I think I'm somewhere in the spectrum of asexuality, but I don't talk about it off anon, it's rather private for me. How would you work on an ironstrange story with one of them being ace? I haven't ever read a romantic story where only one partner was ace, because it seems most people are concentrated on sex (both in fanfic and the real world) and only seem interested in a pairing if that physical aspect exists. I would be interested to hear you expand on that.......
Hey, that’s cool! We all deal with our sexualities differently and at our own paces. I’m pretty chill about talking about my own asexuality, so if you ever have questions or whatever, I’m around.
As for my story, I’m going to first expand on a couple of different ace headcanons I have for Tony.
All of it sort of comes back to my primary headcanon - Tony is touch-starved.
So if Tony were a sex-positive/neutral ace - which actually is really easy to coincide with canon, let me tell you - then really not much would change. Tony asks Happy to rate Christine Everheart for him in IM1 before he opts to talk to her. So my headcanon here would be that Tony’s not terribly picky about who he has sex with - it’s just a tool to make himself feel good. He’s not really attracted to people. The rating system probably came around because Tony slept with someone not conventionally attractive and the news blew up and it just wasn’t something he wanted to deal with or put upon some poor woman who didn’t deserve that kind of media backlash.
BUT
I’m a sex-repulsed ace and that’s how I’m most interested in writing Tony when I think about ace!Tony (and also most interested in reading about, though I can’t really be picky here because it’s slim pickings out there fam).
So.
Sex-repulsed ace Tony who uses sex because he craves human contact and because he has trouble making connections with people (due to Howard Stark’s general abuse, being rich and famous, being ten times as smart as anyone else, plus various personality traits that people may find abrasive - dude’s really got the odds stacked against him here), he resorts to sex bc it’s just the easiest method of getting someone to touch him without any strings. People kind of expect the son of Howard Stark to be a womanizer just like his old man anyway.
Also, if he’s had the disastrous relationship with Sunset Bain (ala the comics) then he’s going to really be wary of people just trying to get close to him anyway.
Except sex isn’t a real feasible solution for him. Bc he’s sex-repulsed. So he’s just making himself feel awful in exchange for getting the touch he craves.
I imagine part of this is solved via Rhodey for a while in college, but then Rhodey joins the Air Force.
Tony’s gotta find a new solution.
Goes back to sex for a little bit, but now that he’s had a taste of affection with no expectation of sex, it’s even harder to go back.
(Insert potential solution.)
Fake dating is a good one. I’ve seen another writer have Tony offer a room to whoever got blackout drunk at whatever party he went to and then usually when they were sent on their way in the morning, they’d claim they slept with him for their fifteen minutes of fame or the paparazzi would catch them leaving or something.
For my fic, I’m gonna have Tony get kind of desperate and offer to pay off Stephen’s med school loans in exchange for the occasional hug/cuddle in a roommate situation (Stephen gets out of the dorms/doesn’t have to struggle to pay bills for apartment and Tony gets to see a real human being regularly).
(Insert “oh my god they were roommates”)
And then they fall in love and other plot things.
Stephen is a very busy man and doesn’t have a lot of free time and really, intimacy and love are waaaay more important to a relationship than sex.
People just equate sex with intimacy. Which is why they rely on sex so much in their relationships. Sex really isn’t necessary at all to a relationship. You just have to be willing to be intimate with your partner - whether that’s hand-holding or kissing (I personally am not even into kissing ugh) or telling each other secrets or a hug when you pass each other or whatever.
The partner that likes sex can masturbate if they really need to. It’s just a bodily function.
Tony blasting “Another One Bites the Dust” in his dorm room/apartment/lab/Tower every time he goes through a break up because even when he was fucking fifteen he knew people would think he ruined the relationship and that it was his fault and nothing hides the sound of a broken heart like a Queen jam.
Rhodey is the only one who knows how hard Tony cries after yet another break up, sobbing into his pillow because he tries and tries and doesn’t know why things just don’t work.
And it’s Rhodey who one day switches off the music in the lab and swoops Tony up and holds him close and tells him “You’re not broken.”
“I feel broken.”
“You’re sort of a disaster and definitely one lab accident away from being a super villain and good god do you have terrible taste in food but Tony?” Rhodey frames Tony’s face with both his hands and wipes away a stray tear. “Not broken.”
“Whatever.” Tony looks away. “You can say that all you want, but even you wouldn’t date someone like me.”
“Fuckin’ try me.” Rhodey says firmly and that’s the very first time Tony says yes to a date without feeling sick to his stomach.
And it’s the first time he can hold hands in public without worrying that the other person thinks it’s going somewhere.
And climbing into bed next to Rhodey and cuddling up close is just as good as it’s always been and Tony wonders why he had ever been afraid of this sort of thing.
And now when Queen plays in the lab, it’s usually We Are The Champions and Rhodey knows with out a doubt that Tony is cranking it to cover the noise of an experiment that had gone well but is still considered a safety hazard.
Can you PLEASE PLEASE write something with ace Tony who is actually afraid of sex and doesn't wanna have it. Ever. But he wants a loving relationship so bad it almost hurts. (it could be stony or tonyrhodey or winteriron? just no poly, please) Thank you!!
i would kill for ace!Tony fic where he tries to push himself into sex and in the last moment, when he is already in bed with someone he’s like “no, i can’t, please stop” because he literally can’t do it.
can you write asexual tony?
Ya’ll had such similar prompts that I mashed them together.:) I think I’m gonna go with winteriron! Kind of went and did a no-power AU butTony’s still a rich CEO. (I took ‘already in bed with someone’ to mean ‘aboutto have sex’ and not literally be in a bed.)
If you’re wondering why Bucky seems like such an asshole inthe beginning scene, it’s because he thinks that Tony is actually straight andjust using him as an experiment to sate his curiosity. This would hurt anyone,of course, but especially a bisexual former soldier with self-esteem issuesbecause of his prosthetic, so he’s got a bit of an itchy trigger finger when itcomes to being hurt. (Also self-destructive tendencies are a symptom of PTSD.)He also makes poor decisions when it comes to his mental health.
Also congrats this is REALLY FUCKING LONG. So watch out forthe cut.
You can also find this on Ao3 here.
Kissing Bucky was good. Great, even! Tony liked kissing. Heeven liked making out. Especially when Bucky tilted his head and licked intohis mouth at just the right angle. Tony whimpered into the kiss, clutching athis shoulders. He hadn’t expected that saying he was a little (a lot) out ofpractice would actually make Bucky want to kiss him more!
He couldn’t help the yelp that escaped his mouth when Buckygrabbed his ass with both hands and squeezed. “Buck-!”
“Your ass is amazin’, doll,” Bucky drawled, dipping his headto kiss and nip his neck.
Oh. Well, this was okay too! Tony didn’t mind having ahickey or… several. He kind of liked that it showed everyone that he wasBucky’s. Even if he did usually have to cover them up, he knew they were there, and it was a good feeling. And he did have a great ass. He was aware ofthat. Hell, there were fan sites dedicated solely to his ass. He supposed mostpeople wanted to get a handful of it. And it wasn’t… terrible.
Tony tilted his head back and whined quietly at aparticularly sharp nip of teeth. “Are you tryingto make me look like I was mauled?”
“Yeah,” Bucky purred. “Dating six months and people still go after you. Gotta let ‘em knowyou’re taken.”
“Oh,” Tony said happily. Yes, that was good. Pepper couldn’tget mad at him for not covering up if it was too dark to cover up. He hesitated before pressing a kiss to Bucky’s ear.When he heard a noise of encouragement, he nearly purred, taking his earlobeinto his mouth and tugging gently.
Bucky groaned quietly, squeezing his ass again, then slidhis right hand in further to press at the seam of his pants between his cheeks.
Tony jumped, stiffening. But that was fine. Everything wasfine. They’d been dating for six months; it was natural for Bucky to want totouch him… there. He tried to relax again. It was fine.
“Surprised how shy you are,” Bucky mumbled, pulling his handback. “Would’ve thought you were used to this.”
Tony chuckled weakly, relaxing a little now that his handhad moved. “I guess.” Then he squeaked as the brunet began unbuckling his beltto get at the fly of his pants. “Bucky—”
“’s alright, hon’,” he soothed, peppering his face withlittle kisses. “Let me take care of you.”
“Okay,” Tony choked out, gripping the fabric of Bucky’sshirt in tight fists. This was… this was… fine. He would be okay. Bucky… Buckywould take care of him. Bucky was great. He was even really gentle as he pulledhis jeans open and reached inside. Everything… everything would be fine.
Except Bucky was grabbinghis dick oh no oh no.
“No?” Tony said, unsure. He felt Bucky’s hand stop strokingbut at the same time tighten around his cock and said again, more forcefully,“No. No. No! No no no!”
Bucky let go of him as if he’d caught fire. “Shit, Tony—”
Tony hit the floor next to the couch with a dull thud,scrabbling backward and babbling, “I can’t. I tried! But I can’t. No. I can’t.I won’t. I can’t!”
Bucky frowned, confused and a little hurt. “You can’t—haveyou never been with a man before?”
He hadn’t been with anyonebefore. “No.”
Horrifyingly, the confusion left Bucky’s face, and it justleft hurt and anger. “So, what? I was an experiment to you? To sate yourcuriosity?”
“No!” Tony choked out, breath coming in quicker. “I didn’t—Iwasn’t—”
“You know, if you’d just been upfront with me, we could’vegotten it over with six months ago,” Bucky snapped, standing. “I don’t mind aquick pawing session to set curious guys straight, but I don’t date people for sixmonths just so they can see if they actually like dick. Why would you waste mytime like that?”
“But I wasn’t,” Tony said desperately. “I wasn’t wastingyour time, I just—”
“Just don’t want to have sex with me,” Bucky spat. “Becauseyou’re not attracted to me. Yeah, I get that.”
Tony looked down at his clenched fists, trying to catch hisbreath. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah?” Bucky looked like he was going to say somethingelse, then just sagged, as if he was tired. “Me, too.”
Tony bit his lip and stared down at his white knuckles,trying not to cry. He couldn’t even bring himself to watch the other man stormout, flinching when he heard the door slam. He pressed his head to the woodfloor and focused on breathing out, breath coming in short, sharp gasps. Buckywas probably never coming back. But it was his fault anyway.
He dug his teeth into his lip harder, trying to keep tearsat bay, and sat up straight again. He tucked himself back into his pants withshaking hands. Well. This had lasted five months longer than he thought itwould.
He didn’t… he didn’t understand.He knew that Bucky was attractive. He knew that he should like being intimatewith him, should like touching and being touched. He knew that he should feelsomething other than disgust when he even thoughtabout sex. So why couldn’t he just put up with it? Keeping Bucky would havebeen worth the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Tony sniffled quietly and wiped at his face. How pathetic.He was a grown man and he was still crying over this. He should have been usedto this by now. Just because Bucky was the person he’d had the deepest feelingsfor didn’t mean he wasn’t used to people walking out on him because he couldn’tbring himself to put out. He wanted to do this for Bucky, so much, and he couldn’t even do that. He was so selfish.
Tony didn’t check his phone until the next day, when he hadstopped struggling to breathe every ten minutes after remembering Bucky’s angryexpression.
Steve called first. Tony only got through the first part ofthe message, when Steve was yelling ‘what the fuck, Tony’ before he ended the replay with shaking fingers. Hefigured all of the other messages would be variations of the same. Natasha,Sam, and Clint had called, too. They’d probably be just like Steve’s, loud andangry. He felt hot with shame.
Bruce called once. Just to ask if he was okay. Tony’s thumbhovered over the call back button, but then he decided against it. Bruce wasfriends with Natasha. He wouldn’t want to make it awkward for him.
Bucky hadn’t called.
Tony bit his lip and forced himself to take long, slowbreaths. Why would he call.
Bucky’s coat was hooked over the back of a chair in thekitchen. Or, well, it was probably Tony’s coat now. He’d stolen it so much thatBucky had finally laughed and stopped asking for it back. He should probablygive it back to him now.
But maybe Bucky wouldn’t want it. Tony had worn it so manytimes, after all.
“You shouldn’t have said anything,” he whispered to himself,voice breaking. “It could have been fine.”
It would have been awkward, uncomfortable, but at least he’dstill have Bucky.
Pepper stomped into the mansion and sighed angrily, shouting“Tony!” She got no reply. But that wasn’t unusual. Sometimes Tony would zoneout while he was working.
She went down to the workshop and paused in confusion whenshe didn’t find him there. “…JARVIS? Where is Tony?”
“Sir is in hisbedroom, Ms. Potts,” JARVIS replied promptly. “Please see to him.”
So Tony was probably drunk. Great.
Pepper sighed as she pushed the door to his room open.“Tony, what are you—oh honey,” shegasped quietly when she saw him curled up on the bed.
Tony’s hair was greasy, and it looked like he hadn’t changedout of his clothes in a few days. His skin was so sallow, and he looked sogaunt; she wondered when he’d eaten last. He peeled open his eyes to look ather, and they were so bloodshot that she wanted to weep for him. He hadn’tlooked this bad since—since—she didn’t know. She didn’t think she’d ever seenhim this bad.
She approached the bed cautiously, reaching out to touch hisshoulder. “Tony, honey? What’s wrong?”
“…I think I’m broken,” Tony whispered, closing his eyesagain.
Pepper frowned and sat down on the edge of the bed, noticingthe tear tracks on his cheeks up close. At first she’d worried that it mighthave something to do with his heart again, but now… now she knew it wasn’tanything so simple. “Why do you think that?”
“I don’t—” he started, then stopped, eyes going glassy. Whenshe only waited patiently for him to continue, instead of trying to fill thesilence, he tried again. “I don’t want to have sex. Miss Universe could walk inand offer me her body and I… I would just feel sick. What kind of person—theremust be something wrong with me. Otherwise. Otherwise I would want that kind ofthing. And then people would stay. Right?”
Pepper’s breath hitched. She’d noticed that he didn’t hit onher, like most of her bosses had. She hadn’t thought it was because—oh, Tony.“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she told him soothingly, wanting to cry,because who wouldn’t want this sweet man? “Some people just don’t want sex, andthat’s okay.”
“Bucky said I was leading him on,” Tony explained, tuckinghis face into his pillow. “He said. He said if I was curious about men, wecould have gotten this over with months ago. I thought… I love him. And Ithought he loved me.”
Pepper reached up and ran her hand through his hair,wrinkling her nose at how gross it felt, but helpless in the face of wanting tosoothe his hurt. “You weren’t leading him on.”
“I tried—I tried so hard. I was going to do it. Give himwhat he wanted. And then I chickened out. Just the thought of—I wanted tovomit. That. That’s not normal.”
She paused, then leaned closer to him, frowning. “…You wereforcing yourself to have sex with him?”
“He’s,” Tony began, frowning. “I wouldn’t have been—he’svery attractive. Said he’d take care of me, even. It. It should have been. I should have been—I’m revolted by thevery idea. But I should have been—I love him, so I should have been able to doit anyway.”
“But you didn’t reallywant to have sex,” Pepper summarized. “Tony, that’s not fair to you atall.”
Tony frowned, staring at the wall. “…I just wanted him tostay.”
“I’m sorry,” Pepper told him, because what else could she say?She’d seen Tony date, and he’d fallen hard and fast for each person, but Buckyhad been something special. Bucky was Tony’s sun—Tony revolved around him,bragged about how smart and brave his boyfriend was. Pepper had believed thatBucky was probably going to be The One for Tony.
Right now she mostly just believed that she should findBucky and kick his teeth in.
“Why don’t you take a shower, and shave?” she suggestedsoftly. “It might help you feel a little better.”
Tony stood mechanically, because Pepper only ever wantedwhat was best for him. “Why can’t I be normal, Pepper?”
Pepper frowned at him, heart breaking. Usually she’d jokethat there was a long list, but now was definitely not the time. “You are normal, Tony. Your normal is justdifferent from everybody else’s.” She watched his face crumple and felt likethe worst person on Earth.
Tony was signing paperwork at the kitchen table, not up togoing out, when he looked up at Pepper and said, “I think I’ll go home.”
“You are home,” she answered distractedly, glaring at aproposal on her tablet, before she blinked and looked up at him, confused.“…What?”
“Back to Malibu,” he explained. “Maybe if it were justBucky, I… I can’t avoid Bucky and all of his friends at the same time.”
She blinked at him owlishly. “They’re your friends, too.”
Tony looked back down at the paperwork, fiddling with hispen. “…They chose their side.”
Pepper looked at his phone, still on the table next to thathideous leather jacket he’d stolen from Bucky. She picked it up and opened it,reading a few texts. Her expression went darker with every word. “I see.”
“It’s not like this mansion means anything to me,” he added,motioning around him. “And I—I can teleconference. You do most of the work hereanyway. I can fax my paperwork over to you.”
The personal assistant part of her wanted to demand he stayhere, do his job, and ignore Bucky and his friends whenever he saw them. Thepersonal friend part of her won out, though, because anyone who could watchTony fall in love and then fall apart without caring was a monster. “If that’swhat you want.”
He wanted Bucky back. But Bucky had made it clear that hedidn’t want him. “Thank you. You should probably give yourself a really big raise.”
Pepper brought him a new phone a few days later. He was justfinishing packing, having put all his affairs in order. “I put Jim’s and mynumbers in already,” she told him. “Because that’s all you really need in theend. Have you talked to Jim yet?”
Tony fiddled with the settings on his phone, frowning. “…I…I’m not in a good place to. Yet. I’ll tell him when… when it stops hurting somuch.” He tilted his head. “…Or until I’m back in Malibu. It’ll be much harderfor him to march out of the house to find Bucky and beat him to death if we’rein California.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” she conceded. She also wantedto find Bucky and beat him to death. Maybe she’d do it once Tony was gone.
He turned and finished zipping up a garment bag full ofsuits. “I don’t even know why I’m packing all of this,” he said suddenly. “Iwon’t need it. It’s not like I’ll be going to business meetings or anything.”
“You need to at least take the jackets,” Pepper insisted.“You can’t just teleconference with us in a beat up old tank top.”
Tony sighed and nodded obediently. “Okay.” He looked aroundthe room, frowning. He really didn’t have anything of sentimental value here.Just a few suitcases and garment bags full of toiletries and clothes. If hedidn’t know better, he would have said he’d been staying in a hotel. It hadfelt much warmer, and more like a home, when Bucky had been here with him.
Pepper grabbed two of his suitcases and sighed, frowning athim. “I hope this helps, Tony. Truly.”
“Me too,” he admitted, grabbing his garment and toiletrybags. “Thanks, Pepper.”
“Just make sure you call me when you bed down for thenight,” she insisted over her shoulder as they went down the stairs. “Betteryet, Skype me. I want to see your stupid face to make sure you’re really okay.”
“My face isn’t stupid.”
“It’s kinda stupid.”
“Well, okay.”
Dum-E and U were packed up on a trailer behind the car. Theybeeped and waved at him.
He waved back with the hand holding the toiletry bag. “Areyou ready for another road trip, Dum-E? Hey, this is gonna be the first timefor U. You take care of him, Dum-E,” Tony ordered sternly.
Dum-E beeped obediently and swiveled his camera around to U.
Pepper turned from depositing his suitcases in the back ofthe car, letting out a sigh. “…I’m gonna miss you, Tony.”
“Miss yelling at me in person, you mean,” Tony replied,smiling a little.
She stared at him for a moment, conveying that she was goingto miss him for a lot more than that, before she said, “That too.”
Tony set his things down in the back of the car as wellbefore wrapping her up in a hug. “Thanks,” he said, with all the sincerity hecould muster. “I really do appreciate this, Pep.”
“Of course,” she said, burying her face in his shoulder. “Ijust want you to be happy.”
Tony took a moment to just appreciate that Pepper was in hislife before he leaned back, giving her a sad smile. “Can you do one last thingfor me?”
“Anything,” Pepper answered immediately.
He laughed quietly, because he really must have looked badif she was giving him that open-ended answer. He turned and grabbed the leatherjacket from the back of the car, turning to hand it to her. “Could you—I mean.I can’t. Keep this.” He stroked the supple leather with his thumbs, rememberingthe first time Bucky had put it around his shoulders, after he’d gotten soakedby a tearfully apologetic waitress. He wanted to keep it, but it didn’t—Hewouldn’t—
It didn’t even smell like Bucky anymore.
Pepper took it from his hands, nodding. “Yeah.”
“Just return it to him.”
“Okay.”
“He’ll probably be glad to have it back.”
He’ll be glad I don’thave it, he didn’t say, and Pepper felt white-hot rage flow through her.But that was okay. Tony couldn’t bring himself to be mad yet. She would be madfor him.
Tony smiled weakly. “Try not to scare the minions too much,Potts.”
“Don’t call them minions,” she ordered immediately. “AndI’ll scare them all I like because they deserve it.”
Tony laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.
Bucky saw Pepper Potts approaching their table and wonderedif she was coming to murder him. She looked mad enough. Had to be mad enough,really, if she was walking into a dive bar in designer clothes and heels. Hetook a moment to be happy that he was sharing a booth with his friends, becauseshe couldn’t possibly kill all of them.
“Barnes,” she said coolly, coming to a stop beside thetable. She held something out to him. “I believe this is yours.”
“Uh—” Bucky took the bundle, because she’d always scared hima little, but she especially scared him now. “I—Oh.” It was the leather jacketthat he’d stopped asking Tony for. It had looked good on him. “Oh,” he repeatedagain, a bit dumbly. “Thanks.”
“If it were up to me,” Pepper continued, as if he hadn’tspoken, and her voice was like ice stabbing into him. “It if were up to me, Iwould have ruined you. But Tony hasalways been too forgiving, too nice. I hope you’re happy,” she snarled, turningher gaze on everyone else at the table. “I hope you’re really proud of yourselves.” She visibly tried to calm down, thenburst out, “I hope you all fucking die.”
“Pepper,” Natasha began, appalled, but also concerned. “Doyou even know what—”
“I expected better from you. Do not speak to me,” Pepperhissed at her before turning back to Bucky. “I guess it doesn’t matter to youthat he tried, that he was going to suffer in silence just so he could keep you.It’s not his fault that he finds even the idea of sex repulsive. And maybe oneday he’ll find someone that doesn’t need sex to be in a relationship with him.I’m just sorry he had to suffer through you.”
Bucky gaped up at her, confused. “Repul-?”
“It’s nice to know you’ve all shown your true colorsthough,” Pepper added coolly, turning her attention back to the rest of thegroup. “I thought you were Tony’s friends, but friends don’t have such lowopinions of each other that they accuse someone of the things you did. I’m justglad that he will never see youagain. And if you have any self-preservation, you’d best make sure that I don’t see you again either,” she addedcoldly, then turned on one high, high heel and swept away.
Bucky watched her go, feeling as if he’d been doused withice-water. Tony had—Tony didn’t likesex? At all? He didn’t—He’d liked the kissing, and the hickeys, and cuddling—hadn’t he?
Bucky swallowed, suddenly nauseated. Tony had never said—butwhy would he have said anything? They were taking it slow, Bucky had asked towait to be intimate until he felt better about his arm, and Tony… Tony hadlooked relieved. And Tony had been so, so surprised when he’d leaned in and kissedhim at the end of the sixth date. Had he even enjoyed that, or was he justputting up with that too?
He remembered the way he’d touched Tony that last time andnearly lost his battle to keep from vomiting. Tony had laughed it off eventhough he’d hated it. He didn’t—that’s not what a relationship was supposed tobe like. When Tony had bashfully said ‘I’m a bit out of practice,’ Bucky had noidea that that meant he’d had no practiceat all. Even if he hadn’t known about his repulsion to sex, if he’d knownTony was a virgin, their first time wouldn’t have been an attempted hand job onthe couch.
But he wouldn’t have liked that either. Because he didn’twant to be touched like that at all.
“Hey, man,” Sam said, frowning, and reached out to put hishand on the back of his head. “Breathe.”
Bucky let him ease his head down on the table, gasping in abreath. He’d been so afraid of being hurt, of having his boundaries pushed,that he’d never stopped to think that maybe Tony might have boundary concernsas well. All Bucky had been worried about was not having a flashback or panicattack because of his PTSD. And Tony had been so, so supportive of him, had been the one to get him the advancedprosthetic, had donated more money to the VA than Bucky had earned his entire life.
“Why didn’t he sayanything?” he asked quietly, even though he knew. Tony never asked for what hereally wanted, let alone needed, especially if he thought it might upsetsomeone.
And he’d just… just leftTony there, said he’d led him on, and he’d seen how hurt and afraid Tony hadbeen, and he’d turned his back on him anyway.
Bucky didn’t even try to swallow down the sick feeling thattime, instead turning and puking directly onto the floor.
Steve helped him to bed. He could hear the others whisperingout in the living room and he didn’t care. He felt shaky and tired, but alsotoo wired to sleep. His thoughts wouldn’t stop—all he could think about wereall of the clues he’d been too self-absorbed to see.
Tony being perfectly happy with holding his hand, and notmoving to get closer. Tony pressing quick little kisses to his lips, too fastto be made into something deeper. Tony moving Bucky’s hands from his butt tohis waist when they danced. Tony shivering and stiffening whenever Bucky pressedhis chest to the smaller man’s back.
Tony suffering in silence because he was afraid to lose him.
Bucky reached out for the phone lying on his bedside table,flicking through it. Tony had never called. Then again, Bucky hadn’t exactlymade him think he would accept one. He thought about texting him, but thatwould be the easy way out. He didn’t deserve the easy way out after how he’dmade Tony feel. He hesitated with his finger over the call button beforepressing it resolutely. Then he cringed when he heard a beeping noise.
“We are sorry. Youhave reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Ifyou feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number andtry your call again.”
Bucky blinked slowly, frowning. He pulled his phone back andfurrowed his brows. He’d hit Tony’s contact icon. He hit it again, just to makesure, but he got the same beeping noise and then mechanical voice.
“Steve?” he croaked, forcing himself to sit up. “Steve!”
“Yeah, Buck, what?” Steve asked, poking his head into theroom.
“Call Tony,” Bucky ordered, sliding into a sitting positionand trying to find the energy to stand up.
Steve rushed in and put a hand on his shoulder. “Whoa,Bucky. Calm down. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
“No,” Bucky said, reaching up to grab his wrist. “You needto call him now.”
Steve sighed but obediently pulled out his phone. He knewthey’d stopped calling and texting Tony a few days ago, because he hadn’t beenanswering anyway. He watched the blond’s face with rapt attention, seeing himraise his eyebrows in surprise, then furrow them in confusion. Steve wasgetting the same message he did.
“…Did he change his number?” Steve whispered, horrified. “Ohmy God.”
“Pepper said that we were never going to see him again,”Bucky murmured, once again feeling like his veins were full of ice water. Hetried to surge to his feet, but Steve pushed him back down. “Steve-!”
“Bucky,” Steve said sternly. “You puked your brains out andhad a panic attack. As much as you want to go to him, you need to take care ofyourself, too.”
Bucky wanted to punch him. He also kinda wanted to cry,because he knew Steve was right.
Despite being exhausted and still smelling like a drunk hobothrew up on him, Bucky was up and out of bed so early that the sun wasn’t evenup yet. He changed clothes so he smelled less like vomit. He still kind ofsmelled like a bar, but that was okay. People kind of expected that at fiveo’clock in the morning.
He tiptoed out to the living room. Clint was strewn acrossthe couch and covered in a blanket. He could hear that Steve and Sam were bothsnoring in their shared room. He’d known they would be, though. Before he’drealized he was an asshole and been shocked sober, they’d been getting a prettygood buzz on.
Natasha was sitting in the recliner, tapping on her phone.She glanced up at him for a moment before returning her gaze to the glowingscreen. “Right, because turning up at his door smelling like a brewery is goingto go over so well.”
“Steve wakes up whenever I turn the water in the shower on,”Bucky whispered back, annoyed. “And then he’d want to come with me because ifthere’s anything he does better than getting self-righteous, it’s getting superapologetic. I don’t know what you guys sent to Tony but Potts wants us alldead, so maybe just one person should see him at a time.”
“You’re probably right,” she conceded, nodding. “Good luck,dumbass.”
Bucky thought about giving her the finger, but she’dprobably throw a knife at him and cut it off. Instead, he left the apartmentand began walking toward Tony’s mansion. If he kept a steady pace, he could bethere by six-thirty. He should probably take a cab, because if any of hisfriends found out he’d walked that far after last night they’d pitch a fit, buthonestly… if he took a cab, he wouldn’t have as much time to think. And heneeded to.
Somehow, their wires had gotten crossed somewhere. Buckytried to parse where that had happened, when Tony had started to compromise(concede) and let Bucky touch him (put up with his touch).
Holding hands must have been fine, he decided. Tony was theone that instigated it the most after Bucky had tentatively touched their handstogether during a walk in the park. In fact, getting him to stop holding his hand had been aproblem. Many cups of coffee had been sacrificed to Tony’s grabby hands. Buckyhad almost tossed Tony the first timehe grabbed his metal one, and he hadn’t even been mad or upset, just sorry.Then he’d worked really hard to get him used to having his metal hand held.
Bucky’s heart twinged—Tony had been so accepting of all ofhim, even the missing parts.
There’d… definitely been a misunderstanding when they weredancing. They’d gone clubbing with the others, and Bucky had… gotten a littlehandsy. He hadn’t thought it had been too risqué; he’d just stuck his hands inTony’s back pockets. And who could blame him? Tony’s ass was phenomenal. He’d seen fan sitesdedicated solely to it. Tony had stiffened, but he’d assumed it was out ofsurprise—and then, when Tony had grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands backup to his waist, he’d looked at the smaller man’s blushing face and decided hewas shy, or not into such public displays of affection.
In reality, Tony just really hadn’t liked it. Would have probablypreferred it not happen again. And never said anything about it.
Bucky stopped walking for a minute to catch his breath. Hehad to calm down. He couldn’t afford another panic attack, especially whenthere was no one there to ground him. He was pretty sure if he collapsed, he’dbe more likely to be robbed than he’d be helped. Okay. He just needed a minute.
He should have taken a fucking minute before he’d gottenpissed off and stormed out like a fucking asshole.No okay he was going to go into a panic attack. Okay. He could think about thatwhen he got to the mansion. The lawn of the mansion. …The gate.
Bucky forced himself to put one foot in front of the otheragain. He needed to focus. Quite honestly he was pretty sure that as soon asSteve woke up and realized he was gone, he’d beat feet after him, because henever could leave well enough alone.He needed to see Tony before Steve caught up to him. Or at least get onto thegrounds before that. Steve hated using the code Tony gave him, so it would atleast buy him some time.
He tried not to think about grabbing Tony’s ass and focusedon other places he could have gone wrong. He had to fight not to physicallycringe when he’d remembered three months ago, and he’d felt so comfortable withTony. Felt so comfortable with himself.Tony had made him think that his prosthetic wasn’t as horrible as he’d thought,that the scarring on his shoulder wasn’t such a terrible thing, that he couldactually be attractive despite not being the clean-cut man he’d been before thearmy. He’d never thought he’d be able to feel that way again. And in hisvulnerability, he wanted.
So he’d said, “I want to be with you,” and leaned in to kissTony right there in his living room, despite the fact that Steve or Sam could havebeen home any minute. Tony had kissed back soenthusiastically, and the noises he’d made into his mouth had been beautiful.He’d wanted to press Tony down on the couch, but knew that if he didn’t atleast make it to the bedroom and one of his friends came home, he wouldprobably get his ass kicked, so he’d broken the kiss to suggest moving to thebed.
And Tony had looked up at him with a smile tremulous withhope and said, “I’ve never had someone ask me to be exclusive before.”
Maybe it had been a good thing that Bucky had been soshocked at the admission that he’d forgotten all about sex. He hadn’t been ableto believe that someone could date Tony and not immediately want to keep himfor themselves. Tony was precious. And looking back on it now, Tony obviously hadn’teven noticed it was a come-on.
It explained the time after that, a month later, when Buckyhad said, “You ever think of bein’ closer?” And Tony had frowned at him like hewas crazy and said, “I’m sitting in your lap? Oh my God. Are you talking aboutlocation? I am not moving toBrooklyn. Your apartment is smaller than my closet.” Of course, Bucky had hadto tickle him mercilessly to defend the honor of his home. Tony hadaccidentally punched him in the nose, and that had effectively ruined whatevermood Bucky had had left.
And Bucky… Bucky had just figured Tony was shy. Because noone could be that oblivious.
So two weeks ago, when he’d said, ‘let’s take the next stepin our relationship…’ What had Tony thought he was saying? He’d looked so scaredand thrilled at the same time, had even let out a delighted little squeakbefore he kissed him… What had Tony expected that made him so happy?
Bucky took a deep breath when he remembered how he’dreacted. Tony has said no, and he’d been so worried, but then he’d said ‘Ican’t’ and ‘I won’t’ and Bucky hadthought… he’d thought that Tony was finally admitting that he was actuallystraight. That he’d been experimenting with his sexuality and realized thatBucky disgusted him.
He’d always sort of wondered about it, even though he’d beenhappy kissing and cuddling. There was no mention of Tony dating men in themagazines or papers. Tony had explained it away, saying there were tons ofcelebrities that were in the closet because it was bad for their image or badfor business. Bucky himself had seen the way stocks had dipped when they werefinally photographed together. Pepper had said it wasn’t enough to worry about,but it had still been an eye-opening experience.
And if Tony hadhad male partners, he’d thought there was no way Tony could be as oblivious ashe acted—he’d seen Tony glad-hand politicians so expertly that the guys didn’teven realize he wasn’t sincere, had steered conversations as easily as hesteered his expensive cars. Bucky had wondered, maybe, if Tony was doing thatto him, too. He’d never really been able to figure out a motive, but… he’d stillbeen in kind of a dark place when they’d started their relationship, and thedoubt had never really left, because why would someone like Tony, who wassmart, attractive, and wealthy, want anything to do with him, an angry,self-conscious, and anxious war vet with a physical disability?
The loss of his arm in Afghanistan hadn’t even been hisworst injury. He’d been tortured for days until Steve had come bursting in withthe rest of the Howling Commandoes like some sort of fucking white knight—ifwhite knights wore tactical gear and camouflage paint. The first months he’dspent in therapy had been their own kind of hell. It was even worse when helearned that Steve hadn’t reenlisted at the end of his contract, instead takingan honorable discharge so he could come take care of Bucky’s traumatized ass.
They had met at physical therapy, when Bucky had beengetting ready for his prosthetic. Tony had been at the tail end of his therapy fromsurgery to repair an aneurysm in his heart, and had stuck around when he’d seenBucky… sulking. Bucky realized now that he had been in no position to begin arelationship. Maybe he’d been looking for something normal when his life hadfelt all fucked up, something grounding when he constantly felt at sea.
Bucky loved Tony, deeply, with all of his heart—but thefoundation of their relationship, at least on Bucky’s side, had been builtwhile floundering for something stable, and he’d been unconsciously waiting forthe other shoe to drop, for the crumbling brick in the foundation that wouldsend the whole thing crashing down. Tony had shown he loved him despite hisflashbacks, his prosthetic, and his bouts of irritability and agitation.
So he’d taken Tony’s hesitance and decided that it meant he didn’twant him, because when he self-destructed, he did it in a spectacular fashionthat sent shrapnel out in all directions to hurt the ones he loved. And he wasjust cruel enough to make sure that the shrapnel was aimed at Tony’s heart.
“Sergeant Stunning reporting for duty,” Bucky said tiredly.He should have taken a cab. “Seeking my civilian sweetheart for snuggles.”
There was a click, and then the mechanical whirr of the gateopening. Bucky’s code still worked for the gate. He was so relieved—he’dwondered what he would do if he’d used his code and the gate had stayed firmlyshut. He wasn’t entirely certain he could scale the fence. He looked at thelong driveway and groaned but started trudging toward the mansion.
Bucky tried the latch when he got there, but it was locked.He should have expected that, though. He’d reallyhurt Tony. Sighing, he pressed the doorbell, then leaned his head against thewall. Maybe he should have slept a little longer, too. Or waited toself-reflect until he got here, so he wasn’t constantly staving offself-induced panic attacks. He was kind of stupid either way.
He blinked his eyes open as he heard the door open andturned, heart suddenly in his throat. He’d spent so long thinking about wherehe’d gone wrong that he hadn’t thought about what he’d say to Tony when he sawhim. This seemed like a really bad time to stand there gaping like a fish.
Luckily it was an older woman that answered the door.Unluckily, Bucky had never seen her in his life.
“May I help you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
Maybe Tony had hired someone to screen his visitors. “I, uh.I’m looking. For Tony?”
The woman stared at him for a long moment before saying, “Heisn’t here.”
“Oh,” Bucky said. That was both a relief and adisappointment. “When will he be back?”
“He didn’t say,” she replied. “To my knowledge, he won’tbe.”
“What.”
The woman sighed quietly, taking on a pitying expression.“Honey, he moved away. He hired me to come shut his house up. You’re lucky youshowed up today—I just finished putting sheets over the last of the furniture.I’ll probably be finished by the end of the d—Honey, are you okay?”
Bucky had no idea what his face looked like, but he assumedall of the blood had drained from it. “I. I don’t. Know?”
“Do you need to sit down?” she asked, opening the door alittle wider.
Quite honestly, he didn’t want to go into the mansion ifTony wasn’t there. It had always kind of creeped him out, being so big andempty, and now with the reminder of what he’d done and said the last time he’dbeen here… No, he’d really rather not.
“I think… I think I’d better just go,” Bucky said, voiceshaking.
The woman nodded, frowning. “Can you make it back to the gateby yourself?”
“God I hope so.”
She gave him a long look. “I’ll keep checking from thewindow, but please don’t faint. I’m not sure I could lift you.”
“Just leave me,” Bucky said.
“Oh, honey,” she said with sudden understanding. “I hopethings work out for you.”
“Me too,” the brunet admitted, then turned and began thelong walk back to the gate.
Bucky stumbled through it and sat down on the curb, puttinghis head between his knees. Okay. So Tony had changed his number and completelymoved out of his house. That… that was a pretty big setback. Not unmanageable,but still jarring. He felt even worse about the things he’d said and done. Tonyhad always said he wasn’t fond of the New York mansion because it was way toobig for one person, and he had too many memories of his parents whom he’d losttoo young. He had much preferred his home in Malibu—
Had he gone back to California?
Bucky frowned. He’d never really been to the west coast. Theclosest he’d gotten was Fort Leavenworth, in Kansas. He’d wanted to go, though,when Tony talked about white-sand beaches and warm sun—the water was still coldbut with the summer heat, it had felt good. Tony had said he’d take him theresomeday, get him real tacos and teach him how to surf. He wasn’t sure why thetacos they ate in New York weren’t real but Tony had always been kind of a foodsnob.
He wanted to eat tacos and bask in the sun with Tony.
Bucky almost didn’t notice the car that was idling in frontof him. He certainly hadn’t heard it pull up or stop. He looked up slowly,brows furrowed together. It was Sam’s car. He was somewhat surprised. He’d kindof expected Steve’s motorcycle.
Steve was leaning out of the window, frowning at him inconcern. “It didn’t go well?” It stung that the blond wasn’t yelling at him forleaving without a word, or a note, or anything. It felt an awful lot like pity.
“He’s not here anymore,” Bucky rasped.
“Oh, Bucky,” Steve sighed, still so pitying, and Buckywanted to punch him in the face.
He climbed into the back of Sam’s car and pretended he didn’twant to cry instead.
“So what are you going to do about it?” Natasha askedbluntly.
Natasha was always no-nonsense. He liked that about her.
“I don’t know.” Buckyfrowned down at the cup of tea she’d pressed into his hands when they’d arrivedhome. He didn’t even like tea. “He…he left. So I should respect that, and let him go.”
Sam looked up from trying to pour his tea into Steve’s cupwithout him noticing. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ here.”
“…But I don’t want him going through life thinking that itwas his fault. Thinking that he did something wrong. He needs to know that thiswas all on me.”
Natasha looked pleased with his answer. “Good.” She slappeda piece of paper onto the table in front of him. “Here’s his address in Malibu.You can borrow my car.”
Bucky stared at the piece of paper. “…Why do you have hisMalibu address?”
“Because he let me vacation there a few months ago when Iwas bitching about New York winters.” Natasha took a sip of tea. “Just knowthat if you take my car, if you come back without Tony, it better be becauseyou’re in a casket.”
Bucky stared at her. “…When did you start liking Tony morethan you liked me?”
Her stare was severe. “When you were a dumbass and ruinedthe best thing you’ve ever had. Go back to therapy, you fucking idiot.”
Steve choked on his tea. “You stopped going to therapy?!”
“I thought I was okay!” Bucky snapped, flushing with shameand embarrassment. “I hadn’t been—I was doing fine.”
Steve looked like he was going to continue, livid, but thenSam was laying a hand on his knee and shaking his head. “Let it go, Steve.”
“But he just—”
“You haven’t had your arm blown off before getting torturedfor days, Steve,” Sam told him harshly. “Just drop it for now.”
Steve went pale and looked down at his lap, jaw going tight.
Bucky clenched his fingers around his mug of tea andpretended he was surprised when it shattered in his hands.
Natasha made sure he was well-equipped for the trip. Shebought him a car-charger for his phone, provided a small cooler full of juiceand energy drinks, and another large cooler full of snacks. She packed a secondsuitcase for him after sneering at his pitiful bag full of underwear, socks,and three t-shirts. She even left written directions for the shortest routefrom Brooklyn to Malibu in the front seat.
He knew that she wouldn’t actually kill him if he came backwithout Tony, but sometimes it kind of felt like it.
“Call me when you bed down for the night, okay?” Steveordered, clutching his shoulders hard enough to bruise. “I don’t—I need to knowyou’re okay.”
Bucky nodded solemnly. He knew the only reason Steve wasn’t fightingtooth and nail to get into the car with him was because Sam and Natasha hadtaken him aside and probably beat it into his head that this was something Buckyhad to do alone. “I will.”
“I care about you, Buck.”
“I know.”
“I just—I’ve only ever wanted the best for you.”
“I know.”
“And I still want good things for you.”
“I know.”
“Please just—I mean, this is really—”
Bucky took a step back. “I’m going to get in the car now.”
“Right,” Steve said, but didn’t let go of his shoulders.
The brunet stared at him and took another step back. “Steve,you need to let go.”
“I—” Steve started, then stopped, and took visible effort toloosen his grip on his friend’s shoulders. “Okay. Sorry.”
“Get in the car before he tries to grab you again,” Samordered, wrapping an arm around the blond’s shoulders and dragging him back.Telling him good luck without actually having to say it.
Natasha lifted her chin. “Don’t crash my car.”
His friends were so great.
Bucky found the house. It was large, clean lines, lots ofglass, butting up near the end of a cliff so it had a beautiful view of theocean. It had no automatic gate, no fence, but it was quite far from any otherhouses or towns and he got the feeling that the mansion in New York was kind ofa decoy for all his fans.
Bucky parked the car near the door. He’d spent the last fourdays going over what he could possibly say and he still had no idea what he wasgoing to start with. Maybe it would be best if he started with ‘I’m a fuckingidiot and you deserve better.’
His hand shook as he pressed the bell. He was afraid hispass code wouldn’t work—but he was also afraid of stepping into Tony’s havenwithout permission. He didn’t want to put Tony in a position where he feltunsafe.
He almost jumped when the speaker buzzed. “You can’t kill me, Natasha. Pepper would beupset.”
Bucky gaped at the speaker for a moment, then realized Tonymust have had cameras that had seen the car, but not the driver. He shuffledawkwardly, then decided to just throw himself on the other man’s mercy.“Sergeant Stunning reporting for duty. Seeking my civilian sweetheart forsnuggles.”
There was a long pause. Bucky held his breath. Maybe he shouldhave left the last part out.
Then the door opened, just a crack, and he moved in front ofit to see one brown doe-eye peeking up at him. Even with only one eye visible,he could see the hesitance and fear in it. And he’d caused that. He wanted topunch himself in the face.
“…Bucky?” Tony asked after a moment, when he didn’t sayanything.
“I came here to tell you that you are perfect,” Buckyblurted out. “And that nothing was your fault. It was all me. It’s all myfault.”
Tony stared up at him for a little longer before opening thedoor wider and stepping aside. “Do you wanna come in?”
“Not really,” Bucky admitted, feeling horrible at the hurtexpression that crossed the other man’s face. “This is—you’re safe here. Idon’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I don’t want to have a personal discussion where everyoneand their grandmother can hear me,” he said after a moment. He turned on hisheel and called over his shoulder, “Do you want coffee?”
He might actually throw up if he had anything. He was sortof regretting the fruit he ate for breakfast. “No thanks,” he replied, creepinginto the house. He took a look around at the open floor plan and made a quietnoise of approval. Yeah. This looked more like a place that Tony would live ininstead of the mansion. “I just—wanted to come and apologize.”
Tony turned from the counter, hands wrapped around a mug. “Apologizefor what?”
Bucky frowned. He could tell that the brunet was clutchingthe mug in his hands to hide how much they were shaking. “For everything.For—for hurting you. For making you think there was something wrong with you.For taking all of my doubts and fears out on you instead of trying to protectyou from them.”
Tony turned the mug in his hands, looking down at his feet.“I guess… I guess I should apologize, too, for—”
“For absolutely nothing,”Bucky cut in, voice rasping, because only Tony could receive an apology anddecide he needed to give one too. “I mean, I wish you’d told me you didn’tlike—but I can understand why you didn’t. I just—I wasn’t—I haven’t been goingto therapy. Like I should.”
Tony’s eyebrows flew up with surprise. “What?”
“I thought—I thought I was doing alright,” Bucky admitted,looking down at his feet. “I thought—I’ve been so much better since. Since wemet. And there were—there were problems, but I thought, all relationships have problems, so that was fine. But I let mydoubts get the best of me, and I hurt you. I should have kept—I just want to benormal. This sounds like excuses,” he added, whipping his head up. He didn’twant to be excusing himself. “They’re not—excuses. They’re reasons. I wanted togive you an explanation, not just—just empty platitudes, just words.”
“Buck—” Tony started, frowning at him.
“Things were going too well,” Bucky continued, talking overhim. “You know—I told you that one of my coping mechanisms is just… ruiningthings. I got so tired of waiting for something to ruin our relationship thatI… I used what you did to ruin it myself. I twisted things around in my headand decided that the reason you never wanted to further our relationship physicallywas because you were only pretending to want me—that you were straight theentire time and were just curious. That’s… that’s not your fault. This wasn’tabout you. It was all on me.”
Tony blinked at him, mouth agape.
“The problem is—The problem is that I fell too hard for you,too fast, too early,” Bucky added quietly. “I should have waited until I was ina better place to accept a date. I was just so desperate to get back to normalthat I didn’t even stop to think about that.” He jumped when he felt handscupping his cheeks and looked up, swallowing thickly.
“You idiot,” Tony murmured, eyes watery. “You could havejust said something. I would have beenable to explain.”
Bucky lifted his hands to cover Tony’s, leaning into hispalms with a sigh. “I probably would have found another way to sabotage ourrelationship.”
“It would have helped though,” the smaller man insisted. “Iwas talking to Rhodey. He said I should have told you, too.” He paused, lipspursed. “I mean he still wants to murder you but he also thought I should havetold you about my… preferences… months ago. That I shouldn’t have tried to… toforce myself just to make you happy. He said that that would just upset youmore.”
“Sweetheart,” Bucky choked out. “You do not even have a fraction of an idea of how horrible Ifelt after Pepper said you were repulsed by sex. All I could think about werethe times I’d obviously made you uncomfortable or thought you were shy andrealizing that you hated it. It made me wonder if you even liked making out, orgetting hickeys, or—or even holding hands.”
Tony looked horrified at the thought. “Bucky, I love holdinghands with you!”
“But you can understand what that sounds like, right?” thetaller man said. “Honey, you never told me you didn’t like me grabbing yourass. It clearly made you uncomfortable. And you—you let me grab your dick. And you hated it. You panicked,you yelled for me to stop. I feel like a monster.”
Tony grabbed his shoulders, letting out a small noise ofdistress. “I’m sorry, I—I mean, the ass grabbing wasn’t great, but I lovedeverything else! I loved kissing you!”
“I think you would have liked it more if you knew there wereno expectations for anything more,” Bucky said quietly.
Tony bit his bottom lip and looked down at his feet.“…You’re probably right.”
“And it just kills me—knowing that you were willing to tryand force yourself just because you thought it’d make me happy.” Bucky lifted ahand and carefully brushed the hair out of Tony’s eyes. “Tony, I never wantedyou to feel like you had to force yourself to do something you hated to make mehappy.”
“I just… so many people have left me because I couldn’t takethat last step,” Tony explained softly. “I thought… I thought if I could justput up with it, you’d stay longer than everyone else.”
Bucky couldn’t help the sad huff of amusement that escapedhim. “Sorry that it backfired on you, doll. I bet that all your past partnerswere a little more mentally sound, though.”
“I dunno,” Tony mumbled. “Maybe someone would have to becrazy to stay with me.”
“No,” Bucky toldhim immediately. “Honey, they don’t deserveyou.” He gathered the brunet into his arms. “You’re—you’re so precious. You’re smart, and handsome,and—and so generous. Anyone would belucky to have you. I was lucky tohave had you as long as I did. I wish I could go back in time and kick my ownass because you’re wonderful and I don’t know what you saw in me but I love you.”
Tony made a wounded noise. “Still? Even though you know Ican’t—that I’ll never want—”
“Absolutely,” Bucky cut in, pressing his face into his neck.“Tony, just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. WouldI be disappointed sometimes? Of course, but just because you don’t want sexdoesn’t mean I can’t go in the bathroom and jack off or something.” He pausedfor a moment, then added, “I’m sure there were times where you got frustratedwith my short temper, or my flashbacks, or the days I couldn’t bring myself toleave my apartment. You still loved me though, right?”
“Of course,” Tony answered promptly. “You didn’t have anycontrol over those things.” He looked up as the taller man leaned back,frowning when he received a skeptical brow. “What—Oh,” he said softly. “…I’m…I’m not sure there’s a therapy for what I have.”
Bucky sighed and lifted a hand to cup his cheek, strokinghis thumb over his cheekbone gently. “You don’t need therapy, Tony. You know that LGBTA+ thing that we’re part of?”When the other man nodded earnestly, he couldn’t help a snort. “You’re the A,honey. It stands for asexual.”
“No,” Tony said then frowned, brows furrowing together.“…No.”
“A sex-repulsed asexual,” Bucky added.
“…I—” Tony began, then stopped again. “…I’m not… the onlyone?”
Bucky wanted to just lie down and die. “No, honey,” he hurried to assure him, because how long hadTony gone through life thinking he was alone? “No. There are so many people like you! Not—not all of them aresex-repulsed, because it’s different for everyone, but there are definitelypeople like you.”
Tony stared up at him as if he didn’t quite believe him,then let out a stuttering sob and hid his face in his chest.
Tony poured him a cup of coffee. Bucky let him, because heobviously needed time to compose himself. It wasn’t everyday that a personlearned they weren’t a freak of nature and also their ex was a giant fuckingmess.
“You need to go back to therapy,” he said.
Bucky nodded, frowning down at the mug. “I know. Ijust—thought I could handle it, you know? Guess the next time I think that, Ican just remember how I pushed away and ruined the best thing that everhappened to me.”
“We can’t get back together until you’ve scheduled your nextappointment.”
“I’m going to set one up when I get back to New York,” hereplied, then realized what the other man had said and whipped his head up tostare at him.
Tony stared down at his feet, fussing with the sugar bowl.“You really hurt me, Bucky.”
It killed him to say it, but Bucky knew he probably stillwasn’t in the greatest place for a relationship. “Then why are you puttingyourself in a position where I might hurt you again?”
Tony stopped fiddling with the sugar bowl. Instead hestarted to pace the length of the kitchen. After a few minutes, he stopped andturned back to the other man, jutting his chin out stubbornly. “Because I thinkI hurt you too. You probably think it’s not the same, but I disagree. I had noidea you’d spent every day since we got together just waiting for ourrelationship to come crashing down. I can’t imagine the stress and anxiety itput you through. Maybe… maybe it was the same amount of stress and anxiety thatI went through worrying about when you decided you couldn’t handle me not beingable to have sex with you.”
Bucky stared back at him, jaw set with annoyance. When itwas put like that, he could see how the two were comparable. Still, Tony had never used Bucky’s weaknesses orfailures against him. He’d deliberately taken Tony’s fears and thrown them backin his face. It… it was kind of humbling to know that Tony was willing to givehim another chance.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” he snapped, instead of doing thenicer thing, like thank him for giving him another chance.
Tony scoffed and glared at him. “No one has ever said Iwasn’t an idiot, Bucky. You’re the first person that’s said—” He swallowedthickly. “…That’s said I’m normal. That I wasn’t a freak. I know the rumors,that I’ve been around the block, that I’ve dated around. There hasn’t… hasn’tbeen one other person that gave me aword for it. Some of my relationships ended amicably, but they were far fromthe norm. Honestly, I actually preferred being accused of being straight overbeing told I’m a frigid little prude.”
Bucky felt white hot with rage. Tony deserved so much betterthan what he’d gotten. “You’re perfect,Tony.”
Tony blushed and scoffed again, hurriedly turning away fromhim. “No I’m not. Shut up.”
“And I think jumping back into the relationship after what Idid is a terrible idea.”
The smaller man turned back to him, scowling. “Well ofcourse it is, you idiot.”
Bucky opened his mouth, ready to argue, then closed it againslowly. “…What?”
“I agreed that it’s a terrible idea,” Tony repeated, rollinghis eyes. “But then again, so was building Dum-E while I was drunk. So wasthrowing up on Rhodey’s shoes at MIT. So was asking Pepper if she was on herperiod despite my good intentions. I am the worst decision maker. And gettingback together now is another terrible idea. But all my terrible ideas haveseemed to work out pretty well. You just—” He took a deep breath. “…You justneed to go back to therapy.”
“…I should say no,” Bucky said slowly. He shouldn’t beselfish. Tony… Tony deserved better.
“You also should have been in therapy, so.” Tony shrugged,only barely keeping a smug smirk from his face when the other man flinched.“Listen. We’ll have boundaries. I’ll tell you when I don’t like things andyou’ll… try not to self-destruct. We’ll work through it.” He paused, reachingdown to play with the sugar bowl again. “So long as I’m welcome, I mean. Themessages I got… Everyone seemed pretty mad.”
Bucky cringed so hard he spilled his coffee over his hands.“I—I told them that you… were just playing with me. Because I’d thought that.When Pepper told us—They didn’t say anything, and I know it’s because they’reworried about me, but… they’re gonna be super pissed off with me when I getback.” He took the towel he was offered and began wiping his hands dry. “Theyfeel bad about it. They want to apologize.”
“That’s… comforting,” Tony decided after a moment. Becauseit was, even if he was a little nervous to face them anyway.
Bucky watched Tony begin puttering around the kitchen,pulling out a sleeve of crackers and then a plate of cheese and salami. Helooked more at ease here than he had back in that big ugly mansion in New York.“…Tony?”
Tony didn’t look up from spreading the perfect amount ofbrie on his cracker. “Hmm?”
“…When I said let’s take the next step in our relationship,”he started, watching as the other man stiffened. “…What did you think I meant?”
Tony turned his attention on the ceiling as if it wassuddenly the most interesting thing in the world. “Well. I might. Have thought.That you were suggesting… we move in together?”
“Oh,” Bucky said, and then reared back, surprised. “Oh!”
“I know what you meant now though,” he added hastily.“That—we’d only been together six months, that was probably too soon—”
“I would have,” Bucky blurted out. “You hated living in thatmansion on your own.”
Tony paused, then glanced up at him again, almost nervously.“You hated the mansion too.”
“We could have found a new place. One that both of usliked.” He leaned forward a little. “Do you still want to? We could. It doesn’teven have to be in Brooklyn.”
Tony stared at him for another long moment before he said,“I think Pepper and Rhodey might literally kill me and you if we did that. So. No. Let’s not for a while.”
Instead of being disappointed, Bucky just felt… relieved. Hesagged against the counter, letting out a low sigh. He really did need to getback into therapy.
“I think I’ll stay here a few more months anyway,” Tonyadded. “Let you settle back into therapy. Maybe solve a problem or two withoutme there to feel like you have to get better faster than you can.”
Bucky nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Oh—Hey, youforgot something when you left.”
Tony blinked at him, confused but not surprised. He’d gotteneverything out of the mansion, but he’d figured he’d left stuff at Bucky’sapartment. He wondered what it was.
Bucky pulled his leather jacket off and swung it around thesmaller man’s shoulders. “Suits you better than it ever suited me,” he repliedto Tony’s confused and worried sputtering. “Honestly doll, if we can’t workthis out and end up breaking up, don’t give this back to me. Just burn it.”
Tony gaped at him even as he felt delight bubbling up in hischest. He pulled the jacket around him tightly and buried his nose in thecollar. “Smells like you,” he whispered, feeling warm. Feeling wanted. “Imissed it.”
Bucky smiled a little. “Hopefully it’ll last the few monthswe’re apart then.”
Tony nodded absently, clutching at the leather. Thingsweren’t perfect, but… he had the feeling they’d be able to work it out.Especially now that he had a word to identify his feelings—or lack thereof. Hewished he’d known about it sooner. Maybe Pepper could help him find a supportgroup or something.
“…Does Pepper know you came here?” he asked.
Bucky scowled at him. “Tony, I’m still alive. So no, sheabsolutely does not know I’m here.”
Tony huddled into the jacket, frowning. Rhodey would be alittle more understanding, because he’d seen firsthand what PTSD could do—had evenasked after Bucky’s therapy over their relationship. He’d always been somewhat concernedabout how Bucky was faring when they were together.
Pepper still wanted to murder everyone though. It might bebetter to ease her back into the idea.
Tony grimaced. It actually might be easier to fake everyone’s deaths andmove to a private island. Then again, he’d taken his lumps. Maybe it was timeeveryone else took theirs too.
So I’ve seen several fics and things with asexual Tony, and I just...haven’t really liked them? Which is not at all to say I’m arguing against them because representation! great! good! we need more of that, by all means. I just felt that the specific portrayals were taken in a direaction that didn’t really fit with Tony’s character. So I came up with my own take on (a really confused) Ace!Tony
here’s the thing, Tony likes sex, and he wants to have it. It’s fun and it feels good and he likes pleasing his partners
getting people to sleep with him has never been an issue. he’s rich, he’s famous, he’s good-looking and smart, and he’s been told he’s hot enough times that he goes with it. there’s always going to be people who want him and are bold enough to approach him
it’s always other people propositioning him, whatever the media might say. Tony doesn’t really have an opinion when it comes to potential one night stands. he’s not picky about looks or gender and sex is sex, right?
for a long time he thinks he’s pansexual
(he doesn’t come out though. too many fits would be thrown. in public and to his family, he’s straight)
things get complicated when he starts dating. he’s really not good at reassuring his partners about their desirability, or the exclusivity of their relationship. he’s still not entirely sure what “hot” means (yeah, okay, sexually desirable, but what does that even mean? how can it just be based off of looks? sounds fake but ok...), so it’s kinda hard to convince someone else, and convince them he thinks they’re ““”more hot””” than another given person (in reality, he’s got no clue. they all look like people??). he’s also bad at picking up on flirting, unless it’s really blatant or progresses as far as propositioning, and doesn’t realize that he comes off as flirting either. that’s just normally what he does to be charming? he gets accused of cheating, even though he wouldn’t ever
and then there’s the fact that he doesn’t...really want a relationship with women? he likes having sex with them, sure, but romantic stuff? holding hands and cuddling and candlelit dinners? not so much, even though he knows it’s expected. it just feels like too much effort, and he puts it down to being busy and a genius engineer who’s constantly on the verge of a scientific breakthrough (and maybe he believes it when he’s told he’s an asshole)
and then there’s Bucky. who is Tony’s first serious romantic relationship with a guy. and Tony really likes Bucky, is in love with him, even. and he will totally do all the sappy romantic shit with him if that’s what Bucky wants
and then someone (Clint, or a press person for more drama) makes some comment like “wow, your boyfriend’s looking hot today, you really scored didn’t you?” and Tony’s stomach drops. because this is it, this is the issue that ruined all his other relationships. and sure, Bucky looks good in the suit or whatever, but that’s all Tony’s got. he looks pretty.
but Bucky listens to the whole long confused explanation (“I mean, I do want to have sex with you, I really do, I just...don’t think you’re attractive? wait, that sounds bad, I don’t think anyone’s attractive like sexually really, maybe not ever--and that’s not actually helping is it? fuck, I mean--”) and he takes a moment to process all of that, and then he says, “okay.” (and Tony’s like “uh, ...what?”) “I don’t really get it, but I want to be with you and date you and sometimes have sex with you, and if that’s what you want too, then okay. it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.”
Tony’s mind is a bit boggled
it’s Bucky who notices that Tony’s still kinda bothered about this and does some research with the help of JARVIS. he shows Tony and gets to watch the moment of realization Tony has that oh my god this is Exactly Him, this makes So Much Sense (and also, why did he not think of this sooner, he’s a scientist, he likes definitions and concrete concepts, dammit!). and after that Tony starts to be more comfortable with their relationship and who he is
And so I wanted to kinda shoutout to my fave headcanon of Tony being ace?
It also reminded me of that really great fic plot some of the other ironstrange writers and I came up with once that I need to go dig out of my notes. Since apparently no one else is going to write it and I have to do everything myself.
Guess I’ll add that to the wip list...
(Edit: apparently I heard wrong and it's not aro week yet so I have made the correction above)
