Sitting at a cafe again....actually I was rushing to get here, wish they were open later, just wanted to be in a different scene, then I realized something about myself. This is what I like to do. This is me. I like to go to cafe's, a lot of times, not even to drink the coffee or mocha, but just to have some life around me, not that I want to meet new people or interact with that life, I just feel like life is somewhat moving. It sure beats staying home sometimes. No, I'm not one of those people that love to be stuck at home. I want to see life, maybe b/c i feel that i don't have too much of it really. I have my boyfriend, my job, that's it really. I think to myself, i'll be in trouble if i don't find a life outside this before his son gets here. We don't have much time together and with his son being here, it will be lessened. I just need to prepare myself....so that's what it feels like, that's what it is. My life revolves around him. Books say, therapists say, that this is co-dependent behavior. When I here that, I start thinking to myself, is there anything that I'm doing right. It feels like I have to master this, to not let his feelings or his view on things alter mine. I can't help it. I feel this rage inside of me. All this effort to conforming is making me anxious and I feel like I can't comfortably do what I usually do b/c I feel like I'm restrained. Ofcourse it's not his fault. I am still learning about myself. It's amazing how people can say, "you're not ready for a relationship," yet I'm learning so much more about myself in this one.
and since i brought up that topic in the sidenote, yes, i've been stress eating - like throwing food in my mouth left and right. i love him, i do. will i leave - no. there's a lot i have yet to learn. it seems like this is the story of my relationships, like i treat my relationships like my journeys, keeping my mind open and the older i get, it seems to bring on more - trouble....opportunity - whichever you're in the mood for. then, it always seems like i have them for a time and one day they're going to leave and i'm told i wished it upon myself and all this other crap. yes, abandonment issues. maybe i'm just looking for unconditional love...i am.
this is scary. all these thoughts that spring from one thing to the next. maybe i just lost something and have a hard time accepting it's gone forever. maybe i'm ashamed of decisions i've made and that if i conform or do as another person would, they would really love me....
