#a reflection on

[flowerbeom]

[thrivingwhilemultiple]

That’s the keystone question behind any reveal: What’s my motive? What am I looking for? What do I want to happen? What do I want not to happen? And, whatever the outcome, how will I handle it?

[aflatwhiteplease]

A Reflection On: Mistress America, Solitude, and Cool People

As soon as I landed in London, I went to the nearest cinema and finally watched Mistress America. Being in a cinema that screens a diverse number of movies with several screening events that actually makes you think, watching a movie there makes you feel a little bit cultured and probably cooler than everyone else. Which, I am absolutely not. Of course, I watched it alone since none of my friends can be bothered to spend £11 on a movie they’re not interested in. “Is that some indie movie like the one you showed me that one time?” “Kind of” Then, they proceed to scan through the TV and landed on Catfish, because why not?

Just as I arrived at the cinema, I immediately became self-aware and realised how everyone there were probably better than me in terms of several things I’d rather not mention, as I’d become even more anxious. This was probably due to several things such as: I had just arrived in the City of London after 3 months back home in Jakarta which I spent doing nothing worth mentioning, the typical self-limiting mentality most Indonesians have when faced with foreigners which, in this case are people in the cinema, and mostly because I was alone. It’s stupid, I know, because a) no one cares that I’m alone b) a lot of them are alone too except several couples who are incredibly touchy at that time c) it’s a cinema not a club.

Mistress America is a movie directed by my all-time favourite director Noah Baumbach and co-written by also my all-time favourite actress Greta Gerwig, which served another reason why I was So Eager to watch it. It’s a movie about a lonely college freshman’s life being turned upside down by her impetuous, adventurous soon-to-be stepsister (I copied it from IMDb). Lola Kirke plays Tracy, the lonely college freshman, and Greta Gerwig plays Brooke Cardenas, the soon-to-be stepsister. There are other great actor and actresses in this movie but I’m not going to talk about them because that’s just making me write even more.

“You know the feeling of being at a party where you don’t know anybody? College is like that. The whole time.”  - Tracy  (I feel you, Tracy)

This particular quote really hits me on a personal level because I am also a freshman (well not really, but I sometimes still don’t believe I am in university) and going to the campus cafeteria is still mentally overwhelming for me.  It’s not that I don’t have friends, but being in a room with lots of unfamiliar faces feels like first day of high school all over again, but everyday. However, although it’s completely exhausting, it’s also fun to be there since you could a) be in awe with people who look Very Cool b) look at cute boys and c) eat.

Finally being in a university, you’re supposed to be excited!! at!! everything!! because you’re finally in a place where you’re meant to explore what you like and don’t like, learn new things, have new friends, do things you’re not supposed to do, figure out how to live alone (only if you’re not living with your parents), do adult stuff (and fail miserably), and lots of other things. It’s also ironic, though, how you’re expected to do those things when you’re also expected to have already become a fully formed Human Being who is completely aware of what you’re capable of (ie. choosing your own major). Thus, also sharing this feeling of being lonely in a very crowded place, Tracy turned to Brooke, a 30-something soon-to-be stepsister who fortunately also lives in New York, for friendship? City tour? Definitely a friendship.

The one thing I really like from this movie is how it perfectly encapsulates how it feels to be 18 and being around a grownup who surprisingly has an interesting way of life. Seriously, who juggles work as an interior designer, soulcycle trainer, math tutor, and an aspiring restaurateur? Tracy’s constantly in awe of everything Brooke did, as was I. She teaches soulcycle? WOW She’s dancing on stage with a band I don’t even know?? SHE’S SO COOL She’s opening a restaurant-slash-community place? I’M IN!!! Watching their relationship reminded me of this one Cool person on instagram that I followed just because she seems to have a great life and that I envy her life so much all I did was like her pictures and sometimes screen captured them and sent them to my friends.

Both Tracy and Brooke’s aim is to leave a certain impression to the other and it showed how desperate they are to actually succeed doing it. Tracy tried to relate to things Brooke went through, “I went through a breakup too”, and hopelessly tried to impress her by buying ’nice pasta’ although she doesn’t understand one bit about it and ended up buying all kinds of pasta. Being a 30-something, Brooke pretended to be 20-something by doing all the things 20 year-olds would do. “I’ll probably end up doing something depressing, but young.” She strives to do things that would constantly amaze people because that’s what she aspired to be. As Tracy mentioned in her writing about her, “She lived exactly how a young woman should live who wants to spend her youth well. She did everything and nothing.” Brooke did almost everything imaginable, but sucked at follow-through thus accomplishes nothing from them, and that she finally realised this throughout the end of the movie.

Brooke is the epitome of someone who I wanted to be when I’m in my 20s, she’s the amalgamation of youth and elegance, with brio and sophistication in her way of life, and more importantly she looked happy living it. She radiates cool vibes, which probably is the reason why Tracy wanted to hang out with her. She’s someone I’d brag about when I hang out with my friend. “So the other day, I hung out with Brooke and we were backstage at this gig and then later we drank with the band and stuff.” Or something like that. Of course Brooke is a commentary on people who are desperate to impress other people who probably didn’t care. Which is a lot of them due to the rise of Social Media. Being a Cool Person isn’t bad, it’s just tiring, and no one asked you to be a Cool Person. Seriously though, who wakes up in the morning and the one thing they plan to do is to be a Cool Person? The reason why people are doing this is probably because they wanted people to overlook their flaws and only see them superficially, which are the Cool and Hip things they did!

While watching the movie, I wondered how every time I’m in a crowded place I always searched for a Brooke Cardenas without realising it. I was always looking for this one person who is So Cool that I want to befriend them. I know how this looks so dumb and judgemental because how are you supposed to search for potential friends based on their appearance and their body language!!! But looking at it, don’t you think life would be much fun if you are surrounded by people you’re constantly in awe with? People that you could base your writing on (this is so meta), improve yourself from, or even follow around like a PA just because their life is just That Interesting. However, this also made me realised how view my life as mundane and quite average, which probably is, since I’m writing this in a coffee shop overlooking a huge roundabout with no Internet.  I used to be very self-aware when doing things like this since being alone is heavily stigmatized back in Jakarta as if you have no friends and no one wants to hang out with you. Is it really? Can’t I just have a time alone with myself? Oh, give me a break. At the end of the day, I am the one actually living my own life, and not them so who cares? (Actually I still do). I don’t know whether I’d find my own Brooke Cardenas to be constantly in awe with, or that I’ll be someone else’s Brooke Cardenas (#1 aspiration in life beside making my parents proud and getting $$$). All I know is that I’d still have this university thing going on and I’ll just have to get used to these unfamiliar faces first then I could probably do something great about it. (Or not so great but still something!!)