after bringing joel to work i went back to bed and passed out for another five hours. i did take the occasion to take my meds, though, at one point when i woke up during my sleep extension. so that was good.
i ended up playing games most of the day, but i also applied for like six jobs and eventually made my way home after i picked up joel and after we grabbed his meds from not cvs, but rite aid. i got some snacks and put a few applications together before heading home.
earlier in the day, i looked at my emails and i saw a response about a position i applied for yesterday that would've been perfect, and i opened it to see a "no thanks." the rsd makes rejection letters like that really difficult to handle. so i was pretty disappointed. like "it's another rejection. when will someone give me the chance to prove myself?" the answer feels like never. but i texted joel and he said it eventually feels less awful, but to not take it personally. so submitting a few more applications today helped me feel a little better about it, even if a little more hopeful for some other opportunity that may arise from it.
i came home to hot dogs with bad ketchup and baked beans with extra extra onions so i didn't really eat much. i sat and watched oak island with my mom for a while, but she eventually needed to sleep so i turned the volume down and kept watching with the subtitles on. of course the distraction requirement of the adhd kept me from really paying attention, but i've gotten to see some important points that i missed from not having seen entire episodes. i'm now only four or so behind.
but i gotta say, that out of the whole day and out of all of the things that happened, i'm glad that joel has been there to listen to me and support me. when i think about asking for advice, the first person i think of is joel. i think of people who i can trust and who would sit on the floor with me to think, and the first person who comes to mind is him. and i'm so so happy i have him, because i'd be pretty miserable without him and the influence he's had on me and my life. i'm a much happier person than i was before i met him.
i keep thinking about the things that have happened in the last six years since i started my masters degree. it's a lot. a lot of pain, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of opportunities that have been given up in hopes of something better, missed chances and better outcomes. i lost friends, i lost faith, i even lost the academic world i was in for a time - but i also worked toward and gained another degree, i made new friends, i found some faith in myself, i got diagnoses, i got on meds, i got a therapist, i went through a global pandemic only getting it twice, i've dealt with the loss of family members and jobs and what feels like pieces of my sanity, but i'm still here. i'm still me, but i'm better for all of it.
and that's a nice thing to know.
