#554th

[fucking-stupid-boy]

GUYS-

STC REFERENCEEE AAAAAAAA

[winds--of--change]

No.554

Note found on iPhone: It's half past five on a windy Tuesday. I skipped running exercise today, sitting alone in front of a window glass in Hawaiian Pancake House and spending money for food instead. I can't describe my feelings at the moment. I just know I'm pretty too unmotivated to follow things according to daily plans. I have errands to do and tasks to finish: washing clothes and dishes which have been piled up disgustingly for over a week now, I need wash my hair, it's so  greasy and like a super snowy forest, I need open Mizuho account, buying some stuffs and electric heater to prepare for Sis QA's sleepover (how utterly regretful I have been feeling now for being so hospital on a whim, I kinda not feeling like hosting anyone any longer). Some daily tasks must be done just to take care of my self, yet I'm just too lazy and unmotivated to finish any nor do anything productive...

The emptiness probably simply results from chronic depression caused by upcoming menstruation. My mind got stuck with negativity and petty thoughts again. It doesn't help at all when, after a while, I have to encounter both Tina and Monique again. We are ignorant of each other now, which is probably for the best. However that's exactly why the atmosphere has some weirdness in it, and it got into me, as usual, for I'm easily prone to absorb the surroundings. I'm glad, very glad though, that I ended school today not with the presence of them as the last thing happening to me today. As I met Eastern Star at elevator entrance in building 10 before leaving school, and her liveliness as well as warmth and fun have passed onto me, making my day :)

She invited me to dinner at her place sometimes in December, around School Holidays, she said she would cook for me. Her sweetness has brightened up my mood and made me feel like 'hmm no matter what, at the end, something beautiful and nice will always appear, ending a day with such optimism and hopeful attitude for better and kinder future!' because someone like Tina couldn't ruin my day in the end, for I am always surrounded by goodness and good-vibe people after all, no matter what. I think how fast Eastern Star has shown up right after the encounter with Tina after not seeing her in a while again proves how quickly I could come back to Light, and stop straying off into darkness for long. In any case, I'm no longer lost and trapped in Tina's sad world. It seems like the Sun is really protecting me truly well.

I just need to carry on. Carry on.

Tomorrow is another day working in Japanese restaurant. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all actually lol ah but well, think about it, I have nothing to lose. I already got the worst, making worst mistakes last week. Might as well just chilled, whatever be will be. Just know it couldn't be worse than what already happened, and I guess I could go through tomorrow shift just fine.

After all, yeah, I have nothing to lose and to fear any longer. I also have nothing to be embarrassed and shy for. Because all most embarrassing moments have just occurred, and all fears have always already been there, at present, anyway.

All I have to do is, just to keep going.

Even if you crawl, crawl to the very end. Doesn't matter about the speed, about the result, about what others judge you and think about you. Because what matters most is the process. Just focus on it.

Everything else is secondary.