Pronouns, Color, Light bulb moment
so I’ve had a chance to support a loved one who I’ve known for almost two decades come out as enby. To me this is a gorgeous thing. They are becoming comfortable and happy with who they are. For the first time they are taking the right to be comfortable in their own skin.
And I’ve watched, and I’ve listened, and I’ve learned. And I’ve gotten pissed on their behalf.
You see, DH and I still occasionally fuck up - but correct ourselves immediately and move forward with a goal to do better - have watched as those who say they love this person DON’T EVEN TRY. There is no attempt to avoid the dead name. there is literally no effort to get the pronouns right and I got pissed and vented to DH about it and his response hit me like a brick.
It’s because he doesn’t care.
I’ve been thinking about that for almost a solid 24 hours now. If I were to confront this individual about their lack of respect for pronouns and dead name, he’d absolutely reply “It doesn’t matter. [they’re] still the same person [they’ve] always been and I love [them]. It doesn’t matter to me what pronouns or names they use.”
And that’s when I got it. THAT IS WHEN I UNDERSTOOD. because my whole fucking being has been screaming
I don’t care what pronouns they are using now
It doesn’t matter to me what gender they identify as they will always be....
Someone’s identity is NEVER about YOU. It’s about THEM. This is they skin THEY have to live in. These are the pronouns that reaffirm THEIR right to be seen. This is THEIR identity.
FFS THEY DESERVE TO BE SEEN. TO BE AFFIRMED. TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED. TO BE CELEBRATED!!
And your “I don’t see color.”, Your refusal to use their proper pronouns, your attempt to be “woke” IS SILENT ERASURE OF THEM AND THEIR IDENTITY AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT
See Color!! It makes the world more vibrant and it forces us to acknowledge **and take steps to correct** the horrible conditions others live under. Use someone’s pronouns properly. Doing so affirms and supports them. It encourages them to be their true selves. If a loved one has a gender identity that differs from one you know, educate yourself. Take steps. RELEARN WHO THAT INDIVIDUAL IS. Maybe not much has changed. Maybe a lot has changed. But the action of taking interest and learning will do a hell of a lot more than the empty “It doesn’t matter to me...” shit.
The action is doing the work to demonstrate. The words (without being accompanied by meaningful action) is laziness and erasure, not love