#7.7.2013

[dailyanon]

One day down. I wish I could sleep and/or feel like eating. It's silly, really, because I know these (less than) three months are going to disappear quickly. But, for now, I feel like I did at the beginning of this deployment, not like we just had R&R. Tomorrow will be better. Remember. Tomorrow will be better.

[dailyanon]

I just dropped my husband off at the airport again. R&R is such a tease. I know from experience that I will be ok, that each day gets a little better. I have to remember that, because if I don't, I will end up back on the floor, crying myself into a frenzy. I think I will take a nap and wait to hear from him. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, letting him go, over and over. I'm pretty sure a piece of me gets hurt, and it takes a long time to get better. 

[loutwix]

Diary 7.7.2013

Hi.

I would just like to say that recently, many things have come to my attention about myself and what i believe and what i hope to be. &one of those things is the fact that i may or may not like girls. 

i know what you're saying "dude embrace it it's ok it's who you are and we accept you" If you're saying that, thank you. If not, fuck you.

only the thing is what if i don't like girls. what if i actually do like boys and this is just a phase or im confused or the girl i like is secretly a boy. HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW WHAT I LIKE THAT'S MY PROBLEM I DONT KNOW AND HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING AND I WANT TO CRY CZ IF I AM GAY MY FAMILY WILL HATE ME THEY LITERALLY SAY EVERYDAY HOW GAY PEOPLE ARE BAD AWFUL HUMAN BEINGS AND HOW THEY DONT DESERVE TO LIVE MY OWN FUCKING FAMILY. 

they're not very... accepting. so if i am gay, i will come out to them because it's important to be who you are, and i'll most likely be disowned by them but that's okay because i don't like family dinners anyways.

in other news, i have a big fatty bruise on my ass from my little brother jarring my paddle board and therefore causing me to fall off before i attempted to swim across Lake Siskyou like a stud. im a total stud you guys. (not really im sad and i suck at life and its 1 am)

this past week i've gotten all four of my wisdom teeth out, been on my period, camped, and sat through no less than 3 homophobic speeches

but i can handle it because i've also left this town for four days, spent time with my younger cousin who i love more than anything, watched fireworks on the beach, and started a new book.

I also had vanilla soft serve with sprinkles and watched people stare at me on the beach due to the fact i looked like a whore in my one piece (that takes skill i know i could give lessons no joke)

im sorry its late and i literally cant even play the drums correctly right now im sleepy and my sticking is off and i cant read and this is a mess ill fix later but goodnight for now.

cheers.