❝ because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer ❞ (cont.) ✦ 26-50/50 * treated as individual q’s as opposed to asked in linear order
Q26! would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
A26! i’d rather lose all of my old memories. i would hope that those close to me would be patient and understanding about it (* nods lightly, tongue sweeping over her lower lip ) i could learn about my past through the eyes of others — it sounds really interesting and i don’t know; i just have faith that my memories would be gone but what i felt would still be there somewhere. like i can look at someone and know, i’ll just know, they meant something to me. it’s like . . . how the mind can lie but the heart can’t? and i really don’t . . . i don’t want to live in the past anymore. i can’t imagine not being able to make new memories. i want to be able to see emily grow up
Q27! is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
A27! depends on who or what you’re dealing with. if it’s someone you’re honest with and you’re honest with them, you can know the truth without challenging it (* she nods, someone in mind as she speaks ) but if you’re both honest, you wouldn’t have to challenge the truth either so a lot of it depends on you too. how honest you are and all
Q28! has your greatest fear ever come true?
A28! (* if she had spoken right then and there, her voice would’ve cracked. she might’ve stuttered because yes, the answer is definitely yes. someone she loves has died. she lost someone. she hurt someone she loves just the same and the result leaves her feeling more empty than she had wanted ) yes, it has (* a simple answer for what is so complicated for her ) but i think i want to be brave now
Q29! do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? does it really matter now?
A29! (* the words hit too close to home. five years ago she was still upset over her mother. it’s been five years and it still hurts. still upsets her. so of course it matters but she wishes it didn’t, wishes she could move on but she doesn't think it’s possible. it’s not something you fully get over but you live with it ) it does. but i don’t want it to stop me anymore
Q30! what is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
A30! i was bullied when i was little — girls can be so mean. and i was really young like there shouldn’t be bullies at that age, like how do you even know how to bully when you’re that young. i mean, there shouldn’t be bullies at any age but anyway, i was teased a lot (* she scoffs in disbelief because it’s exactly why she has more guy friends now and back then ) but i didn’t tell anyone. i didn’t tell anyone but somehow my mom knew and she got me ready for school like it was any other day but she turned away from the school, drove off and told me we were taking a day off. i don’t remember everything but we spent the day together and i felt so special that i forgot about those girls. i think that’s why my mom did it and if it wasn’t, it was still the best day
Q31! at what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
A31! uh— no comment.
Q32! if not now, then when?
A32! when i’m ready?
Q33! if you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
A33! i’ve already lost a lot but ah— my contract. i . . . someone recently argued with me a lot on that, because of how protective i am of it, of keeping a clean image. i’m female. guys can possibly recover but girls can’t. it’s such bullshit but i can’t change that
Q34! have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
A34! i have. not everything needs words.
Q35! why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
A35! because religions have opposing beliefs or make opposing decisions in how to support love
Q36! is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
A36! no. there’s always more than one side to everything. even moral and immoral isn’t set in stone
Q37! if you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
A37! no. money isn’t why i love singing (* laughs, as if the notion is ridiculous and, to her, it mostly is ) i’d be able to do more though. i’d probably help my sister pay off her house. send my dad on vacation for once . . . travel myself, maybe? i don’t know but i wouldn’t quit
Q38! would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
A38! more work. if i truly enjoy it, it doesn’t really feel like work. right? (* frowns slightly ) having less work to do isn’t enjoyable unless it’s something you really dislike but even then . . . i like being busy sometimes as much as i enjoy relaxing
Q39! do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
A39! sometimes i do, sometimes i feel like every day is different and i feel so alive.
Q40! when was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
A40! when i confessed of everything i’ve done? when you finally tell someone the truth . . . it definitely feels like walking into the dark
Q41! if you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
A41! my family. i— i don’t really want to answer this. am i supposed to be alive while they die the next day?
Q42! would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
A42! no, never (* crinkles her nose in distaste. she already doesn’t have that much hope for her life expectancy ) how can either of those give you a rich life? i’d rather have more time
Q43! what is the difference between being alive and truly living?
A43! (* lips part to answer but she has nothing. not a singular syllable to offer and she sighs, brows furrowing as she considers it ) being happy, feeling pain. not feeling numb
Q44! when is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
A44! when you stop feeling like you’re alive?
Q45! if we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
A45! because even if we learn from it, it doesn’t alter the fact that it changed things. (* sighs, brows furrowing and a slight wrinkle of her forehead ) we’re afraid of change more than the mistake
Q46! what would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
A46! i guess i’d go out more and that’s just a guess, really. i’d be more open. more honest. i wouldn’t have to hide anything but that kind of notion is just a fantasy. everything and everybody is judged
Q47! when was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
A47! a-ha, um, every time i sing and can’t reach a note? other than that, no comment.
Q48! what do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
A48! singing. emily. the rest of my family, maybe. (* she laughs, only having added the ‘maybe’ in jest ) my friends. i love a lot of things and never say it. i only have actions and even those aren’t always right (* she nods, smile barely slight compared to when she had been laughing moments before ) but i think some of my recent actions show my love for singing, for emily. even if it’s just a little bit
Q49! in 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? what about the day before that or the day before that?
A49! not on a daily basis? (* she laughs, shakes her head because wow what a way to think about it. it’s a good point. in five years, so much won’t matter and it reminds her that some things are just a matter of time ) but i only really want to remember the important things. little things. big things. how i felt. how remembering those makes me feel in five years
Q50! decisions are being made right now. the question is: are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
A50! both. i make my own decisions but ultimately, at work at least, decisions are made for me. i could always leave if i wanted so, in a way, it’s still my decision. i almost did decide to leave. i missed everything about my old life. i missed the kids at smile. i missed my co-workers at elysium. i missed having a certain amount of freedom but it was mostly nostalgia. i’d miss kt too if i had left. i’d miss the people, the training, even the long hours and extra practice because it’s still my dream and it’s still a dream i chase for my mother