it’s so obvious i want you
Note: Angst, angst and even more angst, merry fucking Christmas kids. This is a Oneshot apart of my 8th!Member series. You can read it without having read the others but if you’d like to see how this hot ass mess started you can find the first Oneshot Here
Pairing: Various/Reader, Jungkook/Reader but not really?
Tags: Angst, mutual pining, miscommunication, hurt w/no comfort,
Plot: You thought for sure you could handle Jungkook being in a relationship, but now you’re not so sure.
Word count: 3161
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Shifting in your seat the fact finally dawned on you, nothing could have ever prepared you for this. Even the brutal life of an idol was nothing compared to this moment that you had never been so ill equip to handle.
Most people, hell most of your friends would’ve laughed at the situation, but you couldn’t get over the hump of awkwardness or tension. It would be one thing if this was something you had constantly struggled with, but it wasn’t.
You were an extrovert out of the group, you loved talking to people and making new friends.
Anyone would’ve pegged you as charming, you just had that quality of putting people at ease. So naturally when it didn’t work on her, you knew you were in for trouble.
Her being Jungkook’s girlfriend, the word stabbed vehemently in the pit of your stomach, you had no right to feel the way you did. Sure you had a crush on him for over four years but still, it was just a crush. And he obviously never liked you back, why would he? Old wounds of self doubt began to fester again as unpleasant memories began to surface. Doing your best to swallow them back you gave a smile to Hyun, his girlfriend who sat next to him with arms hooked around his.
You never understood why she seemed so nervous around you, you were just...you, “Have fun at the gallery!” You gave a chirp, forcing another smile before quickly glancing back down at your notebook, not trusting your false happiness to hold any longer then a moment while looking at them.
Something of a mixture between envy and jealousy boiled underneath your skin, envy because you’d given anything to be Jungkook’s muse, and jealousy because you unrightfully felt like you already were before they had met. But you technically weren’t. Even if his broody stares would make you think differently it still didn’t change the fact.
It was only one time, you had been his first in bed and that was it. Was that a mistake? Should you have just confessed the morning after? You involuntarily shuddered at the idea, the thing about having sexual relations with any of your group members was the constant delicate balance of not falling into the pit of unrequited love.
That would inevitably ruin your relationship with any of them, and would eventually spiral out of control due to tension and the last thing you wanted was Bangtan to suffer because of your hormones.
Chewing your lip you closed your eyes briefly, fear had definitely been a factor in not confessing the morning after. Words had been left unsaid not only from you but from him as well and that’s why things were the way they were. But this wasn’t like Taehyung....or Jimin or- okay you know what? That was besides the point.
Anything that had descended between the other members and you was always mutually consented and while you did love them, it was never in a romantic way, the same would be said from them as well.
A lot of people would’ve assumed it would be hard to not look at them romantically while sleeping with them. But you never had that problem and neither did they, Jungkook though? You weren’t really sure, you had always just shoved your feelings into the back of your mind hoping they’d go away.
But you hadn’t fallen in love with him because of what had transpired last month in bed. No it had festered for a much longer time before that.
You already began feeling self conscious again, maybe it was for the best those words that lingered on the tip of your tongue were left unspoken. You weren’t sure you could handle rejection, you could take it, just not from him. Anyone but him.
“Thank you!” Hyun gave a nervous smile as she clung closer to Jungkook, “We will! Uh....- So what are you writing? If you don’t mind me asking!” She peered up slightly as if trying to make out the hastily written words you had strung together.
Looking down at the notebook you shrugged, not seeing the harm in telling her. It was better then the god awful silence while they waited to leave in time to catch the subway, “Well I’m working on my mixtape,” Your smile suddenly became sheepish as you glanced back down, “I’m not very good with song writing but...”
“That’s not true.”
Your lips parted as you glanced back up at Jungkook, who had stayed quiet up until this moment. His gaze focused on you, looking almost insulted at your own words as he continued, “You’ve written tons of songs,” he turned to Hyun as you furrowed your brows in confusion, “Namjoon helped cultivate her skill but all three of her songs turned into back to back MVs that made us so popular.”
Why was he boasting about you? Feeling your face turn slightly red you coughed, rubbing the back of your neck as you couldn’t help but mutter, “Actually we didn’t get popular until Wings...”
Unfortunately Jungkook had heard your words, looking vaguely annoyed as he replied, “Maybe but HYYH is one of the fan favorite eras, any ARMY would agree with me.”
Feeling like you were both fifteen again while bickering you rose an eyebrow, what was his deal? Were you never allowed to be self deprecating? Okay maybe that wasn’t the word you were looking for, humble was more along the lines of your feelings.
Yes you had begun writing for HYYH but Namjoon heavily helped and guided you during the process. Finally you replied suspiciously, “Yeah? And so was Wings.”
Too be fair Wings was your most iconic tour and the MAMA awards for it just about blew any other performances out of the water. Lots had happened during the Wings era, lots of it was unpleasant. But then again HYYH wasn’t all too pleasant for you either.
Your nose ended up wrinkling in thought, you hadn’t really been mentally sound in a long time come to think of it. Sure HYYH was when you started writing lyrics, but that was only because Namjoon guided you every step of the way. In fact, you’d go as far as giving him all the credit, he was a lyrical genius, you had only really helped with the process.
Yoongi was the other person that seemed to have hope in you as he’d let you sit in and watch him mix and make music for hours on end. The more fun out of the two in your opinion. Lyrics didn’t necessarily come easy to you, because how could you open up in a song to millions of people if you couldn’t even do it one on one, person to person?
Music though? Much easier, you just found a beat and layered it with another until something formed. Well it wasn’t that simple, it wasn’t even close to that simple but it helped to think of it like that so you wouldn’t overcomplicate the process.
Combining Namjoon and Yoongi’s cultivation and faith in you, you were technically equipped for the task of making your own mixtape. Not that you were obligated obviously, but seeing Hoseok work so hard on his gave you plenty of inspiration to work off of.
And Namjoon had just begun his next one which in turned he helped you get started on yours with basic pointers and advice.
Without realizing it you and Jungkook had been staring harshly at one another, and you felt it again. That tension between you both. Had it always been there?
No, no not even close. It use to be much more subdued when you thought back on it. Stolen glances and touches that would linger a moment longer then necessary, shared smiles and words that could’ve been took with a double meaning, or maybe you were just imagining it all...?
Noticing Hyun seemed to be tensing again you coughed before offering a wary smile as you spoke up, “Well regardless of my skill in writing I’m hoping to finish up soon. I’m on my fifth song right now, I haven’t started working on the music yet but that’s because I find it easier to work with a finished piece.”
You had begun to ramble, filling the silence. Atleast you were good at something. But still, you felt Jungkook’s intense gaze bore into you, his mouth parting occasionally as if wanting to say something only to close it again. You had almost wished he’d just spit it out.
“Oh! We’re going to be late,” Hyun looked at her phone noticing the time as she stood up pulling on Jungkook’s arm as she gave you another nervous smile, “Well it was nice talking to you Y/n! Goodbye.” She bowed slightly before dragging Jungkook off the couch. Watching him let out a silent sigh as he glanced back at you, his eyes had finally softened considerably.
His gaze would haunt you for the rest of the night as the door closed shut, leaving it to linger in nothing more then your memory.
It was filled with everything you had once hoped for but it only filled you with dread now.
It was full of want, it was the only way you could describe it. He looked like he wanted you to be the one pulling him out the door, like he wanted you to be the one holding his hand while you rambled away, like he wanted to run back to you, in that moment, had you not known any better, it looked like he wanted to confess.
But it had only been there for less then a moment before the door had shut. It had to have been your imagination right? The last thing you wanted was to get your hopes up, because at the end of the day, if he really liked you, he wouldn’t of been holding her hand, taking her out, would he?
The glimmer of hope in you chest had been stomped all the way back down to your stomach, forming a nauseating pit. Churning enough to make you close the notebook and pad all the way to Jimin’s room.
Nobody’s shoulder to cry on in Bangtan’s could rival Jimin’s. He had been buried under the covers of his bed with a book in hand, a hoody over his head and his thick rimmed glasses sticking out from there sheets. Glancing up at you as he spoke before faltering, “Y/n what are you....” frowning he set his book down as he sat up, gestured you to come lay down as the tears began to well in your eyes, “Come here.” Two words and you were home.
Collapsing into the bed you wrapped your arms around him burying your face into the crook of his neck as he scooped you up, pulling you beneath the covers as he cooed stroking your hair, “What happened? Was it her again?”
Just those words made you wrap your arms around him tightly, pressing your face against the crook of his neck in attempt to stop the tears that continued to stream. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt to see him holding her hand? To see him kissing her? To be plagued with hearing them on the other side of the wall at night?
It felt like a dagger was being twisted in your heart agonizingly slow, like it was just there to watch you be tormented. Wasn’t it obvious how much you wanted him?
That if he wanted you just as you thought he did, wouldn’t it just be easiest to be together without suffering anymore? But seeing him with her drowned out any of your desperation to cling onto some hope that maybe, just maybe Jungkook liked you too.
Your lips trembled parting to speak but your voice fell flat in refusal it let words escape, or maybe your mind just couldn’t trust your voice to form a sentence. If you admitted to how much you liked Jungkook verbally, the words, the emotions, everything would be cemented into your existence. And your life would only become even more hellish at the formal recognition of your feelings finally finalized and accepted. If you refused to speak the words you could atleast live in the denial that maybe you could get over it.
That maybe if you run from it long enough the throbbing pain in your chest would cease and maybe you’d live to see a day where it won’t hurt seeing him with someone else.
Fake it til you make it right? But those words only made your chest ache with a dull pain, what good was faking it if it never really went away?
Because it wasn’t going to? Was it? Jimin only gave a gentle hush as he continued to stroke your hair, coddling you close as you continued to cry. He was shield and sword, nobody would have run faster to your defense then Jimin. You weren’t the only one who struggled so severely during Wings.
Dare you say he had it even worse, but what hell you both endured you had endured it together, there was no one on this planet that could make you feel better the way Jimin could. So you focused on his warmth and slow heartbeat to ground you from the terrible, inevitable heartbreak you’d never admit to experiencing.
---
You had been too mopey, and it was showing. Usually you’d be down and out for a few hours maybe a day before you’d bounce back, never wanting to be stuck in such a useless negative cycle. Because you had learned hands on that when you got in a cycle of negativity it was like a web, the more you struggled the more difficult it became to get free.
Finishing up a long recording session it was nearing twelve at night and you had found yourself wedged between your elders. When in doubt you could always go to them for comfort. Hoseok being one of the more touchy feely members happily had his arms wrapped around you, coddling you against his chest though his attention was focused on the movie that played.
Yoongi was not so hands on as the other members, but he was a sucker for lounging when he had a rare free moment. His head had been laying on your lap, or what he could get of it atleast since your feet had been tucked beneath you, making your lap a little less accessible.
But he was a determined guy none the less, his hands laid sprawled across your thighs lazily and his eyes had been shut for well over a half an hour. You weakly smiled down at his figure, nobody could love sleeping as much as him. But then again you’d like to imagine it was because he could never get enough due to working himself so hard. Looking back up you had involuntarily froze again.
Was it really necessary to bring her to the dorms so much? It was great that Jungkook wanted all of the most important people in his life together but- another pang throbbed in your chest as you glanced back down towards the floor.
What you’d give to be in her position right now, coddled up in his lap hugging against him. Noticing you beginning to shift up Hoseok had let you out of his grasp as you maneuvered Yoongi’s head onto the couch. Hoseok frowned upon seeing your tired, and admittedly drained expression.
You knew they were getting worried but what could you do? You couldn’t just admit it, because if you admitted it, then you’d have to talk about it. And that was the last thing you wanted to do right now.
Abruptly standing as you became free of the cuddle cluster, “I’m gonna try and get some sleep, night guys.”
Jungkook pressed his lips together watching you barely acknowledge everyone before promptly walking away. You looked so tired, it was beginning to worry him...
Because even if you had never gotten much sleep to begin with, you never had dark circles under your eyes like you did now. You had even began to stumble during their rehearsals for choreography due to fatigue. And as one of the lead dancers yourself, one that was like a ball of energy it was highly uncharacteristic.
Jungkook felt a dull ache in his chest, wishing he could follow after you, not like he could do anything to relieve whatever you were going through, but he wanted to try regardless.
Anything to see the way your eyes always lit up when you smiled, but now he hasn’t seen either of those things. Atleast genuinely. Sighing he shifted, remembering his girlfriend who was on top of him.
What had he gotten himself into? Jungkook was positive he’d be able to forget you, the intoxicating feel of your touch, the way that smirk coiled onto your lips anytime you were being cheeky with him.
He thought for sure he could forget it with time. And someone like Hyun would make him forget that he ever even liked you in the first place. Except it wasn’t working, in fact, it was only making him want you that much more. He did like Hyun, just not romantically. Not like the way he knew for sure he felt for you.
She was such a sweetheart, she really did deserved someone better then him. Someone who could fully love her, and Jungkook just couldn’t do that.
He had attempted to bring it up of course, unable to live with the guilt of stringing her along, but Hyun said that it was fine and she was more then patient to wait. But someone couldn’t wait forever could they? More so Jungkook wasn’t sure if he wanted her too.
He let out a silent sigh, his gaze lingering in the direction you had disappeared, you had barely even looked in his direction. He knew you didn’t like him romantically, and you made it clear the morning after you had both slept together when Seokjin confronted you about it. But did you have to be so cold? You had barely even acknowledged his presence all week long.
Had he did something wrong? He had tried asking you about it but you only dismissed him, in result pushing him away. A nasty habit of yours that he had hoped you would’ve grown out of by now, but sometimes under stress he figured people just fell back into old habits. You were no exception apparently.
Still, it hurt being pushed away when he wanted nothing more then to hold you close. To tell you whatever you were going through that you’d be okay. He was surprised you were so blind for someone so perceptive.
Wasn’t it obvious how much he wanted you?