Dear Hae

Deaaarest Hae, I started this blog when you were still in the military because I wanted to send my letters to you like all the other fans did, but I couldn't because I don't know how and we're countries apart. Still, I hope my heart reaches you. With love, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Remember the job that I ranted about in my last post? Haha, I got rejected. :")

I don't know anymore, I'm really losing hope and motivation, but I'll still keep on trying. So there would be no regrets when the time comes and I can't achieve my goal. Because at least I tried, right?

I'm trying so hard to be okay rn.

I hope you're doing well.

Always, Ky

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Hi!!!!

I'm so nervous right now because I just finished a job interview, and it was for a job that I really want to get!!! Because they pay okay but what I like is they pay weekly, which is what I need right now becauseeeee!!! IU CONCERT!!! hahahaha. but yeah, hhh.

You know how I'm kinda confident speaking and writing in english, but when it comes to job interviews, I stutter a lot!! like a lot!! and the english just goes away and suddenly I don't know how to english anymore! I don't know what to say anymore. :(( I was asked to share any personal stuff and all I said was since I dropped out of school I just practice graphics designing using photoshop and illustrator, and also read books and watch movies and kdrama. I wasn't even able to say that I am very interested in cetaceans and that I love dolphins and orcas!!!!! I hate it hereee huhuhuhu I hate that this is happening huhuhuhu I know I can do it, I trust my communication skills (I try hard, very hard, and I hope they know that and understand that huhuhu), I trust myself when it comes to work (nevermind the other aspects of life), I know I can do a job well even if I'm new to it. I may be a little jittery and anxious but I can do it, Hae, I know I can! :((

I hope they will hire me :(( They train from the ground up so I know I can keep up with that :(( I just need a job good lord Jesus :(( please I'm so desperate now aaaahhh

I'm sorry if I was ranting here in my letter to you. I just wanted to vent without having anyone read it because I'm scared I might be jinxed or something :( I just need a job it's so hard to be poor pleaaaase.

Hhh. Anyway!! I hope I'll get the job, Haehae. I know you wouldn't see this but please pray for meeee hahahaha. Please :<

But if I don't, then... okay... back to job hunting :(

I'll be okay!! I'll be fine!!! It's okay!! It's going to be okay!!.... right? Hay, I'm really so anxious. I don't know what I should feel. I'm hoping for the best but I'm scared to be disappointed at myself again. :(

Hhh anyhooo!! Enough with the yapping, I still have a doctor's appointment!

Bye hae! Thanks for being my outlet today! I hope you'll have a good day ♥

Always, Ky

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Hello! Omg, it's been more than a year again since my last letter to you. I wasn't even able to tell you about the 2-day SS9 that I attended, and that was what my last post was about. Hhhhhh I had such a great time and when I got home to my friend's condo, I just went straight to packing because I have a flight to catch early December 19, so I didn't really have time to actually sit and write something huhuhu (I was in standing on the 2nd day and I've been standing for half a day that day so the exhaustion was really crazy. but definitely worth it!!!!!!) I'll find time next time to reminisce and tell you about it!

Anyway, I'm back here because I'm kinda feeling dejected right now and I just want to tell someone about it, and that someone is you! Haha.

I honestly don't know if I still have a future. I've been applying for different kinds of online jobs for more than a month now and still, nothing. And I am in desperate need of money because I don't want to be a burden to my family anymore. I need money for my medicine and for other stuff that I need, especially when I go back to school in an entirely different place. I need to sustain myself because I really really really don't want to be a burden anymore. The only motivation I have right now is IU's concert this June 1, to be honest. I badly want to see her live before I die that's why I'm really doing everything I can just so I can get the money I needed for that. Super Junior, IU, Day6, Seventeen are the artists that saved me countless times when I was in the darkest, most shittiest place, thus I really want to see you all in this lifetime before the heavens (or hell) decide to take me away.

I am so desperate but at the same time I'm also losing hope. And I don't want to lost hope. Because I really really really need money. I'm scared to lose all the hope that I have left in my body because if that happens, I will probably hit rock bottom again and will probably never recover ever again.

Ah. It's so hard to be poor, lol. Will I ever succeed in this life? Will I ever experience to live my days worry-free? Will I ever earn even just enough money to let myself (and my pets) live? To help my parents in their medical needs? To afford eating out without worrying about the price of the food that we want to eat? To afford treating my family out sometimes? I don't know. But I hope so (and I say this with all the hope left in me).

Hhh. I'm currently listening to your ballad songs while I'm writing this, just to avoid breaking down. See? You're going to save me today once again. I honestly owe my life to you, my favorite artists. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here writing this anymore.

I hope we'll see each other again. If my life allows.

Is it spring already in Korea? If so, I hope you'll have a wonderful and worry-free spring, Ddeohae. Eat a lot, exercise well, work well, live well, and be happy! I love you! Thank you once again ♥

Always with love, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

I'm going to see you again today, I'm so excited ^^ and guess what? I'm going to see you tomorrow as well!!!! I won a ticket through PHELF's (Super Santa) ticket giveaway initiative (because we all want to fill the arena for you, but not everyone, like me, has the 💸means💸 to buy tickets 🥹) ELFs are very generous, and they gave me and 299 more ELFs a chance to see you all on Day 2! It's so amazing I literally cried when I knew I won one ticket! I'm going to see you for TWO DAYS!!! THIS IS SUCH A BLESSING TO ME 😭 Literally thank you so much to PHELFs and my friend, ate Suzy. I wouldn't be here if not because of them. I will forever hold this close to heart and I will forever be grateful to them.

I hope the next time you go here for SS10, I already have money for myself so that I can afford your tickets na 🥺 as long as I'm alive, I'll try to see you whenever there is a chance and whenever I can.

I'm already inside the arena (but not yet in the /arena/ arena hahaha) waiting for the doors to open. See you in less than 2 hours, Haehae and all the sujus! We missed you so much. Thank you for coming back to us.

With love,

Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Hello! I've been meaning to write here again months ago because I have a great news to tell you but I always forget to do so ><

Anywaaaaayyyyyy!!! The last letter I posted for you was me sulking because I can't attend SS9 in Manila hahahah but guess what haehae?!?!

I WAS ABLE TO ATTEND LAST AUGUST 6!! And I'M GOING ON DECEMBER 17 AS WELL!!! (and hopefully 18 if the universe lets me get this chance again hehe) How so, you ask? Because the universe and the heavens blessed me with a really really good, kind, and precious person and friend who thought that I deserve to be given this opportunity despite me thinking otherwise because I have been nothing but an absent friend most of the time.

Her name is Suzy, a very big fan of other groups s/a Blackpink, The Boyz, and Sejeong, and she surprised me with a Super Seated ticket :(( You know how much that costs, right? I really still can't believe she did that for me, Hae. I am blessed and very grateful to have someone who thinks that I deserve this big of a thing even if even I myself rejects that thought (and me being deserving of kindness in general). I don't know if I have thanked her enough, but I will continue to thank her every chance I get, in any way I could think of, as long as I'm alive.

This is such a big deal to me because, come on, it's SUPER JUNIOR!!! I'm going to see you!!! And that's what I've always wanted!!! And she gave me that opportunity! AND A VIP TICKET AT THAT?? Holy shit- I don't know man... I'm going to cry again just thinking about this ajsdhfajksldfah and that's not the only kind thing she's ever done to me, Hae. She's been nothing but very supportive of me since the day we became solid friends. She listens to my rants, gives me support even though we're countries apart. I am really blessed with good people in this life, despite my mental struggles. My family, my closest friends, and you, my Super Junior. I think I can do this life a little longer as long as I have you all.

Soooo yeah! There's the big news! I'm going to see you! Again! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! And I hope, I really really hope that I'll get to see you again on Super Show 10 and the next super shows to come, and hopefully this time, using my own money (because I'm not really shameless come onnnn hadskjfadhfh). I will really try to live and to work hard so that I can see you a lot! Hhhhhh.

I miss you! And I'm excited to see you again. I hope you will look my way (wow ganda ko teh HAHAHA). I'm seated at 219 Row F hehehe. See you in 2 weeks, my loveeee! All of you stay healthy, okay?! I'm actually very anxious right now because there's something going on with Heechul in bubble but that will be for another post on another day. I just hope this will all die down tomorrow and I hope we're just all worried for nothing :(

I love you all so so so so so much. Thank you for being Super Junior ♥

See you soon, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Hello! It's been years since I last wrote for (to?) you in this blog (I was still in senior high school then). But there was not a single moment in all those years that I haven't thought of you. I'm already a college senior now (I'm supposed to graduate this year but life happened so yeah haha), and guess what?! I still adore you, you liddol man >:( This year is my 14th year of loving, supporting, and rooting for you and the sujus, can you believe that? Literally more than half of my life hahahaha. You are, indeed, my youth. Although I'm not as active as I used to be anymore, since I'm too unstable to do so. But rest assured that the love I have for you and the group is still as stable and as unhinged as the first time I met you all hahahaha.

Apparently, you're going back here in the Philippines for Super Show 9. God, can you imagine, it's already a Super Show "9"!!! NEXT TO THAT IS ALREADY A TWO DIGIT NUMBER!! AAAAAAAAAAA HUHUHUHUHU I'm so happy and so proud of you, uncles! Thank you so much for staying strong despite all the shit you went through. Thank you for staying as Super Junior through all these years. Thank you for renewing your contracts! Please, let's make it to Super Show 50, shall we?! Hahahaha.

But yeah here's the thing... I can't attend SS9 here in Manila because no money and ticket pricey :((( The ticket selling was last Sunday, July 17. And idk if the tickets are already sold out, I never looked up for any updates anymore because I was seriously so sad and I was sulking so bad I drank 2 bottles of soju all by myself haha :(( I am /that/ sad! JSDHKASJDH. I really, really want to see you so bad. But unfortunately, I can't... again. The last time I saw you was during SS5 which was 9 years ago and I was still 14 years old then huhuhuhuhu I really just want to see all of you this year but... :(((

I was thinking if I could, like, say hi at the airport once you arrive, at least. But damn, commuting from where I live to the airport is so hard I might cry if I can't find a ride home :(( (also, I honestly don't know how to go there and the easiest way is to book a Grab which is hella expensive btw, and I'm dirt poor!) So really, I don't know what to do :( I really just want to see you aaaaaahhhhh is that too bad :( Am I being too selfish right now? :((

Will you come back? For SS10? Because I promise I will be there!! I /SHOULD/ be there!!! I /MUST/ be there!!! Istg, I'll try really hard to save enough money starting next month just so I could afford a VIP ticket by SS10. :((( I really want to see you AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I don't know how to end this. I'm just basically whining in this letter hahasdhfasjdhfjahsdfhaaffsjdfh huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu please let me see you again in this lifetime AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

anyway, ;___;, I love you all! I love you, Ddeohae! Please stay healthy for a really, really long time, and let's meet every time we get the chance! Let's meet on SS10, SS11, and so on! Stay healthy, stay crazy, and stay Super Junior! Please live a long life with all the Sujus. Please meet us ELFs even in your 50s or 60s. Haha. I love you all so much and I'm so proud of all of you. I'm so proud to be an ELF too! I love you lots. Always. Forever. In all universes. And in all lifetimes.

See you soon, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

It’s been so long (I was about to type a while but I realized, it wasn’t just a while, was it?). How are you? Things are tough nowadays, aren’t they? I hope you are coping up well. I would want to comfort you whenever you need it, but obviously, I can’t.

I miss you so much. I get updates a lot about you nowadays, because we are all active now, and you post a lot on social media, too (because you’re finally back from the military! Yaaay!!). But why is it that I am still missing you so much?

Whenever I see your picture, I miss you. And whenever I hear you sing or talk, I miss you even more! I can;t handle my feelings properly, and I long for you so much. I don’t even know why. I guess... you’re one of my coping mechanisms in life.

I have so much to tell you. I don’t have anyone to share these to, so maybe I’ll just share my thoughts with you.

Things are tough for me nowadays, too. It was triggered when your dongsaeng, Jonghyun, passed away. Because of him, I realized a lot of things about my life. How I felt the same way, yet in a different circumstance, with what he must’ve felt while battling his depression. You know Hae, most of the time, I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel so exhausted that I just want to disappear, to evaporate. When Jonghyun died, I even asked if I can go with him. If he can bring me with him. Hahaha. Silly me for asking that to him, huh? No, not just silly, rude even. (Jonghyun oppa, I’m sorry for asking such rude things to you :( I pray that you’re in a good place now, safe, sound, more than happy, and at peace. We love you!!!).

But you know what... remember what you asked in One Fine Day? You asked why the fans are thanking you when you should be the one who are thanking us.

This is why, Haehae. This is why we thank you. This is why I thank you. Because you save me. It’s like God gave me you for me to be saved. Donghae, you are one of the reasons why I keep on fighting. You are one of the reasons why I am alive, and why I chose to live despite the open option of taking my own life away. You give me strength when I’m down through your music, your voice, and your wholeness. When I simply see your face, a wide smile will suddenly appear on my face. And my heart go berserk. You are one of the reasons why I want to continue on, despite everything being so hard and heavy and sad and empty and lonely. You light up my world. You give color to my dark life. You’re my miracle.

You are, indeed, God’s blessing to me. You are God’s miracle. I should really be thanking God for all of this. For you. He created a beautiful creature like you. A creature very softhearted. A creature very kind and understanding and simple.  A creature very capable of loving to his heart’s content.

It may be hard, and may still be hard until I don’t know when, but I will surely hold on to you and not give up. You know, I still have this dream of meeting you up-close and in person. And I won’t give up on that dream! Because that is also one of the reasons why I am still going and will keep on going; that I am moving and will keep on moving. I will keep on shoving those thorns and get out of the thorny path to a flowery and grassy one with you. With the people I treasure the most.

Lee Donghae, this is why we thank you. Because you save us from all the dark things. I loved you, I love you, and I will love you until the end of time. And also, thank you. Thank you for being soft yet very strong. I get strength from you! You are one of my inspirations. I love you, and thank you.

See you soon, Ky.

P.S. I have a lot of oppas nowdays. Lee Jongsuk, Chae Hyungwon, Yoon Dowoon, Kang Brian, Ong Seongwoo, Park Jihoon, Hwang Minhyun, Jonghyun (Nu’est), and a lot more on the list! But please know that you will always be the number 1 in my heart. You are my first and forever love. And you will never be replaced. I love you, Haehae.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

A song played on my mom’s laptop and it suddenly reminded me of you. I don’t exactly know how and why, since it’s a vispop song and it doesn’t talk about love in particular lol but it was a soothing song. Relaxing. One that makes you want to sleep in peace hahaha. Maybe the reason why it reminded me of you is because of the feelings I felt. Soothed and relaxed. I’m honestly like that whenever I see you. You make me relax.

But seriously tho, when it played, your face and your name entered my mind. And I suddenly felt that heavy feeling of missing you terribly again. See how complicated? You make me relax, yes, but at the same time, you make me feel heavy because of missing you! 아이구~! Hahaha. I know in less than 3 months, you’re going to be discharged already. But I still can’t grasp that fact and I still feel like I still need to wait for more years. sigh. I miss you so bad, Hae.

Whenever I see pictures of you, I’m honestly always speechless. That’s why I only quote-tweet it with “aigoo my baby i miss him” or “aaaahhhh 3 months to go and i’ll see you again! can’t wait!” or “look at this precious guy. i love and miss him.” It aint totally speechless, but considering the fact that that’s always the thought of everything I say related to you nowadays makes me quite speechless. Right? Hahahaha did you get my point hnnggz hahaahaha

But anyway, again, I miss you terribly and I can’t really wait for the day I see you tweet stuffs again about randon things and post pictures on ig about the rain, or with the other members and, of course, Hyukkie. ㅋㅋㅋㅋ. I hope to see you again personally soon. And I hope I can attend your future Super Shows ♡ I LOVE YOU TO BITS!!!

With love, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

It’s been months since I last wrote you a letter. And it's already 2017! Last thing I told you about was Kangin’s 2nd incident, and the stuff concerning it and connected to it. But although I haven’t written much to you since then, you were constantly on my thoughts.

Well quite honestly, not really everyday tho ㅋㅋㅋ Mian~ I was honestly thinking of another guy. The one who tore me in half and broke my heart into pieces lol. I want to tell you about him, but I guess now is not the right time since it’d be super long and it’s 2:28 AM here lol yas, it’s 2AM and I am missing you terribly (now this is honest). But thinking that I only need to wait for less than 3 months more makes me feel giddy inside and excited for your comeback ㅋㅋㅋ i’ve seen a lot of pictures of you on Twitter and Facebook. And I see that you’re doing very well. That makes me so proud as your fan, supporter, and of course, everlasting friend (whose existence you don’t know, mehe ✌).

Anw, I’ll just write up to here, Hae-ah~ I need to sleep now or else if eomma will wake up and see me still using my phone I’ll be dead meat again hahaha. I love you, Lee Donghae. I miss you, and see you again VERY SOON.

With love, Ky

P.S. can’t wait to retweet your tweets and like your posts and read your silly captions to everything.

P.P.S. can’t wait to see your post about how you love rain again!

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

It’s 1AM here, and I’m still up. Are you still awake, too? :^)

Anyway, I’m so sorry for not being able to write to you these past few months. I got so many childish schedules and I also uninstalled my tumblr app bcs my phone’s memory is full lol but it’s back to normal now and I was able to install tumblr again so yeah hihihi! I saw a lot of latest pictures and updates of you cutely performing on stage wearing your police uniform, or even roaming wherever with Siwon and Changmin. You even did that cute mascot thingy with Changmin oppa! You are so cute doing that 😆

Oh, by the way oppa, I think you’ve heard about Kangin already, haven’t you? Oppa, to be honest, I was really disappointed with him. But I can’t really bring myself to despise him and to also join others request for him to be kicked out from SJ. I DON’T REALLY AGREE TO THAT. Because that’s just too much. And I very well know that you don’t don’t don’t don’t DON’T like that idea either. Have you already talked to him? Have you talked together with the members already? Sigh, I hope I can get an answer, because I’m really REALLY worried. I love you, I love Kangin and I love SJ to bits and I don’t want you to break apart just like that. I don’t want our SJELF family to break apart.

But oppa, I believe in you (the whole SJ), and I know that you know how to handle this situation because you are already matured enough to talk about stuffs like this and decide. I know and I believe that we can go through all these together. We’re always at your back, oppas. Don’t give up alright? Go and talk with your brothers. And don’t cry Haehae, it makes me weak. I love you.

With love, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

sigh. I heard you're sick. And it's bad because your immune system is low. What happened? Please get well now. I got really worried when I knew. And not only me but every ELF who knew got really worried, especially ELFishes. Please take care of your health, okay bb? We're just always here to cheer you up and make you feel better. Did Hyukjae visited you or something? I hope he did. I know his presence will make you feel better :^) also your mom and hyung and your dad's love. I love you, Donghae oppa. Please take care always, just like how we take care of ourselves out here because you said so and you also want us to. Again, I love you and may God bless and guide you always. Sincerely, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Why are their minds so creative and beautiful? And why is mine just like this? So simple. As simple as black and white. Are my letters supposed to be that creative but it ended up being like this? Or am I not born to be as creative as them? Or neither of the two and I'm just being envious again? sigh... I hope you're here to tell me to not be envious and just do things in my own, unique way. Besides, I'm unique, right? That's what you're thinking, right? I hope so...

I miss you so much. Send us more letters, okay? Whenever I read your letters it makes me feel happy inside. I love you, Hae oppa.

Sincerely, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

I’m sick right now ㅠㅠ I got sore eyes. sigh.. how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Don’t get sick and lonely okay? Take care of your health as much as we take care of ours (because you always ask us to ㅋㅋ so i ask you in return). We’re doing fine here outside and we’re looking after the other members so don’t worry too much. See you next year!

Loveyou oppa! :^)

Sincerely, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

So this is still my 2nd letter to you haahahaha Happy New Year bb! I kept on seeing new pictures/videos and updates of you on instagram and twitter with some fans. That made me happy because even though you're still enlisted in the army and doing your training, you're still meeting with fans and interact with them if you have free time. Well, in that way, you won't really miss us so much, right? ㅋㅋ But even though I feel happy, I'm also feeling a bit different. Not sure if this is sadness or what but seeing those pics and vids made me think how lucky the other fans are to meet and get a selfie with you and talk to you. While me... just here, retweeting stuffs about you and missing you so bad. And there are also fans who get to say "saranghae" in front of you but here I am, expressing my love for you by tweeting you my i-miss-you's and i-love-you's or any random stuff (lol) or posting something about you or this, writing a letter for you. A letter that you can't even read.

But it's okay. I accept my situation and my reality. Because this is what God has planned for me (and for the both of us? Hahahahaha sounds like we're in a relationship LOL). And we don't know but maybe God has something great in stored for us, right? I mean, maybe God has planned that I'll meet you someday, or something like that, right? But just not now. I'm not creating false hopes for myself, because I believe that nothing is impossible with God :) sigh. Right now, I'm just holding onto God's plans for me, Hae.

In God's plan, I hope and I pray to meet you soon! I love you, oppa.

Sincerely, Ky.

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Annyeong! This is my first letter to you (well obviously). Kk~ Right now, you’re still in the army, and I know you’re doing well. And adjusting well, too, maybe? Of course! Our little baby is all grown up and manly now! But naahh, you’re still a baby for us ELFS, you’re still our baby Hae, and that’ll never change. Kkk~

Are there times that you feel lonely? Well I tell you, don’t be. Just think of your mom, dad and Donghwa hyung, think of Super Junior, think of those members who are doing well in the army like you and also those members who are doing their individual schedules right now, and of course, think of Hyukjae! Kk~ That way, you won’t be feeling really lonely, right? Or.... no? Because some says that if you’re away from your loved ones and keep thinking of them, then you’ll get lonely and miss them even more! Am I right? Probably. But there are also people who says that if you think of the ones you love while you’re away from them, think of them as your inspiration, and it’ll be able to make you do the things you need to do in an inspired mood and finish it quickly and you won’t be able to notice the time until one day, you’ll just wake up and realize it’s your last day in the army already and tomorrow, you’ll get to see their faces again! Isn’t that good? Me, I like the latter more, so better do that! Kkk~

2 years isn’t a long time. Time goes by quickly when you’re enjoying, so better enjoy your army training! Even though it’s hard and you need to take it reaaally seriously, still, you can enjoy it in a way :) You’re a happy baby anyway. Hihi. We’ll wait for all of you too, so don’t worry. We, ELFs, will never leave your side, no matter what happens. You trust us, don’t you? Don’t worry, we won’t break your trust!

Right now, while I’m typing this, I’m listening to songs that has sad melodies like ‘My Love For You’, ‘Love is Sweet’, and ‘Islands’. And honestly, it makes me want to cry. But I can’t cry right now. I’m at my parent’s room and they’re sleeping, and if they’ll wake up and see me crying they might ask me what’s the matter. And I don’t want to tell them that I’m crying because I miss you, they’ll just laugh at me like that so yeah. Better contain it, eh? Anyway, I know you also don’t want us ELFs to cry. So yep, I won’t! :) I’ll be strong and wait for you! Even though you don’t know my entire existence, it’s okay! As long as you know us, ELFs, then it’ll feel like you know us individually too, including me.

So, ehrm, Hae, Merry Christmas! I love you and I miss you! Stay healthy and be good! Don’t be silly and naughty so that you won’t get into trouble, okay? Hyukjae’s not there to rescue you so better behave. Hahahaha I hope to see you as soon as you’ll be discharged from the army. But I bet that’ll be impossible... because I’m in a different country, and I’m not as rich as the other fans who can go to Seoul and see you whenever they want. But still, as always, it’s okay! God has his ways and plans. I’ll just stick to it. Hihi.

Again, Donghae oppa, Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,

Ky.