#acceptedrisk.

[shadowedvales-gone]

think real hard. it’ll come to you. (remember us talking about math whiz max tutoring jane? 😭)

"I am thinking." She spat, left hand curled into a fist beneath the table, frustration a boiling coil in her belly ready to burst. Anger was not aimed towards her friend (teacher, in this instance) rather poised against the unfamiliar work before her, sheets and textbooks filled with content she should have known years ago. Intentional isolation forbade her from such intricate knowledge. The tragedy cannot be wiped away as tears threaten to spring— the only way to rid them, to save herself further embarrassment, was to bite down hard on the skin inside her mouth, a small touch of pain to keep grounded. Yet, the pages remain blurred, numbers unreadable behind the glistening in her eyes, brain unable to comprehend presented equations. She threw the pencil on the desk in an act of defiance, a statement that she was finished for the day.

"I cannot do it, Max. It's hard. I'm too stupid." She and Becky worked together to stop saying the "S" word... but Becky wasn't around to hear it, so no harm done! Gaze refused to return to the girl beside her in fear there'd be some kind of judgement upon her face, or worse: she'd be laughing. "I won't ever understand it. There is no point trying."

[a-shadowedvales]

@acceptedrisk, you know, you can tell me things if you need to.

the amount of curiosity coursing through her cold body was almost alarming; occasionally reaching an extent where it forged into something overwhelming, too. a thousand years she had been lost in strangling silence, stuck in an impermeable darkness where hours of the day merged together in one, non-linear structure. complete chaos beat inside the head and heart— until the light finally hit and ironically her life found reason. that overwhelming nature first began in the shape of a loud, albeit kind band of ghosts who all meant well: exceedingly proved in the way they handled themselves around her. soft but not condescending. always encouraging but never pressuring. to put it lightly, her emotions were complicated; unsure how to express bellowing mountains of words, all compiled in messy, erratic thoughts... (whether they'd even form sense if she tried was another story completely.) with the newest addition to their house, however, she discovered it actually was a little bit easier. perhaps it wasn't so terrible being a mere echo of yourself. especially when you're more alive than you ever were, back when drawing poisoned breaths. there is no harp of misery plucked, no child stained in prophecy or expectation. she is janessa ives and nothing less. she tugged a deep breath inwards, eyes cast down while carefully crafting the planned response; then glanced back up, briefly pausing before continuing.

“thank you, max.” she felt the same, hoping the girl would come to her if the desire ever struck. jane still struggled to grasp how this strange part of the world functioned, but knew by now that good prevailed beneath the surface. thanks to newfound trust, patches of personal history started being spoken aloud. “it can be hard. to ex-plane what i feel. make them understand.” she shrugged lazily, not thinking it too big a deal; she could acknowledge things were getting better, due solely to present company. “sometimes i do want to speak about… large feelings. from here.” she gestured to her chest with her pointed index finger, jabbing twice for emphasis. “but i do not really know how. i think i am still learning.”

[a-shadowedvales]

what a dream that would be! jane had never been the biggest fan of snow, preferring to view it behind the safety of glass windows. it was beautiful, no doubt, tiny flakes dancing amongst the earth's crust; you'd have to be mad to miss the enchantment of it. still, the recollection of fingernails turning brown, teeth chattering until the jaw began to ache... a near month alone in the white tended to turn one away from the desire of revisiting. "oh, yes! that sounds good, max!" it was her weekend at hopper's, and given he was spending the evening with joyce, they'd have the cabin to themselves for at least a few hours. "i do think it looks way too freezing out there. might feel less cold tomorrow."

she scrambled off the couch, directing her path to the fridge. a ridiculously full fridge of christmas snacks, enough to feed ten people, rather than the two residing in the small home. she retrieved the plate of sugar cookies (made by her own hand, thank you very much!) and the gingerbread men specifically stocked in preparation for max visiting. those were store bought, though, with becky’s assistance, as she didn’t trust herself successfully completing such a complicated recipe. they needed to be perfect. "what do you want to watch? i will get the fire ready, and you pick a movie for us." she set down both plates delicately on the table, as a final request sounded; "do you want a drink, too?"

let's just stay in, light a fire and watch some movies. @acceptedrisk