[RP Journal - 1/15/2021] Valeria Camena: The First Steps on a Thousand-Malm Road
It feels strange, writing within a journal again. I haven’t had the need nor desire to keep one since I first arrived here. What was the point, when all of my memories, or at least the ones that mattered, were seared into my mind in the form of relentless nightmares and colorless dreams? Why would I need one, when there was nothing here that was worth my interest or willingness to one day remember? All I needed to do was stay on my path. Pursue the answers that I sought. Fight if I must. Flee if I must. Kill if I must.
At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
For five years, I lived like that. In this endless, gray hell that I found myself in, unable to trust anyone, to grow close to anyone, to feel anything for anyone. Because, even after learning the truth, they all still felt fake. Like pale, lifeless imitations of the things I once knew. Of the people I once loved. I desperately wanted to get back everything and everyone I had lost, to be able to feel something again, to see a colorful, true world once more. But then one night I met him, within yet another of my tortuous dreams. Rae-Hann. To be honest, I didn’t know what to make of him at first. An odd stranger, who had somehow wormed his way into the most sacred part of my being. He saw something that no one else had seen. I wanted to lash out at him, to expel him as swiftly as he came. But I stopped myself. My curiosity won over, and I allowed him to stay - and then we talked. It has been a while since then, and the two of us have had many more discussions and “adventures”. It took some time, but eventually the two of us began to form some semblance of trust for one another. After all, we were two strangers in an unfamiliar place, coming from circumstances quite similar to one another. I suppose one would think it was only natural that we would form a bond of sorts, given enough time. And before I knew it, we did. That was when things changed. For the first time in years, I finally saw something different from the grayscale nightmare that was my life. I saw color. I saw Rae-Hann’s color. When I first noticed, I could not help but stare whenever I got the chance, when I thought he was not looking. Simply doing so was like taking a breath after being deprived of air for so long, and the sight of him brought with it a sense of comfort, of peace, and of hope. For the first time, I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, there was something worthwhile in this world after all.
Rae-Hann took the time to talk with me. To listen to me. To hear, know, and understand me, even if it was only a little. He had held out his hand to me, offering me a place in the life he had carved for himself upon the Source. And like a lovestruck fool, I took it. Like a lost soul, I clung to it. Like a helpless child, I allowed him to guide me away from the path I had been following for so many years. He led me to a different path. To Siannault Tavard. To them, his loved ones at the Star’s Rest. But it has not been easy, even ignoring the wound upon my shoulder and the circumstances of my arrival. I have always been an awkward girl, even in my old life. It was never comfortable for me to make new friends, or socialize with strangers. But I tried. For Stilicho’s sake, and now for Rae-Hann’s. I met a few of them. Aultena Sephimiri, Karrn Moks, Edgard Beaumont, V’hala Helsi, and V’ari Tia. Seeing those twins here had me concerned, but like Siannault, they seemed to have no recollection of me. The real me. Likely for the best.
However, I had been able to tell that the atmosphere around the Inn has grown more dense as of late. I initially wondered if it was due to my own presence, but the arguments I briefly overheard between Rae-Hann, Aultena, and Siannault clued me in. It seems that even in this warm, cozy little inn full of friends and family, there was still problems lying just underneath the surface.
Whatever was currently happening, I felt as though it was a poor time for me to stay here at the Rest. As warm and welcoming as they have made me feel since coming here, I cannot say that I have not felt as though I were an intruder within their world - their reality. After all, they’re all still gray to me. Perhaps, if given enough time, that will change, but when? I have been contemplating leaving today. I think it would be for the best. My wound was manageable now, and there did not seem to be any adverse effects since the incident, so I think I should be alright to do so. But how will Rae think, if I were to suddenly go? Would he feel like I was abandoning him, at a time when he might need me? I feel sort of silly, thinking this way, because he’s surrounded by so many loving people who care for him. But I feel I at least owe it to him to talk, before I do take my leave. Speaking of, it seems he just arrived. I will continue this later tonight, I think. It feels oddly cathartic, putting my thoughts down like this. Until then... -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, tonight was interesting. I am not really sure where to begin with this, but I suppose I should do so after Rae-Hann came to see me in the Rest’s infirmary. He had caught me writing in this journal, as well as the sight of my packed belongings, but he did not seem surprised. Although, considering what he himself had been planning to do, perhaps he thought it was not his place to judge. Whatever the case was, he came to inform me that he was leaving the Rest for some time. We talked about his plans. Apparently, he wanted to head to Ul’dah to wrap up some unfinished business with that fortune-teller we met, Una’to. I have my reservations about the Voidsent-possessed man, but I trust Rae-Hann. Whatever his intentions are, I know I do not have to fear. Still, I am concerned. And I voiced my concerns, but I did not try to persuade him from his current course. I knew better than that. However, Rae did not seem to know what he would do with himself afterwards. Perhaps return to his research, or other jobs that he said he had put on hold, for the sake of the Rest and its inhabitants. Looking at him now, I think I finally understand what it was he saw in me the day we met. Right now, I saw someone who felt alone, lost, and angry with the world. So, I took a chance.
I finally took that first step forward. To truly, fully invite the Mystel who had brought me no small amount of joy and hope into my life. I reached out and offered my hand to him, as he had done for me so many moons ago. I told him that since neither of us had a plan, an idea of where we’d go, why not simply take that journey together? Neither of us had to be alone. We could do what we wanted, when we wanted, how we wanted - and know that, at the end of the day, we would still have someone to return to. That, together, maybe we could find something worthwhile on this star. After the words left me, my heart raced. I felt as though I was on the edge of panic. I feared that I might have stepped to far, or misread what Rae needed at that moment. I wanted to simply run and hide my shame, feeling as though a rejection were imminent. But that did not happen. Just like when I took a chance and accepted him when he reached out to me, he now did the same with me...on the condition that, were he to ever hurt me, that I would tell him. That I would be honest with him about my woes. On the surface, that condition might have been an odd one to make. But hearing the pain in his voice, the strain of withheld tears, was more than enough to tell me what lay hidden within his request. Not that it was a difficult one for me to accept. I pulled him into a hug on instinct, sensing the raw hurt he was feeling, and I made my promise. Rae is...the only person on this star with whom I feel as though I can be completely honest with, and I told him as much.
After our tender moment passed, we made arrangements to meet at Shirogane’s pier, once I had settled my end of things at the Rest. With my belongings, I searched for Aultena so as to pay off my debt - but after having no luck, I was lucky enough to stumble into V’hala and was able to settle things with her. That said, I decided to leave a letter for the Rest’s proprietress, informing her of some of what was happening. Aultena deserved as much, after taking a moment to consider how I would feel if I were in her place. It isn’t much, especially coming from a stranger such as myself, but I hope it offers some small amount of comfort. I also left a letter for Karrn Moks within the infirmary. It felt terrible to leave so suddenly, especially after all the care he had given me since my dramatic arrival. I wanted to at least thank him, and let him know that I hoped we would meet again eventually.
With my work finished, I left the Rest behind and went to the pier to meet Rae. I spotted him shortly after, and stood with him near the water’s edge. We sort of just stared out at the distant waves for a bit and talked...I suppose we were both contemplating about what was to come in the near future. Of what this journey would be like for us. When the subject of our departure, of taking our first steps, was broached...I suggested we do something a little strange. An old legend I remember hearing, once - if you place a wish within a glass bottle, and allow it to be carried away by the ocean, perhaps one day it might come true. It seems silly, I know, but it felt appropriate. And meaningful. So, we went to the edge of the pier and cast the bottle I had prepared off onto the waves, allowing both of our wishes to drift onto the horizon. Rae wished for solace, sincerity, satisfaction...and mine was for our success and safety on the road ahead. Well, that, and perhaps another, more selfish wish of mine. If possible, I wanted to one day find some measure of happiness...ideally, with Rae included.
And with that final send-off, the two of us had no business left in Shirogane. Our next step was to head to Kugane, and then charter for transport to Ul’dah. While our journey was to start as soon as we left upon the ferry, I think we both knew it would not truly begin until the last of Rae’s business was concluded. And so, we departed from the residential ward’s shores, to lantern-lit Kugane and the world beyond. The rest of the day after that was a blur. Though neither of us had explored Kugane before, neither of us felt as though now was a good time. But...maybe someday in the future, we can take the time to properly see the city’s sights. Instead, we booked the first airship headed for Limsa Lominsa, and from there to Ul’dah. Tonight is the first night of our trip, and Rae-Hann is certainly unaccustomed to airship travel. I’ve never seen him so unsettled...is it weird that I find it sort of adorable? But, I think that is where I will leave this. Writing in this journal will take some getting used to, but I think I can see the merits of it. Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll want to use these to look back and remember this. I certainly hope so. And, strangely enough...I look forward to what waits in store for us, on this thousand-malm road. ( @yokasaris @casualcatte @therpperson )