#50firstdays

[alfredmasonicstorm]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WbBf27epWw)

[misdymeanor]

Day50. Finale?

This could be my last article / write up about my journey with Pale. Since he is not that into reading..a supposed to be 100 days of journey was cut short to #50firstdays. Perhaps I’ll still write and continue this. Pale will read from Day 1 to Day 50 only.

So, what happened today?

Well, nothing much! The usual thing, work. 😫 *Yawn*

Went home early, been craving for noodles. So I will cook one..and eat one! 🍝

Right after I finished cooking my dinner (noodles for that matter) Pale texted me that he’ll be sleeping at my house and will dine as well. He’ll run  errands by dawn.

So there he was forcing me to eat rice when I just finished eating noodles. We were watching TV and amazed with all those cooking shows. I fell asleep with my glasses on, again! 👓 Woke up with Pale removing my eyeglasses and I had to get up and brush my teeth. Hahaha! I almost forgot. So I sleep early, kinda tired and exhausted.

Woke again with Pale giving instructions that he’ll just lock the door and he’ll bring the keys. It’s between sleeping and awakening that I don’t understand what he said after that.

Then I woke up again with Pale’s drastic entrance in my house after running errands and all. I don’t know if I was dreaming, but I remembered Pale’s saying Ang suplada mo. Paiba-iba ka nang mood. So on and so forth…I was soooooo sleepy! I want to scream PALE PUHLEASE LET ME SLEEP! This is the only time that I get to sleep early and without any comprehensions.

He’s like that, if he can’t sleep he will surely drag you to the “do-not-sleep-also-zone”. But I am guilty also, I am more severe than that. I will do anything for your non-enjoyment. Hahaha 😈

Pale, let’s accept the fact that we are each others counterpart. It just so happened that your a boy and i am a girl…but all else are the same. Well, there are some exception actually..and you know very well what they are! 😉

🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃

Well, this isn’t the proper way to end our journey..i mean my write up. In which case, I’ll have to continue this…whether you like it or not Pale. 😁

[misdymeanor]

Day49. Carpe Diem 😪

The worst kind of feeling is that feeling of letting go. But for what it's worth, it's going to be letting go for a good reason and for a valuable purpose.

I had to make a drastic decision. I had to bring Mady back here in the City even without a Yaya. I had to asked her Daddy to take care of her while I'm at work.

I felt strange. With a heavy heart, I had to be with someone I don't feel like being okay. But I had to do it, I don't want Mady to be the sacrificial lamb here. I am doing the best I can for her, when her Father is busy throwing his obligations and responsibilities at me. I have to swallow my pride, if there's anything left.

Went to work leaving all the strange feelings and all worries at home.

I know it will manifest soon...Pale said I am not good at lying. But I beg to disagree. 😁 ✌

Been moving a lot while at the office. Divert it!

When Pale and I conversed through Lync, I felt I just found a brother to cry on to. I felt like I am helpless and though he's annoying with his sarcastic comments, i know he just want me to feel better.

He's been giving me all these accommodations so as not to think of my worries. He offered me his presence and his time. That's more than enough. Thanks Pale, for being there. I will feel better. 👊

One of the perks of being friends with Pale is that, he remembers what you're craving for. HEHEHE! So in case you forgot what you want to eat, you ask Pale and he will remember it. But I still think it's in a case to case basis. 😜

☑ Grilled food. 🍡🍢

😍 I am feeling better now!!!

Went home with Pale and Niknik. Pale had some reservations on his mind. He is bothered by the thought that they cannot hang out in my house anymore because Cholo will be there and Mady will be there also. That I only have until Friday to seize everything! Which is true..and that worries me. Not that I cannot go out or hang out anymore..but the thought of Cholo in my house feeling the ruler of all makes me wanna throw up! 😝

Anyway, we watched movies, laugh out loud and sleep with nothing in my head but HEY I AM OK!!! 🙌 Hooray! Seize the moment. Be happy while you still can.

😵 I don't know if I was just dreaming or something but I felt a peck on my lips or something. 🌛😏 Whether it's true or not, I am really feeling better.

[misdymeanor]

Day46. Another TGIF!

Everyone's waiting for this day of the week. It's that day of the week when you can be awake til the wee hours of the morning, sleep late without having to worry that you have work on the following day.

Haaaah! Thank God It's Friday!

There's this ambiguous plan of having a drinking session after work. A supposed to be "goodbye" party for one of our colleagues.

I am wondering where would be the venue for today...I am sure Pale will not propose Wild. That egoistic side of him and he knows that.

So there we are in the limbo on where to go... Bamboo vs. Wild. Pale swallowed his pride and agreed on going to Wild. But unfortunately, since we are too early, the effin establishment isn't open yet. And that Cecil biatch just crossed the line..talking shit! I am furious. 😠 But I will not lower my standards just to have a piece of her. I am just so pissed off that I couldn't contain myself I had to walk away and breathe a little..hoosah! She'll pay...oh she will!

Anyway, we ended up drinking at Reynaldo's. A new-creepy-place. But it's cheap. We hate the sound system (speakers and mic) but it will do...for now! Around 10pm we finished drinking and decided to bar hop.

One place I promised I will never go back...Exclusive. But there I was, dancing on the dance floor with Pale and friends. I decided I'll just enjoy the moment..Enjoy everything while it lasts. 😪 I don't want to hear those letters again.. O A.

While everyone's enjoying the night, there I was sitting in the corner..doing Facebook. I am deadly-tired. Toes and back are aching. I wanna go home. But Pale is so insistent he wanted to stay a couple of hours more and drink some more beer..I am a little dizzy with the drinks and the lights and maybe I am just tired. It's been a roller coaster of emotion week. But then again, we are getting by.

I can't stand Pale's trashy mouth. God! It's not evil-ish, but it's trashy. A girl would dance and twerk and grind and he would say Oh shit sarap! Perv??? Why can't he just keep it to himself. I think he wanted me to hear it. But for what? He doesn't have to prove me anything..I've heard and seen enough. If it's all talk and no action, well...isn't that too childish of him? Seriously, I will not tolerate my guy friends to eat some random girls (literally or figuratively speaking) in front of me. That's yuck! Sucker for meat. I'd rather have them do that somewhere else..but not in front of me. And don't expect to get the same respect I have for you if you do that..

The more I am friends with these guys, especially you Pale...I am creating several negative images of men in my head that wouldn't convince me to get into any relationship at the moment.

ARE THERE ANY DECENT GENTLEMEN LEFT IN THE WORLD?! WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU ALL IN A TRAFFIC OR WHAT? WERE YOU ALL STRANDED? I AM FUCKING WAITING HERE!!! DAMN IT!

Went home with Pale and Niknik. God I missed them! 😢 I know! I know! I know! I am clingy!!! Fine! I'll let them go...with a heavy heart. That is. But before that, there's still one thing I want to do...

CARPE DIEM! 😘

[misdymeanor]

Day45. Get by.

Mornings are the hardest part of my daily routine right now. But I am getting there, getting used to it. Had a sumptuous breakfast. I had coffee. And I did finished it this time. I smoke and I was doing fine. 😁😔

Prepared for work with a positive and good vibes...Haaaah! Breather!

Nothing to do much at work. Again, a simple good morning from Pale is enough. Second day of our new beginning. We are getting by.

I am wondering what could've happened if I decided not to stay long that February 14? What if I went home early? Oh well, the answer is very clear...stop wondering What if's, What could've been's. Everything happens for a reason, it may not be clear now, but it will be very obvious soon.

I am bored. Friday, your near but yet so far!

Went home watched TV and sleep. Nothings new, but I am getting by.

[misdymeanor]

Day44. Get use to it!

Morning strikes again. Silence is every where. I have to get used to this, or else I'd breakdown! 😜 Kidding! I turned the TV on. Pretend I'm with someone. Oh I just wished Mady's here. I need a diversion. 😢

I tried having coffee for breakfast then smoke. Damn! Never get used to drinking coffee alone. Wasn't able to finish it.

Went to work. Alone. This is masochism. Endure! Endure! 🔪

A good morning message from Pale is enough. ✉ We're starting over again! Let's begin then..

The hardest part to do is to pretend you just know someone who was once so close to you. 😐

When I started this journal, I wanted to write and be reminded of our every day journey as a friend or what ever you call it. Everyday we have something to share. Everyday discovery. Everyday there is something new.

This is new. We, strangers again. That's new! 😌

[misdymeanor]

Day43. Aftermath.

That 5 second rebound thing is taking its stall.

I can sense somethings bothering Pale. Whatever it is, for the first time, I don't wanna know.

We are having this awkward-silence-treatment thing. What happened to us? We are supposed to be friends.. 😐 Or maybe we were never friends since the beginning. Am I feeding my mind with lies? Our minds are not on the same page, aren't we?!

It pains me to see us like this..I just hope and pray that we remain the same, less the benefits..we have agreed that several times already. Every time have that arrangement, I am putting 100% trust in him...like what he asked me to.

After working hours, I went home. By myself. Alone. Silence is killing me.

I watched several movies just to tire my eyes and mind not to think about me being alone. I want to fall asleep asap! Tomorrow's a new day. It's going to be a dreadful one though...having to endure this..God! I hate being alone! Turn that music on!!! 📻 🔊

Thoughts have been occupying my mind and its making me low.

I missed our before-going-to-bed-conversation.

I missed how we exchange each others views.

I missed how we ditch each other.

I missed sharing the pillow and the quilt.

I missed how he forced me to embrace him before going to sleep.

I missed how he comfortably rests his legs on my mine.

I missed his armpit. 😁 That manly scent of him or maybe it's the deo. 😜

I missed the way he kisses my forehead, out of nowhere and without malice.

I missed my friend.

I missed him.

😢

[misdymeanor]

Day42. 5 Sec. rebound.

Work mode on. 👓

While waiting for the day to end..I had to make myself busy. There's this negative energy that's been pulling me since last night...and I hate the feeling. Good vibes!

Pale sent me a message with all this realizations again. He's at his low point. That 5 seconds rebound. He's been telling me he feels guilty. He cheats and all and he wants to stop. At some point I felt guilty also and it came from nowhere but I just had to say I'm sorry. In law we call it contributory negligence. You are not that guilty but you are still liable.

Since the day he said he left his partner, it doesn't matter to me at all. When he said he has three (3) kids, it kind off melted my heart a bit, ' coz it's hard to bring up a child with no known father. I pitied his partner/wife. I've said that several times to Pale. That's why I promised myself I will try to renew this person. But again it didn't bothered me. After several days of closeness he admitted he's with his partner again. I don't know the reason why he kept it from me before. But nevertheless it didn't bothered me at all. He mentioned the reason why he left his partner before and I can still remember it... She still loves her ex. I saw it. I caught her. It crushed my heart when I heard that. Because for a man to say that is really a big deal..i mean to accept that fact? That's even harder to admit...But I never brought that topic ever again..I never asked him to tell me about it..or was it even true..I've heard enough. And whatever he told me will remain as a secret.

We didn't have a pact for that matter, but for friendship to work, there must be enough trust.

Eventually, while I was trying to help him to be a better person, I never thought I would realized that I was "that" reason why he can't be changed. And it made me realized that yes, Pale is right when he said Iba na 'to...hindi na 'to mag kaibigan lang. Because if continue being so close, everything may developed into something..if you know what I mean.

For everything that we've through, since day one (1) I never thought or felt that what we had was wrong. I don't even have to convince everyone even myself that what we are doing is wrong. Maybe because I've conditioned my mind that my intentions were very clear from the beginning..I am only a friend. I can only be a friend. I can only do so much. That what I am giving is because I am a friend. And that's how I am.

This is not an ordinary friendship Pale. You know that. You've said that to me several times already. Somehow, this is a test...and I need to do it for myself. A test on how far can I endure everything. But ultimately, this is my test on how far can I not involve my emotions on this kind of situation. And for what's it worth, I did passed my own test..

There were times I have to admit, that yes, it is not the "friendship feeling" i felt. It's different. But I succeeded in controlling it. Don't brush your ego too much Pale, I never felt guilty with your situation because I never involved my emotions. On your part is a different story. And you that's your battle. There were times when I did, it made me feel guilty.

After working hours, Pale invited me for some booze with his cousin from his mother side. We met. Hi hello's. Hang out. Chitchat. Fun. New faces. New attitude.

Going home, Niknik, Pale and I were all tipsy and kind off drunk. We ate at KFC and Pale was like You were hitting on my cousin. You like him. Feel na feel mo. And I'm like what is wrong with this person. What happened to that 5 seconds rebound. Is that jealousy I am hearing!? Nothings gonna change for him. I'll just have to keep my distance. It's for the best.

I hope. 😩 Our journey will continue.