#970404

[transpaerent]

being saved won't save me.

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170419, 2:13a

my body is reaching it’s limits

im barely eating im barely breathing im barely sleeping

everything hurts because of my emotions and i can’t control them - the tension holding my much needed cry in is hurting my head and churning my stomach. my eyes hurt from staring at the screen for hours - not knowing it’s been hours, and days, and weeks,

i hate being like this i want to live, im barely existing, existing barely existing, bare….

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230415, 7:26a

As I’m sitting here, I’m wondering why I’ve been chosen. Why I’m alive. The pain that’s coursing through my veins is propelling me to write. Maybe words can give this dragon in my heart some breathing room amongst all of the tightly adjunct cold, dark, walls. 

I need a hug. I need help from the universe. The world is becoming colder and my anger is the only things warming me. I dream of days abroad - away from this place. I wonder if my life has gone to shit because I’m still in this place. Maybe if I had finished college, gotten a study abroad scholarship - finished my degree and went to Korea to teach english like I always wanted. Maybe my life would have been easier. Maybe I would have not failed.

I don’t know the degree to which I have made mistakes or that God has it out for me. No one gives you a rulebook and yet everything in life gets better and “gets easier”. There has to be a cosmic energy that whips your skin and the lashes never heal. There has to be because I FELT my heart breaking. My heart has been broken for 3 days, 10 hours, 45 minutes, and 14 seconds. 22 seconds. 26.

I am 26 and feel like my life has been nothing but a long mourning and a track-record of longing. Lust is a sin in the bible, but lust is what kept me alive. If I did not wish for something better, I would have died without wishing. Is that very Godly? Lust allowed me cultivate Faith. “Hallelujah! I want that.”

I beg for a release. For someone to yell “KAI” as they do in Naruto for mind control jitsu that takes over someone’s head. “KAI”. My heart is put back in place. “KAI” someone is healed from illness. “KAI” I have a job. “KAI” KAI” KAI”. 

LET ME GO.

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this little corner of the internet has been my safe space for so long, may it continue protecting me

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220916, 4:50p

I find myself coming back to this blog as a safe place. As I watch the citronella burning on my mom’s porch, I wonder why I have to protect myself all of the time. Is there peace for people like me? If it’s not mosquitos then it is the mental stress from living in this society that feeds on my body. Soul sucking, though, I would describe this place to be.  I have plans to leave the states. I waited almost 6 months for a job I could keep that wouldn’t completely drain me dry. I’m in a new partnership that I sometimes question is even right to be in. How can I cultivate love from a place like this? A place of survival and desperation feels incredibly exhausting. Is he even happy with me? Whenever he gets anxious he pulls away. I understand. I wouldn’t want a mosquito on me either. Even if it claimed it loved me. We’re all hungry like this. Hungry for fame, security, money, sex, nicotine. Or some of us, just peace. I want peace. I imagine myself sitting on a beach, laptop in lap - working, making money for myself, my brand, my life - this job I have..I’m really excited actually. I just want to show up for myself. Not to a company, not for a customer in my face - but for myself.  Can I stick to it long enough? Will I be able to breathe? I’m needing to recommit to myself again because right now I haven’t. [not finished]

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210721, 1:10a

There’s something in the air. 

Lights, camera, - Lights, camera, -

I want to push the shutter button but my finger is stuck and stiff. I wonder if the slowness of my continuum is just the halting of my momentum.

I’ve been going on and on and on for a very long time. Yet I don’t have much to show for it. Or maybe I do but I don’t feel the need to flaunt it.

I jumped off the stage long ago when I realized I was on it for everyone but myself. The mindless performance and the roles you maintain to keep peace is more exhausting than you’d think. 

I found myself in shoes that weren’t mine to fill. I found myself wading in waters when I couldn’t swim. I found myself outside of myself, which meant I never really found myself at all. I let others hold the mirror. And no one told me it was a fun house.

So distortion. And confusion. Sureness. Emptiness. Fullness. I find the cycles I live in are all internal and once I step outside of it, like the air seeping out of a balloon my container flies free! The freedom of going every-which-way only eludes to the freedom I wish to have through illusion. A container that thinks it’s flying when it’s really just running out of air.

I deserve better for myself in many ways. But it’s as if having a human body isn’t enough. It’s as if this life isn’t enough. Am I selfish or just transcendental? Maybe my delusion is my freedom. Maybe I’m the air and not the balloon at all. 

Expansive. 

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210209, 8:57p

This familiar feeling.

As if I’m floating amongst the clouds or free falling from a cliff in slow motion. My head is foggy but my focus is clear. My passion is focused and my heart is anticipating. 

Anticipating something, anything. Something quick - something impending.

My passion is one that never lifts and before it felt like a weight on my chest as if someone was using me as a stepping stone but now it feels like I’m just tired on a Tuesday night.

I used to be torn and heavily afflicted but those tears wrote the answers I was searching for. The way my heart ripped in several pieces was in the shapes of visions for my future. I’ve never been more focused, more clear, ever in my life. Sure - the innocence is gone, but it’ll leave every time I overthink. To hold on to the subtleties of its youth is a distraction from the imperativeness of its presence.

I’m 23 going on 24 with a weighty feeling of presence. As if it’s time to show up for myself and my heart - something I’ve always wanted to do anyways. I guess I have no more excuses since the fears transformed themselves into obligations.

I’m blessed and so humbled to have reached this point, I am. I hold space for all that which has died and no longer serving me. I hold space for grieving that which has left the present and transformed into a memory. I want more memories, though. I’ll always want those. (I guess the present moment always dies.)

But to live is renewal, over and over again. As I grow, as I share, as I love (my god, to love!) as I create, as I dance. To continue to be as new.

The weight is no longer a bag to carry but a skin to shed.

[transpaerent]

bitch i’m feeling chaotic lmao