Things have gotten a bit stagnant over the last week. Emotionally and mentally, not much has changed. I miss my ex-partner here and there but am generally moved on and content. This mysterious, unexplainable feeling of hope tied to them is still going strong, no matter how intensely I fight it with my current emotions and facts and logic. That hope still makes me feel like ripping my hair out if I think about it too much.
I'm talking to a lot of people from the dating app I'm on, and have met up with a couple of them. The first one was a painfully awkward hookup, while the second was pleasant and innocent, but still a bit awkward. I've been spending a lot of time this last week with friends, old and new, catching up, being productive, getting myself out and away, and generally taking care of myself and these relationships I have that are important to me.
My ex texted me a couple nights ago saying they've, "been missing [me] greatly lately!" I'm not sure how to feel about that text, even now, days after, having already responded ("Glad you're doing well dude"). A handful of my friends and myself think that they aren't as moved on as they previously expressed they were. One friend who is a mutual of my ex and I was with them at a last-minute hangout the night they texted me. During my conversation with this friend, they told me that my ex seemed more down throughout the night, less energetic. This friend also told me that the time my ex texted me would have been around the time everyone started to head home.
This feels like so much evidence that my ex isn't as moved on as they say they are. I'm not saying this because I don't want them to be moved on (though I admittedly don't want them to be completely, especially not this soon as it hasn't even been a month yet), but rather because it really doesn't seem like they are. The wording of the text being more intimate and up for interpretation, their general text tone in the brief conversation that followed being generally less casual than some conversations with them have been with me and other friends, them supposedly being visibly dejected the night they texted me, seeing them regularly be one of the first viewers of my social media stories, and a few other things that don't come to mind as clearly right now. Yes, I definitely could be looking into all of this too much, but I also spent the last year and a half very emotionally close to this person. I arguably was the person they were emotionally the closest to during that time, if ever.
At the end of the day, I don't know. They aren't being as transparent as they could be, and while I care a good bit, I don't care enough to ask for their intentions behind their wording or what they're really feeling. I'm at a point where yes, I miss them, and yes, I'd love for everything to work out romantically between us down the line after months or years of space and time apart, but I'm having fun right now. I'm flirting and dating (if you could even call it that) around and exploring new people and places and personalities that I haven't experienced in my life before, and all of this has been scary and awkward and intimidating, but it's also been so. Damn. Fun.
I'm taking care of myself and I don't need a partner right now, and I especially don't need them to be my partner right now.
I do love them, to the ends of the earth and from the bottom of my heart. But they are the person who ended things, not me. If they truly aren't over me, and potentially want something with me again, they're the one who has to put in the majority of the effort. Even if all they want is to not be strangers, that's something in their hands now. I didn't want any of this to end, so they get to prove to me that they want it to continue if that does end up being what they want.
Only time will tell. For now, I am content with the progress I'm making back in therapy and away from them. I'll continue to update this journal periodically, and maybe I'll start doing this daily again soon just to talk about more happenings in my life. I hope to see you all again in the near future.
Until then, goodnight, and take care; I am sending you love <3
💙💜💙💜Kids are seriously annoying as fuck why would anyone want them. What's the damn point of being an annoying existence if all we do is die and ruin the planet in the process? Fuck srsly.💙💜💙💜
