summer
June 13
omg hey whats up? i haven't gotten high and written in a long long time, and thats really sad bc its always funny to read when I'm sober and i jump around from topic to topic so quickly but i always remember what reminded me of it. omg this weed speeds/slows time up/down so fast, its insane. it feels like it takes me forever to type but I've only been sitting here for like 2 min. is that pretty good typing for two min? I'm betting not bc my god i suck at typing. it really is something you have to practice at to be good. thats why i should be chronicling this epic summer. like monday night when i went to see Patrick and got super baked with him and watched American Dad and smoked cigarettes and i watched him be super nerdy and supremely adorable and it made my heart ache because i was so tired and i wanted to lean on something but i couldn't even touch him barely or emily would rip my face off and i wanted to hug him and poke him and run my fingers through his incredibly thick hair and ok basically do it and it really fucking sucked, bc idk if i could ever even do that, bc how could i betray emily so horribly? that would be so fucking despicable. she introduces me to her boyfriend, just to test his fidelity now that i think about it. am i hot enough to be a ttly clueless blonde that told her everything and was perfect to introduce to him and then she could check what we actually said and then what we said we did until she just assumed we did and then now we don't. dude i fucking miss him so bad. i miss him and chance and liz until my chest feels like its being slowly torn into three parts, slowly giving into the pull of all my friends and then i just dissolve into rainbows like the pivots today and spiral off towards denver and kearney and lincoln. oh heres an idea you stupid whiny bitch, get friends that actually live close to you. but i can't because i don't like the stoners around here. i don't think i like stoners in general, actually. think about it - my three favorite people i knew before i smoked with them. i liked them for who they were and then because we could smoke together. friends who smoke together stay together, you know. it connects you in this way i definitely can't explain because whenever i get high i get so distracted by the shit going on in my head that i ttly ignore the whole world. its also annoying when i get high and suddenly remember all this shit i did the last time i got high or weeks ago when i got high, I'm never quite sure when. i remember patrick basically poking me in the face and i just stared at him for a couple minutes. i think they;re my best friends bc i can be myself around them when I'm high. i can't be that weird around everyone, but they don't care, they think its funny. i can't even be myself around like emily or angie or jaime, well, jaime i just automatically am truly myself around which annoys me bc then when i meet her friends they just absolutely love me because i deduct i must be completely irresistible when i let people really get to know me. i wonder if thats true now tho. apparently i must be hot. i don't see it. but guys are always talking to me for no reason and i can't tell if i notice it because i hate talking to people or because they're actually hitting on me. just like i have no idea why i always notice 130th Rd so i just now see it everyday on the way home and I’m like, ope, two more miles to my turn, and i wonder why i noticed that again and i have no idea so its now the road that i notice i notice. i notice a lot of shit tho. thats what makes me appear smart. in somethings i notice all the right things and it comes really easily. but wait when i was complaint about angie and emily ditching all of us last semester he was like, i don't know but i think maybe they have to actually work for the grades they get and i wanted to be like what the fuck is your problem? i have waaaaaay harder classes, and a job, and I'm always stoned. i didn't even try slightly last semester and i got Bs. so if they try so hard to study when i happen to not be stupid and know that they just basically bothered the shit out of everyone in Conrad, and they still get Cs and Ds, then how fucking stupid are they? why can't i see to grasp that maybe i am smart, and everyone else isn't stupid? bc that is how i really see the world - everyone else is normal, and i diverge, but when it comes to intelligence I'm the norm, maybe a lil dumb, and so if anyone's dumber than me they must be fucking retardo. huh. i never realized that before. see? where the fuck would i be without weed? it still makes me super sad that i can't tell mom and dad and nancy and andy about it because this is me and i want to share it with them because i wanna be scientific and smart about smoking weed but i always have them to help me be logical bc sometimes I'm really not in reality. i guess thats why i miss Patrick so much. bc he was apparently special enough that i relaxed around him and i could just say whatever i was thinking. i never say what I'm thinking bc its so weird, people always laugh at me. but him and Jaime and Chance and Liz don't. I miss them all so much. oh but i was reading this over again bc i got distracted (omg imagine that she got distracted, can you believe that? no way. not her. ever. especially when she's being so extra normal.) and i started a thought about how i couldnt ever fuck Patrick because it would make him and EMily break up and i couldn't ever do that to her, even tho i don't really like her. but i don't think i could ever do it after they broke up for some other reason, bc for one reason, i don't know if they ever will. Emily seems pretty happy with him and planning on marrying him and supporting him for the rest of their lives like what the fuck bitch, thats ttly his job and he's enough of a gentleman to notice it. if he doesn't then he's really fucking stupid & i don't think he is. maybe she's just expecting way too much out of him. like, ok, he could definitely get a car. But those are expensive. my parents did buy mine and mostly pay for my gas, you know. you are a spoiled little brat without even noticing it. this is what i hate about coming off a high, I'm still overanalyzing everything but lost my positivity or ability to think about anything vaguely nice and i just hate myself. its not even been an hour. i have such short highs anymore. it really sucks. i really need to fix my sleep schedule so I'm awake when everyone else is. Jesus. no ones up at 2? i remember staying up until 3 w great regularity when i didn't have to be up until 7ish. where the hell is everyone? have i said OFWGKTA is my fucking jam now? i don't think I've listened to anything else for like a month. you know its bad when you can actually put them all on sheffle and you like them all.
