#907pm

[jeribunny]

LXVIII: I don't even know

I really have to start setting my priorities straight. I mean I know what they are but.. they’re all crooked and out of line and I’m just, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being lazy. Again. It is the most absurd and idiotic thing to be lazy right now because it’s finals week and blah blah blah. My brain feels so wishy-washy right now, it’s like all the contents in my head have been turned into mush and as it regenerates, everything is going back in no particular order. Just the other day I totally blew off studying because I was offered a free deal on getting finger tattoos. So I did that, and what did I do after? Go shopping, for gifts of course but along with those gifts were items for myself as well. I don’t know what’s going on in this brain of mine. It kind of reverts back to free will, I always think to myself if it’s really me that’s controlling what I’m doing or is it the environment and circumstances that I’m in that’s pulling the strings. It’s like I was so sure of myself being the ultimate decision maker of my life but now all these stupid philosophies (okay they’re not stupid) has got me thinking. Well I’d like to be responsible for myself all the time so at this moment I still believe that’s it’s just myself being super dumb and choosing not to do something about something. At the same time what about all these fatalist views and maybe it’s just how my life is prewritten, just as all these other individuals lives are prewritten. In which case I’d believe that I have no control over my life. This is what burns my brain out, I might as well switch my major to philosophy but I’d get absolutely no jobs with that besides a professor. Anyway I’m just rambling right now, there’s really nothing much going on in my life. Well I always say this but, there actually are a lot of things going on right now but, I guess my mind has been in indifferent mode for so long that I barely even wince at anything right now. Guess I have a lot of time on my hands so I might as well recap some events. I went to go hang out with one of my coworkers the other night, the same one that my other coworkers are telling me to hook up with. It’s like, this weird vibe going on. And not a weird awkward vibe but a weird like, I like your company and I like your personality but there’s no attraction going on, which is ultimately the glue to everything. I don’t know maybe I’m just “over-analyzing” it, or whatever my coworkers say. But then again I usually go with my gut feeling for most things…. Which is kind of funny because look at where my gut feeling has taken me thus far…….. Moving on. I went to a frat party last night, it’s the first time in a while that I actually got to get drunk and not worry about driving. I didn’t really know much people at first, but then again they were part of my brother’s frat sorority whatever so it wasn’t super awkward. It’s just fucking hilarious how my own brother warns his bros about how hanging out with me “is a trap.” And I’m not even being sarcastic. Too bad Frank didn’t make it but I did end up meeting some cool people. Wait, actually it was pretty awkward whenever some random or one of my brother’s bros would hit on me, it’s like.. my brother is right there, that is so awkward! No matter how drunk I am, my brother is right there like gross stop no. Anyway I think I just need more excitement in my life. I’ve been looking at the bigger scheme of things. It’s basically like this: finish college, get a big girl job, find my other half, and that’s it. Everything else in between are bonuses. I’ve got to find a way to make this life worth living, not saying that having a family and love for my career isn’t great, it’s fantastic! It all just seems kinda… Boring.

[jeribunny]

LIII: Thank you

Before the day ends and the morning comes, I just want to say that the nonstop jitters I’ve been having today will all burst out into happiness once I see his face. I know it sounds super sappy but I’ve come to accept my cheesiness. It’s quite hilarious, so comical I want to laugh hysterically about it. I don’t want to sound like I’m making him a subject to Gym Class Heroes’ song Cupid’s Chokehold because I always kind of sort of do this: rave about the current beau. But in all seriousness,coming straight from the rational side of me, and not the blinded by (fill in the blank because you can literally put anything: vain, obnoxious, young, hungry, whatever) side of me, I believe that I share a connection with the guy. I don’t cringe at the thought of intimacy with him, I embrace it. It’s a beautiful thing: me, the girl who doesn’t like to be touched in general, embracing the thought of cuddling it up with this dude. Beautiful, so beautiful.

You know, life’s been amazing. Usually I wouldn’t even write anything like that because of how superstitious I was but now that I’m slowly dropping unreasonable beliefs I’ve become a lot more happier. I went back and read my previous blog posts from my first private blog and I was observing how my dip in life was reaching its climax. And I pieced that together with the journal entries from this summer that pretty much exemplified the worst point of my dip. And here I am now, happy. I’m so happy. I know why I complained so much, be it school, family, friends, and everything in between. Everything simultaneously drove me nuts! But I’m extremely overjoyed to have learned to become not only more patient, but more focused. All I needed to do was muster up all the courage, motivation, and positivity I had left in me to destroy what was destroying me. Or maybe that would be how I would describe it in the past. I just lived life the way I want to. Not necessarily throw all restrictions and limitations out the door; I still do respect some authorities like family and school, things that count basically. But regardless, I see the light in things now, see the positive notions, motivate myself. I made it a point to myself that anything can be a habit, I just have to start off consciously incoherent before I get to the unconsciously coherent level. Stop talking to people who bring you down in any way — basically to help with my confidence. Stop watching anime and reading manga, stop watching korean dramas, stop watching anything online period (TV is not a problem for I do not own one) — helps with focus. Know when to ask for assistance, let go of your pride sometimes.

I feel like I’ve been growing mentally in life consistently in a fast pace so now it’s natural that I learn life lessons quicker and actually apply them in my everyday life. There are still many things I need to learn, many habits I need to end and many areas I can improve on. The most important thing of all however is that I am passed my pit and I’m taking the beauty of everything in. And I make better decisions and choices that I know will benefit my life and make me happy. Thank you universe.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

XVIII: I don't even know

I really have to start setting my priorities straight. I mean I know what they are but.. they're all crooked and out of line and I'm just, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being lazy. Again. It is the most absurd and idiotic thing to be lazy right now because it's finals week and blah blah blah. My brain feels so wishy-washy right now, it's like all the contents in my head have been turned into mush and as it regenerates, everything is going back in no particular order. Just the other day I totally blew off studying because I was offered a free deal on getting finger tattoos. So I did that, and what did I do after? Go shopping, for gifts of course but along with those gifts were items for myself as well. I don't know what's going on in this brain of mine.

It kind of reverts back to free will, I always think to myself if it's really me that's controlling what I'm doing or is it the environment and circumstances that I'm in that's pulling the strings. It's like I was so sure of myself being the ultimate decision maker of my life but now all these stupid philosophies (okay they're not stupid) has got me thinking. Well I'd like to be responsible for myself all the time so at this moment I still believe that's it's just myself being super dumb and choosing not to do something about something. At the same time what about all these fatalist views and maybe it's just how my life is prewritten, just as all these other individuals lives are prewritten. In which case I'd believe that I have no control over my life. This is what burns my brain out, I might as well switch my major to philosophy but I'd get absolutely no jobs with that besides a professor.

Anyway I'm just rambling right now, there's really nothing much going on in my life. Well I always say this but, there actually are a lot of things going on right now but, I guess my mind has been in indifferent mode for so long that I barely even wince at anything right now. Guess I have a lot of time on my hands so I might as well recap some events. I went to go hang out with one of my coworkers the other night, the same one that my other coworkers are telling me to hook up with. It's like, this weird vibe going on. And not a weird awkward vibe but a weird like, I like your company and I like your personality but there's no attraction going on, which is ultimately the glue to everything. I don't know maybe I'm just "over-analyzing" it, or whatever my coworkers say. But then again I usually go with my gut feeling for most things.... Which is kind of funny because look at where my gut feeling has taken me thus far........ Moving on.

I went to a frat party last night, it's the first time in a while that I actually got to get drunk and not worry about driving. I didn't really know much people at first, but then again they were part of my brother's frat sorority whatever so it wasn't super awkward. It's just fucking hilarious how my own brother warns his bros about how hanging out with me "is a trap." And I'm not even being sarcastic. Too bad Frank didn't make it but I did end up meeting some cool people. Wait, actually it was pretty awkward whenever some random or one of my brother's bros would hit on me, it's like.. my brother is right there, that is so awkward! No matter how drunk I am, my brother is right there like gross stop no.

Anyway I think I just need more excitement in my life. I've been looking at the bigger scheme of things. It's basically like this: finish college, get a big girl job, find my other half, and that's it. Everything else in between are bonuses. I've got to find a way to make this life worth living, not saying that having a family and love for my career isn't great, it's fantastic! 

It all just seems kinda... Boring.

[kawaiihoneybearbunny-blog]

III: Thank you

Before the day ends and the morning comes, I just want to say that the nonstop jitters I've been having today will all burst out into happiness once I see his face. I know it sounds super sappy but I've come to accept my cheesiness. It's quite hilarious, so comical I want to laugh hysterically about it. I don't want to sound like I'm making him a subject to Gym Class Heroes' song Cupid's Chokehold because I always kind of sort of do this: rave about the current beau. But in all seriousness,coming straight from the rational side of me, and not the blinded by (fill in the blank because you can literally put anything: vain, obnoxious, young, hungry, whatever) side of me, I believe that I share a connection with the guy. I don't cringe at the thought of intimacy with him, I embrace it. It's a beautiful thing: me, the girl who doesn't like to be touched in general, embracing the thought of cuddling it up with this dude. Beautiful, so beautiful.

You know, life's been amazing. Usually I wouldn't even write anything like that because of how superstitious I was but now that I'm slowly dropping unreasonable beliefs I've become a lot more happier. I went back and read my previous blog posts from my first private blog and I was observing how my dip in life was reaching its climax. And I pieced that together with the journal entries from this summer that pretty much exemplified the worst point of my dip. And here I am now, happy. I'm so happy. I know why I complained so much, be it school, family, friends, and everything in between. Everything simultaneously drove me nuts! But I'm extremely overjoyed to have learned to become not only more patient, but more focused. All I needed to do was muster up all the courage, motivation, and positivity I had left in me to destroy what was destroying me. Or maybe that would be how I would describe it in the past. I just lived life the way I want to. Not necessarily throw all restrictions and limitations out the door; I still do respect some authorities like family and school, things that count basically. But regardless, I see the light in things now, see the positive notions, motivate myself. I made it a point to myself that anything can be a habit, I just have to start off consciously incoherent before I get to the unconsciously coherent level. Stop talking to people who bring you down in any way -- basically to help with my confidence. Stop watching anime and reading manga, stop watching korean dramas, stop watching anything online period (TV is not a problem for I do not own one) -- helps with focus. Know when to ask for assistance, let go of your pride sometimes.

I feel like I've been growing mentally in life consistently in a fast pace so now it's natural that I learn life lessons quicker and actually apply them in my everyday life. There are still many things I need to learn, many habits I need to end and many areas I can improve on. The most important thing of all however is that I am passed my pit and I'm taking the beauty of everything in. And I make better decisions and choices that I know will benefit my life and make me happy. Thank you universe.