does love me, but she’s in a dark place right now. We both are. We just don’t understand each other. But we will be there for each other. Even if I had to fight - I love her. I hope she loves me too

[zoesjournals]

23 October 2013

My heartbreak 15yo self’s Angsty playlist:

All Good Things - Nelly Furtado

I Hate Everything About You - 3 Days Grace

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

Dear Tragedy - Bayside

Loveless Wrists - Bayside

Who Knew - P!nk

In Pieces - Linkin Park

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley

Fuck You - Sleeping With Sirens

Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

I Don’t Believe you - P!nk

Angels - Within Temptation

I Bleed - Halestorm

Everybody’s Fool - Evanescence

7:31am

Our whole relationship was a life...the kisses, dates, hugs, conversations, all of it just some chore on her part. Something to do for a “friend”. I can’t believe I thought she loved me, god I’m so fucking stupid!!!! I know I’m supposed to take only one anti depressant but I’ve been poppin them out like bubble wrap.

Time to keep myself distracted: Draw, write, Internet, wat, cut, read, clean, anything to keep from melting down again I WILL MAKE THROUGH THIS!

Everyone goes through this. It’ll be okay. Oh and avoid love songs

8:53am

Fuck had a meltdown in the shower. Feeling kinda shitty. Memories keep running through my mind. Gotta keep busy!! Gotta keep busy, gotta keep busy, it’s almost a mantra now.

To do list keep myself busy:

• Draw Queen of Hearts pic in art book

• finish and start new chapter in Jessica

• clean room & kitchen

• start Art assesment

• make sure Mum calls Girls Grammar

• download 2 songs

• finish watching playthrough of Beyond: Two Souls

• jog to the pub and back

Omg the most embarrassing thing just happened. I mistook Jude, the mail lady next door, as Mum and hugged her and kissed her should and said “love ya Mum” KILL. ME. NOW. I’m never going to live that fucking down omfg

9:45am

I’m going to take another pill. I need it. (Feeling sick and lightheaded after that). I wonder how long I need to wait until I feel better.

5:51pm

I feel so empty. Marcie and I spoke. Too painful to write down. I need to get out of this fucking place. Maybe arrange a sleepover with Mel? it’s weird to think Mel is my best friend after all these years with Marcie. Oh Marcie :(

[zoesjournals]

Thanks for diseasing this journal with your blood past me 👌🏻 glad I get to finally throw this stupid thing out

22 October 2013

Dear diary, today has been the worst day of my life. Marcie dumped me after two years saying she only loved me “as a friend”. Of course it wasn’t a surprise. I always knew she didn’t love me. Of course I’m heartbroken. I loved her, still love her. Guess it just wasn’t meant to be or something. All today I was crying, sobbing. Wanting to just end it all. Whatever method. Words can’t even begin to describe how bad I melted down. I need to talk about it in my diary sometime - I need to remember. But I’m not ready yet. So I’ll just leave it at that for now. Next year Mum is moving time to Girls’ Grammar, a boarding school. Thank god. I can’t be near Marcie - watch her date someone else - I can’t. I don’t know, time to take it one day at a time. I’ll be taking a break from school. No semi formal for me. I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. From today onward, my life is either going to get better or way worse and right now I’m in this rift of nothingness until the decision is made. Just one foot in front of the other.

I did it. I deleted her number. I keep checking my phone every 5 mins though. It’s disgusting.

10:13pm

I’ve calmed down a lot. Mel has been such a huge help. I love her.

10:52pm

Memories are a bitch. Emotions are just as fucked. Relapse tonight. Leg covered in blood. After a month of being clean, I needed it. Nothing stopping me now. For all anyone cares, I should just hack my legs clean off. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. But the worst part is waiting for the nightmares I know are gonna come when I go to sleep. It’s true what they say, all good things do come to an end.

[zoesjournals]

16 October 2013

10:58pm

I’m tired. I’m awake. I want to sleep. I want to stay awake. My head aches and my heart does too. I feel so dissociated from everything yet at the same time I’m buried in it and it’s killing me. How much longer till it eats me completely

[zoesjournals]

15 October 2013

Em: The sleepover is off but shopping is still good

Me: aw that sux. don’t think Mum would have let me sleep over anyway :/ but excited 4 shopping. Its need to be after 2 tho, so Marcie can come

Em: plan is to go easy and do some light shopping til Marcie gets there then good shopping when she does ^.^ movie when shops close then sizzlers for dinner >:3

Me: lucky! Dx hope you eat until you explode! Mum and Shawn are opening the pubs soon and it has a hotel in the back, plus free pizza and a game room. Do I hear a venue for an awesome sleepover? Why you calling sleepover off?

Em: yes :) arent you joining us for dinner? I’m the person canceling the sleepover but I can still do it if...and cause mums going through a really tough time at the moment...she came home crying and is taking the week off work. So yeah if we have the sleepover then we will have to be “good”

Me: when am I never good :D we don’t have to have a sleepover. Eating at sizzlers will be awesome. What movie are we going to see?

Em: not sure. But how will you get home? Your mum doesn’t seem the type to pick you up late at night?

Me: oh god I didn’t even think about that ;-; scrap sizzlers I guess but I can still come shopping.

3:44pm

I AM SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I have sun cancer.

My appointment with Rosy went alright

[zoesjournals]

11 October 2013

??am

Wah, I’m in Science and watched the SADDEST clips on Orangutans >_< it’s so easy to forget how horrible this world is sometimes. Destroying forests for stupid shit like peanut butter urgh why do we always have to watch the most depressing stuff in Science.

??am

English time, panic attack creeping on for no reason. Deep breaths.

??pm

Math time. I’ve been trying to keep a good mood today but guess who decided to be a complete bitch again? Argh you know what? I’m not going to let her get to me today. She can be sour all by her fucking self. Mel & I can have fun together.

Okay I must admit I don’t feel so good anymore. Fuck does she know how to control my emotions. I shouldn’t have been come today. Mum & Shawn are fighting again. I could have stayed home and helped Mum out with the kids instead of coming to school and dealing with her cranky ass. Why is everyone so upset ?? for fuck sake, Zoe can’t be upset, no no! We can’t have that attention seeker moping around. So let’s just make her swallow all these fucking pills to lighten her up while we continue being complete fucking chants. Mum, Shawn, Marcie, all of them!

ASSHOLES!

HYPOCRITES!!

BUT NOO FUCKING PUT ON A HAPPY FACE TO PLEASE THEM, EVEN THOUGH THEY CANT BE PLEASED. FUCK this. Fuck all of them. Just when I thought today might be a good day. God I can’t even describe how angry I am. What the FUCK is wrong with these people?! All I want is for everyone to be happy! I’m so tired of unhappiness. I’m tired of all this frustration and loneliness. I’m sick of feeling. These pills aren’t working :(

2:15pm

The day was bad but now it’s turned alright. Everyone cheered up, including me. Only bad thing was I didn’t get a kiss from Marcie because of a homophobic teacher.

3:52pm

Thinking about semi formal, Mum and Shawn’s fight this morning, homework, Marcie, and it’s Kat’s birthday. Haven’t heard from her in awhile..last time we talked she was super depressed and saying some worrying things.

I need to compliment Marcie more. She’s been having low self esteem lately. I understand how she feels :/

At 6pm tonight there’s gonna be a sausage sizzle. My mood is pummeling. I don’t want to babysit the kids tonight. I’ve been thinking about dad lately....

[zoesjournals]

10 October 2013

Apparently I HAD missed something at school because when I came to school yesterday, Marcie couldn’t be anymore bitchier. She flat out ignored me all day, didn’t touch me once. I thought maybe she was just in one of those moods, I get those moods too - but she was literally all over Nat. Laughing at every single joke that came out of his mouth, couldn’t keep her hands off him. I tried hugging her again and she groaned. GROANED. like it was a fucking effort. So I pushed her away and snapped “don’t fucking worry about it” and stormed off to History with Mel. Of course halfway there, I began crying. I cried all through History too. Had to excuse myself to the bathroom and had a horrible breakdown. I was curled in a ball and felt the sobs come from my gut. By the end of the day, I had a migraine.

And all it took was my stupid jealousy to dodo the endless thoughts of she doesn’t love, no one will, all you are is baggage, you only drag everyone down, your love is only heavy, all alone, all alone.

It was sickening. All day and all night all I wanted to do was cut, cut, cut. To the bone. Marcie hated me, there was no reason to hold back anymore.

Except...something did. Because I didn’t cut. I don’t know why. After all, I had wanted it so bad, it had physically ached. But here I am, skin still all intact.

Anyway, to make the day even shittier, Marcie & I didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the day. I hung out with Mel who was a big help. She’s one of my best friends. She had History in period 5 and said she’d talk to Marcie for me. I had expected the worst case scenario. Mel didn’t text me until 4:30pm only to say “she didn’t touch you because she was hot” which was a shitty excuse because she was all over Nat. I had another meltdown with Mum. At 10pm, Marcie finally texted me apologising.

Now that I’m at school, Mel told me that Marcie doesn’t want to hug me because she was self conscious about her (non existent!!) fat. Apparently, she texted Mel something about how much she loved me. Now I feel like shit for throwing a tantrum when she was feeling so bad. I’ll apologise to her when I see her again.

3:46pm

Marcie & I are good again. Can’t believe we went through all that for nothing. Today was nice though. I got lots of kisses and I got to see Emily for the first time after returning from Japan. I gotta see if I can sleep over her house next Saturday night for a movie night <3 Emily suggested Marcie and I get promise rings. I would love them buuuuuut they aren’t Marcie’s thing. I found a song for us

[zoesjournals]

7 October 2013

1:31pm

I had a horrible dream last night. The sort of dream that fucks up your emotions and leaves you with a sinking pit in your stomach for the rest of the day. I’ve been awake for 3 hours and still feel like shit. My dream was about Marcie - almost like my mind knew exactly where to strike for the lowest blow. I don’t really remember much, nor am I good at explaining dreams, especially the abstract as shit dream I have, but it was pretty much about Marcie (who’s always a cold bitch in my dreams) dating someone else while she was still going out with me. Me being the possessive bitch I am, told her if she was dating me, it could only be me. Blah blah blah other dream stuff happened and she dumped him, but then she began acting completely indifferent to me. After feeling like shit and confronting her, I asked her if she still loved me. She said “yeah sure but not when you’re sad and shit”. Those words cut deep, when now that I’m awake. We ended up breaking up and never speaking again.

I know where this dream came from. After all, dreams are just subconscious fears right? Ever since Marcie broke up with me, our relationship has been strained. Hard now since I know she thinks I’m just attention seeking, her own words - after I spilled my heart to her - I don’t know anymore. I hate this constant doubt with her. What if she’s only dating me for the attention? After all, she’s never the one to intimate kisses or hugs ect. It’s almost as if she is only doing those things with me out of a sense of obligation.

School starts tomorrow. For the first week, I won’t kiss her. Let’s see if she initiates. I do love her.

“The ones who we trusted most, pushed us far away” Misguided Ghosts, Paramore

12:21am

I just got out of the bathroom. My throat hurts. I hope the damage isn’t permanent. After a couple attempts, I finally managed to make myself throw up a bit, with the help of a toothbrush. Not eating didn’t work out too well, and I have to lose weight somehow. I wanna go back and try again to throw up some more but my throat really hurts...plus I’m loud when gagging and I don’t want Mum walking in on me

[zoesjournals]

8 October 2013

10:40pm

I didn’t go to school today. I slept in. These pills are making me so tired. So today all I did was sleep, have a shower, and go to therapy. Rosy gave me some booklets on self harm. Hopefully they I’ll help - my urges have been scary strong. She also gave me a lift of things I can do to distract myself when urges hit:

• listen to loud music

• cut my hair

• count change

• pain my nails

• squeeze a stress ball

• eat spicy food

• look at stars

• shred some old documents

• swing on a swing

• punch a pillow

• have a hot shower

Some of these seek pretty good so I’ll give it a try.

WAH I MISS MARCIE!!! I hope she isn’t mad I skipped school...I feel like I missed something important today though.

[zoesjournals]

06 October 2013

2:24pm

Alone with the kids. Max is asleep. Jade’s watching TV. Mum and Shawn are cleaning up the pub. And here I am triggering myself with sad songs. Can’t relapse again, what would Marcie think? That’s become like a chant in my head now. I don’t know when my next counselling appointment with Rosy is - I really need to talk to her. I need someone to talk to. Or do I? Is this just me seeking attention? I don’t know anymore. Well. Anyway. I need to talk Mr. Psychiatrist (forgot his name) and talk about my antidepressants. They are making me very tired.

[zoesjournals]

05 October 2013

It’s Saturday night. I just spent two nights at Marcie’s house. It was really fun. Sucks I had to come home. As if being stuck here isn’t bad enough, now mum isn’t letting me use the internment for an ENTIRE MONTH!! Because the cost was too high. Now what the hell am I supposed to do??? I guess I could take up my old hobbies again - reading, writing, drawing. I used to love doing these so much. Back when I thought I was good. But I’m not good at anything. I really am worthless.

Fuck, I gotta stop thinking so negatively. Or else Marcie will begin to hate me again I wonder sometimes whether she even loves me. I just can’t understand her. There are times when she is completely cold towards me, completely ignoring me, and other times she can make me feel so special. ARGH there I go again.

Things that make me happy:

• watching Pretty Little Liars, Princess Tutu, Pewdipie & Shane Dawson & scary movies

• Mel & Kat

• brownies & pasta & grape soda

• ballet

• browsing tumblr

• jacking off

Song in my head:

Zetsubou Billy - Maximum The Hormone!!!

11:03pm

A couple days ago, I relapsed. Just two small cuts across my stomach. I did where I knew Marcie wouldn’t see them. If she found out...I knew it would hurt her and I did it anyway. I’m pathetic. I’m a LIAR.

[zoesjournals]

26 September 2013

9:10pm

God I’m so bored! School holidays! I’m way too slack to do anything. My room is always messy. Gotta doesn’t but slack. I hate this place.