The ABC's of LGBT+ by Ashley Mardell (Now Ash Hardell) and How It's Changed My Life
When @ashhardell first said on her channel that she was going to write the ABC’s of LGBT I was super excited. I loved the videos she’d already made in it because it educated me on so many identities I wasn’t aware of and it was just really interesting to me. Also books are basically my favorite things in the world, I’ve loved them since I learned to read at age 3 and it’s been 16 years of fascination and appreciation of them since.
Then I bought the book when I finally had extra money (#brokestrugglingcollegestudent 😅) and it was so much more than I’d ever expected. Not only did I learn about so many different gender/sexual orientations and identities like I thought I would, but I learned a great deal about myself too. I’d never considered that my gender was outside the binary before. I’d always assumed I was a girl because I didn’t really know any different. Everyone called me a tomboy when I was a kid, but they still meant I was a girl and that’s what I assumed I was too. But I can remember even from my earliest days in preschool and kindergarten that it never felt quite right. I couldn’t explain it, it was similar to how I felt about the fact that I knew I didn’t like boys. But I just knew it was there, I knew I was different.
I figured out the “not liking boys” aspect at about 17 during the last half of my junior year in high school and after coming out as gay I thought that was it, I’ve finally discovered this part of myself and now I understand who I am as a person so much more. I thought that was the only thing that made me different. I mean that had been hard enough to come to terms with and I still sometimes struggle with fully accepting it to this day, two years later.
But then I got to page 104, then 117, 118, 121, and 128 and all of a sudden all these words in some way made sense to me. I connected to all of them in some way and at first I didn’t know what to think about it so I shut the book and put it in my desk, refusing to look at it for a good week. This tends to be my response when I find something that makes me different though, I mean I metaphorically stuffed my sexuality in a desk drawer from age 5 or 6 to 17. But eventually I got over myself and read the pages again, this time with an intent to try and see how much they related to how I’ve felt my whole life. Then I saw just how much I connected to all of them, and I’m now in the process of seeing how much I connect to each one and which ones I’d want to start claiming as my own.
Even though it kinda scared and confused me at first, I’m glad I came across all these words in Ash’s book. For the first time I feel as though I have words to describe me that feel right, and it may just be my own love of words that makes that so powerful for me but I’m coming into a place where I’m reminding myself it’s okay to feel these things. It’s okay to relate to these labels and it’s okay to claim them. I don’t think I’d have gotten here without this book and I’m so thankful to Ash for writing it.
