#40k shitposting

[plagueplanethq]

[iapetusneume]

we should totally just stab guilliman

(context for the rest of you, Tumblr being Tumblr about the Ides of March and I made a comment on a post about how I actually think about the Roman Empire a lot more because of Ultramarines)

So I wanted to let you know my mind has gone several places since you sent me this ask.

First, there was the obvious "noooo please don't hurt my blorbo, he's suffered enough" :( :( :(

But then I remembered that he:

Survived in the vacuum of space for a few hours

Took on a bunch of (armed and in power suits) Alpha legion astartes unarmed and unarmored and won

Got stabbed in the throat by Fulgrim and lived (yes thanks to stasis and the Armour of Fate BUT STILL)

Probably a bunch of other stuff because I've read less than 20 Black Library books shhhh I'm working on it

Dude's a primarch. He'll be fine.

BUT THEN I was wondering about historical reenactments and if - with the nerd we all know Guilliman is - he might be into very accurate reenactments? And maybe, for education, he might not mind playing the role of a tyrant who gets stabbed. After all, he can bounce back from it.

So he lets the Macraggian citizens stab him, as a treat. And only once a year.

[burrs-umbrella]

Broke: The mechanicus exclusively listen to the most holy of binaric cants and hymns in their worship

Woke: The mechanicus exclusively listen to early 2010s pop music as an ancient and respected form of old terran music. Harlem Shake is blared from the dunecrawlers. Ancient techpriests hum Gangnam Style to their machine spirits. Total fucking anarchy.

[iapetusneume]

Wing Tier List - Primarch Version

So, because my partners encouraged me to write this and there seems to be a few mutuals who are interested, I’ve compiled my Wing Tier List for the Primarchs. This is inspired by this post about an exchange between Jaghatai Khan and Mortarion shortly after Mortarion ascended to be a Daemon Primarch. I am in no way an expert in 40k tabletop rules or lore - these rulings were made mostly off of Vibes with a dash of the lore that I know - or of wings on fictional characters. I’m just someone who has spent way too much time thinking about this.

I should also mention that, while it is impossible for me to be Normal about liking Sanguinius, this did not influence the actual rankings.

(I’m going to try to use official art as best I can.)

So, let’s get to it!

Contender: Sanguinius of the Blood Angels

Because to start off with anyone else would be heresy. His wings are so well-known that he carries the nickname “the Angel” among his brothers as well as the other Legions. Jokingly and lovingly called Hawk-Boy by fandom. Commonly-known in canon as one of the two most prettiest primarchs. Wings so significant that when I went to google “which primarchs have wings” to make sure I wasn’t missing someone Obvious, I got this:

Yeah, I didn’t even say Sanguinius in my search, but Google just Knew. (And also, thank you so much to @plagueplanethq​ for helping me fact-check how many Primarchs actually have wings.)

Anyways. Sanguinius is first to be evaluated because he’s the OG winged-primarch. He’s also happens to be the only Loyalist on this list.

Analysis: When setting out to do the look for Sanguinius, the original artists leaned in super hard to the “Angel” keyword and not so much the “vampire” part. If you showed me a picture of Sanguinius before I was into 40k and asked me what he is, I would have never guessed “vampire.” I have seen these sorts of wings hundreds of times. Are they nicely done? Oh definitely. Does he make it look good? Absolutely. How unique is it? ...not really? He’s an angel, and has white wings. The artists understood the assignment and did a great job, but this isn’t exactly new:

7 / 10

++

Contender: Angron of the World Eaters

Analysis: When a dude has a nickname like “the Red Angel,” well, of course he’ll eventually get wings. I was a little worried at first that this was going to be too much “traditional demon or devil” wings, but I do like some of the detail on the model! Doing skin and/or scales for the wings also feels more practical for someone pledged to Khorne, because it feels like a chance of less maintenance than if feathers get all messy. (IRL birds will go take baths and such when they need it, but is Angron going to bother? That’s up for debate.) The spikes are very nice, and the few holes in the wings add some personality. It’s also a good reminder that they’re flying because magic and because the Warp laughs in the face of science. Consider me pleasantly surprised:

7 / 10

++

Contender: Magnus the Red of the Thousand Sons

Analysis: Feathers make sense for the guy pledged to a god who has birb motifs going on. I really appreciate the fact that these feathers are distinct, and have a bit of character. Also, honorable mention to hexygoblin‘s paint job here, which is stunning. He’s definitely got the best feathers on wings. I also feel like Tzeentch would appreciate a bit of style:

8 / 10

++

Contender: Fulgrim of the Emperor’s Children

Analysis: It is truly a shame that we don’t have a more current model for Daemon Primarch Fulgrim. I am forced to go off of the vibe of the model and that first image of him screaming to try to make a wing assessment. This looks fairly standard for what one might think of demons or devils, and I gotta say, I’m not impressed? The second drawing suggests feathers, which would make sense for the Phoenix. Mostly, I would expect the primarch who pledged themself to the Lord of Excess to be more... excessive? I’ve seen some cool fanart for different wing interpretations for Fulgrim, but I’m trying to go off of ‘canon’ as much as I can here:

5 / 10

(I will have to reassess one day when he gets a new Daemon Primarch model. Maybe we don'thave one yet because it isn't perfect.)

++

Contender: Mortarion of the Death Guard

Analysis: I’m definitely getting moth vibes from the way the wings are done on the model. This model was also designed a bit more naturally to look like he’s flying. Artist took the prompt of “decay, so probably flies” and gave him flies on the model, which means bonus wings. But this isn’t a “how many wings” contest, this is for “coolest wings.” (Mortarion would win for sheer quantity of wings because of all of the flies.) There’s no way he’s flying with those wings without Warp Shenanigans. I feel like these are the most unique out of all of them. The paint job and also how the wings looks like they’re trying to be tatters also suggests the futile fight against entropy, which is the Lord of Decay’s bag:

9 / 10

++

Honorable mention (since he’s not a primarch) is Vashtorr, because I wanted a 10 / 10 on this list:

Coolest wings, for sure. Should they be able to fly? Absolutely not. But Chaos Gods don’t care what you think is logical.

10 / 10

.

.

.

*drumroll* WINNER OF THE [PRIMARCH] TIER LIST IS...........

MORTARION!

[iapetusneume]

The Chaos Gods as MMOs

Courtesy of my lovely wife, Navona.

World of Warcraft is Khorne, because everyone is violent and very agressive, and only cares about getting the kill as efficiently as possible

Final Fantsy XIV is Slaanesh because, it's full of ERPers and degen-modders, that "just want you to try it with them, just once"

Lost Ark is Tzneetch because, it has 5000 esoteric systems that requrie a PHD to math out properly, and even then you feel like you still aren't in on the secret

and

Runescape (both RS3 and OSRS) is Nurgle because, you're happy as you rot away as you spend all your time grinding for a skill that means nothing firemaking I'm looking at you gdi

~ Bonus ~

Ashes of Creation is Malal/Malice because it thinks it can take all the others at the same time, but it will really just be feebly sitting in the background

[irishteagoblin]

I think I captured Obyron's 60-ish million years old done/tiredness. Zahndrekh just about convinced him to do the thing, with much quiet salt.

[irishteagoblin]

Meanwhile on the Vengeful Spirit

[irishteagoblin]

OK so, you know the way Crypteks have tails for interacting with machinery and technology? 

Can we call them, cyber dongs?

Orikan has a cyber dong confirmed.

@cursed-40k-thoughts I need answers