[fireandsky-blog]

Yesterday I went to my endocrinologist to go over the results of the blood test I got to measure my testosterone levels. She told me that while my current levels are high for a female, they would still be considered very low for a male. This makes sense because I've been on quite a low dose of testosterone (for nearly 2 months now, I think), but the dose has now been doubled. We also discussed the possibility of switching to injections as apposed to the daily transdermal solution I'm currently using. I'm keen to make the change, as the injections only need to be done every 3 months and the transdermal solution can be messy and hard to keep up with daily when I'm having a hard time. She said that I should stay on the transdermal type until I reach male testosterone levels, then I can make the switch. Despite all this progress, my depression persists. I had a couple of good days but I'm sinking back again. I feel hopeless, like I'm never going to be the man I envision myself to be. Being a transsexual male and not a natal one doesn't feel good enough, but I also can't live as a female. This isn't the only thing driving my depression, but it is a big factor. I wish I could enjoy the wonderful opportunities I'm so lucky to have. There are people who would kill to start HRT but still I can't be happy. I just don't want to feel all this anymore.

[fireandsky-blog]

5 weeks on testosterone. No major changes, but I’ve got a bit more hair on my belly and chest. I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid but I think I’m also experiencing slightly more hair fall than usual. I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in a couple of weeks, so I might ask what my options are in the event my hair starts getting too thin.

My depression has been awful. A few days ago I saw the psychiatrist that gave me approval to start T and he prescribed me a mood stabiliser. I don’t like this psychiatrist enough to keep seeing him long-term, so I’ll be going to my follow-up with him in 2 weeks and then finding another one. I really need some help, things aren’t looking good. It’s nothing new, I’ve been here before, but I really can’t live like this anymore.

[fireandsky-blog]

Oh, but I did actually get some paperwork things done. I updated my details at Centrelink and the RTA, so I should be getting a new healthcare card and drivers license with the correct name soon.

[fireandsky-blog]

5 weeks on testosterone. No major changes, but I've got a bit more hair on my belly and chest. I'm not sure if I'm just paranoid but I think I'm also experiencing slightly more hair fall than usual. I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in a couple of weeks, so I might ask what my options are in the event my hair starts getting too thin. My depression has been awful. A few days ago I saw the psychiatrist that gave me approval to start T and he prescribed me a mood stabiliser. I don't like this psychiatrist enough to keep seeing him long-term, so I'll be going to my follow-up with him in 2 weeks and then finding another one. I really need some help, things aren't looking good. It's nothing new, I've been here before, but I really can't live like this anymore.

[mr-cappadocia]

So what are your thoughts on transsexuals, are they really the opposite gender or insane.

I’m about as cis as they get so the opinion I’m presenting to you is derived exclusively from observation… so take from it what you will.

Think of biological sex (i.e. the penis, vagina, uterus, testes, etc) in the same way one would computer hardware.

Think of gender (i.e. female, male, whatever else the kids are calling themselves these days) as the operating system.

Transexuals are the PCs with a Mac operating system, and vice versa.

They aren’t “insane”, they’re a group of people who have been given the instinctual instruction manual generally reserved for people with bits they do not have.

Though it’s possible some people are simply caught up in the concept of it and have romanticized it (which could be considered a form of mental illness), I believe the overwhelming majority of transexuals are people that have been given the “operating system” typically reserved for someone of the opposite sex and are thus genuine in what they say.

That they feel as though their gender differs from the biological sex they were born with.

[fireandsky-blog]

I have been so depressed for the last week or two. It hasn’t really been related to my transition besides the same old frustration, but tonight I’ve been agonising over transsexual(/gender)ism as a concept. The thing is, I sometimes have a hard time seeing it as legitimate.

Occasionally I’ll stumble across a radfem blog and I’ll find myself agreeing with some of the notions they put forward regarding this subject. I start to think that it’s not real, that we’re misguided and chasing dreams born of a mental illness, but at the same time I can’t help but believe myself to be a man. Me being a girl or a woman is unfathomable to me, but I start to nod along to the notion of transgender people being misguided and wrong, it makes sense to me, and then I remember that I’m one of them and I don’t know what to believe.

I’ve noticed that these thoughts only come up when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. Self doubt/hatred and over-thinking are things that I struggle with a lot in general when I’m depressed, I know this, but this inner conflict is still causing me a lot of stress that I just don’t have the capacity to deal with when I’m in such a dark place.

I keep thinking about how I wouldn’t have to figure any of this out or hold on to any more stress if I just ended it all. It seems like such a simple, attractive solution. Good news is that I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I might try meds again or something.

P.s. I’ve been on T for a bit over 4 weeks now. No new changes.

[fireandsky-blog]

I don't feel like doing a big update, but I've just surpassed 3 weeks on testosterone and I'm currently having the worst shark week of my life. Feeling very tired and sore, bit depressed, but doing alright.

[fireandsky-blog]

Just surpassed 2 weeks on testosterone. Some slight changes:

- A bit more chest and belly hair - Small amount of lower growth - Voice feels more rumbly in my chest. Not a lot of change sound-wise though - Libido has evened out from that initial peak, but still higher than it was before testosterone

Feeling pretty positive and motivated. 👍

[fireandsky-blog]

Oh, and I got my new Medicare card in the mail with the correct name. Good times.

[fireandsky-blog]

Just surpassed 2 weeks on testosterone. Some slight changes: - A bit more chest and belly hair - Small amount of lower growth - Voice feels more rumbly in my chest. Not a lot of change sound-wise though - Libido has evened out from that initial peak, but still higher than it was before testosterone Feeling pretty positive and motivated. 👍

[fireandsky-blog]

Today was my 7th day on testosterone. There's obviously not much to note this early on, but with that said I can definitely tell that my hormonal makeup is changing. First of all, my libido has increased. It's not crazy high, but pretty noticeable at times; it's similar to how I felt as a teenager going through puberty. I expect there's more of this to come. Secondly is anger. I'm pretty prone to becoming agitated normally, so I did expect some of this. It's not too bad (yet?) and it's not constant, I've just found it takes a bit less to get me pissed off. I've also been getting pretty agitated in the boredom sense, quite restless. Again, this is all just like puberty. Lastly, my skin is slightly oilier. It's not a problem yet, just a couple extra spots, but I'm definitely bracing myself for it to get worse. All in all, I am happier than I've been in years and very excited for my changes to continue.

[fireandsky-blog]

Today was my third day on testosterone. Obviously there's not much to note physically, but with that said, I could swear there's been a tiny bit of change below the belt... Anyway, I experienced a fair bit of anxiety last night. I worry, and I worry about being worried because I don't know how much worry is normal in this situation. Then I feel conflicted about whether or not I should be trying to ease that worry or not— I worry that I'm ignoring reason rather than blocking out unnecessary, irrational anxiety. So much worry. I'm just wish I could keep feeling the same way consistently so I'd know for sure what I should do. 95% of the time I'm just excited; I've wanted all this for so long and I'm so ready to start moving forward with my life. But, the other 5% of the time, I'm completely petrified that I'm making the wrong decision. I start thinking that I'm just stupid and fucked up, that my mind is playing tricks on me and I'm going to end up miserable because this isn't truly the path for me. If I was feeling scared 95% of the time I'd probably know for sure that this isn't right and I could just stop. But is feeling positive 95% of the time enough to conclude that I should continue? Which state of mind do I trust? The one where I feel like this is the best thing I've ever done for myself, the change I've been waiting for, or the one where I feel like I'm making a disastrous mistake? Right now, I'm sticking with the positive one. I think that is how I truly feel and the rest is my idiot brain misfiring anxiety just because a new thing is happening (as it is extremely prone to doing...). I think the real test will be when significant changes start rolling in. I have a feeling I'll love it and wonder why I ever doubted myself.

[all-things-gentlemen-blog]

Remember that even the worst times and situations always have a way of getting better eventually.

We are constantly changing, growing, adapting and learning, and you can stumble into new opportunities and circumstances at any moment. Sometimes even negative events end up changing things for the better. Sometimes you don’t even need an event, just a change within yourself, a realisation, an idea, a moment of inspiration.

If things aren’t okay yet, you’ve just got a bit more waiting to do. It might not be tomorrow, but one day you’ll get to where you’re meant to be and you’ll be so glad you held on.

[fireandsky-blog]

Tonight I had my first dose of testosterone. I felt very anxious in the hour or so preceding. I always let myself get really caught up in my self-doubt and worry... I think that's just how I am as a person at this point. It doesn't matter how sure I am of something, there will always be that part of me yelling about impending doom and whatnot. I do think I handled my anxiety well though. I decided to make a list of reasons why I should or should not go through with my first dose and it helped to put things into perspective- the "pro-testosterone" list was much longer and more coherent than the "anti-testosterone" one. I also had a chat with my mum and it really grounded me and put me at ease. It's a bit scary to snap back to reality and realise how much anxiety has skewed your thinking. As of right now I'm just back to being excited. I even bought myself a new camera today to document the process (privately).

[fireandsky-blog]

Tonight I sat down with my mum, my brother and his girlfriend for a game of poker and a conversation broke out about me beginning my medical transition. I really couldn’t ask for a more supportive family, they are excellent, but I was a little concerned about how little my brother in particular seems to understand what I go through.

It is without a doubt my fault that he doesn’t understand, so I don’t blame him. I don’t discuss my feelings very much with anyone and my brother and I aren’t really the “heart-to-heart” type of siblings anyway. He’s also only 18 years old, that doesn’t help either.

The thing I don’t think he grasps is why it’s essential for me to be the way I am, and I don’t like the idea of people thinking that I’m doing this lightly.

I’ve actually never described to him what dysphoria feels like- why I choose to sweat my ass off in a binder every day, why I can’t wear womens clothes despite them fitting my body best, why I can’t stand to be called his sister, why I feel the need to alter my hormonal makeup and undergo reconstructive surgery…

How bizarre must this all sound to him without knowing the discomfort and suffering behind it? Does he really support me, or is he just playing along because he loves me and it’s meant to be the right thing to do? If he was skeptical, would he ask questions?

I’m not sure. I might try to have a talk to him some time soon. I think even my mum and dad could use more details. We’ll see.

[fireandsky-blog]

Well it happened, I finally got my prescription for testosterone. It’s been a very emotional day and I’m exhausted, but so happy.

My endocrinologist decided to start me on Axiron, which is a gel that is absorbed through the skin (namely, your armpits) rather than injected into a muscle like other forms of testosterone. Her reasoning was that it’s easier to progressively increase my dose with the gel (I’m starting with a half dose).

The endo has also asked me to book myself in for a sleep study. This is because testosterone can worsen sleep apnea; I don’t have sleep apnea that I know of, but she wants to make sure. I also need to take a blood test in a month or so to test my hormone levels.

My family are taking this fairly well. They are naturally concerned for me, they want me to be happy and would hate to see me regret my decision, but they haven’t stood in my way and they’ve also given me some words of support. I had a conversation with my mum and brother that I want to write another post about.

Tomorrow I’ll go down to my local pharmacy to see about getting the Axiron ordered in. I doubt they have it in stock so hopefully they can get it fast.

The next thing I want to do is have my drivers license updated with my new name and hopefully have my sex listed as male. Things are happening and it’s very exciting.

[fireandsky-blog]

I just wrote a long post about my worries concerning the beginning of my medical transition, but it actually helped me to work through the anxiety and realise how irrational it was, so I feel a lot better now.

This anxiety has a habit of cropping up whenever I get close to taking a big step forward. I actually got nearly this close a year or two ago, but I chickened out and fell into a very long depressive episode. I wasted a lot of time and I regret it immensely- I just need to remember that and stay firm. I’m well and truly ready for a change.

[nbandtransmascblogging]

3 ½ years on T, 3 years post top surgery, and turning 55 in July 😳. It’s never too late.

<3

[iamyoursmoldad-deactivated20170]

This makes me so happy

[scum2000]

Never too late!!!!!

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

One day it just clicks… You realise what is important and what isn’t, you learn to care less about what other people think of you and care more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you have come and you remember thinking that things were such a mess they’d never recover and then you smile. You smile because your truly proud of the person you have fought to become.

Unknown (via sugarbeta)