#6:12am

[hyuuukais]

morning

[hyuuukais]

ok, i'm awake now, for real this time

[eynibee]

Pagod na ako sa ganitong eksena nang buhay ko. Ikaw nanaman nasa panaginip ko at ang trauma na ibinigay mo.

[mindyourmorsels]

someone I was good friends with and I went to middle school with moved in with me and we share a room so masturbating is not an option and i’m not gonna lie that bothers me ..do I have an issue? maybe. does this situation stress me out? yes. You know what I usually do when I’m stressed? masturbate

[cheng-a-leng]

Don't get involved. Nobody would understand you. They won't love you. They'll leave. Stop trying.

You're so used to the sadness that you don't want to try loving again. You'll stop yourself before it gets too late.

You've experienced more pain than love that hurting has become your comfort.

[zyin]

Okay I've been awake in bed for over 70min, time to get up boi

[nonblooming]

i don’t think i slept a minute and i’m still hearing bone breaks in cracked joints and i’m sick beyond belief

[fireandsky-blog]

I have been so depressed for the last week or two. It hasn’t really been related to my transition besides the same old frustration, but tonight I’ve been agonising over transsexual(/gender)ism as a concept. The thing is, I sometimes have a hard time seeing it as legitimate.

Occasionally I’ll stumble across a radfem blog and I’ll find myself agreeing with some of the notions they put forward regarding this subject. I start to think that it’s not real, that we’re misguided and chasing dreams born of a mental illness, but at the same time I can’t help but believe myself to be a man. Me being a girl or a woman is unfathomable to me, but I start to nod along to the notion of transgender people being misguided and wrong, it makes sense to me, and then I remember that I’m one of them and I don’t know what to believe.

I’ve noticed that these thoughts only come up when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. Self doubt/hatred and over-thinking are things that I struggle with a lot in general when I’m depressed, I know this, but this inner conflict is still causing me a lot of stress that I just don’t have the capacity to deal with when I’m in such a dark place.

I keep thinking about how I wouldn’t have to figure any of this out or hold on to any more stress if I just ended it all. It seems like such a simple, attractive solution. Good news is that I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I might try meds again or something.

P.s. I’ve been on T for a bit over 4 weeks now. No new changes.