🖤

🖤dream killer🖤

[haleys-thoughts]

Hey you. Heartbreaker. Billie. What can I say about you. I fell in love with you, only for you to give me empty promises. All you did was lie to me from the beginning. I trusted you with my safety. With my love and my heart. Only to have you absolutely betray me. You asked me to marry you on September 27,2021. I accepted. You took my virginity September 24, 2021. You lied to me that you were a virgin. I trusted you with my safety. I moved in with you on October 14, 2021 convinced you were going to take care of me. You were my first serious relationship. There were good times. But then came the fighting, besides the one at the hotel about your ex living with you. And then you would overpower me and abuse me physically and mentally. Calling me names, threatening me, throwing stuff at me, including chairs. Telling me stuff like I was chicken shit, or a cunt, or that you wanted to throw me out yourself, throwing my phone at me. Blaming me for you destroying your own phone screen when you threw it yourself. Blaming me for shit I didn't do. Ignoring me while I cried in our bathroom. Telling me my crying was annoying to hear and that it kept you awake. Ignoring all the solutions I offered to you to help our relationship. Withdrawing affection and intimacy with me. Talking to women online and lying to me about it. Hiding shit from me. All you did was sit on your lazy ass and didn't work just to cheat on me. Having a relationship on the side, while I was busting my ass working nights. Acting like I was nothing. Seeing me sobbing on the bathroom floor, walking around me to show your xbox friends your stupid toys, then walking away, leaving me in emotional distress. You used me for my money. You are a narcissistic asshole who deserves to die alone. Me leaving was a party for you. You didn't even care. Acted like I didn't exist. Hiding so you didn't have to face me you bitch. Only to tell me you had a girl in the apartment we shared together a few weeks later. Well that is the true side of it all. Tell satan hi when you return to him, you fucking heartless garbage bag.

[haleys-thoughts]

🖤🖤🖤🖤So lately I'm trying not to let things bother me too much. I have a lot of time to just keep thinking about stuff. I could really get into the bad thoughts. But I do however want to vent about something. You'd think during a stay at home order, a time where almost everyone has more time on their hands, would be a time where maybe you would make more time for your friends. Lol. Well not the case. Surprise surprise I'm not the shitty friend lately. All my close friends, I guess, suck at getting back to me. I'm not being uptight. I'm talking days and weeks here of not talking. One friend I haven't talked to in 21 days. Like really talked. Another one, 17 days. My other friend gets back to me, about every 2-4 days and only four cause I'm the one who had to reach out. Okay. Well that doesn't make me feel so good. I kinda don't care about the reason, you either make time for someone or you don't. You either care or you don't. It's nice to know how forgettable I am to everyone. Like I'm not always feeling great, but I've been replying cuz that's what a good friend does. All I want is someone to miss me or care for me. I'm not asking for attention all day or everyday but out of 24 hours, you're telling me you can't put a minute aside to say hello. Idk I am growing tired of being everyone's last choice. The one everyone just puts aside. I think I deserve better than that. But well I guess it doesn't matter what I want. Now I'm getting used to hearing from nobody. And then my unhealthy habits begin. Where I want to be left alone. Where I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm just fine on my own. But I just think it's really unfair. I've been trying to get my life together and be a better friend. And this is how I get repaid. I know I've made mistakes too. But I'm changing all that. I'm holding myself to higher standards. Now I can handle being alone. But I do get lonely. I'm only human. But my whole life I've been alone. So yea, I'm used to it. I'm used to being ignored, or whatever. But I'm sick of it. I'm a person with feelings. Now all I want to do is pull away from everyone. I'm tired of you guys. I know you're not trying to be shitty friends, you just kinda are.🖤🖤🖤🖤

[haleys-thoughts]

🖤🖤🖤🖤You don't have to know someone to feel greatly affected by them. This universe doesn't make sense to me. If there was a higher power why are things so terrible? Why do good people suffer and somehow nobody seems to give a damn about them. Tell me what is just about that. Yeah. I mean life was never perfect but it's just so difficult to see the good in it at times. I cannot help but point out how bad things are. I wish things were different. Who would I be if I was someone else? Is that even possible? Do I even matter? On a large scale probably not. I don't know. Why me? Why am I here? Is there any real purpose to my existence. I wish I knew. Everything is so confusing I don't even know what to think at times. They say life is short then how come I have such a hard time being happy? All these questions I ask myself I cannot find the answers. But it's all whatever. I hope there is a point to all this. Right now I just don't know.🖤🖤🖤🖤

[haleys-thoughts]

🖤🖤🖤🖤I miss his smile. I miss his work. I miss him and I didn't even know him.Somehow I am still affected by his loss. I remember when he passed away. I was 11. Still too young to understand completely.But now I'm 24 and I am deeply saddened. I felt that connection for him. I watched his work, including my favorite tdk. But I admired him. There was something pure about Heath. And I knew it. It breaks my heart. He had such an amazing gift. For sure I would have watched all his work to this day if he was still here. I would support him 100%. I loved him. It also breaks my heart that he worked so hard on that movie, yet he couldn't be apart of its release. He won an award, but didn't get to savor the moment of walking up to receive it. To feel the joy. That makes me so upset. I will always have a special place in my heart for him. Such an amazing actor. A wonderful human being. Gone way too fucking soon. I wish I could have written him a fan letter. I'm so sorry you got cheated out of life. It saddens me deeply. You have left such an impact on me. I will forever have you in my heart. Rest peacefully buddy. You were amazing. You had the most amazing smile.🖤🖤🖤🖤

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Positive💜💙💜💙

💜💙💜💙So throughout this stay at home ultimately tragic pandemic going on, I was worried about my mental health before this even all started. Since March 19th, I haven't work. As a matter of fact, the stay at home order was announced that very day. I got to experience some great things like my boss getting fired, see ya bitchass, which was quite a memorable day itself before the stay at home was announced. I'm doing alright, at first pretty shitty cause I didn't have a real outlet. I tried making some but it wasn't exactly my favorite way. Finally tumblr gave me back my blog. And now I'm just exploding with desire to be on there almost all day. Now I don't care if it's healthy or not, I fuckin love it. Considering the fact that I was almost using it every day before they terminated me by accident, I knew I was bound to explode if they gave it back to me. It's my art, my love of photographs and text, creativity on my personal blogs. It is a place where I've thrived for years. Ultimate peace and calmness. I fought real hard to get it back, I'm glad someone helped me significantly, everyone else was useless, sorry. But all that matters is I get to be here again. I felt violated like all my art was gone, my few mutuals were missing, I even missed them idk. They kinda like fam. A virtual fam. A place to not be judged. I like that so much. A place where I can be me. I don't get that from anywhere else. I cannot stop expressing it. Still, my mental health is giving me issues. I'm having much difficulties trying to motivate myself. Just getting sad sometimes. I hate it. It never leaves me alone. I guess all that shit is inescapable, it really is about how you snap back to reality again. Finding something to keep you grounded. Idk how life is gonna be after this virus. So many infected in my county, too many deaths. Just idk. Sometimes I just don't understand this world. Now I have too much time to think, since I have been furloughed. Oh and without pay, not fuckin surprised there, considering what a shit ass company they are. Acting like they give a fuck if I live all they care about is fuckin money otherwise their bitch ass would pay me the money I deserve. So kiss my ass take your bullshit lies somewhere else. Whatever, just cruising waiting to see what happens next, generally and personally. Till then, priority one is self care💜💙💜💙💋

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Forgive💜💙💜💙

💜💙💜💙Okay so about a month ago, tumblr accidentally deleted my account. I was pretty devastated I won't lie. I was even beginning to lose hope on support because they weren't answering my emails. I understand this is a free app/site and I've cherished it for years. But I was so disappointed that I was losing my hope that they forgot or were ignoring me because I sent in multiple claims. About a month later, I get my blog back, rightfully so. I just missed it everyday and didn't want to accept my blog would be gone. I just was about to give up. I forgive them. They made the mistake but it's fine. They gave me back my sanctuary. I hate that I was so lost without it. But when I'm here, nothing bothers me, nobody bothers me, I'm happy. I don't care I'm just in bliss. No other website can do that for me. Thanks Tumblr now please don't ever do this to me again. I am a loyal fan and user. Love writing and not have to worry about being judged or know anyone which is wonderful💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Pretend💜💙💜💙 💜💙💜💙Why even pretend to know who you are? Why pretend everything is okay? It's like living your whole life as a lie. Why pretend to be someone you're not? Sometimes I don't get it. Like why do I try with with anything. I tried to desperately save Sonny's life and that turned to fucking shit. Why save any friendship I am alone all the time anyways? Why show up to a job I fucking hate. Lol the fuck is this shit. Am I supposed to just live in this shitty society that tells you to stuff your feelings away and be a fake who's just bottling up inside. Someone who is forced to suffer. If I had a breakdown, people would be afraid instead of wanting to help me. Some might even laugh. I am so tired. I could be taking medication but my mind still wanders at night and I'm really lonely. I hate that I get lonely. I want to be fine on my own. And usually I am. But not lately. I've been feeling disconnected. I'm tired of explaining everything and being held to a responsibility that I can take care of myself. I can for the most part but what a drag. I want to get away. From my mind and this society. How do I escape from it? Besides the obvious solution. What am I supposed to do? How do I achieve peace. Where can I find it? How do I keep it? Just help. I'm lost.💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Friends?💜💙💜💙 💜💙💜💙Okay so I've taken the blame for so much crap it's ridiculous. I've owned up to me being distant, making my friends believe I didn't care for them anymore, which was never true. I just didn't care about my life or anything going on around me. People annoy me so much, sometimes when I'm out in public too long, I want to go home. So of course naturally being the way I am, I would pull away, sometimes without saying why. But honestly I was always there. I never cut anyone out who didn't deserve it. I was there. That's all that mattered. Some of my friends have told me they think I'm avoiding them. At first I would just say I just didn't feel like hanging out or whatever. Finally I said what was really going on so they know what I deal with. Somehow I would still end up being the enemy. I had made myself clear now. I'm different now. I'm much more patient and am able to tolerate certain social situations. And my grief is under control. Never gone, but in my power. But lately, I'm not really feeling the love from my friends. They either take so long to answer, another forgets to answer me constantly and I'm stuck having to revive a dormant conversation, which is difficult as it is. Idk sometimes I want to cut everyone off cus I'm kinda tired of their shit. But that doesn't fall into place with what I believe is right. But seriously I'm done. You forget to reply, I'm out. I already revived it at least 3 times. I'm done. I can't help but feel ignored and put on the back burner. I deserve better friendship than to always feel al0ne. I'm sorry but nobody is too fucking busy to answer back so quit making fucking excuses. Own up to your shit. Deal with it like I had to. Be a fucking adult like jeez I feel like I'm in hs again. I'm really pissed off at the fact I have to socially interact. I crave it. But at the same time everyone sucks. Ugh fuck me. Why do I feel like when it's time to grieve I'll have nobody to lean on. Fucked up y'all need to take some classes on how to be better friends seriously💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Angel💜💙💜💙 💜💙💜💙So like the 3rd is coming up rather quickly. Quickly than I wanted. I know I'm just gonna have to deal with it once it gets here. But I'm just dreading it. Who would look forward to having to relive a day of heartache, devastation, and total loss. I lost that day. I lost everything I thought I'd never lose. It goes to show you life is no happy ending. It's just sadness and grief that never seems to go away. As it is, I think so much about it. I know I'm gonna relive the guilt and remembering holding him for the last time. I still cannot believe it. I miss him. The way he felt, looked, smelled. He was better than anyone I ever knew. He was better than humanity. He was my best friend. My beloved pet but also my love of my life. Suffering from depression wasn't so bad with him around. He knew when I was sad and needed a companion to be near. I hate that I'll never be able to hold him again. Or see him, love him, take naps with him. Watch him drink water. He loved to lick my arm after he woke up from a deep sleep. Sonny was perfect. He was my light and my hope. The world was ugly. Whenever something would break my heart, I'd hug him and he made me forget. I miss him so fucking much. He was my other half and now a piece of me has died. I love you Sonny. My strong beautiful angel. Spread your wings baby boy. We will see each other again.💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Burned out💜💙💜💙 💜💙💜💙Been questioning why I even try at all. You wake up to the same situation but still cannot seem to find your purpose. Lately I feel so tired and don't want to push myself. Yeah I been taking care of things but ugh my energy level is diminished maybe even nonexistent. I'm not trying to bum myself out or anything I'm just in a bit of a slump I guess. I'm tired of everyone being fake and annoying so inconsiderate. I don't wanna be someone's last choice to talk to or hang out with. Maybe I want to be swept off my feet. Maybe I want to forget everything and just sleep till I'm happy. I have a ton of freedom but I still feel trapped. How is that even possible? I feel older than I am. Man what I really want is my energy back. Why does life gotta be so damn hard? After all this time why do I have to feel like someone cares for me? I've lived my life alone what's so different now? Why does my lack of social interaction bum me out? Why does everything bum me out? This is what I'm talking about. I was asleep for 8 hours and now 3 hours later I'm tired again. I didn't ask to be here so why all the suffering? Why breathe air at all💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Grief/depression💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙I'm tired of caring. Of feeling stuck like I cannot live my own life. As it is, life is so difficult like the financial obligations. All the worries and stresses of this life. Honestly I think I may have more than one mental illness. Looks like I've hit the jackpot. All I do is feel so lonely and focus on the things that suck or that I want out of life, opposed to the good and peace I already have. Like I'm taking medicine I wish it would cure me cause I'd take it for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I have more motivation than ever. But there's still something missing. Like I want to meet new people make new friends and forget the fact that my friends today barely care to make time for me. I'm back where I used to be where I want to delete my Facebook and just leave without a trace. But at the same time I know that would be an unhealthy choice for me. I'd feel lonelier than ever and probably regret that decision. My life is okay right now. My cat isn't sick and I'm not panicking wondering if he's gonna make it. Last year was such a nightmare. So yes I am grateful for that, I couldn't deal with it again. I would probably sink to the ground if something happened to Maxy. But I know he's okay. Also I hate how much he reminds me of Sonny. Like Maxy loves to eat, like everything. It reminds me of when Sonny was losing his appetite and all of his weight. He was so thin. Grief is so overwhelming. I want to talk to people about it, but they get tired of it. They'll lie and say "no I'm always here to listen" but they get tired of it. Which is fine like whatever. But I wish people would be honest. I know grief is a horrible topic. In so many ways grief is like depression. Depression takes your will to live, your passions, your peaceful state of mind. You walk around like a zombie. You don't know who you are or why you're even alive. You have a purpose? Doubtful. Forget sharing with your friends they barely care. They expect you to deal with it or handle it maybe even get over it. Grief is unfair too. Whether it's a family member or your best friend, Sonny was both to me. Them dying well fuck. I'm still pissed at the world. You suffer, cry at 3 in the morning, scream into your pillow, gasp for air, give yourself a headache, and if you're lucky fall asleep. I didn't want to eat, shop, work just pissed me off. I was this close to swallowing a bunch of pills. I didn't want to live. People don't understand what ultimate low you must be at to think that way. Nobody really cared. I got myself through it. So my point to myself is, I don't need anyone to feel bad for me, tell me it's gonna be okay, text me back fine whatever. I got myself through hell so to be honest I don't need you.💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Why do I miss the things that made me miserable? In what sick world would you miss all that? I don't know why I'd want to feel weak and not really enjoy anything. Being upset and angry is so easy in this world. I guess it just depends on how you handle it. Being alone and feeling lonely is the worst thing you could feel on a regular basis. Luckily I don't feel that way all the time. I know this isn't a big deal and I wish I would just listen to the rational part of my brain. Whenever my friends just don't reply to me, I wonder if I'm not good enough. Even though I feel those awful things, I always mind their space. I refuse to overcrowd. If I pull away, now I'm the bad guy. I feel so out of touch with everything. I feel like this life is mentally torturous. There is alot of freedom but also so much sadness. I try to escape the bad thoughts, but they always return. It doesn't help either when I only see the bad in people, the carelessness, insensitivity. Forced to be here, no I must follow the rules. Give me a break. Just gotta pull away from the darkness somehow💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Sometimes I am proud of myself. And then there are times I am so tired in all ways. I hate my job but I'm still there, I'm still lonely but I want to be left alone, I'm taking medication but at times it feels absolutely hopeless and it crushes me. I'm sometimes bothered by stupid shit. I want a different life but I don't feel I'm trying hard enough to get it. I want to please everyone without feeling so exhausted. Staying positive is so challenging when all you did was live your whole life negatively realistic. I want to be a successful and happy person. I really want to know who cares about me and who is just using me. Why is life so tiring? Why does mental illness exist? Why do good people suffer and terrible ones get good fortune? Who's really watching over us? Does anyone care? Am I important? Well here I am in the same place, and many same feelings, I cannot help but wonder why life is cruel as to take my best friend away from me. I can never understand this world. I don't want to. I'm tired. Of everything of every shitty feeling or mistreatment. Fuck it all 💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙Why do I get in those moods where I'm kinda just annoyed by everything? Like nothing is even wrong. I did what I thought was a nice thing by turning off my brother's lamp, mind you it's 6 in the morning, no need for a lamp, and idk I guess he was half awake and by the time I made it back into the room, I heard him turn it back on. Now I'm someone who minds other people's space but that was kinda rude. I only turned it off to preserve it so it could last longer, excuse me jesus. I know this seems dumb but it really annoyed me. It just reminds me of how I feel about all his shitty decisions he makes and the one thing that bothers him is the god damn lamp. Wow whatever. Happy birthday buttface💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙So I just came across this photo of Sonny while he was in the hospital in January 2019 post surgery. I remember I missed him so much I had to see him. But when I looked at that photo right now, I saw hope in his eyes, like he was gonna make it. I can't stand to see pics like this. It breaks my heart all over again. I miss him so much. I never wanted to imagine my life without him. Now I have to live it. I really hate this feeling I'm feeling right now. Like I hate everything all over again💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙 Okay so imma share my opinion or else I'll lose it. First off, I'm starting to like who I am. I'm hardworking, a vet tech student on a path to success, and I haven't eaten meat for almost a year. My point being I don't like being compared to other people. I am my own fuckin person. So if you start comparing me to other people, you're a dumbass cuz I ain't them. Like who TF you think you are to do that anyways. Lol honestly I don't care anyways. So tryna make me feel bad about shit like fuck you. You ain't supposed to be trying to break people down you're supposed to help especially if you want to be seen as a leader, which everyone hates you so obviously you're failing big time. All that matters is I know who I am and you just another insignificant opinion I don't need thanks though I'll ask if I ever give a fuck what you think but by then the world would have ended💜💙💜💙

[haleys-thoughts]

💜💙💜💙 I miss him so much. All I have to do is see him in his cremation box to almost lose it. I held him Christmas day to clean him( I haven't because it's so damn difficult) and I fell apart. To top things off my kitten Maxy smelled him. I was so heartbroken. I miss his gentle loving nature. I miss his sweet pure soul. There was no other cat like my Sonny. He deserved a MUCH longer life. I think about Christmas 2018 and that was the last time everything felt normal with him. The fact that I live on without him devastates me all over again. I'd still do anything to get him back. My beautiful baby boy. As perfect as nature could possibly get. Love you always. Kisses from your family including your Maxy brother whom you woulda loved💜💙💜💙