100Days
I think there is a reason I sometimes call my mother by her first name instead of mom. She hasn’t really been a mother emotionally to me all my life. She was more like a disciplinarian and a babysitter. She always pawned us off to relatives or her friends, I honestly grew up at my grandmother’s house. A lot of things came into prospective for me when I became old enough to realize that my mother-daughter relationship was not normal.
I just fell as though my mom was and kinda still is selfish. She could not wait until we became old enough to move out, she basically kicked us out. Me, my sister, and bother all moved out the second we had the opportunity to do so. It was a no brainier for us, and our mom did not try to convince us otherwise.
Every time I call my mom for advice or something like really important, its never comforting at all. I had to block her from my phone at one point. I don’t think she noticed, because she never tries to contact me anyways. She is more interested looking like a supportive, great mom, then actually being one. It’s heart breaking sometimes.
I get jealous of other people’s parents who are actually there for them. Not just financially, but emotionally. I always have to suck it up or find a way to do it on my own. I find myself going to other people for the emotional support I long for from my own mother. We can go months without speaking to each other, but when we get in front of people, we basically pretend we have this close relationship. She doesn’t really know what goes on in my life at all.
It’s frustrating sometimes, your mom should be there for you no matter what. She’s more worried about her life to even give two shits about mine. Again, it breaks my heart to even think about. I also think my other siblings feel the same way. We always discuss it, so I know I’m not alone. I think she always regretted having children, because she had to give up a part of her life so quickly. My mom is very social, and having kids probably brought that part of her life down. I honestly don’t remember a party my mom hadn’t missed. And me becoming a babysitter to my younger siblings at the tender age of 12. She rarely came to competitions, games, track meets, interviews, practices. I felt more of a burden to her than anything, and I think that’s why I barely stayed in anything. Why stay on a team when no one was there to cheer you on, buy you items you needed, or give you the encouragement to do your best. Most of the time she refused to pick us up.
Every time I have a conversation with her, I leave it not feeling any better. Actually I feel worse most of the time. I had to grew up fast so she wouldn’t have to. We were just a bump in the road for her, that she couldn’t wait to get over. I honestly think she instilled in us a trigger to be our best so we wouldn’t have to ask her for anything ever again.
I am going to make it a point to actually be in my kids lives and to be supportive and there for them. I don’t want them to grow up feeling the way I feel every time I speak to my own mother.