#a small space

[girl-at-dusk]

i’ve seen so many versions of me, but you’re the one i landed on.

you’re the one who’s chosen to make your home in my head. all those hours spent in the mirror, donning a new mask in an attempt to run, but it’s you— you’re the one— you want me to become?

and it’s hard to never wonder, is it me that you can see? is it truly me that you want me to be?

[girl-at-dusk]

I grow silently above the water

only moving by your sway. And you assure me I’ll never dip beneath and be lost much too far away. But lost. I am lost. I’m just too afraid to say.

[girl-at-dusk]

i’ve dwindled, so much smaller than before.

and i’m sorry, dear sister,  that who you love is what i want  to be so much less of. 

thin lines and angles, wrists far too weak to carry  whatever is too much of me. 

and though i’m young,  perhaps if i reduce my size,  then and only then  can i control my demise.

i’ve dwindled, so much smaller than before.  and i’m sorry, dear sister,  but there is nothing  i love more.

[girl-at-dusk]

lights. in all the wrong places.

places that have seen too much of what i am.  and i’m made far too bright and far too small  to be capable of having my own say.  and that is something i can’t stand, so it’s me, it’s me,  that i try to take away.

[girl-at-dusk]

the magic that makes up the tiny flower petals in your hair,

that makes you  desire  that time we intertwined.

that makes you  believe our magic  is that of god’s design.

[girl-at-dusk]

A world I do not know,  yet know I always have.

A pretty little thing  that they’ll forever brag beneath the shelter  of a river blue. Unknown, unknown, unknown, until I learned of what they did to you.

And this can’t be real. It can’t be real. My vision blurred as his words slurred that a secret that I kept,  was never one at all.  And there was once a time that you believed in god and prayed, prayed, prayed that no one would ever know of what it was  that you’d once been robbed.

And this can’t be real. It can’t be real. My vision blurred as I learned that you are not the only one they hurt.

[girl-at-dusk]

if only it weren’t me who ruins everything.

if only it weren’t me who turns their back to the door,  breathing only to the beat of a song that has never matched the tone.  a tone quiet and cold that makes me turn away from the usual things you say.

and you’re the only one who’s always believed that isn’t me.  that isn’t me, you say, because you know i’ll be okay in the way you still have yet to fail to make me laugh today.