wander

[jamiemclellan]

Concentricity In Sand

[uroko]

京都 美山かやぶきの里 // Miyama Kayabuki-no-sato, Kyoto

[uroko]

初秋の花咲く三千院

[ai-dream]

[transpaerent]

230624, 9:03pm

Well. I’m still here. Life has taken its course, life has continued to march forward and I’m just left with the pieces. I choose to make art, start a new class, get a tattoo, go by different names, travel to new places, breathe more life, sleep when I want, drink when I want, become a DJ, study a new language, isolate, eat healthy, dance when I want, speak to who I want, fuck when I want..

And I’m still lost with what the future is supposed to hold. I fill my life with things so that the emptiness doesn’t feel as painful. 

Sitting with pain is excruciating and I can’t bring back those who I’ve lost. SO I swim forward, hoping to see them in the waves as they crash on the shore - hoping I don’t get swept away.

But I still, don’t know how to swim.

Someone please, and I mean please, pray for me.

[transpaerent]

230415, 7:26a

As I’m sitting here, I’m wondering why I’ve been chosen. Why I’m alive. The pain that’s coursing through my veins is propelling me to write. Maybe words can give this dragon in my heart some breathing room amongst all of the tightly adjunct cold, dark, walls. 

I need a hug. I need help from the universe. The world is becoming colder and my anger is the only things warming me. I dream of days abroad - away from this place. I wonder if my life has gone to shit because I’m still in this place. Maybe if I had finished college, gotten a study abroad scholarship - finished my degree and went to Korea to teach english like I always wanted. Maybe my life would have been easier. Maybe I would have not failed.

I don’t know the degree to which I have made mistakes or that God has it out for me. No one gives you a rulebook and yet everything in life gets better and “gets easier”. There has to be a cosmic energy that whips your skin and the lashes never heal. There has to be because I FELT my heart breaking. My heart has been broken for 3 days, 10 hours, 45 minutes, and 14 seconds. 22 seconds. 26.

I am 26 and feel like my life has been nothing but a long mourning and a track-record of longing. Lust is a sin in the bible, but lust is what kept me alive. If I did not wish for something better, I would have died without wishing. Is that very Godly? Lust allowed me cultivate Faith. “Hallelujah! I want that.”

I beg for a release. For someone to yell “KAI” as they do in Naruto for mind control jitsu that takes over someone’s head. “KAI”. My heart is put back in place. “KAI” someone is healed from illness. “KAI” I have a job. “KAI” KAI” KAI”. 

LET ME GO.

[uroko]

by: 周记201904

[aoca]

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn8_UzpKJ21/

[transpaerent]

this little corner of the internet has been my safe space for so long, may it continue protecting me

[jazzafari]

[uroko]

雨

[aoca]

https://www.instagram.com/p/CpP9oZfvpMq/

[jp-arch]

アネストワン // plâtre

[transpaerent]

220916, 4:50p

I find myself coming back to this blog as a safe place. As I watch the citronella burning on my mom’s porch, I wonder why I have to protect myself all of the time. Is there peace for people like me? If it’s not mosquitos then it is the mental stress from living in this society that feeds on my body. Soul sucking, though, I would describe this place to be.  I have plans to leave the states. I waited almost 6 months for a job I could keep that wouldn’t completely drain me dry. I’m in a new partnership that I sometimes question is even right to be in. How can I cultivate love from a place like this? A place of survival and desperation feels incredibly exhausting. Is he even happy with me? Whenever he gets anxious he pulls away. I understand. I wouldn’t want a mosquito on me either. Even if it claimed it loved me. We’re all hungry like this. Hungry for fame, security, money, sex, nicotine. Or some of us, just peace. I want peace. I imagine myself sitting on a beach, laptop in lap - working, making money for myself, my brand, my life - this job I have..I’m really excited actually. I just want to show up for myself. Not to a company, not for a customer in my face - but for myself.  Can I stick to it long enough? Will I be able to breathe? I’m needing to recommit to myself again because right now I haven’t. [not finished]

[uroko]

My Neighbor Totoro となりのトトロ

[uroko]

Yohei Yamagata

[odaro]

shimogamo house / edward suzuki associates