I tend to collect a lot of random (and usually useless) bits of knowledge. The facts here are based on what I learned when I spent time with my aunty who was once a breeder of cats on a whim.
“Han,” Jesse said, a pained look on his face. “No…”
The…thing…hung complacently from Hanzo’s hands, its hind legs curled demurely over its groin which was a blessing because it wasn’t neutered.
…and it was hairless.
“Yes,” Hanzo said seriously. “You said you wanted children of the four-legged variety.”
Jesse sighed, running his flesh hand through his hair. “Han…I think said of the furry variety. That…thing…” he shuddered. “Hon, it looks like a shaved ball sack.”
“You would know,” Hanzo replied, much to the discomfort of the kitten’s owner. He scooped it into his arms like one would hold a baby and turned to the woman that had put the kitten up for adoption. She looked very much like she regretted agreeing to meet with them but she still smiled kindly at them. “How much?”
Jesse whined. “Han.”
The woman’s eyes flicked to Jesse. “Hon,” she said gently to Hanzo. “Maybe you should make the decision with your…friend?”
“Husband,” Hanzo corrected absently as he toyed with the cat’s paws. It was complacent enough to bat at his hands gamely; when it “caught” Hanzo’s finger, it brought it to its mouth and licked at it.
Never had Jesse wished so badly for someone to be homophobic and take the cat…thing…away from Hanzo. But the woman was a kind sort and smiled. “Husband,” she repeated sweetly. “Maybe you should ask your husband what he thinks.”
“He thinks he looks like a shaved ball sack,” Hanzo pointed out. “He made it very clear what he thought of him.”
The woman winced. “Yes, but I’d rather not cause a break in a marriage over a cat,” she pointed out. “And I’d hate to get this poor guy’s hopes up that he’d find his forever home.”
Jesse could never get used to that phrase. “Forever home”. It made sense and was kind of sweet but at the same time he thought it was kind of weird…but that was just him.
Startled, Hanzo looked back at Jesse. He groaned. “Ma’am,” he said kindly to the woman. “Y’ mind if we have some people-talk? Guy talk? Like…me and my husband?” It still felt weird to call Hanzo his husband but it was a good kind of weird that sent thrills up and down his spine.
The woman smiled and held out her hands for the cat which Hanzo very reluctantly handed back to her. “You can go in the dining room over there,” she said, pointing to the room in question. “Just give a holler if you need me.” Murmuring to the cat, she lumbered off to the couch and sat down with a groan. The kitten curled up on her ample belly and closed its eyes as if to nap.
Hanzo looked so honestly concerned that Jesse had to tug him into a tight hug. “Now don’t think that, Han,” he murmured. “If you want ‘im, get ‘im. I’m just…not on board with the whole ‘hairless’ thing. I’m serious when I say it looks like a shaved ball sack.”
“So you’ve said,” Hanzo muttered into his chest. “I just…”
Jesse tipped his head up and gave him a soft kiss. “It seems like a sweetheart,” he said. “I’m just…not confident I can hold it without being disturbed. But…if you want it…it’s yours. And I’ll support you and…it…I’ll get used to it eventually. But darlin’…never worry that I’ll make you give it up. That ain’t happening.”
Hanzo searched his eyes before gently kissing the painted thread around Jesse’s left pinkie. “I like him.” While it was relieving to hear – they had searched seemingly hundreds of shelters and ads for cats that met Hanzo’s apparently strict standards – Jesse wasn’t sure he really liked this particular cat.
“Then let’s get him.”
His husband (!!) looked so pleasantly surprised and Jesse received a truly warm kiss in thanks. It made him feel almost guilty for already hating the hairless monstrosity.
When Hanzo told the owner-breeder of the kitten that he’d take it, Jesse got a truly pitying look from her husband. Great.
“Damn,” Fareeha said as the kitten explored the common room before their weekly Chopped marathon.
Angela peered at it. “It’s ugly,” she said and wrinkled her nose. “Do all cats have that much skin? And where are its whiskers?”
As if protesting her words, the cat gave a raspy meow.
“Yeah,” Fareeha agreed. “It’s ugly and…hermano…you’re so whipped.”
Zarya tucked her legs up on her couch when the cat wandered her way. “Is unnatural.”
The doors slammed open and Rein, still a little dirty from work in the Diner, stumbled in. “I heard Hanzo’s cat was here!” he boomed. The cat in question had frozen in terror, its bright blue eyes wide as it processed the sudden noise.
“Yeah,” Jesse said as neutrally as he could. “Close the door so it doesn’t run out.”
The big man scrambled to obey, nearly smashing Ana in the process but she was quick and managed to avoid death that day. “Where is it?” Rein asked excitedly. “What kind of cat is it?”
“Looks like shaved nuts,” Zarya said flatly, eyeing the creature where it crouched under the coffee table.
Rein’s excited face froze awkwardly. “What?”
Hana giggled where she was curled up with Jesse. Bastian occupied the other side of the couch with a safe distance so Hanzo could sit beside his husband; Lucio was perched on the arm, frowning down at the cat.
Everyone’s reaction to the cat, in Jesse’s opinion, were absolutely priceless. Rein’s was no exception – his excited face fell immediately upon seeing the wretched creature. “Where is that cat’s fur?” he asked flatly.
“It doesn’t have any,” Jesse said, running a hand over his face tiredly. Hana giggled.
“Actually,” Sombra corrected, once more startling everyone with not only her presence but her willingness to talk. “They do have fur, it’s just very fine. They still can and do create dander but it’s just at a much-reduced rate and volume – why they can be called hypoallergenic.”
They all frowned at her. It was the longest she had spoken in a long time and most of the time no one knew what to do with her when she did speak or laugh. But where Sombra was, Gabe couldn’t be too far away.
“How?” Bastian asked curiously.
Sombra shrugged as Gabe entered the common area. Seeing the cat – which had begun to emerge from the table, he turned around and walked out without a word. Giggling, Sombra heckled him in Spanish as she followed. Some of her suggestions were that he should knit The Cat clothes so it wouldn’t be too cold.
It suddenly occurred to Jesse that he had no idea how to take care of it.
Is this what being a parent feels like? He signed to Hana and Bastian who turned to look at him when he began signing. Being terrified when you realize you have no idea how to take care of another life? Hana laughed and said nothing; Bastian shrugged solemnly though his clear eyes were amused.
Ana was peering down at The Cat which had slowly begun approaching her. “It looks so worried,” she said with a laugh, running a careful finger over the wrinkles between its ears. It butted its head into hers, trying to solicit more pets which she obliged. She laughed again. “It’s so soft! You should feel it!”
“Like shaved nuts!” Zarya roared, outraged, from where she was curled up. Angela and Fareeha giggled and joined her there.
Jack, who had just opened the door, paused. “What?”
“Don’t ask,” Jesse told him tiredly. “She’s talking about The Cat.”
The man visibly hesitated. “You guys finally found one?”
Hana giggled. “Yes!”
“Does he have a name?”
It suddenly occurred to Jesse that he had absolutely no idea if Hanzo had named The Thing. “We can ask Han,” he said when everyone turned to look at him.
The cat grunted when it was picked up in Rein’s massive hands but didn’t struggle like Jesse half-expected it to. “He’s so tiny!” Rein exclaimed.
“Isn’t he soft?” Ana asked, wiggling her finger in the cat’s face. He batted at it without his claws and went limp in Rein’s hands.
Jack leaned over the couch by Jesse. “That…thing…is a cat?”
“Yup!” Hana said a little too-loudly.
Rein’s booming laughter echoed. “Shaved nut sack!” Zarya roared when he tried to hand the cat to her.
“Oh!” Ana tsked. “Just hold him! Or touch him!”
Zarya didn’t look amused as he was dangled into her space. The cat’s legs were extended as he tried to keep his balance. She tilted her head all the way back in an effort to not look at the creature. “I feel like I’m violating him,” Angela said faintly, also looking anywhere but the creature being dangled in front of them.
The residents of that couch were saved by Hanzo’s return. What exactly he thought when he saw Zarya, Angela, and Fareeha cowering away from the cat which was being dangled over them by Rein, Jesse couldn’t be sure, but he seemed pleased enough that not only were they interacting with the wretched thing, but that Hana looked happy.
Jesse collected a kiss from him as he moved past and scooped the poor animal out of Rein’s massive hands. It met Jesse’s eyes over Hanzo’s shoulder and he tried not to laugh at how utterly relieved it seemed.
“He’s so cute,” Ana said and Jesse made gagging faces at Zarya, Angela, and Fareeha who nodded in agreement. “Does he have a name yet?”
Jesse’s couch was becoming crowded but privately he thought it was strange to learn after five-odd years of sitting on the same couch in the same spot that there was a recliner chair built in, but it worked in his favor because it meant that not only could Hana, Bastian, and Lucio all sit on the couch with him, but he could also cuddle with Hanzo.
Except now he cuddled with Hanzo, who sat between his legs with his back against Jesse’s chest, and Charred, the hairless cat.
Ugh.
The cat, despite still being rather young, was very mild-mannered which was nice. It didn’t run around or seem to get sick of being in one place for so long but simply seemed content to sit on Hanzo’s lap and accept scritches.
Despite Jesse’s own dislike of the ghastly thing, he loved the smile it brought to Hanzo’s face.
Worse, the thing was friendly and tried to solicit pets and scritches. Fareeha, Zarya, and Jesse were the only ones so far holding out. Angela was a little disturbed by the sensation but would occasionally pet Charred though she privately admitted that she felt bad that it was named such a depressing name.
But he was more Hanzo’s baby than Jesse’s so he really couldn’t protest the name so much but it really was rather morbid. As Sombra (and his previous owner had) explained, the strange grey-black splotches over Charred’s back were from the color of his nearly-invisible fur. If it had been longer, he’d be white with black or grey splotches but now he was a strange shade of fleshy pink with big ash-colored spots.
More than his unfortunately morbid name, Jesse felt almost bad – almost – for not giving Charred the scritches he obviously wanted from him. He was a very well-behaved cat when asking, patting the leg or arm of a person with his claws retracted and trying his best to plead with his wrinkly face.
“Looks like E.T.,” Zarya said flatly when Charred tried to solicit pets from her. “Like E.T. had baby with shaved ball sack. No.”
Charred was endearing, Jesse had to give him that. Once he got used to his…unfortunate…features he could almost find Charred cute.
He just couldn’t bring himself to actually touch him which made it hard when Charred tried his best to endear himself to Jesse.
He’d wind around Jesse’s legs when he fed him in the morning (something he volunteered to do despite Hanzo’s insistence that he could), would try to rub against Jesse and get his attention as much as press up against him with a cute little mew. Jesse always felt bad nudging the cat away with a socked foot but he just couldn’t deal with the thing.
It was insufferably cute though, to see the little knitted clothes that Ana made for him. Unsurprisingly with no fur to keep him warm, Charred needed some assistance. If he transported the cat between the Barracks and Base, Hanzo tucked him in a hoodie or in his coat with him.
Though Gabe thought Charred was disgusting, he created a lined pouch that looked like a messenger bag that would keep the cat warm while he was outside. He shrieked outright when Charred tried to rub against him, seemingly in thanks.
Two weeks after Charred came to the farm, they learned that his name was actually Chard.
Like the vegetable, which turned out to be one of Hanzo’s favorites, especially to cook with. Like the rainbow chard he had on his tattoo on his right arm.
Chard, not Charred, like he was crispy.
Huh.
For his part, Hanzo was no stranger to Jesse’s thoughts on Chard. (And Zarya’s…and Fareeha’s…and Gabe’s. Really, he could go on.) He was pleased that Jesse kept his promise – not that he doubted he would – to not mind Chard’s presence. He volunteered to feed him, would bring back toys or treats, but he still staunchly refused to touch him directly.
At first Hanzo was hurt because he at least enjoyed the feel of Chard’s fuzzy skin and he and Ana often played with the cat’s wrinkled forehead and scraggly whiskers. Yes, his junk was disturbing, but they got used to it.
(Hanzo, did, at least. He could still hear the cries of disgust when Chard flipped his tail up in a friendly greeting and treated everyone to an eyeful.)
Still, he was beginning to worry about Jesse’s reticence.
He need not have worried because nearly a full month after adopting Chard, he found the two of them napping in a golden beam of sunlight in their room. Jesse was cradling the majority of Chard’s body with his whole arm and the stump of his other. The cat’s head was tucked into the crook of his neck and one of his paws rested on the bared flesh of his collarbone through the open collar of his flannel.
From the flick of Chard’s ears as he unlocked his phone, he knew Hanzo was there but Jesse didn’t stir as he snapped a few quick pictures. Chard grunted and shifted and Jesse’s hands tightened on him instinctively before relaxing as the cat settled again.
Hanzo managed to get a few more pictures before Jesse peeked his eyes open. He smiled sleepily at Hanzo and tipped his head back for a kiss.
His thumb rubbed gently along Chard’s lower back where he cradled him gently. “L’ke ‘a shaved ball sack,” he said sleepily. It was almost smug and it was the tone that got Hanzo.
The startled burst of laughter from Hanzo startled Chard enough that he leaped to his feet and raced away. Even Jesse agreed as Hanzo cleaned them with hydrogen peroxide with Chard watching them reproachfully from the doorway that the lines of scratches over his chest were almost worth it.
Fun facts about Sphynx (”hairless”) cats I learned from my aunty (and also some things about Chard):
As Sombra mentioned, they do actually have fur, it’s just really short. Due to fluctuations in their hormones, the mama cats sometimes grow fur which is surprisingly soft.
My aunty’s breeding female’s fur was tight and swirly for lack of a better word. It wasn’t quite curly but just the way it grew it made it look wavy.
Even after she had weaned her kittens, she kept her fur. Not sure what happened there but whatever.
The breeding female was more or less pure evil. She was the queen of the house and was absolutely enamored with my aunty.
They do actually have whiskers and “eyebrows” even if it doesn’t appear that they do - they just grow in so fine and brittle that they break off.
Chard looks kind of like this. His coloration is based off of one of my aunty’s cats and she told me recently that she had initially considered naming him “Charred” but the rest of his family’s names ended in an “O” sound so she couldn’t.
He has blue eyes.
His attitude is very friendly and relatively laid back.
Some cats are very amenable to training due to breeding, natural aptitude, and/or their general demeanor. Chard is definitely one of those cats. My cat in RL is not.
Jack’s new vlog reminded me of how much Jack means to all of us as a whole. You can see in his face that he truly cares about each and every one of us and that warms my heart. He really is such a genuine and loving person. And dude, if you feel like you need to take a day off, it’s totally cool. We’ll still be here for you, green bean :) Love you, Jack!!
One way but not necessarily the only way it went down.
The silence was awkward. Hanzo held Chard in his lap, the cat smearing himself against Hanzo’s chest and lap in a strangely contorted position as he napped; Pumpkin was nowhere to be seen.
“So,” Jack said slowly. “You’re married.”
Chard sneezed and rolled over, spreading his legs. Gabe groaned. “Does that thing have to be here?” The cat fixed him with a flat stare and as if understanding Gabe’s words, he shoved one back leg into the air and began licking his balls. “Gross!”
Ana sipped her tea serenely. “If you’re so bothered by it, why are you staring?” Jack asked.
“It’s like a train wreck,” Gabe grumbled. “Too terrible to look away.”
Jesse shifted uncomfortably in his chair and reached out to scratch Chard’s hairless skin. The cat snorted and rolled over, hooking a paw over Jesse’s hand as he stretched out over Hanzo’s lap.
“So you’re married,” Jack repeated.
“Yeah,” Jesse said awkwardly. “We are?”
Ana put her tea down. “Are you? You don’t sound so sure.”
“We are,” Hanzo confirmed.
“Since when?” Gabe grumbled, finally able to drag his eyes away from Chard.
Hanzo cocked his head as Jesse blurted, “Which time?”
The silence was infinitely more awkward this time around. “What do you mean ‘which time’?” Gabe demanded. At his side, Sombra slipped a hand over his mouth to keep him from shouting even more.
Jesse looked at Hanzo in askance; he raised a brow as if to say, you got yourself into this. Still he gave Jesse’s leg a gentle squeeze and said, “We’ve been married since February.”
“What day?” Ana asked, sipping from her tea again.
“We signed the paperwork in the courthouse on February 12,” Hanzo said. “A friend of my mother’s sped up the finalizing process so it was official – and Jesse was legally eligible to be Hana’s guardian in my stead – only a few days later.”
Ana hummed. “What’s this about ‘which time’?” Jack wanted to know.
“We were only married once,” Hanzo explained. “But we only recently exchanged rings.”
Sombra cocked her head to the side, making her hair flop over the shaved side of her head. Unlike Bastian who had let his hair grow out, Sombra kept parts of her head shaved so that the defined scars from some kind of surgery on her skull drew furrows on her skin. This was dyed, with Genji’s help, bright purple; some of it had already begun fading to pink.
“Then why did he say ‘which time’?” Gabe demanded. Hanzo shrugged.
Jesse blushed and toyed with the ring on his right hand. Brought to their attention, they saw that Hanzo had a new tattoo that matched new enamel detailing on Jesse’s prosthetic hand: a thin red bow tied around their pinkie fingers and over the sides of their hand – if they held their hands clasped, the lines connected as if they were tied together.
“You guys sicken me,” Ana said but there was no real disgust in her voice. She held out her teacup to Hanzo who bowed his head. He shifted Chard into Jesse’s lap – much to Gabe’s disgust – and took the cup and saucer into the kitchen. If he knew why he was being sent for more tea, he gave no sign. She leaned forward when Hanzo had left, gently brushing away the paw that Chard batted at her. “Jesse.”
“No,” her habibi murmured back just as seriously. “I did it because I wanted to – for him and for Hana.”
Gabe huffed. “I don’t like it,” he said, crossing his brawny arms over his chest. “You’re just letting him use you!”
“No,” Jesse said immediately. “No. It ain’t like tha’, promise.”
It had been years since she had gotten him to speak properly but sometimes it only took the right situation to have him reverting back to his old ways. She supposed that it was just as difficult for her and Fareeha to drop their respective accents so it made sense that Jesse would occasionally revert back.
“Then what is it like?” Jack asked. “You understand how concerned we are.”
From the look on Jesse’s face, he clearly didn’t but Ana didn’t say anything. Instead Jesse toyed with the hairless cat in his lap. It had taken a long time for everyone to get used to Chard but it made good practice for Ana to knit him sweaters, especially as the weather began to turn cooler. He was as endearing and friendly as he was ugly, she’d give him that much, and didn’t fight it when she dressed him up in her knitted offerings.
He was obedient, too – more obedient than Jesse’s Pumpkin who had to wear a shock collar to keep her out of things she wasn’t supposed to be in. She snapped her fingers and Chard peered at her with one eye. She gestured to the cat to follow her into the kitchen and he obeyed, rolling out of Jesse’s lap and trotting beside her heels.
If only the rest of her children were so well-behaved.
“I figured they could use some private time,” Ana explained though Hanzo didn’t ask. She was pleased to see that he was making tea using the stove rather than the microwave. Not that she expected anything less from an award-winning chef, but then again she had seen his brother eat Stouffer’s frozen mac and cheese with gusto…
“And I figured that you wanted to speak to him without me there,” Hanzo said a little ruefully from his spot. “I’m sure you’re disappointed.”
Ana shrugged though he couldn’t see her. “I think we’re talking about two different kinds of disappointment,” she told him kindly. “I’m more disappointed that I couldn’t be more a part of it.”
At the stove, Hanzo winced. Steam began rising from the kettle as he began portioning out pinches of tea. She was surprised to find that it was a blend that she didn’t recognize. “From Herbalist Tang,” he explained when she made a curious noise. “An experimental blend that I found I liked. I’m sure he’d be thrilled to hear your thoughts on it.” It was funny to see such a large man being so delicate with tea.
She tried not to laugh when Hanzo jumped when she wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug from behind. He didn’t spill the tea. “For what it’s worth,” she said softly. “I’m happy for you two.” She stepped back, watching the flush rise up the back of Hanzo’s neck and along the shaved sides of his head. “Will you bring the tea out when it’s ready?” she asked and Hanzo nodded without looking at her. “Thank you. Chard?” the cat followed her out of the kitchen as easily as he had done when they walked in together and was rewarded in the dining room with a small treat.
