❝ because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer ❞ ✦ 1-25/50
* treated as individual q's as opposed to asked in linear order
Q1! how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
A1! physically . . . i would think i’m still young but i know i’m not as energetic as i used to be. (* she crinkles her nose, aware that it’s a lackluster diet and sleep she’ll never catch up on with a trainee schedule that keeps her from feeling so but signing with kt was a choice she’d make every day despite knowing now what it’s done, what it does, what she hopes to do ) yet i’m still immature, still learning so much. so, i mean logically, i would still think i’m under 25 because my frontal lobe is obviously still not fully developed (* it’s her roundabout way of saying she’s still making idiotic or crazy decisions but at least they’re hers, at least she’s still young enough to make more of herself ) a lot of it depends on who i’m with too . . . with some people, i’m still a kid. on my own, i like to think i’m a little older because i need to be. aren’t things naturally like that?
Q2! which is worse, failing or never trying?
A2! never trying. (* there’s not a second of hesitation, she knows the answer before the question is complete, an adamant, sure nod of her head accompanying a confident tone ) if i fail, i can keep trying. never trying is full of what-if’s and, ugh, that feeling is so much worse than failing. i want to do things prepared to fail and stand up again so when i succeed — because i believe i will god do i want to believe i will — it’s all that more amazing (* and her eyes light up, a glimmer in them as if she’s in awe because she imagines the moment she speaks of, tries to hold it capture, releasing it with a curl of her lips ) if you never try, how can you ever feel proud of yourself? i want that. i want to be proud of myself. i think everybody needs it
Q3! if life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
A3! (* prods her inner cheek with her tongue, a brow arching slightly as she wonders where to start first with this question. there’s so many possible answers but one sticks out most to her so the words filter out softly, genuinely, fingers combing through dark tresses as she nods ) we do things we don’t like out of fear of losing what matters . . . and like so many things we don’t do because it’s different, like we like the things we don’t do maybe because we can’t. like admiration? i don’t even know if that makes sense but i know that if we did everything we like . . . it wouldn’t be as special
Q4! when it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
A4! (* crinkles her nose, not entirely content with her answer ) it’s likely. i used to be more like, i think. i don’t want to continue to be. but i talk so much, i think i’m kinda stuck this way. (* laughs, ivory sinking into the plushness of her lower tip, head tilting as she nods ) i’ll always have said more than i’ve done. i don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. i want what i say sometimes to matter as much as what i do. yes, actions speak louder than words but sometimes there are some words people want — or have — to hear
Q5! what is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
A5! womens’ clothing sizes from hell. why do men have a more basic standard but womens’ clothing is all over the place? (* she sighs, head shaking as she crosses her arms, the distraught hue in her eyes dulling as she grows serious ) hate? judgment? i’d say i would rid the world of such useless emotions but it’s not possible. if anything, i’d want to lessen the severity people feel it with but (* continues to shake her head, brows furrowing as lips begin to curl downwards ) it wouldn’t change a damn thing and that just makes me feel more sad. what could i actually change without fucking up the world more than it already is? i wouldn’t change anything because . . . it wouldn’t change in the end. i don’t want to be naive to think i can change the whole world but i can at least change mine. maybe i can help others but that’s about it
Q6! if happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
A6! singing. (* an answer she doesn’t have to consider in order to give ) i’d want to sing. (* it says so much when she can’t speak, when she doesn’t have the words, even when she does but doesn’t have the strength or courage to say them ) any of my hobbies, too like baking. i mean, talking could even be work for me because talking to certain people makes me so happy. can you still call anything work at that point?
Q7! are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
A7! i think i’m doing what i believe in because where i am is working towards what i want to do as a career. i don’t think it’s settling to be a trainee right now (* shrugs lightly with one shoulder, gaze dropping as she debates the question. what exactly would be settling anyway — ) i don’t think i’m the type to settle. if i’m no longer happy, i try to take myself out of a situation. it might take some time . . . but i’m sure of that. i don’t settle. i want what i want
Q8! if the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
A8! i wouldn’t. i still want to be where i am (* she’s quite sure of herself, resolve unwavering as she answers though she supposes it’s not fair given that she doesn’t feel certain she would make it past 40 anyway. there’s always that chance that she wishes she could ignore, but it looms over her from time to time ) i’m happy where i am right now. i’m content with my life. there’s ups and downs because it’s natural no matter what but i wouldn’t live any part of it differently (* the only exception she can think of is wanting to be able to express her feelings more easily but it wouldn’t change even if she wanted to; it’s how she is )
Q9! to what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
A9! a lot? hm . . . to as much as i can control? (* ivory drags across a plush tier, eyes clouded over as she contemplates the decisions that brought her to where she is ) i made the decisions i could make. i don’t know what degree that would mean for a specific answer but i take responsibility for the choices i’ve made
Q10! are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
A10! can i say both? (* the perfectionist side of her wants to say ‘doing things right’ and even her wavering morals are steady enough to tempt her to say ‘doing the right things’ ) don’t you sometimes need one for the other— if you’re moral, then if you do the right things, then you’re doing them right by your own standards. if you’re doing things right by your own standards, to you that’s doing the right thing. everything is just . . . blurred lines but (* shrugs, shaking her head with a light sigh ) i think what matters is which one makes you happy. i don’t think i always doing things right or do the right things but, at the very least, i’m happy right now
Q11! you’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. they all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. the criticism is distasteful and unjustified. what do you do?
A11! if it’s unjustified, i’d tell them to stop— (* frowns rather visibly, the expression settling upwards, even up to the furrow of her brows as she shakes her head ) i don’t know . . . if they’re friends i respect and admire, i just can’t see them criticizing someone distastefully and to do so when it’s unjustified. then they wouldn’t be the friends i respect and admire, right? but if i had to choose for some reason (* and she says it that way with such emphasis because the whole concept baffles her ) i’d tell them to change the topic or i’d leave. i don’t have time to waste during lunch on a regular day anyway
Q12! if you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
A12! smile. smile. smile until you physically can’t. be so happy you can’t handle it. (* pauses, amusement flickering in warm hues as she crinkles her nose ) what counts as 'only one’ piece of advice? there’s so much to say . . . i always say too much or say nothing at all and it’s normally the wrong thing no matter which way i go but i mean, one thing i want emily to grow up knowing is ‘know you are loved and that you deserve happiness.’ i want that for her so much
Q13! would you break the law to save a loved one?
A13! yes, that’s not even a question to me. no, really, that’s all i have to say. i’d do anything if someone i love was in danger — oh, and i don’t need recognition for it. i don’t want recognition for anything like that, to be honest (* the wistfulness in her eyes obviously reveals that she has more to say. she was wrong — it’s a bad habit of hers. to claim to have nothing to say only to recall something at the last moment ) i just like seeing someone i love happy. i always . . . (* she trails off, a question she asked someone recently coming to mind ) feeling as if you hurt someone is so exhausting. there’s someone i love that even if he wasn’t in danger, if i had to break the law to make him happy, i would. i’d do it in the heartbeat i never told him belonged to him before. but i think we’re both happy now in our own ways and god that’s been a long time coming. oh— and yay, no law breaking necessary for it!
Q14! have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
A14! yes, always. everywhere like, um, one of those jackson pollock paintings. a messy kitchen. entertainment variety shows — any tv show these days to be honest. a little insanity is what makes things beautiful (* she laughs, shaking her head ) sanity is not what makes people happy. you want that delirious sort of joy, right?
Q15! what’s something you know you do differently than most people?
A15! i don’t know. nothing, to be honest? i feel like this question is more so . . . asking if i think i’m that different from most people and the truth is i’m not. (* taking a deep breath, inhale, exhale, she tucks loose strands behind her ear, the light shake of her head almost undoing the result of one of her most common gestures ) it’s kind of a wonderful but horrible truth at the same time, isn’t it? we’re all not so different so we can fiind common ground, find understanding in some other human being when we spend so much time wanting not to be truly alone in the world but deep down, it means we’re not all that special. ah . . . i guess that’s why it matters so much to find someone you’re special to, right? i want to be special to myself.
Q16! how come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
A16! because i push everyone away. because i don’t allow myself to be happy most of the time. because i fell apart five years ago and god i’m barely picking up the pieces properly now. aw, where to start . . . (* laughs, shaking her head ) because i’m me. because i’m stubborn as fuck. because what’s right for me isn’t right for someone else. (* her laugh is more incredulous now ) but you know what? (* incredulous but accepting ) i finally accept that. i can want what i want.
Q17! what one thing have you not done that you really want to do? what’s holding you back?
A17! GETTING. A. TATTOO. (* groans softly, burying her face in her hands, dark tresses falling forward with the exaggeration motion ) ah — well, for one i can’t decide exactly what i want and i’m also afraid of irritating it because of where i want it to be. i think taking care of it afterwards scares me a little and it’s still considered . . . uh, not so much taboo but controversial?
Q18! are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
A18! whoever isn’t should teach me how — but yes, i’m holding onto something i need to let go of. (* crinkles her nose lightly, her hair gently flipped back and gaze lacking focus before she finds a center in the words she has next ) i’m working on it. i go to therapy sometimes
Q19! if you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
A19! i would move back to california. i already considered it when i last went home. i would go for my niece, for my sister, for my father. for family. i was going to say leo too but he travels so much that he’s mostly closer to korea than he is to california when i get the chance to talk to him. i don’t know what i’d really do. i mean — i would still sing but i don’t think i could be a youtube artist like kina grannis. i absolutely adore her. maybe i’d travel for a bit. live in san francisco for a while . . . live in la . . . visit the east coast? it’d be really nice to relax and sing whenever i want — though i still love it now. the pressure is obviously different
Q20! do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
A20! i — (* coughs awkwardly ) um . . . is it weird if it depends on my mood? i don’t think it makes anything faster but it helps me feel better? isn’t that why most people do anything? if i’m impatient, the elevator won’t go faster but at least i can try to relieve how anxious i feel
Q21! would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
A21! a joyful simpleton — worrying makes you age, you know, and life is so short. why worry so much?
A22! i don’t want to be anyone else.
Q23! have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
A23! no — well, it depends on who. i mean, for some of my friends, i think i’ve been good to them . . . (* trails off, can barely manage a smile because of the truth on the tip of her tongue ) to some, i could be so much better. they deserve much better. but i’m getting tried of . . . living in the past and could’ve or should’ve. i did so much of it for the past few years
Q24! which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
A24! when . . . you lose touch with a good friend who lives right near you. (* her voice falters, is weak, ivory tugging at a rosy petal and she exhales heavily, shakes her head ) at least you can try and fault the other on distance. but when they’re close to you . . . a lot of responsibility falls on you. i’ve lost touch with a lot of friends, i don’t claim to be innocent when it comes to that (* crinkles her nose ) i’m slowly getting better. improvement and forgiveness is all i can really ask for
Q25! what are you most grateful for?
A25! my family and friends. being alive. singing. being in kt. being where i am right here and now.
