the dawn was almost silent apart from a few birds whistling on a telephone wire. the sky was an artist’s easel, smudged at every edge into row after row of pale blue, muted orange and soft pink. it stretched endlessly above evan and for a few moments she lost her self in the feeling of infinity. amongst the pastel shades, the faint flicker of stars was being swallowed by the new day. she felt that. she felt the feeling of worry and fear and something so much bigger than herself. this was all a risk that she didn’t feel brave enough for. a risk she hadn’t felt brave enough for in the months that had gone by.
the months where she and makayla had been trying to pluck up shattered pieces and stick them back together with bleeding fingertips. every day evan saw the pain that had been inflicted onto her that night but she also saw that her part to play had been just as destructive. so for the past few months, it hadn’t just been a battle with the sadness makayla had caused her but it had been a war with herself. with her pride. with her fragility. with the weakest parts of herself that she overcame with a tongue as sharp as steel skates. steel skates that weren’t gliding across the ice at they once had. words that weren’t as frigid and harsh as she wanted them to be. and it terrified her.
evan was scared. she was scared of the weight of her feelings because she didn’t know how to handle them. and she didn’t know how to handle the fact makayla loved her—a sentiment that had lingered between them since that night. and during the nights since, as evan had forced her body to slacken beneath mak’s. to finally accept what she was desperate to feel. she wanted the gentle. she wanted the affectionate. she wanted to let herself collapse into mak’s arms because she was exhausted. she was exhausted from fighting herself.
the metal gate rattled slightly as she unhinged it and stepped onto the poolside. a familiar scene where mak had jokingly pushed her into the water so many months ago, only to have to pull her trembling and shaking from the water. how her secret had spilled then. how her heart had opened to makayla in a way she’d never exposed herself to anyone. and the scene before her was somewhat familiar, makayla’s body cutting through the water. early morning laps. ridiculous. but there was the scorn.
it had been two weeks since she’d spoken to mak. she’d tried so hard to get her thoughts straight but she’d fallen apart and excused herself without looking back. she’d been spacey on the texts, awol on the communication. until it had amounted to this. with a stupid black eye and a split nose because all the feelings had got the best of her at hockey practice. but this...this was mak’s space. where she dominated the water. and evan saw it in the rigid lines of her shoulders. in the movement of her body. the athlete she’d had her eyes on throughout the olympics. and evan had never told her how talented she was.
stuffing her hands into her jacket pockets, she walked to the pool edge and crouched down. “makayla...” she said, her voice slightly raised. “mak...” she could feel her throat getting tighter. “i need to talk to you.” @absoluteresistance
