I knew this was coming and I tried my best to brace myself for it.
Now that Halloween's over I know the harder Hollidays are coming up sooner; I haven't really had a traditional Christmas in years - and even longer since a traditional Thanksgiving. The Hollidays always brought out the worst in my family, half the time one half would come at one time, a fourth at a later time, the last quadrant wouldn't show at all.
But at least before I could pretend; I could pretend it was just because I had work and declined the invitation or that someone's car broke down or a cousin got sick and that was why we didn't have Thanksgiving. Or my grandma had to buy an emergency Louis Vuitton or my mom had to pay an extra late fee on the internet bill or I got swamped with homework over the winter break and that's why we couldn't have a normal Christmas.
Now I can't pretend; now it's as a bright as a Christmas tree how my family never loved me, never loved each other. Last Thanksgiving my aunt invited me when I ran into her at the hospital; I had to get my own ride, I couldn't tell mom, and I couldn't talk about anything deeper than the weather, but I was invited. In that moment of ignorance I didn't allow myself to realize how painfully wrong that was. I hear of family flying across the country for each other, but my aunt couldn't drive 20 minutes to get me?
I think the reason why this all hurts me so much is because now it's not just neglect disguised as reasonable excuses, and I truly feel alone; like now, being alone during the Hollidays can't be disguised and gaslit as being my own choice. I don't have a choice, I don't have enough ignorance to pretend legitimate excuses are the reason for it.
I kinda hope no one invites me either. If any of my friends invite me I think it'll make me cry and feel embarrassed. Maybe at the root of it all, I hope none of my friends invite me because it puts the spotlight on the elephant in the room I've so desperately tried to hide; that I'm not just strong, not just resilient. I'm hurt. I've been abandoned and abused and neglected and damaged and it hurts so much. My flesh and blood doesn't love me, doesn't miss me, doesn't give a shit about me - and they never did. It makes me feel so unwanted and so unloved. The people who I was supposed to love and trust forever were my harshest enemies this entire time and it took up to this year almost a quarter of my lifetime to come to terms with it and accept it as the dark brutal truth. And it just makes me so sad and angry. It hurts me so so much. It feels like I'm undesirable, like I was never enough.
So if anyone else who's been abandoned and/or feels alone this holiday season finds this post, just know that you're not truly alone and I sincerely hope and wish you have that feeling of love that you so deserve - whether that comes from a stranger, family member, a friend, a coworker, a neighbor, or even from somewhere within - maybe where your childhood self is so relieved to have all of the generational trauma cycles finally over.
I remember on my birthday last year - just days after bing abandoned by my entire family; it was after two strong shots and just as I was getting ready for bed I wanted to play Animal Crossing - it's one of my stress relievers. The little villagers gathered around K. K. to sing my character a birthday song. Automated messages from the sweetest game writers ever swarmed my screen and my character's mailbox. Canberra came to my little house to hang out and deliver a birthday cake. Villagers came by to party and share a gifts.
And I balled. I cried for a good hour-plus; because in that moment, from that automated birthday program,
How close have you come to death? when i honestly think about it i’ve had way too many close calls. I survived a car accident where i rolled 4 times and came out without a scratch only to fall down the stairs due to my bruised up knee and brake my arm / shoulder where i broke it they could not cast it. So i walked around like sloth with my arm just swinging away. I tried to take my own life finally after years of loss upon loss My first love died, sadly overdosed in 2018. My sister died in 2012 sober but drug related. Now my son has passed this year and i almost went with him. His brain sadly couldn’t keep up with his tiny fighting body. Born at 4lbs he was the most amazing experience my whole pregnancy was a shit show, I often just wonder what in gods name am i doing here, i must have a purpose of some reason to be on this earth. I feel i’ve experienced so many losses that now i have abandonment issues, coping issues and quite honestly just straight up issues.
Sitting at a cafe again....actually I was rushing to get here, wish they were open later, just wanted to be in a different scene, then I realized something about myself. This is what I like to do. This is me. I like to go to cafe's, a lot of times, not even to drink the coffee or mocha, but just to have some life around me, not that I want to meet new people or interact with that life, I just feel like life is somewhat moving. It sure beats staying home sometimes. No, I'm not one of those people that love to be stuck at home. I want to see life, maybe b/c i feel that i don't have too much of it really. I have my boyfriend, my job, that's it really. I think to myself, i'll be in trouble if i don't find a life outside this before his son gets here. We don't have much time together and with his son being here, it will be lessened. I just need to prepare myself....so that's what it feels like, that's what it is. My life revolves around him. Books say, therapists say, that this is co-dependent behavior. When I here that, I start thinking to myself, is there anything that I'm doing right. It feels like I have to master this, to not let his feelings or his view on things alter mine. I can't help it. I feel this rage inside of me. All this effort to conforming is making me anxious and I feel like I can't comfortably do what I usually do b/c I feel like I'm restrained. Ofcourse it's not his fault. I am still learning about myself. It's amazing how people can say, "you're not ready for a relationship," yet I'm learning so much more about myself in this one.
sidenote: a little pastry treat sounds good right now - it may be stress eating.
and since i brought up that topic in the sidenote, yes, i've been stress eating - like throwing food in my mouth left and right. i love him, i do. will i leave - no. there's a lot i have yet to learn. it seems like this is the story of my relationships, like i treat my relationships like my journeys, keeping my mind open and the older i get, it seems to bring on more - trouble....opportunity - whichever you're in the mood for. then, it always seems like i have them for a time and one day they're going to leave and i'm told i wished it upon myself and all this other crap. yes, abandonment issues. maybe i'm just looking for unconditional love...i am.
this is scary. all these thoughts that spring from one thing to the next. maybe i just lost something and have a hard time accepting it's gone forever. maybe i'm ashamed of decisions i've made and that if i conform or do as another person would, they would really love me....
....oh my little girl, what happened to you that ever made you feel this way....
