―somewhere along the lines, i know i will run out of words and all the regrets of the unspoken will leave me submerged in the waters. so in-between these lines and in all the spaces that separates my verses, there will always be a distance holding us together. this is a promise; a forever bathing in blues of the afternoon sun where we stand still. some day when my pen will give up on me, i want to build a house for you with my bones and you will know that there’s love in giving up too.
Well, it's one of those midnight where I stay awake, blinding my eyes with some contents of the phone that content me, comfort me. And I happened to stumble across your works, no scratch that, they aren't mere works anymore. Im not here to disturb you or distract you. I'm well aware of the goodbye that you bid to us. But...I don't know, I feel so connected with your words? Connected with the way you wrote? I know I'm blabbering, but I don't know, something in me said that I should definitely write this for you. I'm just thankful for whatever you left here for us, im thankful that I found you, your blog. Something about your whole blog is delicate, comforting, welcoming. And I happened to need that to fill my heart with some sort of reassurance even though I have this accompanied bittersweet feeling. I'm just truly, truly, grateful for the miracles you wrote. I was honestly crying, it made me feel better. I don't know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.
But I'm just, thankful. So,so, thankful.
(this is a long reply, i'm extremely sorry)
“I don’t know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.”
at 8 in the morning when you wake up, after the glaring indian sun hits your face and you read such words woven together into such a string of emotions, to be fair, what did i even expect to feel other than bittersweet happiness and a bit flabbergasted?
i wish there were words more meaningful than the boring ‘thank you(s)' because truly, you’ve left me speechless. all i can say is that my imperfect heart receives your praises and thoughts with all the warmth in the world and i hope even the lil bit of that warmth traverses through all the time zones that divide us against our wishes and gives you strength to carry on with your life, @tannedami.
regardless of my absence, i still want my blog to be one of the many corners for a breath of relief for all of you. this was once my escape, i'm grateful that the place i escaped to, a home i built amidst all my griefs became a shade under which you all take a breather from the glaring sun that represents each and every one of your lives.
it was the sole reason i left my blog untouched. i deleted not a single one of my letters or fics. i kept them all, even the unfinished and imperfect ones. my only hope was that in my farewell in every sense, a piece of me will always stay on the internet to give you all solace. in a world that flows parallel to yours, mine and all of the others, i hope my words move close to your home just to feel the air that surrounds you. in that world, my words carry all your griefs and your shortcomings like wearing rings that have all of your's names engraved on the insides.
[ID: “Even without knowing each other’s stories, we create moments of love that bridge the gap.”]
thank you for making me remembered as someone whom you pass by once in a while when you’re walking back home and that will always be enough.
this ask of yours reminded me a lot of some of those memorable asks from the past in this blog. an anon once wanted to write down the 2-part dad!hobi fic i wrote once as requested by them (tbh i found it a bit silly but at the same time quite endearing), another once sent me a dm about how they have screenshotted a letter they requested once during my talk to bangtan requests and now or then they would go back and read it for comfort. i also remember someone a year or two ago said how i almost saved their life during a low moment of their life and i still cannot for the life of me comprehend all these affections that i once and still now get from readers like you who take strolls through my little humble blog. you all should know that as much as you guys tell me how much i comfort you, these words from you all give me the strength to push the stubborn boulders that stand in my wretched life's road and keep walking on. life will keep happening and i will fight on as much as i can. i might always still wish i didn’t stay to see the new morning of the next day, but i want to keep myself going till there’s nothing left of me.
and, you and everyone must do the same. you have to. after all, there must be a reason why we were born into this damned world, right? even in passing, we must live a little in the minds of humans around us (and if you are lucky enough to have a pet, your existence is a miracle to them. trust me.)
i don’t know much about the reverence you talk about, Ami, perhaps it’s simply your emotions that has been catalyzed by my works. but really, i don’t feel myself to be deserving of any of it (this is my self-conscious, self-loathing persona talking, don’t mind her). i wish you a healthy life above anything. happiness will come and go but life will keep going on in various different shapes. we simply have to fit in. so be well because you will need a lot of strength for that, Ami.
i haven't written anything in months and tbh even if i wanted to further give life to all my wips, i wish i had even a drop of motivation and energy to do so. some of you might have as well forgotten about my little blog, which had its own humble beginnings. and tbh i don't mind at all. it's been, i don't know almost 5+ years that i've had this blog. i started it out during the last two years of my high school, when i was struggling very much to cope with all the pressure and anxiety. this little corner of the internet became my comfort space. i could pour my heart out into snippets of letters and the love that i received from all of you who were there from the beginning only fueled my passion to write more and of course, helped me immensely in escaping the cruelty of my reality.
since then, i have graduated school. my reality is still harsh but i'm surviving. i have also graduated from my college with two degrees that i was doing simultaneously. currently, i'm preparing to sit down for my master's 1st-year exam coming months and job surfing at the same time. tbh i wish i had enough energy and positivity to motivate myself to pen down something. but it seems like we have to finally pull the curtains down on this blog.
yes, there is a lot of stuff that's still pending to be completed as you will know if you care to check my masterlist. but i'm not going to give you any false hope by saying that someday i will magically come back and finish and place them all in front of you. it would be too selfish of me to keep you on your toes like that.
i know i've let down a lot of you. many have told me me how much, especially my letters have helped you guys during hard times. even though i know i shouldn't even bother to think like this considering i know none of you in-person. still, it's the crippling humanity in me. honestly, i feel sad for myself. my life took so many things away from me. even the capacity to keep this comfort space alive for myself. some of you have left a long time ago. probably life has happened to you all too. i have also met some of you during the latter part of my journey here and i'm very glad that you all loved my work even with all my incompetency in keeping up with the schedules. you guys were too kind to me.
this actually came too suddenly - this realization that something needs to end. i don't think there will come any other time in the future when i'll read fanfics or write them myself. but it's a bit too much to delete the whole blog considering the reblogs will still exist in the tumblr algorithm. therefore, the letters will still be up along with the fics.
although i don't think i will stop writing. i have my substack where i will experiment with my creative writing but that's just my way of growing up as a writer. these days i'm too busy both in my head and physically, i wish i can overcome becoming a moss. my produce is sparse but my want is bigger than that. although for fanfics, there's no want anymore. i've had my fill and i'm sad to say, this is where we part.
pffbts is thus archived. all my posts will remain. if you send in any mundane sweet ask, i will answer them as soon as possible. kindly please don't send in any requests for fics (i've had to delete a couple of them from my ask box and it felt terrible.) i'm not completely going away. as a person, i will stay. it's just the fanfic writing part of me that will take a permanent leave. i'm almost 24 and it's been almost 10 years that i've started out in creating fanfics. i think it's enough, nah? plus writing this post for you all has strangely made me feel calm, as a certain baggage has been let down from my shoulders.
thank you to you all from the past & the present. i hope you all stay well and healthy. it has been truly a good time to have you all with me.
hello! just wanted to let you know that i always go back to reading a fool’s act whenever i needed to feel something haha that fic always brings me to tears i absolutely love one-sided stories! jongho’s fleeting time monologue and y/n’s internal monologue right after always hits me in the chest. it’s pretty hard to find jongho angst fics on here or ao3 so thank you for writing it and i hope you know how much your writing means to people! have a good day! <3
my goodness, anon, you're so lovely 🤧 i just went back to check that fic out and man, it's been more than 3 years. recently, i have gotten so detached to writing (except for my journaling) that i almost don't recognise myself in my past writings anymore but i'm still so grateful for your warm words, anon.
please stay healthy, safe & happy. hoping for all your dreams to come true. sending you lots of love too 💞
this is my way of telling myself to throw away all the procrastination and that i should stay still because, in this freshly dawned 22nd year of my life, i`m still young.
flashback to 10 years ago when taylor swift released 22 from her red album, my 12 years old self wanted to know what it really is like to be 22 and sing that song. i used to watch the music video on our television on vh1 in that new city where everything was so very new, unaware that the city will bring the harshest storm in our family. i wondered what it`s like to be 22 and feel "happy, free, confused and lonely at the same". i wanted to know what is it about 22 being "miserable and magical". i wanted to experience what it`s like to "[...]forget about our deadlines".
i guess, here we are now.
i can tell you now, my 12 years old self. it`s probably more than all that. first of all, you can be 22 and still feel like you`re stuck at 19. maybe you`re never going to know what 22 really feels like and it`s okay. just make it seem like you`re cycling past a vast field while the spring air flows around you. you don`t have to sit back and think of being consumed in solitude. that thing will come to you like your best friend.
by 22, you`ll know that words are your only escape. you`ll be sitting in front of your study desk, watching a ghibli movie and eating maggi because mother didn`t feel like making dinner which is completely okay because she worked hard today, so she`s tired.
by 22, it will be 7 years that you`ve learnt the bittersweet taste of unrequited first love & heartbreak. but don`t worry, that boy who was 3 years your school senior and whom you loved with your everything, right when things were going terrible at home, will still continue to wish you "happy birthday" every year right at midnight of your birthday. you`ll probably have second thoughts thinking, maybe he remembers it so well because it`s also the birthday of his own first love, the girl in his year who also broke his heart. yet you`ll brush off that thought, smile to yourself and reply to him with a simple "thank you so much" because although you`ve way too many things to tell him, you can`t. he`s been with someone new for the last 3 years and he`s very happy. for you, that`s all that matters.
by 22, you`ll be in the last year of college, prepping up for the upcoming semester exams. you`ll be doing not just one but two degrees at the same time. you`re a good student now, not like how you used to struggle in school. so don`t worry, take your time and absorb everything that`s happening around you. you`ll be going through so much and if i could, i would run to you and hug you close because god, you`re so incredibly strong, my much younger self.
i don't feel numb rather it`s like i knew this was going to happen. even if i was dreading for this day to come, i wanted to sit back and take it all. i`m not happy but i`m not sad too. i`m just somewhere where i`m building a path to escape from this place. someday, i hope i will but for now, all i can do is sit back and think of how to spend this day without letting it get into my head.
therefore, happy 22nd to me. i hope when things go tough just like always, i stay next to myself, holding myself in my own arms and convincing myself, it`s alright, i`m strong. i`ve seen so much so i can bear a little more too. time waits for no one. it`ll pass.
Note: this list will be updated every often to let you, as readers, know the progress of the pieces i`m currently working on. if any question, you can ask me here anytime or send me a dm over my twitter.
↳ masterlist & ao3
「 B T S 」
✎SERIES: [NONE]
✎FICS/DRABBLES:
[ ☼ ][ ☾ ] [ ♛ ] synopsis: a brief ten days account of two siblings who meet their day’s end at the dinner table every night.
genre―slice of life; humour; comfort; sibling!au
characters―older brother!kim seokjin x younger sister!reader | no supporting character.
based on: the j-drama boku no neechan (literal trans: my sister).
w.c―(...)
warnings―none.
status―(writing...)
「 S E V E N T E E N 」
✎SERIES:
[ ☼ ] [ ☾ ] [ ♛ ] what if we lived in the same town | ot13
↬synopsis: there are 13 boys who lives in your town where each of them have each of their own colours. some you know in person & some from afar so one day you sat down deciding to describe each of their colours absorbing all of their goodness and all of their flaws. you wondered what if someone in some other town ever thought of questioning when they looked at these boys, that―what if we lived in the same town?
status: one member`s chapter every two weeks till all 13 of them are done.
synopsis: after returning to your childhood town 10 years later, you found the once bright streets & bustling town under the warm orange shade of sun turn completely into a place which only exists in those thriller movies you watched for the sake of the adrenaline rush. this town has been now been infiltered by the Crimson Saints, a bikers gang lead by kwon soonyoung―the newly appointed leader after the mysterious death of the previous one―choi seungcheol, also widely known as the founding member of Crimson Saints. nobody`s really sure about how he died but soonyoung has always been the closest one to hang out with him. a new member gets recently added named jeon wonwoo, known as one of the top student of the most prestigious school of the town. a sudden change from the maternal side of the jeon household taunts wonwoo to join the gang but tension always appear in the air between soonyoung & wonwoo whenever they`re in one single space which really didn`t prickle anyone`s skin until―you come in.
characters: soonyoung x oc x wonwoo | support: choi seungcheol.
chapters: 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5 & more [undecided]
w.c: n/a.
warnings: mention of alcohol & death ; blood & gore ; use of vulgar language sometimes & [more undecided]
status: [on hold]
✎FICS/DRABBLES:
[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ] If I Get To Meet You (ghost!au)
synopsis: the rumor has it that an young man`s ghost lives in the town`s oldest library―which also seems to be the closest one to your home. as a renowned bookworm of your family of a loving father and two elder brothers, you decide that you`ve had enough of reading the same books on repeat at your school library & so you walk out of your home one afternoon to visit the town`s oldest library to find new books to read and partly, to debunk the rumors which sounded quite silly to your ears.
characters: ghost!lee seokmin x reader | support: kim mingyu & jeon wonwoo.
w.c: (counting...)
warnings: mentions of death ; thoughts on self-harm.
status: [10% written + on hold]
[ ☼ ][ ☾ ][ ♛ ] Here I Am, Again. (guardian!angel au)
synopsis: after being unemployed for almost two years―vernon, now not exactly a rookie angel by years but experience gets assigned to his first ever job & i.e to be a guardian angel to you, but as much as he was highly anticipating his first job even though it wasn`t quite his nature to be enthusiastic or show a lot of emotions on the outsides (which is also the very reason he wasn`t compatible being a guardian angel to anyone before), he was shunned when he first saw you. turns out, he didn`t really expect to meet you, yet again.
characters: guardian angel!vernon x reader | support: n/a.
