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[just100daysof]

100Days

Sooooo I decided to send my mom a message on Facebook (since I don’t have a phone). I typed it all up ready to send it, then I chickened out at the last minute. This is what it said:

“Just wanted to say thank you for all you’ve done for me for the past almost 26 years i really appreciate it. I know I’m well over the age of you having to help me do anything, but it breaks my heart every time i call you and all you're worried about is you spending more money. I would think the most important part would be to make sure i have a way of getting in contact with you, I have been without a phone for only a day and I’ve already got locked out the school and had to sit on side the curve until someone decided to come outside. i also study late at night and feel as though it would be very dangerous for me to not have a way of calling the police when I leave the school in the dead of the night. Again I’m not being ungrateful, trust me i am grateful for everything you've done. you have done way more for me than you ever had to. just know just like you, i cannot wait until i do not have to even partially depend on you or anyone else, hence why I’m in pharmacy school right now and the reason I’m not giving up. every time i think about needing help form anyone...it just makes me work even harder. so i am currently trying to find someone to honestly GIVE me a phone, because i can not afford to buy my own or get on my own line. My funds are stretched to their limits each month. My boyfriend said he would give me his upgrade, but ill still have to pay for it myself.I barely have money to pay my bills, let alone buy a phone. i cannot work a full time job and still be in good standings in school. I literally study 8+ hours a day on top pf school and extra curricular that they are making us do. i just though while I was in school and unable to work a full 40 hours a week (trust me, I would if I could) you guys would find it in our hearts to help. because I know after I graduate you guys would expect me to help y'all. and I was planning on doing just that. I totally understand that I am grown, but I am also unable to fully 100% take care of myself while in school. I literally pay all my other bills by myself, added stress on top of what i do everyday. I sit and cry just thinking about how I do not have the support I need. It just makes everything a little more unnecessarily hard. Just wanted to say thanks for everything you've done so far, and i wont bother you anymore with my needs.”

I sent this to my sister first to get her reaction, it definitely wasn’t what i was expecting. She din’t really have a comment. So I decided not to send it to my mom. It would only break her heart, even though she breaks my heart almost daily. It would have been disrespectful to send it to her, so I’ll keep my feelings to myself, to ultimately spare hers. 

[anxietyproblem]

[just100daysof]

100Days

I think there is a reason I sometimes call my mother by her first name instead of mom. She hasn’t really been a mother emotionally to me all my life. She was more like a disciplinarian and a babysitter. She always pawned us off to relatives or her friends, I honestly grew up at my grandmother’s house. A lot of things came into prospective for me when I became old enough to realize that my mother-daughter relationship was not normal. 

I just fell as though my mom was and kinda still is selfish. She could not wait until we became old enough to move out, she basically kicked us out. Me, my sister, and bother all moved out the second we had the opportunity to do so. It was a no brainier for us, and our mom did not try to convince us otherwise. 

Every time I call my mom for advice or something like really important, its never comforting at all. I had to block her from my phone at one point. I don’t think she noticed,  because she never tries to contact me anyways. She is more interested looking like a supportive, great mom, then actually being one. It’s heart breaking sometimes. 

I get jealous of other people’s parents who are actually there for them. Not just financially, but emotionally. I always have to suck it up or find a way to do it on my own. I find myself going to other people for the emotional support I long for from my own mother. We can go months without speaking to each other, but when we get in front of people, we basically pretend we have this close relationship. She doesn’t really know what goes on in my life at all. 

It’s frustrating sometimes, your mom should be there for you no matter what. She’s more worried about her life to even give two shits about mine. Again, it breaks my heart to even think about. I also think my other siblings feel the same way. We always discuss it, so I know I’m not alone. I think she always regretted having children, because she had to give up a part of her life so quickly. My mom is very social, and having kids probably brought that part of her life down. I honestly don’t remember a party my mom hadn’t missed. And me becoming a babysitter to my younger siblings at the tender age of 12. She rarely came to competitions, games, track meets, interviews, practices. I felt more of a burden to her than anything, and I think that’s why I barely stayed in anything. Why stay on a team when no one was there to cheer you on, buy you items you needed, or give you the encouragement to do your best. Most of the time she refused to pick us up.  

Every time I have a conversation with her, I leave it not feeling any better. Actually I feel worse most of the time. I had to grew up fast so she wouldn’t have to. We were just a bump in the road for her, that she couldn’t wait to get over. I honestly think she instilled in us a trigger to be our best so we wouldn’t have to ask her for anything ever again. 

I am going to make it a point to actually be in my kids lives and to be supportive and there for them. I don’t want them to grow up feeling the way I feel every time I speak to my own mother. 

[just100daysof]

100Days

Today is just not my day. It’s kinda comical at whats’s all happening lately. I can not help but cry sometimes. On top of school and the two test I have coming up, I also have responsibilities in my organizations, bills to pay, and a job (I currently don’t have). The job part of my day is what really took me out. I have been taken for a ride for months with this new company and they do not even care.One day I get a call out the blue from the District Manager saying I had until Friday to contact him back or I was basically saying I didn’t want the job. I for one not only want the job.... I NEEEEDDDDD THE JOB!!!!! I have bills to pay unlike some of my classmates. Real bills, that have to be paid on time. The only reason I have made it this far without going apes**t on the new company is because I had a little money saved up. I though everything was being taken care of, but of course I was wrong. I used up my whole savings waiting around to hear back from them. And now I’m not only broke I have to keep living with a roommate until I can save up enough money to move out. I already tried to get my boyfriend to move up here with me, but that was a bust. It’s frustrating because I don’t know what to do, I had plans and they got shut down. I feel very defeated. 

When I got in touch with the new District Manager, I was basically told to reapply for the job. After the way they treated me, I do not want to work for this new company. Obviously, they do not care about their employees and potential future employees. Part of the reason I do not like big companies. They claimed they tried to contact me multiple times and it’s all my fault that I do not have a job right now. I lost it in the car and began to cry. I was lost for words honestly. Not only did they screw me over, I lost all my savings in the process. And every time I think about it my heart sinks. 

The money I saved was for a down payment and first couple of months rent for my own apartment. I really want my own apartment, because I am tired of having a roommate. I’m almost 26 years old and I need my own space. My situation now really isn’t that bad, and I feel bad for even complaining, but there are things that I know isn’t ideal. I’m so easy going and passive, that I can get along with anyone and still be cordial. After sharing a room with my sister for 18 years, I know a thing or two lol. my current roommate is very impulsive, untidy, and her boyfriend almost practically lives here. He’s not here all the time, but DAMN!! She’s loud and always have random people over all the time and not only that, but she shops too much and bring home random stuff that she might only use once. We have limited space in our apartment, and it’s becoming unbearable. When it comes to school, she always brings negativity in my space, and I find myself participating in the negativity. I’ve learned at an early age how to take care of myself and to only ask for help when I absolutely have too. Part of the reason is because my mom is selfish and my step-dad have upward of 15 kids and step-kids combined. It hurts when my friends describe the things their parents pay for for them. Sometimes I just quietly laugh, because I know I’m struggling and if my parents just took one of my bills off my hands I could live a more care-free life, especially while I’m in school. 

My boyfriend refused to come live with me, my parents refuse to help pay my bills, and currently have no job. I’m freaking out!!!! But I have to pretend like everything is okay. Every time I complain to anyone, I get the same reaction and same advice. I guess I have to figure it all out on my own.....AGAIN!!!!!

[just100daysof]

100Days

It’s always been hard for me to express myself openly, but for the past couple of years I have been trying to d just that. I have been trying so hard for years of my life to have an effective way of actually expressing myself, letting out anger, or just getting thoughts processed. This maybe an actual way for me to finally let go and have my truth available and open. Because I am the least open person i know....so I am gonna try to be authentic and truthful. This maybe the only way I can heal. Not that I’m physically or mentally hurt. Just repairing my thoughts to get me through. 

It’s always nice to have someone to talk to, but sometimes I feel like I’m being bothersome to them or they just don’t understand. That is not always fair because, I can not expect for someone to just know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. And that’s one of my problems. That and I have a hard time expressing and explaining  myself verbally. Everything makes sense in my head, but when I go to actually speak on it.....nothing. It is definitely frustrating, but now I am going to make it a goal of mine to better express myself verbally. 

I tried the whole counseling thing, I mean it’s free on campus, but that did NOT work out. The guy I was assigned to made it weird. Not in a pervy way, just in the exact same way my family was treating me. All the high hopes for me, just pressure. Just because he though we came from the same background, he seen me, a young black female in professional school and automatically started putting me in categories. For our whole hour long session, I probably got in 20 words. I was really depressed, or so I though, in the weeks leading up to the session. I was not doing goof in school and had actually failed a class, and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through. My parents and family members never had to go through the stress and actual work I am currently going through. Non of them have been in my shoes and it’s hard for me to talk to them about what I am going through. I get a lot of,,,”you got this”....”keep praying”....”you can do it”...etc, etc., etc.. It’s tiring to have no one to talk to that wants to listen and understand. Everybody always have a quick fix, but no one wants to take the time to actually fix anything. I have given up talking to them. Do not get me wrong, I got through that rough patch because of them, and their prayers. I got through a lot because of them, I just wish they understood more. I just need that support and encouragement, without having the feeling they are only doing it because they know I’m going to be a doctor one day. They can’t miss out on that apparent “payday”. I can not imagine what athletes go through having people there just to support you because they think you’re gonna be something one day. 

That’s one thing I hate and it’s being fake. If you do not like me the way I am, then I am sorry. I refuse to be an ass kisser, or someone who changes their whole personality around certain people. I am a very good observer, and it has been a blessing since I’ve been young. If you just sit back and let people show you who they are, you don’t have to be fake and change your personalty to fit theirs. If you observe them and you know your personality and theirs won’t mix, you don’t mix them. In situations where I have to communicate with people who are not particularly like me, I take steps to work my personality in a little at a time. I have been very lucky over my 25 years to have figured myself out enough to be a social loner. I really enjoy my alone time. It’s a time for me to just reflect on myself, and to take me time. I do not understand people who always need to be around action all the time. I would think it would get exhausting, but then again they may feel the same way about me always wanting to be alone. 

My roommate is one of those people. Extroverted as it gets. And I think we even each other out. But I think I’m comfortable enough with myself to play both roles in my life now. I can be sociable, but only when I want to. It feels nice to have an on and off switch to it. I remember how shy I used to be in elementary and middle school. But as I got older I realized it was holding me back. I think I was so shy, because I always though everybody was judging my every move. I still have trouble speaking in front of crowds to this day. I really surprise myself sometimes, because I have moments where I can go in front of people and speak and be confident and lively. No stuttering or second guessing myself. Those are the times I feel the most alive and in the moment. I have taught myself how to let go and just be in the moment. Sometimes I forget, and I’m back to the old, shy me. There is no way I can distinguish what personality I will have that day. It’s sometimes a surprise to me. I do know one thing, I am not finished fining myself yet. Shoot I have 99 more days to gooooooooooooooo.