How Abuse is Systemic
I talked briefly in this post about how abuse has systemic factors and I want to take a moment to expand on that a bit. Pathologising our abusers leads to this narrative that illness creates bad behaviour because these people feel entitled, selfish, hateful, defensive, angry, etc., and that’s why they behave in abusive ways. But this oversimplifies a complex situation by implying that feelings are behaviour.
And they aren't the same thing.
Have you ever felt deeply upset or angry at someone, and felt like you wanted to start screaming and swearing at them, physically attack them, ruin their life etc., but not done so? Why didn’t you?
“It would ruin my reputation.” “They’d see me as a bad person.” “They’re my friend and I don’t actually want to hurt them.” “I would never embarrass myself like that.” “I’ve learned better ways to express myself.” "I know it's not okay and I expect more from myself." These might be a few of the reasons.
What can we learn from rationales like that? There are external factors to the choices we make about our behaviour. There are social expectations, rules and consequences. We have to weigh up our behaviour vs the potential impacts. So what does that mean about abusers? That means that either a) they never consider the probable outcomes of behaving exactly as they feel or b) the outcomes they expect aren't significant enough to deter them from the behaviour.
Assuming (b) is more often the case, that means certain people don't expect to face the same repercussions that would deter another person from making the same decision.
This is how abuse is a systemic issue.
Because, for certain groups of people with certain privileges (for example men, the rich, White people, and adults) the consequences are not as serious and may not deter abusive behaviour. All human beings sometimes feel the want to take, demand, shout, fight, harm, demean and so on, especially when we've been traumatised or hurt, when we're angry or afraid. But only some of us can behave in these ways without significant negative impacts on ourselves, our lives and our relationships. Individuals who can behave abusively and know they will get away with it are being enabled by the systems in our societies.
Those of us who are queer, trans, disabled, autistic, BIPOC, perceived as women, poor, and especially multiple of these at once, can't necessarily afford to be shit human beings (or even good human beings) and still live a decent life given that we face significantly higher chances of going to prison or being forcibly sectioned, losing jobs or housing, being shunned and ostracised by our communities, et cetera. And we know that. Marginalised people are generally highly aware of the risks they face due to their identity or place in society. And yeah, of course, marginalised people can and do still abuse but usually, there is still a power dynamic at play, e.g. an adult still has more privileges and power than a child, even if that adult is a woman; a man still has more privileges and power than a woman, even if that man isn't white or rich.
World leaders abusing their positions of power are capable of doing so because they are enabled by a system that removes personal consequences for wealthy men’s actions. Perpetrators of domestic violence do so because they are enabled by a society that strips victims of their power and sympathises with abusers.
This all ties back to why we shouldn’t label fascists and abusers as “narcissists” and “psychopaths”. It is dehumanising, stigmatising, and harms those of us who actually have NPD and ASPD, but also glosses over how having NPD and ASPD is only ever a small part of the story.
The next time you are angry at someone, be it a politician or a parent or anyone else, for harming you, instead of blaming mental illness for making them feel a certain way, it would be more apt to blame the system that allows them to behave that way with little to no accountability. And, if you can, use that anger to fight that system!
