#about vvixie

[vvixie]

Its my birthday today, so have some selfies from yesterday 💖💛💚💙💜💟

[vvixie]

I need to be in a good mental place but guess where I’m very much not. Thanks brain! 

[vvixie]

rhinocio replied to your post: also, someone needs to rent our apartm...

okay I know you know my opinion BUT SHE *IS* BEING A HUGE DICK WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO FIND A RENTER???

BECAUSE DEE IS THE MAIN COMMUNICATION GIRL AND YOU KNOW HER. She keeps reading me emails that shes sending before she sends them and I’m like “OKAY NO, that isnt even a little bit our problem?!? why are you agreeing to that?!? Say this instead *insert non-offencive way of saying ‘do your own shit’ here*” AND THEN SHE JUST DOESN’T EVEN CHANGE IT?!????? like whoops, I didn’t sign up to paint all the walls that you apparentLY DIDNT EVEN ASK THE LANDLORD IF YOU COULD PAINT PINK OR STRIPED AND THE LANDLORD HATES IT AND NO. PLEASE SELL YOUR OWN SHIT OR AT LEAST GET YOUR FAMILY TO DO IT. I’ve put my foot down that after May 1st, everything that we aren’t taking is going to her parents place for them to deal with. like too bad, so sad for you. Fuck. Fuck her. AND shes mad at us for some reason? She’s not taking the blame for this at all. I’m sorry, I just really hate this whole thing. I’m stressed and tired and I just want to enjoy my birthday weekend, but no. I can’t because we need to figure more shit out. I’ll just be so happy when this is over or we have someone to take it for sure.

[vvixie]

Been in a really shitty place mentally for the past little bit so I’m sorry I’m pretty much never on here.  I hope I feel better soon....

[vvixie]

Alright so I don't know why i feel the need to write this, but I think I just need to type it all out.  Sorry… REALY LONG sad, confused and stressed ramblings about my life under the cut.

My parents haven't ever really given us that much for things like christmas, and even then presents have been useful things like pjs or a spice rack or things like that. We don't go on vacation like ever, and if we ever did, it was likely to a cabin in the woods that my dad's friend owns. AND I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that they aren't the type of people to spend money on things that we don't need…they needed to budget for things we DID need. 

So I guess what i'm trying to say is that my family isn't rich. Not poor, but we don't have money just floating around.

My dad is in his 60s. Still super young at heart, but his body is slowly breaking down on him. Most recently, his back and his hip are giving out. When I see him, he usually seems like his weird old loveable self, but then suddenly he will be in more pain than I can imagine and just collapses out of no where (because he moved slightly?). He has been to the doctors quite a few times, but they think the only thing that they can do for him is put him on a stupidly long waiting list to MAYBE get his hip replaced..which i'm sure won't be that cheap or pleasant. They won't really tell me too many details….

Because of his age (And the fact that he's in so much pain all the time) he retired in January/Febuary of this year. 

My mother is a pharmacist. She has worked at the same store for all of my life. Once, it used to be a Guardian Drugs, but since it is a teeny tiny store that just happens to be way out of the city, it had to be purchased by Shoppers Drug Mart. Thankfully, all of the employees at the time got to stay on working there (my mother included) and no harm done.

I also worked there right when I was done high school for 4 years. Unlike most big box Shoppers, the associates/owners of the little store changed hands quite a few times….but it didn't seem like a big deal to any of us. Right when I left to move into the city, they had started to build a larger store for the Shoppers to move into right across the street. Everyone was really excited!

And now…

I got off of the phone with my dad a few days ago kind of in a weird blur. 

Something about the way that the store was signed over when it switched from the Guardian to Shoppers… I don't really understand how it works. Something about them being able to just say "well I guess your store is cool, but you are probably costing us too much money now and so we are just closing your store down. Bye bye". Like thats it. I don't know the time frame, but soon my mother is just going to be outright let go from a job she has been doing 20+ years (And doing well too, all of the clients LOVE her to death). 

Unless someone SOMEHOW just deciders to negotiate with them and buy the store (to make it a different drug store) and hire everyone there, my mom is suddenly unemployed.

To make matters worse, she isn't ALLOWED to work at another Shoppers for A WHOLE YEAR when the store closes because of reasons I really didn't understand. WTF.

TL;DR of the above= My parents will have to live off of the little bit of money that my dad takes home… which is really not enough. And I don't have that security anymore of "Well if I REALLY fuck up and don't have ANY money left, my parents will probably have my back for at least a little bit until I can get back on my feet."

Now factoring in my sister and me…

My younger sister (My parents favourite child IMHO) decided that she wanted to be a teacher. I personally think that this is 100% the right choice for her…..but only if she can get her shit together. She went off to Acadia and stayed there….and just bearly passed her first year. Her second year….not so much. She can't go back next semester because she didn't pass enough classes. She spent the whole time partying and drinking and all that shit you do when going to uni.

But here's the thing…

My parents pay for her tuition.

They pay for her rent.

They pay for her meals and whatever else she wants to buy.

(Most of which is alcohol)

With me, I live on my own, but I am working off money that I MADE MYSELF.

The only time I ever needed help with money was last month when I asked if I could borrow tuition for school and pay them back when I had enough. 

It never felt fair, but now it just feels like a fucking kick to the face.

My parents are talking about selling the house and their cars just so that they can afford to live…and my sister is STILL asking them to fill up her bank account. jfbowibvowrigowrihgoirwhgowrbvl.

ON A STILL RELATED NOTE, This summer I am going to Ireland with my girlfriends family. I planned this trip before I knew of all of this money shit, and even then I was worried about it. I don't know how her family affords this kind of thing all the time, but they always seem to pull expensive things and really expensive trips out of their asses.

Obviously, my girlfriend is going and so I was invited too. She told me that she really didn't want to leave me alone for so long, so I kinda got roped into it. Non-refundable plane tickets were booked. I AM going, but I'm stressing about it more than looking forward to it. 

I also wanted to propose to her by now….. but money, right?

My bank account is really not doing the best right now, and I am behind on this months rent.

I really love her more than anything else… she isn't saying too much about the money that I owe her and she really puts up with my lows (Which are becoming scary worse and more frequent/ lasting longer). On that note, I feel like some things that really cheer me up when I'm in a mood like that is going out to eat somewhere with friends… or buying a new dress or something? But now I just feel even worse when I do that. its like "I didn't need to go eat out… Sure thats like the only way that I can see these people ever and if I don't do this than I will have NO social life… but I don't have the money for this" and I feel so horrible and my brain makes hanging out an unpleasant thing. 

My birthday is in like 11 days. Everyone is asking me what I want to 'do' for my birthday or telling me that we should go drinking and..fuck. i WANT TO. really really really really badly I want to go out and not worry that I just spent $50 on drinks and food and cover at a club.. like whatever. I'm only 23. I'm having fun! Its my fucking birthday and I want to get drunk with friends and do whatever I feel like doing. I spend every single fucking day inside my apartment alone and getting out and DOING things is SO MUCH BETTER FOR MY HEALTH.

But I can't bring myself to seriously think of plans.

Because the moment I buy that first drink, I'm only going to be thinking "I should have saved that $5 for something else like groceries. The $10 cover could have been part of the rent I owe."

Fuck. 

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME.

So this has turned into a novel. Sorry. I'm just really stressed and super upset and I needed something to do with my hands…so typing some of my life out happened. Sorry.

[vvixie]

I wanna do something fun with my hair (like dying it a neat colour or multiple colours) but I don't know what? Help help help!?

[vvixie]

-invades- white white white!!

White! Okay, 3 facts about my personality~1. I'm quite shy sometimes (Most of the time), but on the rare occasion I can talk to anyone about anything! Its great for making friends, but I have to manage to work up the courage to start talking to anyone in the first place :P Thats why I like when people start talking to me first!2. I am a weirdly sexual creature. I love jumping in on conversations about sex and kinks and just anything related really XD Though I do know there is a time and a place for everything, and more often than not I keep my mouth shut and just listen haha. 3. I have huge ups and downs. I guess its anxiety and depression I suffer from (judging from what i hear/have experienced), but both of those things keep me from going to a doctor and getting diagnosed/medicine for them. Which is BAD. I've almost done some serious things more than a few times when I get to my lows…I do want to be rid of these shitty feelings, but yet here I am doing everything in my power to not go to the doctor, simply because I'm too scared I guess?Oops…now I'm rambling. Sorry for that!Thanks for asking anon~ <3