#33lamp

[apt341]

Chemical Warfare

Bradypus and Squirrel had a very strange relationship. Bradypus could not stand Squirrel, she thought she was stupid and annoying, yet they would hang out. Mostly hang out meant watching TV together, shows that Bradypus suggested and wanted to share with Squirrel. 

On one of these bonding days I has been at work all day and when I came back I saw the two of them sitting on the sofa, my nose burned, and then my vision went blurry. All my senses were hit at once by one of the worst smells I have ever encountered. 

This wasn’t your typical bad smell like skunk, rotten food, or even body odor, this was more than that. The smell pierced my nose and went straight through to the back of my brain, it stung my eyes as though I had rinsed them out using soap with an onion base, the back of my throat burned ten times worse than when I took my first vodka shot, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe and I could barely see through my teary eyes. I asked what had happened as I went to open the window and Bradypus explained that Squirrel had burned something in her pan and was trying to clean it by boiling vinegar in the pot that was scorched. Then asked me to close the window because it was too cold. 

I went to my room and opened the window, I did not care that it was the middle of winter, I wrapped myself up in blankets and worked on homework, trying to understand what had just happened. 

[apt341]

Possible Roommate?

At some point we met Spheniscus, one of Squirrel’s friends, she was nice, a bit awkward but not as bad as Squirrel. She told us she was aware of our living situation and Murinae flipping back and fourth on whether or not she would sign my form to release me from the lease. We all agreed that we liked Spheniscus way more than Murinae and fantasized about having her as a roommate. 

We learned that Spheniscus lived in a really bad neighborhood, she was an ear witness to a murder the first week she was there and her apartment was more of a trailer which was not up to code. 

[apt341]

A less than exciting Erinaceidae

I found someone who wanted to take my place, and I’m not going to lie, I did feel a little bit bad that I was leaving this person with such terrible roommates/people, but I just wanted out. She was a business major, maybe accounting, a bit older than the rest of us, I think she said she was 26, and was going to transfer for the Spring semester. She said she was interested in seeing the apartment, I’d told everyone about her, and I told them she was coming over and asked who would be at the apartment to meet her. Bradypus was the only one to respond saying that she worked that day, the other two ignored me. Erinaceidae was nice, she was a bit bland, from her librarian hairstyle to her gray turtleneck, she did’t ask a lot of questions and if her voice were a color it would be taupe. 

She told me she was definitely interested and asked about the application process which I said I’d send right over. I was excited to get out of there, and everyone else was on board once more seeing as how I’d found a roommate so the rent would stay the same (since Murinae had decided not to leave and it was clear that Bradypus was not leaving Murinae decided it would be best to have someone come and take my spot after all).

[apt341]

Germ Theory and Squirrel Stew

Squirrel got sick, she’s been sick for several weeks now, almost two months. She got Bradypus sick and Bradypus got mad. She’s mad because when she asked Squirrel to Lysol things down after she’d touched them she got upset, saying she lived there too. But we didn’t want to get sick, and Squirrel refused to take any kind of medication. She doesn’t believe in medicine. She is a biology major and doesn’t believe in medicine. What she did instead is go to the hot tub and sit there for a while, at night. Bradypus told me she is never going to the hot tub again.

Bradypus got better. Squirrel was still sick, still refuses to take any kind of medicine. I can sort of understand Squirrel, as soon as Bradypus started feeling ill she started pumping herself with meds, I usually try to ride it out but if it doesn’t start to go away in three days I’ll take medicine to take care of the symptoms. She was sick for almost two months, awful cough, runny nose, her voice sounded all funny, the works. Yet she refused to take any sort of medicine.

[apt341]

Body Odor and Blueberry Pie

Since Murinae was gone for a month and Squirrel had the whole half of the apartment to herself her boyfriend became a frequent visitor. Almost as soon as they started dating he was spending the night, which isn’t any of my business except for that first night. I came home from work late and all I wanted to do was shower and go to sleep. As I walked through the door I was hit by the smell of BO, Squirrel doesn’t shower as regularly as she should and apparently neither does her boyfriend. So she says hi and explains that the long haired bearded man sitting next to her was her boyfriend, at this point I was tired and couldn’t really see straight because of the smell so I say hello back and just keep walking towards my bathroom. 

The next morning I head a rubbing sound, like someone trying to get static but quickly moving their socks back and fourth on the carpet. I ignore it and try to go back to sleep, but then I hear it again. This goes on for several minutes where I will hear it, then it stops, then it starts again. So I go out ready to tell whoever it is to please stop when I see someone scrubbing at the carpet with a sponge, but I don’t recognize the hair, it’s dirty blond and stringy, then he looks up and I see a bearded face looking back up at me and say good morning. I turned right back around and went into my room ready to call the cops, I have no idea who this man it and what they are doing in my apartment. Then I remember my weird roommate’s equally weird boyfriend, though she apparently hadn’t told anyone he was spending the night. 

I was later told out that Squirrel and Bradypus had carpooled to school together about half an hour before I woke up and I have no idea what he was still doing there if his girlfriend had been long gone. And it wasn’t until later that day that I found out he had been trying to get blueberry pie out of the carpet, he didn’t, it left a nice big stain where he dropped it literally two inches from the kitchen linoleum floor. 

[apt341]

Murinae runs away

After Halloween I didn’t see Murinae for weeks. Turns out Murinae was illegally living on campus at a friend’s dorm, the friend lived in a double but the second bed was empty, so Murinae was basically a squatter. We got a text from her at some point saying that she and Squirrel were planning on staying until the end of the lease, that it would be too expensive to leave (yet she had told Bradypus that it was no big deal). Bradypus and I came to the conclusion that they had never had to work for anything before and were used to getting things their way without any sort of commitment or effort. 

Because Murinae was technically no longer living in the apartment she refused to pay for anything  besides rent. Squirrel was starting to realize how terrible her friend was and tried to get her to pay for utilities and internet, but in the end we all just split it three ways. 

[apt341]

Halloween, Snapchat, and Boys

It was Halloween and I had no plans, my best friend had gone to Chico to party with her boyfriend and his friends. Squirrel and her boyfriend went trick-or-treating with Murinae and her friend, they all dressed up as woodland rodents. After our little exchange I was left in the apartment with Bradypus and a bowlful of candy waiting for trick-or-treaters that would not come (we had had several reported clowns sightings making it a big year for daylight trick-or-treating and mall trips, also it was drizzling). Bradypus asked if I wanted to watch The Twilight Zone or a scary movie to get into the Halloween spirit, I said sure, seeing as how I had nothing else to do and she was the only one of my roommates I could almost tolerate. 

We settled on watching The Shining (1980), and by that I mean I saw it and tried to listen while she told me every theory out there, pointed out important symbolism, and simultaneously talked about everything her mother ever said and thought about the movie. 

This was around the time Bradypus was in a “flirtation” with a coworker of ours. It started one closing shift in which they both got off half an hour before me, but by the time I got off and made my way to the parking lot she and Guy were still just standing outside her car just talking. When we got to the apartment she asked what I thought, it told her he clearly had a thing for her and she seemed to like him, I’m usually pretty oblivious to this but it was so obvious. They continued to flirt at work, which I warned her was not the best idea, and they eventually added each other on Snapchat. 

Back to Halloween, Bradypus was Snapchatting with this guy and she sent him a picture of her outfit/costume, she was a witch doctor so black shorts, fishnets, a black tank top, and a black top hat with bones sticking out of it. He replayed it and answered with “Wow, send another :)” and she freaked out. She had me take another picture to send, then carefully reviewed it, judged herself harshly, deleted it and had me take another. This cycle repeated itself fifteen more times. I had nothing better to do and it was interesting, at least for a while, to watch someone flip out when it came to the opposite sex. I told her to calm down and that she looked fine in the picture, but she wouldn’t have it.

The rest of the night was basically me trying to watch the movie while Bradypus texted Guy and talked non stop about the movie, theories, and now what Guy was saying. It was truly a night of horrors. 

[apt341]

Trick-or-Treat

By the time Halloween came around everyone had calmed down. Murinae and Squirrel agreed that trying to make Bradypus leave was not a great idea, and that the best thing to do was find new housing themselves. They agreed to signing me off the lease if I could find someone to take my place.

Halloween landed on a Monday, and the previous week Murinae had ignored her chore chart duty, which was to take out the trash. We had all agreed to have it done by Sunday, and the trash was the easiest chore since it was literally just outside our front door. I was sitting at the table when she and everyone else that was going trick-or-treating were milling around the front door, waiting on Squirrel to find her phone. I told Murinae that since she was on her way out to please take out the trash, to which she answered “Can’t be bothered”, “Excuse me?” I asked with a mix of shock and anger and she simply walked out the door while her friends stood around looking uncomfortable.

The next day I took out the trash bag, double bagged it and left it leaning on her bedroom door with a note in Spanish, “Si no es mucha molestia” (if it’s not too much of a bother) so there was absolutely no doubt that it was from me to her, we are the only two Spanish speakers in the apartment.