It’s been so long (I was about to type a while but I realized, it wasn’t just a while, was it?). How are you? Things are tough nowadays, aren’t they? I hope you are coping up well. I would want to comfort you whenever you need it, but obviously, I can’t.
I miss you so much. I get updates a lot about you nowadays, because we are all active now, and you post a lot on social media, too (because you’re finally back from the military! Yaaay!!). But why is it that I am still missing you so much?
Whenever I see your picture, I miss you. And whenever I hear you sing or talk, I miss you even more! I can;t handle my feelings properly, and I long for you so much. I don’t even know why. I guess... you’re one of my coping mechanisms in life.
I have so much to tell you. I don’t have anyone to share these to, so maybe I’ll just share my thoughts with you.
Things are tough for me nowadays, too. It was triggered when your dongsaeng, Jonghyun, passed away. Because of him, I realized a lot of things about my life. How I felt the same way, yet in a different circumstance, with what he must’ve felt while battling his depression. You know Hae, most of the time, I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel so exhausted that I just want to disappear, to evaporate. When Jonghyun died, I even asked if I can go with him. If he can bring me with him. Hahaha. Silly me for asking that to him, huh? No, not just silly, rude even. (Jonghyun oppa, I’m sorry for asking such rude things to you :( I pray that you’re in a good place now, safe, sound, more than happy, and at peace. We love you!!!).
But you know what... remember what you asked in One Fine Day? You asked why the fans are thanking you when you should be the one who are thanking us.
This is why, Haehae. This is why we thank you. This is why I thank you. Because you save me. It’s like God gave me you for me to be saved. Donghae, you are one of the reasons why I keep on fighting. You are one of the reasons why I am alive, and why I chose to live despite the open option of taking my own life away. You give me strength when I’m down through your music, your voice, and your wholeness. When I simply see your face, a wide smile will suddenly appear on my face. And my heart go berserk. You are one of the reasons why I want to continue on, despite everything being so hard and heavy and sad and empty and lonely. You light up my world. You give color to my dark life. You’re my miracle.
You are, indeed, God’s blessing to me. You are God’s miracle. I should really be thanking God for all of this. For you. He created a beautiful creature like you. A creature very softhearted. A creature very kind and understanding and simple. A creature very capable of loving to his heart’s content.
It may be hard, and may still be hard until I don’t know when, but I will surely hold on to you and not give up. You know, I still have this dream of meeting you up-close and in person. And I won’t give up on that dream! Because that is also one of the reasons why I am still going and will keep on going; that I am moving and will keep on moving. I will keep on shoving those thorns and get out of the thorny path to a flowery and grassy one with you. With the people I treasure the most.
Lee Donghae, this is why we thank you. Because you save us from all the dark things. I loved you, I love you, and I will love you until the end of time. And also, thank you. Thank you for being soft yet very strong. I get strength from you! You are one of my inspirations. I love you, and thank you.
P.S. I have a lot of oppas nowdays. Lee Jongsuk, Chae Hyungwon, Yoon Dowoon, Kang Brian, Ong Seongwoo, Park Jihoon, Hwang Minhyun, Jonghyun (Nu’est), and a lot more on the list! But please know that you will always be the number 1 in my heart. You are my first and forever love. And you will never be replaced. I love you, Haehae.
